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jungwondazed · 9 months ago

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a kingdom by the forest

themes: historical forbidden love, royals and nobles, angst, sworn enemies, and slow burn.

warnings: NSFW WARNING for future parts, SFW for this chapter. not 100% historically accurate.

heeseung x reader; word count: 7.8k

PART ONE.

he had never captured her attention, not within the years of knowing each other through family rivalries, let alone in the middle of this village where he so happened to bump into her without notice.

she scoffed, head still turned around towards him as he walked away never looking back, disappearing into the large crowd of civilians.

the noble families throughout the land were fiercely competitive with one another. with hardly any room for friendly connections or conversation, the king’s opinion and words were the only ones that were valued. the royal family ruled the nations with an authoritative form of government, causing tensions to rise throughout the centuries.

once a year, the king hosted a grand summer celebration in his palace to celebrate the death of his queen. families from all different ranks and nations gathered together in respect to the royal family. the queen’s last wish was to bring back the once-chivalrous nature of this civilization.

nobles showed up with smiles and polite greetings but the glances and gazes around the room revealed everyone’s true jealous nature. the idea of unity between the aristocratic families in this lifetime was impossible, as parents taught their children to stay far away from those with a certain surname and if any of that is disobeyed the price to pay was never worth it.

heeseung was seen across the room, standing behind his mother and father, and side by side with his younger siblings. as the eldest son, he was held to an impossible standard that seeing how stoic and emotionless he was, came to no surprise. his family was highly respected and had a kind of wealth that wouldn’t run out for generations. working closely with the king during the war all those years ago earned them great status and appreciation from the everyday citizens.

he found a celebration like this superficial, scowling at how anyone’s death would warrant hundreds of people gathering together for drinks and dancing. if he was ever found dead and his loved ones threw a party for every passing year, he’d haunt them in their sleep. as his gaze scanned the room, he paused at the sight of her. heeseung mildly recalled bumping into her a few days ago and the obnoxious reaction that came out of it. the amusing part was he didn’t even notice her furrowed brows and disgusted gaze from the corner of his eye until he heard that dramatic scoff. that was the most attention she had ever given him, and it was strange that her presence at this celebration brought him to think of that moment. because it didn’t matter what her reaction was, none of it mattered at all as he was raised to keep his distance at best and think horribly of her at worst. heeseung’s face remained still when her gaze met his, and she quickly looked away with annoyance.

she was bored of these parties from the king, if it wasn’t a celebration for one thing it was for another. there was a grand gathering every few weeks and it did nothing to change the relations between the noble families. after complaining to her mother about yet another celebration of the queen’s death, one that she had been going to since childhood, her mother simply pulled at her hair a bit tighter than necessary to secure her up-do, before hissing in her ear that this was an honor.

sneaking off into the queen’s garden, she sat alongside the pond where she gazed at her reflection in the water. being the youngest daughter was miserable and boring. some would title it “the invisible child,” with all her older brothers being the center of attention at all times. due to their high status of being aristocrats, school was in her room at her desk with a hired private tutor. friends were not an option and the most conversation she got out of anyone by her age was telling a kid it was okay when they ran into her. loneliness was agonizing and she had fallen victim to it.

the fake laughter and string music coming from inside the palace was muffled, with the air’s gentle breeze being the only thing louder than the party. as she got lost in thought, a branch snapped to her left and her head immediately turned to the foreign sound. with her hyper awareness tuning into what that noise could have came from, only a cricket from a distance.

heeseung’s silohette comes from under the blossom tree and he holds back a laugh from the look on her face. the terror she displayed was amusing but giving her the reaction of anything near positive wasn’t something he would be able to do.

her shoulder’s drop, realizing that it wasn’t a secret asssassin that her brothers have scared her into believing her entire life and she immediately stands up to defend her spot being there first.

