jspwellness

[jspwellness]

good things take time.

I’m officially caught in the “holiday hustle-bustle” or however you spell it, or honestly, that might not be a term but stick with me, please.

Thanksgiving was great, but Thanksgiving kicked my ass. I spent the holiday with family and relaxing and going back to work was TOUGH. My OCD perfectionistic ass was kicked and super behind. I spent the whole day trying to get caught up and then visited my mom in the hospital after she got a knee replacement, frantically driving over thinking about how I love her but I really have so much to do and I couldn’t stay that long. y’all, I spent the whole day stressing - rushing from one thing to the next, including seeing my mom who had major surgery (who even does that?!) - feeling so behind. and then I walked into a hospital and BAM. welcome to the place where time stands still - where I was put in my place really, REALLY quick. i sat in the ultimate most “bring you back down to earth” place ever - the hospital waiting room - and it all dawned on me.

today is December 3rd, 2019. i may be super behind at work, but i have a job i LOVE. i live in a beautiful house and am married to a guy i love and have the best family in the world. i get the privilege to live this day doing things with a healthy body. I will never get to redo this day - ever. why am I rushing through it? I don’t get a redo. so I got to see my mom who had an INCREDIBLE SURGERY, talk to her for 4 hours and go to bed way too late, getting absolutely not enough done that I was “supposed to”. but do you know what? that’s life.

I know our society is really great at making beautiful typography about being ~grateful~ and all that other shit, but y’all, it's hard. it’s as if the world is against you when you try to slow down and not rush. from the post office to the chick-fil-a line (for a peppermint chocolate chip milkshake, duh), it’s like you feel everyone’s nervous energy and it’s so easy to take on. but don’t - resist. 

if therapy has taught me anything - it’s checking in with yourself. it’s not something I’m great at, but you know what, no one's perfect! when the holidays starting getting absolutely insane (they will), and deadlines are flying at you (they will), and you feel the urge to autopilot your day just to get through - don’t. your work will still (unfortunately) be waiting for you the next day, but watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with your mom at 9:30 PM in a hospital room on a Monday really can’t wait, I promise.

xoxo.

[jspwellness]

grief, man.

Y’all, I’m here for the leaves falling and PSLs and all that shit, don’t get me wrong. But even with all the pumpkin picking and all, this is a heavy time for me. + with that being said, I just want to preface this with one statement that you guys can NEVER forget: YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE CARRYING WITH THEM. Even though it really is so beyond unfair, bad things happen to good people and even though I’m still wildly confused about how the world keeps turning and the sun rises + sets... it does. You have to live your life and keep pushing on. 

I was a normal girl, who lived in a normal neighborhood in a normal town. I had a normal boyfriend and a normal family who were all pretty boring and nothing like a dramatic lifetime movie. Nothing crazy happened in my life - cue the thinking: “things like *this* never happen to people like *me*”. (until they do.)

Until I was 21 and seeing some shitty movie at the movie theater at the promenade + realized I had 3 unheard voicemails from my parents. My parents hadn’t heard from my brother in 7 hours - which was strange. My brother called my parents all the time and they were worried. They left the house - told me to come home and told me they’d let me know what happened. It was too quick to file a missing person report - I mean it was ‘only’ 7 hours. But I knew.

I remember getting to my house + sitting in that old blue velvet armchair looking at the front door for hours. Even though he had only been out of touch with my parents for 7 hours and it was possible his phone just died, or he fell asleep, or he just forgot to call - I knew he didn’t. I sat up all night - staring at that front door knowing I would never get to see my brother again. My parents called, holding onto hope, looking everywhere until 3 AM. Told me they would sleep from 3 AM to 6 AM - just to look again. I couldn’t shake this feeling that he was gone. When I found out he was gone - shit, there are no words for how I felt. I started talking to God, BEGGING him to let this not be real. “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO HIM? HE JUST GOT A PROMOTION AT WORK? IT IS HIS WIFES BIRTHDAY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?” literally SCREAMING at the top of my lungs. I called his phone over and over again for hours, talking until the stupid voicemail cut me off, saying all of the things I wished I would have said when he was here. That I didn’t “hate” him for making fun of my skeletor body, and that I was so proud of him for all he has done, and thanking him for hating all of my stupid exboyfriends because he was always right. Crying on the phone knowing he’d miss my college graduation, my wedding, and never get to be the funny goof off uncle to my future children that he totally would have pulled off with ease. Crying that I didn’t want to be an only child - I didn’t want to do holidays without him, birthdays without him, or have to face awkward family parties without him by my side. Y’all - I just lost it and really couldn’t get it back together. I couldn’t go in public without losing it, couldn’t speak at his funeral to anyone without beginning to sob because I couldn’t believe that he was gone. As I type this, I’m still crying and to be honest, this week is going to be a mess but it’s FINE. 

You truly don’t know what people are carrying unless they tell you. This is one of the (many) things my brother taught me, unfortunately, I didn’t get to learn this one from him, but I learned this one having to live without him. I didn’t know how I would graduate college, and the dreaded ‘Q + A with the new student teacher” at my 3rd-grade placement was truly one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. Being asked “So do you have any siblings?” + saying “yes, I have a brother” without having a nervous breakdown 3 weeks after my brother died is still and most likely will be in my top 10 hardest moments. But I did. + I graduated. + I figured it out. I fell apart and put myself together, knowing that Bill would give me so much shit if I just spent my whole life crying in bed + making excuses.

