jpswan - Tumblr blog

[jpswan]

Paxton listened to her words. A small sad smile tugged at her lips at the mention of Renee basically erasing any trace of Bella in their home. She knew if she left Charlie the man wouldn’t change a thing. Their house in general had barely changed since Renee and Bella had left. Charlie was a creature of habit and wasn’t normally a fan of change. Paxton’s room would stay exactly how it was, if anything he would add small things; more comics or book he thought Pax would like or maybe a new vinyl record. “If she packed up your things…” Paxton chewed on her lower lip some gathering the courage to finish her thought, “Maybe we could get her to send something so you have them. Dad didn’t really know what to do with your room, but he tried.”

“It could just be your perspective. We all experience the same things but we each react differently to them based on our perspectives. Maybe this time you’ll come to enjoy the rain?” It was a hopeful idea. One she hoped was true. “I don’t want you completely miserable here. And if the rain is too much we could get you a stereo or find music to get on your phone so you don’t hear it as much.” Paxton watched Bella eye the photographs. She stood up and unpinned a photo of her and Angela, “This is Angela…the photographer,” She moved to offer it to Bella. “She’s one of my best friends. The least judgmental person you’ll ever meet.” Without conscience thought the Swan smiled. “I think you’ll like her. It’s kinda hard not too.” She joked.

Paxton nodded slowly at her last words, “I’ve been very lucky to have Charlie. He’s socially awkward yeah, but he always listens when I need him to and he truly cares about me no matter what. You’ll find that out…he loves you even if we haven’t all been together. He never stopped.”

PAXTON SWAN

“Some, but not all of them.” Paxton tried to reason. Her negative feelings were aimed not only at Bella and Renee, but also herself. The ones for herself were a labyrinth; feelings of not being enough, of not doing enough, of just…not enough on different levels. Anxiety and depression were a bitch like that. Eventually, Pax had simply focused on the outward factors and run with them. Having Bella in front of her though it made her realizing giving you had added to the issues they now faced. “What’s happened, happened. If we dwell on it and feed the negative it will only get worse. Does part of me want to be selfish and hang on to it? Yeah. I was being petty maybe when I let dad come get you on his own. I’ll admit that. But this was also a sudden change I wasn’t emotionally ready for. Things here are usually a steady constant. The only changes I’ve ever had to deal with are ones I cause for myself.”

Maybe it was a control thing, having to be the one to initiate change, positive or negative. Paxton wasn’t sure. The teen was always onboard for a change of plans that happened in an instant or other minor changes in her life. But the changes happened with people she trusted. Bella’s decision to move here hadn’t even been discussed with Paxton, she had simply been told. She took a breath to refocus out of her thoughts and shook Bella’s hand. A chuckle passed her lips at her twin’s words, “There’s a reason I go by Paxton instead of Josefina. Don’t have a clue what they were thinking when they named us.” She joked, her eyes becoming more blue as the tension slightly faded from the room.

She let Bella’s hand drop before she motioned to the bed if Bella wanted to sit as she moved back toward the computer chair, “I haven’t ever been anywhere with a different climate. This is all I’ve know.” She glanced over her shoulder to above her desk that had a bulletin board filled with photographs; some of La Push with Leah, some from all around Forks with Ang, Charlie, or her other friends, and then some that were just different landscape shots. “My friend Angela is a photographer or well she wants to be. Some weekends we’ll just go out, explore around and see what we can find. It’s beautiful if you know where to look.” She looked back at her sister. “Being out here—free from overwhelming population numbers and packed buildings…it’s good for my soul, my head.” Another half shrug, “The rain calms me. The beat or rhythm of it helps me focus and center myself. And the days we do have sun feels like a recharge. Summer months aren’t too bad here. It gets warm enough to swim or go riding. In short, it’s home.”

a faint blush started to blot her fair cheeks as she listened to her sisters words. she supposed she had deserved to hear the truth - no matter if the words stung ever so slightly. for most of her life, bella had been living in her own little bubble, wrapped up in herself and renee - sometimes it had been more like raising renee than the other way around. but bella wasn’t sure if paxton would understand that - after all, paxton hadn’t been exposed to renee’s ways like she had been. it had shaped bella in the deepest of ways - she had grown up when she was still a child, learning to take care of herself, and caring for renee as well. it had forced everyone else to the back of bella’s priority list, until the list had become so ripped and torn that only the pair remained on it.

“i suppose you’re right. dwelling on the past has never made the world magically change. the only thing left to do is move forward.” bella slowly inched her way towards paxton’s bed, before sitting gingerly at the edge, her hands creeping over the fabric, taking in the feel. “you know, i bet renee will have my room changed into something else before the week is over. no traces of me left behind. as it was, before we left for the airport, she made me help her squeeze my bed and everything i didn’t bring into the garage.” she laughed a dry laugh, a sudden mixture of feelings temporarily taking over - happiness at the thought of her mother, sadness at the thought of her mother, disappointment that her stuff was already out of her old room, frustration. but they dissipated soon enough, and her eyes soon moved to the bulletin board her sister was talking about. some of the photographs were really good, she noted. she was shocked that some of those photographs had been taken in forks, or even in the state. but she wasn’t ready to accept defeat over her sourness at the weather - not yet.

“i remember the rain here. it’s not….. consistent enough for me. the sound always drove me nuts when i was here - i never could sleep through it. it’s nothing like the sound of the rain back home…” her eyes refocused on the bulletin board, taking in every face she saw on there, wondering who everyone was. “your photographer friend, she has talent….” a pause. “i’m glad it’s good for you here… i’m glad you and charlie had each other. less lonely…”

[jpswan]

The single brow that went up told Paxton instantly two things. One, Rosalie didn’t believe the simple words she’d spoken in full depth and two, it wasn’t a subject that was going to be dropped just yet. With any of her friends— the exception being maybe Angela— it would rub negatively against Paxton’s current raw nerves. But with the blonde it actually started to settle and soothe pieces inside of her. The relationship between the two was an oddity, though one Paxton valued highly. There was something about Rosalie that continued to pull Paxton in; it wasn’t her looks—anyone with eyes could tell the older teen was a goddess, it wasn’t even the mysterious allure of the Cullen/Hale family, but possibly the bits of insight she got from the books they exchange and their notes. Another part more than likely how, at least in Paxton’s mind which could be her own imagination, they silently communicated without drawing the attention of others. And of course, a moment like this. Where Rosalie had been the seemingly only brave person to approach Paxton while the rest of the student body had left her to her own devices. To most this moment would be small, a blip and unimportant— an action that could be passed over and insignificant. To the Swan it meant more.