“you’re not supposed to be here,”

she wasn’t supposed to be speaking to him at all he says inside his head before he rolling his eyes and swatting his hand, ushering her to stop talking as he took a seat on a bench near the pond.

heeseung seemed unbothered by the encounter, getting lost in thought as he already had his pile of problems. the daughter of his family’s enemies were the least of his concerns, and if he had a bit more energy in him he would’ve just walked away and found his other usual spot. but with being around his family where looks and status mattered the most, things that meant absolutely nothing to him, the life was drained from his face and his eyes were as somber as ever. he rarely left his parent’s side at occasions like these and to spot him all alone, away from the crowd was a sight to see.

with no verbal response from heeseung, staring at him for a few minutes still in that same spot she grounded her feet in, she shakes her head before quietly leaving.

as the months passed and more gatherings were hosted by the king, heeseung and her formed a mutual respect where both would leave each other alone in the queen’s garden. there was perhaps a silent bond between the two where an escape from family matters meant a moment of tranquility. to her knowledge, none of this was against the rules as there was no form of contact. she tossed and turned and lost more sleep than usual as she meddled with this inner conflict. even though there was no acknowledgment let alone talking going on, the mere respect of one another’s space was still uncomfortable.

on a cold december the week before the winter ceremony, she set off into the village to gather gifts to bring for the king’s staff. giving back her thanks and appreciation to those who worked below the royals and nobles was something her parents wanted no involvement in as charity was highly frowned upon in such a high-class family. the constant clashing with her and her family’s beliefs forced her to sneak behind their back for lots of reasons, and buying gifts from the townspeople was certainly one of them.

with the lower half of her face covered with a small scarf, she purchases small items and fruit as gifts. bracelets that brought good luck and promised safety for the new year was one of her favorites to purchase, as she believed everyone deserved a bit of good fortune, rich or poor. as she made her way to the next stall of goods, smiling behind the thin cloth, she hears a roar of screams at a distance behind her. dropping the bracelet that was in her head like a knee jerk reaction, her eyes squint at a distance to make out where such screams could be coming from. there was never any trouble in the village this way, and it could have possibly been neighborhood kids fooling around on this busy day. but the blood rushing to her ears and the hair standing on her arms told the true horror of those screams, as they were far from screams of amusement.

bodies upon bodies come running in her direction, with civilians collapsing on one another, mothers grabbing their children and tripping, and elderly getting pushed and trampled on, all trying to make their way from the gathering of black horses ridden by men covered in masks with swords the length of their statures.

her breath hitches as she finally catches sight of the slaughter, feet barely picking up to run backward before her arm is grabbed and pulled away from the direction everyone was trying to get to.

the burning in her lungs feels like a blade to the chest, cold icy wind smacking her and she’s almost choking on the fabric that was meant to hide her appearance. they had been running for a few minutes and her adrenaline was wearing off, causing her to abruptly stop at one of the trees.

“w-what are you doing and where are we going we have to go back to help them-” she pants and heeseung comes to a halt, letting out a grunt of frustration as he catches his own breath and scans their surroundings. the forest was eerily quiet apart from the terror that was becoming distant from fleeing.

he towers over her, only a drip of sweat is spotted on his forehead as the winter air blows against them both. beginning to open his mouth before closing it again, he shakes his head and pulls her to run further along.

the terrain is rough beneath her feet and she thinks she might fall face flat if not for him dragging her up every time she almost slightly trips. there was a ringing she could hear that she couldn’t quite comprehend. whether it was the gushes of wind slicing past her ear or the thought processes firing from the sheer amount of horror she witnessed back there, her legs ripped from the constant spriting and she thought she could give it all up right there and then.

within another half mile, the two made it to the edge of the forest where she could slightly make out the massive palace they were both all too used to. what intrigues her is how he managed to navigate his way to the palace, as there was never a path on government-made maps that took you directly to the king’s square from that village. what troubled her more was why anyone would go through the forest for any form of shortcut, as her parents always warned her to stay on the carved-out paths.

at the gates, she has a widespread view of government officials and kingdom servants chaotically running around. shouting between one another when the king’s square was renowned for its charm and grandiosity, signaled that the recent mass killing in the village has caused disaster in the land.

heeseung pulls her along to sneak inside the palace, making their way into hallways located in a wing that she had never even heard of. ducking behind corners and statue monuments, he dragged her into a room at the end of the hall once the coast was clear. with the shutting of the door, the room turned almost black with just a bit of light left from the setting sun in the dark of winter, glimpsing through the one small window.

he finally catches his breath as his back presses against the wall and it is the only thing you can hear.

you stood there in silence, near impatience as your mind was trying to catch you up on what had just happened in the last hour. his firm grip on your wrist left a mark and you were sure that if you weren’t to rest soon your legs would give out.

tears threatened to prick your eyes as you recall the sounds and sight of men slashing bodies in two. in all your years of living here, there was never any violence or disruption. the land lived in peace since you were born and your entire life was at worst, glares from the other families. to see innocent civilians being murdered by masked men made your vision blurry and black, worrying for your own loved ones and at a complete lost as to where they are now.

you glanced over at heeseung and saw that he was troubled himself. his gaze was to the floor and he held in his terror well because if you hadn’t known what had happened you would’ve assumed he was just having his typical somber thoughts in the queen’s garden.

clearing your throat, you spoke up to finally break the silence.

