jsbstntrinidad

[jsbstntrinidad]

spontaneous confessions of an insecure person

There are those days na I feel so confident and sure about myself and the path I'm taking and there's days like these - where all I could think about are the acne scars on my face, the blackheads I've worked hard for, my big pores, my weak jawline, and how I don't look as good as those people I see on TikTok. And how figuring life out feels like a spiral.

There are days like this when all I see is how everyone is doing so much better than me. How others have it so easily. Envious of people who are just so disciplined, filled with grit, etc. And here I am, having a hard time working on a project because I subconsciously believe that it will just blow up on my face.

And I know I shouldn't be thinking about these things, I know that i'm just digging a hole for myself to fall in but I am still thinking about it. How I wish all my insecurities would vanish in an instant.

I just don't feel like anything I do is enough.

But then again, this is me putting so much focus on myself over God in my life. Oh what a prideful person I am 🤣 so the bottom line of the confession is this:

what is it to gain all these superficial things and lose your soul in the process? As if the fullness of life is found in achieving security on your own terms. Because life approached this way will just put you in a rut. These things should not be your god. The ultimate answer to why we're here, who we are, and what we're worth is Jesus. It wasn't supposed to be achieved through our own means.

All insecurities end in Jesus. Because he makes us whole. He knows our value beyond all these superficial things. But until our mind has been transformed, know that there's grace for you insecure, Joshua.

Prayer: Jesus, help me place my security and worth only in you, away from the sinking sands of my self-image, career, and performance. Please calm the thoughts that keep me from stepping up to who you called me to be and replace it with the truth of my identity in You, In Jesus' Name, amen!

[jsbstntrinidad]

"nothing about you is real, everything is manufactured"

those words hit me like a bucket of cold water.

What if everything I do really is for show? What if deep growth has taken the back seat because I shifted to care more about the externals? What if I've just learned how to manufacture qualities that I want in my life through sheer effort? e.g. self-discipline, resilience, fruitful, even spiritual.

What if in my pursuit of wanting please my Creator and the people around me, I am losing Him in the process?

As I walked through our streets here in our village, I wished Jesus himself was walking right beside talking me through all these introspective questions, existential ones.

How I wish He would just say to me that I'm losing touch of what matters most, that I've grown so superficial, that I'm not as authentic that I think I am -

that I'm the Pharisee who prayed in the synagogues, who was putting a show, who eventually rejected their only hope for redemption - that I'm a full-blown hypocrite.

Because in my mind, I'm doubting if I could trust my personal introspection. I do think I'm okay, I do think I'm Christ-like but the heart is deceitful above all things. On the other hand, what if my own heart is condemning for the person that I am not?

I just need someone to say that I am, and who's a better judge of character then Jesus himself?

And then I hear Him say,

"as a matter of fact you are, you are who you accused yourself of"

But weirdly with a gentle voice. Captivated, I listen.

Yes, you are losing touch but I am not.

Yes, you've grown superficial but I see beyond your act, I see your contrite heart.

Yes, you're not as authentic as you think you are but I love you still.

Yes, you are the Pharisee but I also died for him, can't you see?

And it couldn't make more sense as it did. Unexpectedly, I feel no condemnation at all. Because the truth is, behind the good that people see in me, I'm just a wretched sinner - flawed, imperfect, lustful, prideful, innately evil.

And yet, even in my hypocrisy, he sees me worthy of love and affection. I hate that He has so much hope that I can change but it is what it is.

Oh, the restorative, freeing power of the gospel.

Through the gospel, I can confidently say that exposing is restorative. If seeing all the bad parts of me, would mean seeing all of His goodness.

Then God, though uncomfortable, breaking to my ego, reveal me for what I truly am and clothe me with Who you are.

I am learning to become the child of God that He wants me to be. I'm learning to rest in Him always, to find Him enough. I'm learning not to perform, I'm learning not just strive - as I seek Him, even fail on Him.

Grace makes sense of what our logic cannot.

If you're like me and you're feeling this way, please receive grace, don't let the devil condemn you. Through Jesus, you can get out of your own head and think of what is good. Choose to start again, this time the right way. Get back to the roots, stop being so obsessed with the fruit.