The blonde’s tone let Paxton know she’d been right in her previous assumptions, this conversation wasn’t ending just yet nor did Rose believe her. A heavy sigh left her lips, not in annoyance or in a bothered way but at the prospect of having to attempt to put her emotions into words. The brunette’s brow furrowed just slightly at the fact even Rosalie had picked up on the completely 180 of her personality. Honestly it should surprise her. Paxton herself continuously, on a normal day, would keep an eye out for Rosalie; attempt to get a read on her emotions or vibe of the day. It let the Swan know what book from her collection she’d share and also if their small interactions would be welcomed or not. “To me it’s important,” Paxton admitted. “But I feel like others would think I was making something out of nothing, overreacting and attempting to get attention.” At least Paxton figured that’s how some of even her friends would see it. Charlie was excited that Bella was coming. Though she had to wonder how when he had to know this move was to benefit Renee and nothing else.

Paxton nodded once at the request to join her, “Y-yeah. Of course.” Her eyes shied away for a moment as she moved to close her notebook, not to hide it but to make more room on the table. The teen looked back to those intoxicating eyes, “I have a sister.” The words weren’t blunt, a little distant. “My parents divorced when I was around three months old. It’s a weird story but basically my mother took my sister and I stayed with my dad. I don’t have a real relationship with either of them, I haven’t seen them in years and we barely talk unless it’s for a few minutes on a holiday.” Paxtons fingers began to fidget on the table—tapping out a random pattern, a nervous tick—but she didn’t look away from Rosalie’s eyes. “We’re more strangers than family. But Bella, my sister, decided she is going to move back here. Not for a relationship with me or my dad, but so our mother can be happier. Again weird story.”

Paxton’s body deflated some, “I didn’t get a say in any of it. My dad literally just told me it was going to happen. Which isn’t how we normally work. I’m just expected to be okay with this and accept it. And he’s so happy…” She shook her head to try and clear the negative thoughts.

X.      (      @jpswan​      )      .

continued from here

silently, the blonde raised an eyebrow in question as she listened to the human’s words. she could tell the few words spoken were only PARTIAL truth - much had been omitted, that much was obvious to her. her honey golden eyes stayed trained on paxton’s gunmetal orbs, unblinking. in truth, she wasn’t sure WHY she had reached out to the human, but she had felt a distinct PULL towards paxton from the moment she had first laid eyes on the girl. it had been a challenge to keep that feeling HIDDEN from her family - otherwise they would never let up on it, especially edward.

❛ nothing important, hmm? ❜ the blonde echoed the last words spoken, intrigue and DISBELIEF toned her words. she wasn’t sure if paxton was trying to blow her off, or simply didn’t want to TALK about it. the latter was most likely the case, rosalie decided. after all, it was a RARE occurrence for the blonde to speak up to the human - the duo had remained largely SILENT with one another, apart from the few written notes passed in books - she could count on her hands how many times words had passed through their lips.

❛ if it’s bothering you enough to effect your entire personality for the day, then i doubt it’s NOTHING important. ❜ a pause - her golden eyes dance across paxton’s face, taking in the betrayals of human emotion that was hard to control in one’s face. there were faint lines etched across paxton’s face - fabric lines, telling rosalie that the human had spent the day with her head down. she thought she could see signs of stress, agitation, and sadness in the depths of her face as well.

golden eyes flitted towards the table for a brief second, before finding paxton’s gunmetal orbs once more. ❛ can i sit? ❜

[jpswan]

“Some, but not all of them.” Paxton tried to reason. Her negative feelings were aimed not only at Bella and Renee, but also herself. The ones for herself were a labyrinth; feelings of not being enough, of not doing enough, of just…not enough on different levels. Anxiety and depression were a bitch like that. Eventually, Pax had simply focused on the outward factors and run with them. Having Bella in front of her though it made her realizing giving you had added to the issues they now faced. “What’s happened, happened. If we dwell on it and feed the negative it will only get worse. Does part of me want to be selfish and hang on to it? Yeah. I was being petty maybe when I let dad come get you on his own. I’ll admit that. But this was also a sudden change I wasn’t emotionally ready for. Things here are usually a steady constant. The only changes I’ve ever had to deal with are ones I cause for myself.”

Maybe it was a control thing, having to be the one to initiate change, positive or negative. Paxton wasn’t sure. The teen was always onboard for a change of plans that happened in an instant or other minor changes in her life. But the changes happened with people she trusted. Bella’s decision to move here hadn’t even been discussed with Paxton, she had simply been told. She took a breath to refocus out of her thoughts and shook Bella’s hand. A chuckle passed her lips at her twin’s words, “There’s a reason I go by Paxton instead of Josefina. Don’t have a clue what they were thinking when they named us.” She joked, her eyes becoming more blue as the tension slightly faded from the room.

She let Bella’s hand drop before she motioned to the bed if Bella wanted to sit as she moved back toward the computer chair, “I haven’t ever been anywhere with a different climate. This is all I’ve know.” She glanced over her shoulder to above her desk that had a bulletin board filled with photographs; some of La Push with Leah, some from all around Forks with Ang, Charlie, or her other friends, and then some that were just different landscape shots. “My friend Angela is a photographer or well she wants to be. Some weekends we’ll just go out, explore around and see what we can find. It’s beautiful if you know where to look.” She looked back at her sister. “Being out here—free from overwhelming population numbers and packed buildings…it’s good for my soul, my head.” Another half shrug, “The rain calms me. The beat or rhythm of it helps me focus and center myself. And the days we do have sun feels like a recharge. Summer months aren’t too bad here. It gets warm enough to swim or go riding. In short, it’s home.”

PAXTON SWAN

Paxton watched her twin’s eyes as they took in her room. Part of her felt a millisecond of guilt for not doing more in Bella’s room, but it was quickly erased. She wouldn’t have known what to put in the room, didn’t know the other well enough to even attempt to make it feel more like home. She did also note the way Bella seemed to be chewing on her lower lip, “If you want to come in more you can…” The words less guarded, but still distant. She turned her computer chair more and opened her body language as much as her anxiety would let her.