“b-back there, what happened in the village, w-what happened back there and what was that? and why did you bring me here- and wh- what happens-“ you stopped when his eyes met yours and threw his head back against the wall, closing his eyes to take a deep inhale before opening them again.

“i don’t know.” he simply says, and it was the first time he’s ever spoken to you, you realize. and your face heats up in realization as you turn away to feign innocence from the bizarreness of it all. from the months of sharing spaces in the garden you never held a conversation let alone exchange any words with him.

you turn back to look at him and stop yourself from questioning anymore, as it seemed like the entire kingdom didn’t know either. you needed answers he probably didn’t have right now, like where your family was and where those men on horses came from. the land was surrounded by ocean and horses were only imported for the wealthy, having a horse for transportation was such a rarity that a storm of them coming into the middle of a village made no sense.

after a few quiet minutes and suddenly noticing the tapping of his foot on the floor, you realized how being alone in a room with one of your supposed sworn enemies was not a good look, and if anyone were to walk in and report to your family a massive shouting from your father was bound to happen. then again, was a scandal such as this any news as to what was going on out there? from the uproar in the front of the palace, there were surely no guards around checking in on rooms to hopefully catch someone who wasn’t supposed to be together. your face reddens at the idea of being caught and you almost wanna hide under the pillow as the scandalous nature of it all hits you. you had never been alone with a boy, let alone a boy from a family you were condemned to speak to. heeseung notices your fluster and shifts his gait to his other feet, clearing his throat to speak.

“i brought you here because if the men came from the southern part of town, it was dangerous to go back to our homes. the kingdom here is the most northern part and the only sanctuary we can stay in without endangering others. your head on a stick probably costs a thousand family’s lifetime savings and mine, even more. this is where we will stay for now-“

“but what about my family?” you let out, standing up in disbelief at the sudden hint of the southern part of the city being invaded. what could’ve possibly happened to mother, father, all your older siblings? you had no way of reaching out to them and this horrifies you into trying to leave the room before heeseung pulls back that same wrist he dragged you across the forest in. his grip is harsh around the tender joint’s and you pry his hands off with your other.

“you are not leaving. there is nothing you can do for yourself or for your family but wait. don’t jeopardize something when the best thing right now is to wait for the king’s orders.” he speaks harshly.

you ignore his comment and go for the door again which he shuts close. he was irritating in every way, how he handled you like you were someone he was close to, dragging you across the forest and forcing you to be here without a good enough explanation. giving you advice and suggestions as if either of you had the slightest clue what was going on. but despite his obnoxiousness he made a fair point, and storming out of the room would leave you standing outside the palace not knowing where to go next.

“trust me on this. and be thankful that i’m putting my differences aside to save your damn life right now-“

“i never asked for saving.” you interrupted him and stormed back into the bed, ending anymore kind of speaking between you two.

as morning peaks through the window you sit awake in the clothes from the previous day, hair still pulled up together with the pin in your hair. the tension at your scalp makes your head feel inflamed and you long for a hot bath in the coziness of your home bathroom. picking out the pin, your hair falls to your shoulders, and heeseung walks in the room with his clothes slightly undone, to which you assume he fell asleep on that small seating area across the bed.

once realizing you were well awake he strides to the end of your bed, giving you a scroll that he kept in his pocket.

“messages from the king that i collected from some of the officials this morning. everything out there is like hell.”

you blink at his words and note the frustration in his face, and the dark circles under his eyes. he let’s out a tired breath and runs his hand along his hair.

“the war from all those years ago when we were just children, the beginning of the war is rising again.” all of the blood that filled the veins in your face drained into a cold paleness. an unprecedented attack was surely not enough to dictate the beginning of war was it? were you too naive to see the struggles of the real world? was staying cooped in your family’s palace for years to shield you from the reality of all the nations?