[jsbstntrinidad]

If you want to help others and love others, begin by being healthy in your own spiritual life. Let the Lord take over your burdens, and rest in the secret place.

[jsbstntrinidad]

no more playing it safe. I'll free fall into faith.

[jsbstntrinidad]

Napagod ako pero...

The last few weeks have been the most stressful and demanding phase of my life so far this 2021. While I am grateful for how God is using all these for my growth as a leader, minister, and professional, I can't help but grumble and think - this is too much, this is so tiring. I don't think I can do this.

Minsan kahit anong pilit kong sabihin na things I do will eventually pay off and that God will reward me, this is for Him - the pressures and exhaustion got to me. It led me to question my worthiness and capabilities as well as a second guess if I was really in God's will, considering I may have gotten ahead of myself because of the promotion I think God is giving me.

Up to this day, I still struggle with these thoughts. But I have been constantly reminded by the Lord that I am worthy and that I don't need to perform to gain people's acceptance (because that's just pointless), more so, His. Though I've had shortcomings here and then, talagang yung calling ni Lord (which doesn't have to be BIG thing) remained. He was so decided to use me even when He knew Himself I would fail a thousand times. And there I was thinking, more disciplined and faithful and righteous people can do this better pero hay, grace.

Isa rin na naremind ako through Ptr.Steven, that my hesitations and uncertainty doesn't mean I have an uncertain purpose.

Also, hindi yung ko passion for the ministry and my discipline as person ang magsusustain sa akin through all, but my communion with the Lord, yung dependence ko sa grace ni Jesus, like what Ate Janine said. And maybe because of that, for a moment back there, I grew weary and more susceptible sa mga pagatake ni taning. But hey I'm learning, ikaw din. Don't feel bad for too long; one thing I knew that if I settle in too long and not gasp for air through God's grace, I'll be in a less favorable situation emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Kahit na napagod ako ng beri light, maasahan ko na lahat ng pagpapagal at pagtitiyaga magbubunga hindi lang sa sarili ko, kundi pati na rin sa mga bagay na mahalaga at malapit sa puso ko. Besides, sureball ang renewal of strength na meron kay Jesus, kailangan lang talaga lumapit sa Kanya.

San ba patungo tong writing na 'to?! Hindi ko din alam pero natripan kong magsulat ng ala-una ng madaling araw. Share ko lang recent experience ko in hopes that this would speak to you as well, salamat kung umabot ka dito. If oo, I could use an encouragement wag ka naman madamot. Yun lang night.

[jsbstntrinidad]

“The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow.”

— Unknown

[jsbstntrinidad]

even if I am unheard or unseen, or this ends as an unfulfilled dream, I will write until my heart's desire, I will encourage, exhort, and inspire.

this is not for clout or vain appeal, nor is it a pastime or for me, just something ideal, I write for a purpose, I write for a King nothing more and nothing less, for His glory at ultimate best.

when motivation runs lows and inspiration seem sparse, be reminded of His scars. I am commissioned to tell a great story, to bring light to this world so dark and weary.

so I'll keep writing even when it seems I've run out of reasons because there's grace for today, tomorrow, and for every season. There are provision and revelation, lives are blessed as I communicate His lesson

there are people needing to hear, a message I am chosen to tell. By His grace, through me, they will be set free. So write and speak, blog and create content, do it as if it's your heart's only intent, because it is.

my voice may be small and unsure, I will pursue and I will endure, whatever I will face or encounter, I will grow and I will know - but for now,

I will be faithful.

Someday, I will be honored in the Father's sight and that's all that matters.

[jsbstntrinidad]

[jsbstntrinidad]

random learnings from october

If you don't do it, no one will.

Faith is being able to say that His plans are still good even when faced with rejections or setbacks.

Trust is the foundation of intimacy. To grow closer with someone is to trust more.

unless the mindset is changed, no meaningful work will be done.

As Christians, we always struggle from a place of victory.

In due time, the Lord himself will exalt those who patiently wait and endure.