The words took a moment to process, to realize she’d been somewhat right on why Bella really was here. It almost surprised Paxton at the small pain that went through her chest. Bella was here to make Renee’s life better, no other reason than that. Logically Pax had known that and even understood it. She’d do it for Charlie if it was ever needed. “I figured it was something like that,” If Bella is going to be honest so could she. “Forks is a required taste for most; the constant rain, small town vibes…it’s not somewhere people flock to live.” A half shrug as Paxton tried to relax back into her chair more. “I also didn’t think you’d been missing Charlie enough to make a drastic life change.” Her words weren’t as sharp as her thoughts about the topic had been. She didn’t include herself in that statement because she knew she didn’t have too.

Greg-blues glanced to the floor, “Miserable is a strong word.” Sure, her anxiety and mental status had been in a whirlwind since hearing the news—she’d made herself miserable really. But that didn’t mean it had to continue. “It feels that way though,” Again she rubbed the back of her neck, head tilted slightly. “I can’t blame you for my own feelings, even if it would be easier to do that.” Paxton looked back up toward Bella. “We’ve had separate lives, experiences…I don’t know you at all and you don’t know me.” Her jaw twitched as she tried to ground her thoughts. “But maybe with time,” Paxton repeated her words with a nod.

“Baby steps. Maybe start without the expectation of being siblings?” Paxton stood from her chair, hand extended toward Bella. “I’m Paxton, my friends call me Pax.”

heat flowed through bella’s face, a pink blush settling into her features as she realized she had been caught in her nosy state. the only saving grace was that paxton didn’t seem very angry over the fact, otherwise she would be a mortified red. very slowly, bella inched her way forward into paxton’s room. she couldn’t help but feel like she was intruding on paxton’s space – and worse than that – on paxton’s peace and sanctuary. it suddenly occurred to her that she hadn’t known her twin had an interest in music, and she hadn’t known her twin could play any instruments, either.

silently, bella let these growing thoughts simmer in the back of her mind as she listened to paxton’s words. though there was distance in both of their tones, bella noted that her twin sounded slightly different in person than over the phone – or maybe it was bella’s own ears that the difference came from – she was almost ashamed to admit to herself that every time she spoken with her twin on the phone, her mind was elsewhere – thinking of what to make for dinner, thinking of her homework, or wondering where renee was going to drag her off to on the next weekend. she had, she realized, never given an honest effort to be a good sister to paxton, or a good daughter to charlie. it had never seemed important to her before – she went with what her mother had chosen and never thought twice about it.

“i think … some of those feelings may be warranted after all, though.” she shrugged her shoulders lightly. it was a hard truth to realize, but it wasn’t entirely her fault, either. the blame was shared on many shoulders – in her mind, at least. but she still managed the tiniest of grins as she reached out, took her twin’s hand lightly in her own, and shook it. “i’m isabella. but i will happily kill anyone who calls me by that instead of bella.” her eyes alighted with silent laughter – shocking even herself – but she hoped it would help lighten the tension. she dropped paxton’s hand, letting more of her thoughts slip between her lips. they were trivial words, but something bella was very, strangely, bitter about – though she managed to keep that bitterness out of her voice.

“it’s too green here.” she sheepishly looked paxton in the face. “how do you stand it being so cold and wet? i’m already craving the sun…”

[jpswan]

Paxton watched her twin’s eyes as they took in her room. Part of her felt a millisecond of guilt for not doing more in Bella’s room, but it was quickly erased. She wouldn’t have known what to put in the room, didn’t know the other well enough to even attempt to make it feel more like home. She did also note the way Bella seemed to be chewing on her lower lip, “If you want to come in more you can…” The words less guarded, but still distant. She turned her computer chair more and opened her body language as much as her anxiety would let her.

The words took a moment to process, to realize she’d been somewhat right on why Bella really was here. It almost surprised Paxton at the small pain that went through her chest. Bella was here to make Renee’s life better, no other reason than that. Logically Pax had known that and even understood it. She’d do it for Charlie if it was ever needed. “I figured it was something like that,” If Bella is going to be honest so could she. “Forks is a required taste for most; the constant rain, small town vibes…it’s not somewhere people flock to live.” A half shrug as Paxton tried to relax back into her chair more. “I also didn’t think you’d been missing Charlie enough to make a drastic life change.” Her words weren’t as sharp as her thoughts about the topic had been. She didn’t include herself in that statement because she knew she didn’t have too.

Greg-blues glanced to the floor, “Miserable is a strong word.” Sure, her anxiety and mental status had been in a whirlwind since hearing the news—she’d made herself miserable really. But that didn’t mean it had to continue. “It feels that way though,” Again she rubbed the back of her neck, head tilted slightly. “I can’t blame you for my own feelings, even if it would be easier to do that.” Paxton looked back up toward Bella. “We’ve had separate lives, experiences…I don’t know you at all and you don’t know me.” Her jaw twitched as she tried to ground her thoughts. “But maybe with time,” Paxton repeated her words with a nod.

“Baby steps. Maybe start without the expectation of being siblings?” Paxton stood from her chair, hand extended toward Bella. “I’m Paxton, my friends call me Pax.”

PAXTON SWAN.

Paxton had heard the old cruiser park out front, doors opened and closed before the sound of two sets of footsteps on the stairs. The teen sighed but didn’t move from her computer chair, electric guitar in her lap with her notebook of lyrics open in front of her on the desk. She rolled her neck counting to ten in her head. She wasn’t ready to emotionally handle all of this yet. The small time she’d had after school hadn’t done much to settle her, the milkshake on her desk not even half way gone.

The Swan knew it was only a small matter of time before her father or twin entered her domain, gunmetal blues glanced around her room; the large collection of books—classics, rare classics that a certain blonde had helped her collect, graphic novels and comics, some unknown and bought online for all over the world, and books about world travel and other cultures—lined more than a few bookshelves, collectible vinyls carefully stored and organized, posters from older movies and indies on her walls, along with some music equipment. An extra guitar, electric drum set synced with her laptop, and electric piano all in one corner. This room was going to be her only place of solace from now on.