“the kingdom is at risk of falling, and all the noble families are panicking. the king demands for all of them to gather here indefinitely.”

you read the words over and over on the scroll, in disbelief at how drastically everything changed in just a day. how people who hate each other can stand being in the same place all at once. would the darkness of war pressure these nobilities to hold each other’s hands and collaborate? will forceful teamwork end up breaking us apart even further?

“our families are here, and i’m sure they are expecting to see you soon. i would wash up and be on the way to them before another chaos uproars.”

to that, you nod and he makes his way out again, most likely going to his own family and you’re sure this is the last you guys will speak ever again. the first and last conversation with heeseung, was only for survival means. you can’t help but wonder where you would be right now if he wasn’t in the village at the same time as you. you can’t help but ponder if you would even be here at all. the thought of ever being in debt to someone you should have no ties with haunts you for the rest of the day, and you don’t notice the darkness of the night until you up in the middle of it.

the days ahead drag on as you are left in the dark while your family is in meetings from morning till sunrise, only making small talk with you and reminding you of your meals. the guest rooms assigned to each family are the size of a closet at everyone’s place back at their own home.

the loneliness you felt all your life creeps up again as you are isolated from the true horror outside these palace walls. for a few days, you were distracted by worry and what the plans are ahead, but with your family keeping you away from all these political endeavors you are left with the haunting feeling of isolation that you can’t even process it all in your own home. privacy was no longer a thing as you shared a room with your parents and siblings.

what terrifies you is how even in panic and confusion those few days ago, it felt better knowing anything, horrifying as it was, than nothing at all.

your hopes of this ending anytime soon are low, as the history you have been taught made you understand just how long the build-up of war is. being lectured on it was never enough to put the fear right in your body. seeing it for what it was in the flesh made you understand.

you spend the following weeks sneaking off into the room where you were first brought to, as you come to understand that no one stayed there and you wonder why. your mind started to question how he even knew of this place. for you to have absolutely no idea this wing even existed was telling, but for him to know of such a specific spot in this hidden area was another.

the idea of a promising noble son like him sneaking off into rooms that no others knew of made your face heat up and you cursed yourself at the thought of something like that. it wasn’t like you were being perverted, why else would anyone our age know about hidden rooms and corners? even though you weren’t supposed to, you read your fair share of entertainment from the restricted section of your family’s library. you were far from completely naive, and it was the only explanation that made sense. and that is exactly why and only why you would ever think of heeseung and private places in the same thought.

as the hours fly by, staring at the ceiling you don’t even notice the door open as heeseung storms inside, in pure anger from what it looks like, until he leans over the windowsill trying to catch his breath. his behavior takes you by surprise, having to hide your gasp behind your hand as he stands there fuming. the grip from his knuckles white and his chest rose up and down quickly. from all these months of noticing him, he has never worn an expression other than somber boredom, as if he was thinking about the answers to the universe’s questions all melancholicly. you couldn’t lie and wonder what he had to think about all the time, given that he had everything he could’ve ever asked for. the wealth, family, looks, pride, glory, whatever it is you could ever dream of he had. whatever hard time he was going through, you can’t imagine it being anything more complex than what kind of shoes he wants for the weekend.

as you sit there silently, your face reddens as you realize that you’ve been in the dark, the chances of you being there may have gone unnoticed by him. you clear your throat to which he softly startles and turns to your silhouette on that bed. he blinks rapidly, a feign glimpse of irritation fills his expression before he looks back at the window.

“what are you doing here?” he asks with an annoyed voice. you roll your eyes at his harshness and bite back an insult. teaching him a lesson about some manners would suit him right.

“i could ask you the same thing,” you bite back, hoping that would shut him up and leave you alone.

“i’m the one who showed you this room in the first place, and you’re asking me?”

your ears heat up and you quickly snap back at him.