What I also learned is that if something doesn’t feel good - GET RID OF IT. I know, I know, you’ve seen it in ~so~ many self-care memes, but listen to me when I say this: We don’t know how long we have and you need to live like that every. single. day. If you hate your job - leave it. If your friends suck - get new friends. If you're unhappy where you live - move. Stop biting your tongue, sitting on your hands and thinking that you’re not in control because you 100% are. And even in your hardest times remember growing old is a privilege that not everyone gets. My brother would be turning 36 - and every second without him, I miss him even more + daydream about where he would be, what he would be doing, and what his life would be.

I know that he’d be pissing me off - making fun of me 99% of the time, I’m sure. He’d be calling me to talk about what we’d buy Mom + Dad for Christmas and constantly making fun of me for being a “fitness studio manager” like y’all, I can’t even imagine. But in all my sadness, I know that the best way to honor him is to be a girl that takes no shit, lives the life I want, and makes fun of my dad every single chance I get. I honor him by have weekly dinners with my family and enjoying every single second I have with them. That’s all I can do. + one day, when I (hopefully) get to raise my own William Christopher Savage-Pierson, I’ll tell him about his annoyingly hilarious Uncle Bill that he would have loved, and tell him that even if they will never meet, they will also be tied together. 

Hug your family tight + live a life you love.

xoxo.

[jspwellness]

let’s start by getting v vulnerable.

Do you know how Lizzie McGuire always kept a journal about her young teenage life? Well, so did I. Except I didn’t have a sassy animated character offering her feedback. + I think that’s something that has always helped me - writing out all the things and reflecting. I’ve wanted to start a ~blog~ for a while, and you know what? Let’s get started.

It’s been quite a year. And by quite, I mean an AWESOME one. I’d like to owe it all to the fact that I got a job I LOVE (I did) or I spent another year with my #1 supporter and best husband ever (I did) or that I just had such great time with my family and friends (which I also did). But you know why I did? Because I decided that I would stop putting it off + go to therapy. Ugh - I did NOT want to do this. Even though it’s kind of ‘trendy’ (is that the word? uh?) to talk about self-care and how incredible therapy can be, I’m not an influencer, I have a ton of shit on my plate, and WHY would I need therapy? I came from an INCREDIBLE upbringing, with loving parents, never had some insane trauma happen that I can think of, and it just didn’t feel like I ‘needed it’.

I hate saying that. Like I’m ‘above’ getting help. But, alas.

But let’s get this straight. I was NEVER above therapy. I had constant body dysmorphia, probably since age 4. I decided to become a ‘vegetarian’ in college, pretty much to justify the fact that I only ate special K cereal and ate about twice a day. My perfectionism ran my life - After graduating college and not being able to obsess over grades anymore, I became completely obsessed with a career that completely destroyed me. Worked alllll the hours with none of the appreciation. I have constantly been running from one thing to the other, hating that my life wasn’t what I imagined.  Got the job of my dreams, and lost one point in an audit and had a nervous breakdown and panic attack because I “let everyone down” and that’s when it hit me. When does perfectionism become something else? When is it not being “type A” and it’s high key just RUINING your life? Friends - this is a thing. Afraid that when all is said and done, I’m wasting my life and never will feel like anything I do is good enough. Never feeling like my life is what I “imagined”. 

In May of 2019, I was at wits end. Crying in therapy, I felt lost. What was happening? How can your life feel GREAT, but you feel like nothing is ever good enough at the same time? Like you know things are good, but they feel so...not? My therapist looked at me, and told me what I never thought I would want to hear: “Would you ever consider taking medication - like, ever?”

I don’t take asprin. Don’t get me started with synthetic fragrances, because I CANNOT. Dryer sheets are toxic and my husband would probably get ripped apart if he even thought about bringing them into the house. Medication? I couldn’t. Its against everything I “believe” in and I don’t “need” medication. What did I ever go through that would make “ME” need medication? It seemed like it wasn’t even an option.

I was diagnosed with OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - and honestly started laughing. WHAT? I don’t tap, I don’t count, I honestly throw my clothes on the floor sometimes and don’t think twice. But I’m not a doctor, and I figured maybe I was missing something. VERY hesitantly, I went on medication and was planning how I could get off of it ASAP because medication wasn’t something I ever “wanted”. And you know what? It has changed my LIFE. 

Why am I saying this? We live in an all or nothing world, fam. Either you eat junk food all the time and are one of those “omgosh I eat like a pig! LOL” girls or you’re restricting yourself hardcore, then eating 2 sleeves or oreos and feeling bad about it for 3 weeks. Our culture makes it SO hard to balance doing things that don’t fit into what you THINK you’re supposed to be. I’m super wellness focused, and will sniff all the oils all the time, but you know what? I’m on meds because without them, my life is just foggy. I love doing things to help others and am conscious about so many things, but you know what? I love fast fashion and am not always thinking about purchasing clothes that are “organic” and ethically sourced. It can be one, and still be the other. We don’t have to choose. I love collagen powder and drink protein shakes and free range meats, but don’t give me twizzlers because I don’t CARE what is in them. No regrets.

I’m not one thing. I’m not one idea. But I don’t have to be, and neither do you. And if you’re like me, then you’re in the right place.

Welcome! 

xoxo.