She heard Bella’s steps before her words. Paxton closed her eyes for a moment, shoulders straighten. One more slow exhale and she placed her guitar down, her tattooed hand on show as she did so. She knew the music notes behind her left ear were also on show with how her shorter hair was pulled back into a small ponytail, along with her gauges in her lobes. Paxton turned the chair to face Bella, taking her in after all this time. She was shorter than Paxton, just as thin framed but less muscled, her body language just as uncomfortable as Paxton felt. “Stuck…” The brunette muttered but had to nod once in agreement. “Guess so…” One hand went to rub the back of her neck as her right knee started to bounce some.

“It was your idea to come back though, right?” She asked.

“hmm.” it was a sound – the best she could manage to get out in a timely manner. her eyes roved curiously over the room, taking an interest primarily in the large collection of books her twin appeared to have. so that was one thing they had in common, then – reading. in the depths of bella’s mind, the question buzzed, asking whether that was something they could bond over someday. she was standing too far away, and her eyes were too hazed over with tired emotions to be able to read any of the titles – though she made a mental note to take a better look at them next time she happened to be in paxton’s room – whenever that might be.

pearly teeth were silently chewing on her bottom lip – a habit she never noticed was taking place until she felt the sharp, bitter iron on her taste buds. finally, she willed the strength to divert her eyes back upon her twin’s face – a face so unfamiliar to her – a face that should be the most familiar to her. in that moment, the realization dawned on her. while her coming here filled charlie with joy, it did not fill either of the twins with joy. no, this would not be easy on either of them. her soft eyebrows flitted together in concentration, a soft v appearing in her skin between them.

what else could she say, except perhaps the hard truth? would paxton care about the truth, or even understand where that hard truth was coming from? if there was any other way to make her mother – her best friend – happy, without making the life of her twin complicated, she would gladly have done so. she was anything but selfish – even if that meant sacrificing her own happiness to please others, in even the most rudimentary of ways. and it was that trait about her that landed her in forks to begin with – leaving only renee, charlie, and phil happy. her own happiness didn’t matter that much to her, and she wasn’t sure if that was a bad thing.

“i did it for renee, you know. she wasn’t happy, staying home with me instead of taking off with phil. i did this for her. phil and charlie are just reaping some benefits from that decision, i suppose.” she paused, her eyes flitting back down towards the floor, her teeth once more gnawing on soft, tender bleeding lips. “we might both be miserable from that decision, but maybe with time…” she let the thought flitter away into the air between them, the rest of the sentence unfinished, yet hanging in the air heavily between them.

[jpswan]

Paxton had heard the old cruiser park out front, doors opened and closed before the sound of two sets of footsteps on the stairs. The teen sighed but didn’t move from her computer chair, electric guitar in her lap with her notebook of lyrics open in front of her on the desk. She rolled her neck counting to ten in her head. She wasn’t ready to emotionally handle all of this yet. The small time she’d had after school hadn’t done much to settle her, the milkshake on her desk not even half way gone.

The Swan knew it was only a small matter of time before her father or twin entered her domain, gunmetal blues glanced around her room; the large collection of books—classics, rare classics that a certain blonde had helped her collect, graphic novels and comics, some unknown and bought online for all over the world, and books about world travel and other cultures—lined more than a few bookshelves, collectible vinyls carefully stored and organized, posters from older movies and indies on her walls, along with some music equipment. An extra guitar, electric drum set synced with her laptop, and electric piano all in one corner. This room was going to be her only place of solace from now on.

She heard Bella’s steps before her words. Paxton closed her eyes for a moment, shoulders straighten. One more slow exhale and she placed her guitar down, her tattooed hand on show as she did so. She knew the music notes behind her left ear were also on show with how her shorter hair was pulled back into a small ponytail, along with her gauges in her lobes. Paxton turned the chair to face Bella, taking her in after all this time. She was shorter than Paxton, just as thin framed but less muscled, her body language just as uncomfortable as Paxton felt. “Stuck…” The brunette muttered but had to nod once in agreement. “Guess so…” One hand went to rub the back of her neck as her right knee started to bounce some.

“It was your idea to come back though, right?” She asked.

closed starter for @jpswan​

bella felt absolutely nothing as the police cruiser pulled up in front of charlie’s house – her house now, too. she hadn’t bothered to feel the dread, as far as she was concerned, dreading the event before it happened was just as bad as going through it twice. no, she was certain she would feel the dread later – on the morning of her first day at forks high school, perhaps. she couldn’t even muster up any feeling at the prospect of seeing her twin again – wasn’t paxton supposed to be her other half? and yet, here they were, practical strangers how happened to share a last name, some dna, and now – a house.

bella was anticipating this being a rough evening – a rough week wouldn’t be pushing it, either. she couldn’t even remember the last time she had talked to paxton – either the last holiday or their birthday, and those conversations were awkward and painful at best. they had grown up so far apart, and so differently, they had never managed to hit it off. it certainly didn’t help that bella and renee had more-or-less decided on their own to stop bella’s yearly summer visits to forks – and neither of them stopped to think how it would make charlie or paxton feel.

as quiet and awkward as the car ride from the airport had been with charlie, bella could only imagine how her evening would go over with paxton. bella silently chewed on her bottom lip, her one hand clutching a small cactus – a momento to remind her of home – as she climbed out of charlie’s cruiser. silently, her gaze lifted up to the windows on the second floor, a sharp intake of breath the only sound to be heard, before she grabbed her stuff out of the trunk – or what charlie would let her carry – and she stalked up and into the house.

after she deposited her things into her new room, and indulging herself in a few moments of self pity and self resignation, bella let her legs lead her down the hall, stopping wearily outside the door of her twin sister’s room. her hands were tightly mashed together, her fingers dangerously twisting and turning with forced intensity as she forced herself to speak, the words fumbling out into existence. “hey… guess we’re finally stuck with other again, huh?”

[jpswan]

❝ i’m not staring, i’m admiring. ❞

Paxton felt her neck warm and paint her skin up to her cheeks, an almost bashful chuckle passed her lips. “Oh it’s admiring huh?” She teased a smirk pulled at the corners of her lips. “Because it kind of feels like you’re staring.” The teen leaned a little closer to her, “Are you going soft on me, Hale?”

[jpswan]

i see it on your face , you’ve had a bad day .

Bad day was an understatement. Paxton’s mind had been in a fog since that morning. An emotional turmoil making her mind a whirlwind that was attempting to drag her back into the darkest depths of her mind from the year before. Charlie had told her that morning that Bella was moving to Forks in less than two months. It hadn’t ever been a thought in the Swan’s mind that her sister would ever come back. Honestly, Pax didn’t know what to think or feel. She’d spent the day with her head down, headphones—at least one in, and mouth shut. The normally playful and outgoing teen had shut herself down while trying to deal with her own mind on her own.