There is joy and fulfillment in this season. I am where I need to be.

It takes times to be certain but movement shouldn't depend on certainty. Go on, do it afraid.

when there is no well-defined goal and direction, productivity is unlikely.

Greatness is achieved by faithfully doing the things you are passionate about in secret, even when you are not given recognition.

Self-discipline isn't enough. Dependence on God is what assures us of a bright future.

The statement "help yourself", as logical as it seems, isn't gonna help us in the long run. It revolves around our own strength which denies our need of Him. It should be "ask God to help you help yourself".

Effectiveness isn't solely defined by recognition.

Never lose touch with your roots. As you grow, never forget about what matters most.

[jsbstntrinidad]

You can't be there for everybody and that's okay, that doesn't make us less of a leader or friend. Maturity is being able to be at peace that we can't attend to every need around us, that we can't always reach out to people we feel we should reach out to. Sometimes, the greatest thing we can only do is to pray for them, or even hope the best for them. We need to believe in God's sovereignty - that even in our absence, the people that we value and care about will be well taken care for. God has placed people. He is placing reminders all around them. They aren't too far gone.

And that isn't selfish, that's wisdom at work. No matter how much sacrifice and effort we put into the people we love, the truth is that we will fall short and they will struggle or, God-forbid, fall away - that's just how it is. When all has been exhausted in our pursuit to help them, surrender. Stop beating yourself up for your "shortcomings". You did what you could. Now, faith. Being there doesn't always mean being "there".

[jsbstntrinidad]

The things I still do not know, the areas of my greatest struggle, the weaknesses that I still bear, the restraints I have yet to break free from, - are all spaces for God's grace to operate. The pressure points of this season are never without purpose. Pressure refines. Pressure purges. Pressure sanctifies. Pressure nurtures.

I will not stay the same. I will not remain in the same place or situation. I will not. I choose not to. I will grow and learn. I will rise and conquer. I will break free and soar. I'm not staying. The pressure ain't gonna stop me.

[jsbstntrinidad]

things I've learned from the last “ordinary” days of my life

never go out on a hike with only a bottle of water.

sleep is essential lalo na bago ang isang araw na nakakapagod.

when at fault say, “sorry master”.

I will never get it perfectly at the first try so do it anyways. 

the fear is a reminder of the greatness that lies inside of you. Let that greatness burst out.

just because we are uncertain doesn’t mean we are ineffective. 

being confident is a process.

what God wants to happen, will surely happen. God can’t be stopped.

maturity is being able to put others needs before ours.

Our calling and anointing is wasted when we allow ourselves linger in moments of isolation. 

what I think, I can accomplish. 

when I can no longer go on, God will. He will sustain me. 

The higher we go, the harder it gets. The harder it gets, the more we depend on God. The more we depend on God, the stronger we become. The stronger we become, the more risks we take. Risks entails growth. 

The goal or the endpoint will always be worth the struggle. Endure endure lang kapatid.

the person who leads, his thoughts and actions, matter. 

it’s okay to feel like giving up in the middle, let it be a reminder that on our own strength we just can’t and that’s when we depend on God even more.

our struggles are a lot more bearable with friends. 

we can learn a lot from the people God has placed around us if we take the time to listen and get off our high horse. 

I cannot do it all. 

Lagi magdala ng sunscreen at insect repellant. 

kahit na madilim at nakakapagod yung paligid, as long as we know the trail and where it leads, we can have peace. 

Until God moves, all we can do is wait, long, and worship. Worship is waiting. Worship is honoring the timing of God.

the purpose of leading worship is not to satisfy the crowd and bring them in an emotional experience but more of making people realize that, with or without goosebumps, God is worthy of praise. So dapat our hearts should always be inclined to worship.

calling and anointing is irrevocable.

there’s is no place for uncertainty and self-doubt when leading people into worship. 

our mistakes and shortcomings doesn’t intimidate God. What God deemed useful and of great purpose is deemed as is. 

lack of drive or motivation isn’t the problem, it’s the lack of vision.

this are just a few of the things God has taught me and I am grateful because God has used the past ordinary days of my life and the people I’ve been with to rekindle something in my heart. The inspiration from hearing their testimonies and seeing them to just simply carry out the work of a minister will be treasured and not be put into waste. God knows how these people ministered to me as well. until next time. 