Paxton had kept to herself, isolated for the day from her friends. She didn’t want to lash out on someone undeserving or even attempt to bite her tongue near Jessica. What she hadn’t planned on was one blonde Cullen to reach out past their normal level of communication; looks and body language, and their notes within the books they’d shared, and the few words spoken.

The brunette had thought she’d be good outside for lunch, at one of the tables further off from the outside eating area. But apparently not. As the melodious voice reached her ears Paxton’s shoulders tensed for just a moment as her eyes went up to Rosalie from the lyric notebook she’d had in front of her. Gunmetal orbs met honey and softened subconsciously. Paxton could try to deny it but those eyes spoke of just how much the blonde saw, how much she undoubtedly knew. Plus the idea of lying to Rosalie set her stomach into deeper knots than it was already in.

The teen sighed, dropped the pen down before adjusting the beanie on her head. “Just not doing the best mentally today.” She offered up. “It’s really nothing interesting or important…”

[jpswan]

send 🫂 to hold my muse while they have a panic attack.

[jpswan]

[jpswan]

↪     𝑴𝑼𝑺𝑰𝑪 ᶠᵒʳ ᵗʰᵉ 𝑺𝑶𝑼𝑳 .    (  a  collection  of  various unsorted lyric starters .  adjust  phrasing  as  necessary .   will be updated frequently .  )

i’m not sticking around to watch you go down .

i hope that you don’t suffer ,  but take the pain .

the truth is , i’ve never seen a mouth that i would kill to kiss .

we will be everything that we’d ever need .

you only listen to your fucking friends .

you made a few mistakes .  it’s alright ,  it’s okay .

i’m trying to get better , but i can’t do that when everything is about you .

i can name a couple ways this shit might go .

can you feel my heartbeat fuckin’ kickin ?

you were my everything and all you did was make me fuckin sad .

it’s kind of tripping me up , i’ve got it bad for you .

i’m on my own , i had some space to deal with it .

i’ve got it too good to cry .

i don’t know where i am or where i’ve been .

don’t treat me like some situation that needs to be handled .

finish up the bottle , then we’ll go .

this room is so suffocating .

motherfucker , don’t play with me .

there’s no doubt in my mind that if you could ,  then you would try .

i’m not the type to be out past dawn .

it’s been a long time since i felt this good on my own .

i really wish that i could say it to your face .

i kinda like it when you talk to me the way you do .

i’ve got something up my sleeve , i walk my talk .

i love you , but i know i’ve gotta let you go .

it’s getting hard to find a silver lining .

of course it hurt , of course it fucking hurt .

i know that you’re hiding something from me .

i don’t need to be loved by you .

trying to ignore it is fucking boring .

i tried to pretend ,  but it just doesn’t feel right .

i just can’t take it anymore .

i’m not trying to change your mind .

living in the city isn’t where it’s at .

don’t waste the time i don’t have ,  don’t try to make me feel bad .

i almost did it … glad that i didn’t .

you better run , you better do what you can .

yeah , i don’t really wanna be here .

pretty things should be seen and not heard .

can’t you bother someone else ?

now i’m sitting here wondering , when did this all start ?

i’m terrified but i can’t resist .

is there someone else or not ?

i’ve been around long enough now to know that good things never last .

i’d rather be the girl that got away than be under your thumb .

it ain’t so bad if i wanna make a few mistakes .

wish i could get some fuckin’ sleep without wasting all my weed .

you scared me to death ,  but i’m wasting my breath .

i feel like a kid again .

you were always taught to believe that everything you think is the truth .

nothing comes without a consequence or cost .

i don’t deserve someone loyal to me .

thought you were headed somewhere new .

touch me like tonight we’re gonna die .

can we go back to the world we had ? 

you should know right now that i never stay in one place .

i’d suffers hell if you’d tell me what you’d do to me tonight .

the games you played were never fun .

you said you’d stay , but then you ran .

if i can’t hold you like a lover , i won’t hold you at all .

you and i have history ,  or don’t you remember ?

i’ll be the one to deliver the news .

i’m better than this ,  i know my worth .

there’s something tragic about you .

you don’t know what it’s like , waiting up all night .

thank you for teaching me how i could live without you .

tell me what it is you wanna know .

you’re not a monster ,  you’re just human .

maybe i need better friends . or maybe i need a wake up call .

there’s so much to do , i’ll never have the wherewithal to do it .

i know i’d miss you ,  if i left right now .

i don’t like anyone better than you .

they told me once nothing grows when a house isn’t a home .

what makes you sure you’re all i need ?

i know you feel the way i do .

forever never really felt so right .

i overcommunicate and feel too much .

you say you’ve changed and you’re sorry ,  but i don’t wanna know .

i know i’ve got friends ,  i still get so lonely .

i’ve been doing greater good for a long time .

i’m no hero ,  but i can take a punch .

i thought it would all be great when i was older .

i used to be the one that was lying .

i can’t stand your condescending tone when you talk to me .

we’re still going cause we’re not quite dead .

i wanna scream ,  but what’s the use ?

i know what’s going on in your head .

you know ,  i never wanted to hurt you .

i don’t want to be a prisoner to who i used to be .

if we could stay this way forever , would it be enough ?

can’t you see that i’m getting bored ?

i hope you don’t think that shit’s fair .

i never knew you had such a dirty mind .

sometimes i don’t have a filter .

i’m the worst mistake that god has ever made .

you know i love you , but i’m still learning to love myself .

darling , you’re sick in the head .

am i someone you can’t live without ?

if you don’t come back , at least i’ve got nothing to lose .

did you think that i should listen to you ?

the meds aren’t working for me anymore .

goodbye to my good side ,  it only ever got me hurt .

you know ,  you’ve got a real smart mouth .

i know i’m where i belong .  deep down inside ,  i’ve known all along .

i’ve been putting myself on the sideline .

i was worth something , and it felt better in my mouth than fresh warm food .

i know i took the path that you would never want for me .

my tongue’s gotten real tired of me biting it .

you’re acting like your deadbeat dad .  you’re better than that .

i swear i changed my ways for the better .

i hate it when dudes try to chase me .

when you’re in love ,  you get so cruel .

sorry , but i guess i’ve gotta let you down again .

just fucking leave me alone .

i walk through this world just trying to be nice .

i can’t be your savior ,  i don’t have the power .

will heaven step in ?  will it save us from our sin ?

follow my lead ,  take my hand .

you should’ve made some plans with me ,  you knew that i was free .

there are things that we’ll never say , but we know .

the only way you can know is to give it all you have .

i’m not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain .

you get me through every dark night .

i know that i’ve done some wrong ,  but i’m trying to make it right .

now you’re over there ,  and i’m way over here , what are we gonna do ?

think about what you believe in .

if i keep my eyes closed ,  he looks just like you .

i don’t wanna feel better .  no one’s ever gonna love me like that again .

there are things that you say ,  and you don’t say .

all my filthy life i loved someone i barely knew .

bless your soul ,  you’ve got your head in the clouds .

what did you say ?  you’re breaking up on me .

if you adore me ,   why do you ignore me ?

you’re not as brave as you were at the start .

it was a bad idea ,  calling you up .

i see it on your face ,  you’ve had a bad day .

people are so fake ,  this world is a cruel place .

i’d rather be hunter than the prey .

someone’s gonna hate ,  it’s never gonna change .

you used to be so kind .

never gonna be easy ,  was it ?

every day’s another shot but all i do is fuck it up .

i can take the hate and all the pain .

it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right .

tell your baby that i’m your baby .

they’ll kick you and they’ll beat you ,  and they’ll tell you it’s fair .

i wanted to pretend that this time was the end .

no one around me knows who i am or what i’ve done .

i would’ve gave it all for you .

i won’t run ,  i’m not afraid .

same way that they come ,  that’s the way they go .

somehow ,  i just want you more .

i never regretted the day that i called you mine .

i don’t want to get over you .

take it out on me .  i don’t mind if we fight if you make me bleed .

you look better in that dress than i do .

i know i let you down ,  didn’t i ?

it’s a cruel ,  cruel world .

i know i don’t want to live without you .

i’m always tired ,  i just can’t fight it .

i’m too consumed with my own life .

you didn’t think it’d be so much fun .

i won’t let you go ,  so don’t let go of me .

darling , you’re so pretty it hurts .

how’d i ever get so off my rocks ?

tell me where i went wrong .

what’s a king to a god ?  what’s a god to a non-believer ?

they’re out to get you ,  better leave while you can .

i know i’ll never know just what to say .

goddamn it ,  i was worth something .

we don’t need to be enemies .

should’ve kept my ass in bed .

i tried to love you ,  but you’re not my type .

there’s something here that i just can’t explain .

baby ,  is that really what you want ?

i’m not good at making friends .

i keep a close watch on this heart of mine .

i’m obsessed ,  i’ve never met someone like you .

can’t you see that you’re lost without me ?

when i’m like this , you’re the one i trust .

i was born into this , won’t hesitate to use my fists .

i always get my revenge .

the world thinks i’m a mess .

there’s something wrong with me ,  cause all i wanna do is get high .

it’s been a long time since i gave a shit .

sometimes i have these thoughts , they leave me all confused .

when i said take me home ,  that wasn’t what i meant .

oh my god ,  why are you sad again ?

you have to show them that you’re really not scared .

i don’t have many friends .  most of them are pretend .

i had my cake ,  and i ate it too .

i’m too afraid about the things i might say .

shit wasn’t real ,  it was all in my head .

it’s too late to apologize .

i know my disposition gets confusing .

you’ve gotta be so cold to make it in this world .

satisfaction is a distant memory .

no one can ever know .

there’s you in everything i do .

i wish i could say that i’m sorry ,  but i’m over that now .

you’re playing with your life ,  this ain’t no truth or dare .

fool me twice ,  and i know that’s all i need .

i hope if everyone leaves ,  you choose to stay .

i was afraid to leave you on your own .

where along the line did we stop seeing eye to eye ?

if they laugh ,  then fuck them all .

i’m sick and tired of everyone in this place .

i miss the way you made me feel .

he’ll never stay . they never do .

take a dose of something to forget .

aren’t we too young for this ?

i’m not the type to admit i’m wrong .

i shouldn’t think the things i’m thinking .

i don’t wanna know where you’ve been ,  or where you go .

[jpswan]

AFFECTIONATE  AND  AFFIRMING  PROMPTS 

❝  i’ll always want to listen to you.  ❞

❝  any time spent with you is time i treasure.  every second.  ❞

❝  my favorite color changes but it’s always the same,  whatever color you’re wearing.  ❞

❝  whatever matters to you matters to me,  you’re important to me.  ❞

❝  you’re so strong.  and brave—but i wish you knew you don’t always have to be.  i’m here,  if you’re ever willing to let me help shoulder those burdens.  ❞

❝  i’m not staring,  i’m admiring.  ❞

❝  i’ll always be yours,  in one way or another.  ❞

❝  you don’t ever have to worry with me.  i’m here for good.  ❞

❝  you are more beautiful than you know.  ❞

❝  you have a beautiful mind and a wonderful soul,  don’t ever let anyone make you think differently.  ❞

❝  i’m happier when you’re here.  ❞

❝  you’ve become my joy.  ❞

❝  whatever else happens,  if i have you,  i’m content.  ❞

❝  well,  i do feel a little better now that you’re here.  ❞

❝  you do make me happy,  it’s important you know that.  ❞

❝  you will always be my priority.  ❞

❝  i love you forever.  ❞

❝  you don’t know how glad i am to see you.  ❞

��  you look wonderful.  ❞

❝  i want you to feel safe with me.  ❞

❝  i’m not letting you go until you say it out loud.  you’re beautiful and strong.  you deserve to believe it.  ❞

❝  sometimes you amaze me—i mean you always do.  but you have such intuition and real wisdom about things.  i like understanding the way you see the world.  ❞

❝  you carry yourself with such grace.  ❞

❝  you have a way of lighting up even the darkest moments.  ❞

❝  a tender heart is a courageous thing to preserve.  don’t ever be ashamed of having one.  ❞