[jsbstntrinidad]

Poems & Words

[jsbstntrinidad]

stuck between "little progress" and "no progress at all"

Sometimes I fall into the notion that I'm not having any progress at all and that all the positive self-talk is just my way of softening the blow of the ugly truth; nothing is happening with my life.

On the other hand, I force myself to believe that I am making progress, little progress but right now I am questioning myself if I'm doing that at the expense of personal discipline.

So it is, I'm stuck between and it's uncomfortable. What's to believe in a time of self-doubt?

Well, progress isn't linear.

Progress isn't a straight line. There will be slow and unfruitful days, weeks, months, or even years in our pursuit of success in different aspects of our lives. In the same way, there will be seasons in our lives where growth would be exponential, where creativity flows, where inspiration isn't scarce, etc. Sometimes you will have great progress, sometimes little, and sometimes none at all - being in a winter season (where all is slow) doesn't make you less of a person (if anything it fortifies you and molds you and that's beautiful).

That's why we need to be patient while not being complacent. Everything will be made beautiful in its perfect time. Little progress or no progress at all; there is all-sufficient, soul-sustaining, peace-giving grace from the Lord. Learn to instinctively lean into that whenever waves of self-doubt come rushing in. Besides, we have this lifetime to make up for our losses. better, productive, and more fulfilling days will come. So set yourself free.

[jsbstntrinidad]

figuring out what we want to do with our lives is, obviously, a life long process. Yes, it is important for us to be aggressive in searching for our passions in life but when life puts us in a rut and opportunities aren't showing up; we may implode in the frustration of not knowing what to do or where to go or what to start. Sometimes, life will just be routinary and our daily agendas will just be in hues of gray. There will be seasons where we will feel a bit lost, disoriented, and detached; and that's okay. The quicker we accept that, the quicker we move past our frustration.

There is grace for the people who are still figuring out stuff with their lives. Don't hate yourself for not knowing what to do yet. Figuring out will take time but until then, be patient and let this season of repetition compel you to create new spaces for growth and self-discovery. You will find your passion soon, you will find something that will drive you every morning to get up. You will find something that will be worth your time and worth the journey of finding joy in. You will find a greater desire that will overpower your lesser pleasures (Netflix binge-watching, oversleeping, etc) with which you are so tired of already.

So cheer up, frustrated one. Realize that in the unknowns and certainties, God will be equally faithful. He wants you to find what your passion and aspiration a thousand time than you do; rest on this promise and lean into His Word.

You will get there by Grace.

[jsbstntrinidad]

[jsbstntrinidad]

Huwag kang matakot kung hindi mo alam. Huwag kang panghinaan kung nagsisimula ka pa lamang. Hindi nabuo ang isang gusali sa isang araw. Hindi naaabot ang tuktok ng walang pagod at walang uhaw. Habaan mo pa ang iyong pasensiya. Hayaan mong gawin ng oras ang trabaho nito. Tumingin sa likod at alalahanin, na malayo na din pala ang nadadating natin. Magtiwala ka na kakayanin mo, dahil iyon ang totoo. Pagdududahan mo ang mga duda sa sarili dahil hindi ka dumating sa puntong ito kung hindi dahil sa iyo. Madapa man sa gitna ng lakarin, panghinaan man sa harap ng umuusig sa atin - dalangin kong iyong piliin na huwag tumalikod at sumuko, na muling bumangon at mangangako -

Hindi ako titigil na umasa. Hindi papadala sa alon ng emosyon. Hindi iisipin na hanggang dito na lang talaga.

Hindi na ulit pipiliing magmukmok. Hindi na ulit pipiling tumakbo papalayo -

dahil kailanman, hindi sagot ang pagtakbo.

p. s. Kita ko lang sa drafts ko, skl kahit meh.

p. s. pero realtalk, huwag kang tatakbo palayo yan talaga point nyan hahahhah