❝   being around you makes me a better person.  ❞

❝  i hope you know just how full of worth you are.  ❞

❝  you always make me see things differently.  i appreciate your perspective. ❞

❝  i’m just enjoying you.  you look happy today and i like seeing that.  ❞

❝  you’re very valuable to me.  ❞

❝  you can come to me with anything.  anything at all.  ❞

❝  there is not a place in the world i would rather be than right here with you.  ❞

❝  come here,  come sit in my lap and tell me about your day.  ❞

❝  come put your head in my lap and tell me something new.  ❞

❝  i love it when you smile at me like that.  ❞

❝  i don’t think i can share you with anyone today.  ❞

❝  i’ll take you anywhere you want.  just tell me where.  ❞

❝  bored? of you?  impossible.  ❞

❝  if you like it i’ll get you one.  ❞

❝  your happiness matters greatly to me.  ❞

❝  you deserve to reach the goals you want in life.  you deserve to obtain anything you wish.  ❞

❝  you’re doing well.  you’re just discouraged and tired.  ❞

❝  you need to rest,  you don’t have to do it all today.  ❞

❝  the way i love you goes beyond description.  even those words don’t seem like enough.  ❞

❝  you come first.  you’re always my first choice.  ❞

❝  no,  if you’re upset that’s what matters right now.  talk to me.  ❞

❝  i want to share in your joy.  i want to be part of all things that make you happy.  ❞

❝  all of my best moments are the ones that have you in them.  ❞

❝  i would give you anything you ask of me. ❞

[ COMFORT ]  sender discovers receiver brooding and quietly approaches to carefully hug them from behind. 

[ SOOTHE ]  in the midst of a tense moment,  receiver turns away to conceal their emotions but sender wraps their arms around them and holds them from behind. 

[ CLOSE ]  sender reaches out and pulls receiver into their lap as they’re walking by. 

[  STOP  ]  sender reaches out and takes receiver’s face into their hands,  drawing them away from what they’re doing so they can just look at receiver for a moment.  

[ GIVE ]  sender greets with receiver with a gift. 

[ BRING ]  sender takes receiver out for the day to pamper them. 

[ ATTENTION ]  sender peppers a series of caresses over receiver’s face in an attempt to make them laugh or smile. 

[ COAX ]  sender knows receiver has had a lot on their mind,  so they hold them for a while to help them relax and hopefully open up. 

[ CARESS ]   sender sits by quietly while receiver works,  petting their hair and simply providing company. 

[ RELAX ]  sender gives receiver a massage. 

[ LOOK ]  for receiver to catch sender gazing adoringly at them.

[ MORNING ]  for sender to wake receiver with a kiss. 

[jpswan]

↪     ᵗʰᵉ 𝑫𝑼𝑺𝑻𝒀 𝑻𝑶𝒀𝑩𝑶𝑿 .    (  a  collection  of  various unsorted sentence starters .  adjust  phrasing  as  necessary .   will be updated frequently .  )

why are you here ?

drive .  drive fast .

i think we should make an informed decision .

are you coming or not ?

you’ve been avoiding me .

[ name ] ,  what were you thinking ?

this should be your priority .

let me hold you for a minute .

get out of my way .  i won’t tell you again .

that wasn’t supposed to happen .

can you keep a secret ?

i don’t know what i did to deserve you .

you seriously think i could’ve done something like that ?

you’re safe with me .

sorry isn’t good enough .

where is all this coming from ?

who told you about that ?

sorry i’m late ,  i got caught up .

you’re being paranoid .

why are you looking at me like that ?

you’re the single most important thing to me .

all i’m asking is that you hear me out .

whatever they told you ,  it’s a lie .

we shouldn’t stick around here .

hold my hand ,  i don’t want to lose track of you .

[ name ]  …  truth or dare ?

i love you .  nothing’s gonna change that .

can you tell me what happened ?

you can’t come around here anymore .

back off ,  okay ?

what ,  you don’t have time for me anymore ?

you’re asking for too much .

i’m trying to start a new life .

what do you mean ,  you aren’t coming back ?

sometimes i think you must hate me .

why can’t we just talk about this ?

i know i fucked up ,  you can stop rubbing it in .

you’ve got quite a reputation .

i’m not usually like this ,  i’m sorry .

please ,  just let me explain myself .

i love watching you work .

we’re on the same team .

did you ever tell anyone ?

you’ve got a lot of explaining to do .

really funny ,  you’re very mature .

you call THAT a PLAN ?

can we get out of here ?

i thought things would be different .

this is not up for debate !

do whatever you have to do .

karma’s going to get you for that .

it could’ve been a lot worse .

i asked you to leave me out of this .

maybe it’s time to take a leap of faith .

i never want to see you again .

can you see how many fingers i’m holding up ?

i’m gonna be there when you get what’s coming to you .

you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me .

i’ve been waiting all night for this .

i told you not to contact me .

sometimes i really think you have a death wish .

what do you need ?  —  what can i do ?

i would do literally anything to keep you safe .

that was supposed to be a secret .

you haven’t called me that in years .

stop telling me to calm down !

we make a pretty good team .

i have so much i want to say to you .

i’m not going to let anyone hurt you .

can we please not do this right now ? 

wait ,  wait  …  just breathe for a second .

how are you holding up ?

why don’t you stay the night ?  i’ll take the couch .

i don’t need your protection !

you’re not making this easier on yourself .

are you going to let me in ?

i’m supposed to be protecting you .

i will kill you if i have to .

do whatever you have to do .

this is going to hurt ,  i’m sorry .

what happened to you ,  where have you been ?!

there was nothing you could’ve done .

you’re all i need right now .

i don’t believe in love at first sight .

have you been following me ?

i need you to believe me .

what do you remember ?

i’m not a good person .

what the hell’s going on with you ?

you’re being followed .

just when i thought my day couldn’t be any worse .

i’ve been having weird dreams .

so you’ve been lying to me this whole time ?

are you trying to get us killed ?

this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me .

i never asked for your help .

you’re being followed ,  pretend you know me .

why has it started to feel different with you ?

don’t worry ,  i have a plan .

i heard everything .

do you need to sit down ?

i have the right to know what’s going on .

i’ve just gotta catch my breath .

stay out of my business .

what did you think was going to happen ?!

don’t cause a scene .

tell me something about you that i don’t know .

can i buy you a drink ?

what if  …  we played spin the bottle ?

this was never a problem until  [ name ]  came around .

you can’t ask me to make that choice .

are you seeing anyone right now ?

i need you to listen to me ,  we don’t have long .

you’re lying ,  that doesn’t make any sense .

you look  …  stunning .

what are you trying to prove ?

who died and made you the boss of me ?

you can’t just show up here like this .

let me make it up to you .

there’s no way i’m leaving you like this .

can we stay like this ?  just for a little longer .

i don’t need you to fight for me .

so  …  you lied to me ?

you’re the only one that can help me .

i can’t help you if you won’t let me .

i never introduced myself ,  i’m [ name ] .

i expected more from you .

you have no idea who i am ,  do you ?

are you real ?  is this real ?

can i stay with you ?  just for the night .

you’re going to get yourself killed .

why did you help me ?

tell me what i can do to help .

pick a card ,  any card .

i never wanted any of this .

i love you .   you don’t have to say it back .

do you wanna get out of here ?

what the hell are you talking about ?

i should have trusted you .

get your head out of the clouds .

how is any of this MY fault ?!

what aren’t you telling me ?

i can’t help you if you won’t let me .

it’s never just one with you ,  is it ?

you’re not supposed to know about that .

shut your mouth .

i haven’t kissed you yet ,  today .

where is this coming from ?

come over here and make me ,  then .

keep lying to yourself ,  see where it gets you .

i’m not a bad person .

is that what you wanted to hear ?

we can’t be seen together .

i can’t give you what you want .

i need you to leave .

are you drunk ?

i’m here ,  i’m here .  i’m not going anywhere .

you might want to take a seat for this .

have you been listening to anything i’ve said ?

i haven’t heard from you in weeks .

you’re jealous ,  aren’t you ?

who do you think you’re talking to ?

what are you reading ?

you could’ve killed me !

come on ,  we don’t have time for this .

i just need ten minutes of silence .

really ?  that’s all you have to say ?

we could leave ,  you know .  go far away .

you don’t look too good .

i never want to see you again .

why can’t you just leave me alone ?

i thought you died .

you’ll do anything for attention .

give me another chance .

how’s the weather up there ?

all you do is hurt people !

i’m sorry ,  none of this makes sense .

you need to get out of here before anyone sees you .

i told you i didn’t want you around here .

is that supposed to be a threat ?

you’ve changed .

don’t look at me like that .

it’s a beautiful day ,  don’t you think ?

i did what i had to do .

you never know when to stop .

i’ve got to get home ,  it’s getting late .

i have nothing to prove to you .

stop LYING to me  …  all you do is lie .

you don’t have to be nice to everybody .

don’t tell me what to do .

pull your head out of the past .

nobody can help me .  i can’t even help me .

we are not talking about that right now .

are you new around here ?

you have no idea what you’re starting .

i’m gonna get us out of here .

whatever you came here to say ,  i don’t want to hear it .

everyone’s staring at us .

is there anything i can do to help ?

i won’t cause you any more trouble .

– just follow my instructions for once !

do you want to come in ?

i just didn’t know what to do .

you need rest ,  lie down .

i’m not who you think i am .

i don’t know what you want me to say .

you’re not like anyone else i’ve ever met .

i feel like i’m going insane .

stop asking ,  you’re not going to like my answer .

i didn’t want you to see me any differently .

i wish i knew what to say to you .

don’t give me that look ,  you know what i mean .

you should be afraid .

do you still love me ?

i never thought i’d get this far .

the world doesn’t revolve around you .

i need you to give me some space .

i know what you’re doing ,  don’t play games .

you left me to die .

i’m beyond repentance .

when are you going to get it through your head ?

i missed you more than i thought i would .

i’m in love with you .

what do you need from me ?

i’ll kill them ,   just say the word .

[ name ] ,   what are you doing here ?

how can i help ?

you’re pathetic .

i need you to come pick me up .

where have you been ?  it’s eleven o’clock .

i couldn’t live with myself if i let you get hurt .

i can’t just pretend it didn’t happen .

you’re a real piece of work .

do you remember how we first met ?

when did all of this fall apart ?

that’s not what i came here for .

i would do anything for you .

[jpswan]

Send me ☠ and I'll write a small drabble of my muse dying beside yours

[jpswan]

Nonsexual acts of Intimacy - Select from the following for my muse to respond to...

[jpswan]

HARD-TO-FIND HURT / COMFORT ACTION PROMPTS.

a selection of some of my favorite underrepresented situations and actions for one of my favorite tropes! feel free to add + REVERSE to any of the prompts to change the situation and provide context as necessary. do not add to this list.  

CRADLE : sender picks up the injured / unconscious receiver and holds them close to their chest, carrying them to safety. 

GUARDIAN : facing down a threat, sender pushes receiver back with an arm, moving to stand in front of them and protecting them with their own body.

TENDER : receiver wakes up to sender caressing them gently; a hand carding through their hair, brushing hair off their forehead, a hand on their cheek, a thumb swiping under their eye.

SHELTER : seeing a threat barreling toward them (such as a storm, the shockwave from an explosion, or a building they’re in collapsing), sender holds the injured / incapacitated receiver close, turning their back to the threat to bear the brunt of the impact instead of the receiver.

FLICKER : sender thinks they’re too late to save receiver and begins to mourn them / sinks in defeat and grief, holding them close, only to find through a simple action (a cough, a twitch of a hand, a murmured word) that they haven’t left them after all. 

DELIRIUM : receiver wakes up to sender’s relief, only for receiver to not believe it’s really sender (that they’re imagining sender or that they don’t think sender would come for them) or that they’re finally safe. 

CONCEAL : both muses have been injured or have fallen ill, though sender keeps their injury / illness secret in favor of taking care of receiver. however, as receiver gets better, sender’s injury / illness worsens from lack of care, and they wind up collapsing, their injury / illness fully revealed. 

GUIDE : sender has been injured, but their skills are needed to help with the muses’ current situation (an escape plan, tending a wound, or diffusing a weapon, for example). sender has to walk receiver through the procedure, all the while trying to stay conscious. 

SAVIOR : receiver is at the mercy of a threat, and all seems lost, only for sender to suddenly burst in and come to their rescue, bearing weapons and all the protective spirit they can muster, to the relief / confusion / anger of receiver. 

LAST RESORT : injured / sick and alone after an encounter with a threat or a run-in with a dangerous situation, sender finds themself at receiver’s door, coming to them because they have nowhere else to go.

[jpswan]

[jpswan]