“i found the garden first and yet i never gave you a hard time-“

he runs his hand through his hair and grunts in an irritating manner, before sitting down on the couch beside the window and getting lost in thought again.

his refusal to get into a superficial argument with you made you realize that perhaps you could’ve just answered him to his curiosity. your presence may have been unexpected as he did tell you about your family returning after all. maybe it was a bit rude of you to try bickering with him as he was evidently going through a rough time, god knows what it is, seeing as he’s always having a rough time. but perhaps this was a sign for you to step it back a bit and have some compassion, even if you weren’t supposed to like him, your heart wasn’t comfortable treating him as if he didn’t have feelings either.

even after you bumped heads with heeseung in the room, it didn’t stop you from coming, and it seems like it didn’t stop him either. it was like you both needed an escape. this was sort of like the queen’s garden, this is exactly what it was. you spent enough time there to know he treasured his dramatic thinking sessions just as much as you needed your alone time. but whatever his reasons were didn’t matter to you anyway, his business wasn’t yours and even keeping note of something like this made you shake your head and calm the heat from your face.

you couldn’t disregard how much you two have encountered one another these past few months, from the silent sitting in the garden together to this, and how you have grown to hate him less than you originally did. or maybe you still hate him and his existence was something you will have to tolerate if you wanted some peace for yourself. that peace being a room with four walls.

the painful realization of how much you were trying to rationalize being okay with his presence made you feel like you were reaching into danger territory, and that staying inside these walls for weeks was probably regressing your mental stability more than you thought. thinking about heeseung in any way was inappropriate, he was a stranger at best. he was a rival, an enemy, someone you aren’t supposed to speak to or have relations with. you didn’t speak to him much, so you were in a safe spot. you made note of this, you reassured yourself that whatever this was, was fine.

it makes you self-conscious, and over the next couple of days you’re hyper-aware of his presence in the room even if he is just simply sitting there sulking in his thoughts. your eyes sometimes glance over at him and you blame it on the boredom of this palace with absolutely nothing to do but ponder your relationships with your once sworn enemies.

you think he realizes the difference in behavior as he sometimes raises his brows when he makes eye contact with you in the room and your gaze quickly shifts somewhere else, pretending you weren’t looking in his direction at all.

you grow to spend your nights in that room too, sometimes falling asleep on the bed and waking up to see him still sleeping on that long couch. he was like a roommate almost, if this is even considered a decent living corridor. it had a full bathroom and a wardrobe. it was about the same size as your family’s current guest room. your excuse for staying here is that it’s a bigger space to stay, because what’s worse than having to share a room with your entire family? surely not heeseung? you ask yourself this question and get red when you realize your answer.

he sometimes brought you breakfast, almost every day now. you tell yourself that it had nothing to do with kindness and hospitality but something along the lines of duty, like not letting people starve. he only didn’t bring food when he had his eldest son duties and he didn’t show up at all that day. you started keeping track of when he showed up. wednesdays, fridays, saturdays, and sundays. and it was the end of thursday, and he was surely to show up tomorrow. of course the most you were looking forward to was the breakfast that would be laid out on the table, that was exactly why.

you made small talk, asking him for updates on what was going on and he insisted you shouldn’t know and to let everyone else handle it. maybe it was to keep yourself safe in this lonely room, away from the stress of the world. but you wanted to know more, and you insisted on it.

heeseung slowly told you bits and pieces here and there, but more surprisingly he grew to open up about his frustration, his stress. it first started with small complaints of “i just want this over with” to gradually telling you about his struggles with assisting the officials about the war. plans for civilian housing, emergency evacuation, things that you wouldn’t even want to dream about. he talks about how much he’s trying to hold it together, and how hard it’s weighing on him.

a small part of you can’t help but feel for him, in a way you have never before. that he’s just someone who’s your age with much higher stakes and responsibilities. and even if he was used to this his whole life, surely it breaks you at some point. you wonder why he was choosing to open up with you about it.

in return, you talk about how difficult it is to deal with such a strict family. and you two begin to bond over the shared struggle, finding out how much you relate to one another in that regard. ranting about your family values and beliefs was something you had never done before. arguing with them about it hardly counted as a conversation, so to be open about a topic like this was quite foreign. it’s a strange feeling to connect with someone you barely paid attention to your entire life, to realize how close in nature you are with heeseung. but it also made you wary of how much information was too much.

on a cold friday evening, in the middle of you and heeseung talking to each other across the room about the usual nobility rantings, you both hear footsteps coming towards the room. in all your weeks there, never had you heard anyone roam around these hallways as it was such a private part of the palace you were sure no one went here.

immediately you both run to hide inside the small bathroom, shutting the door close right when the room to the door opened. footsteps enter and you thank yourself for tidying the place and bed in the afternoon. nothing appeared on the table next to the couch where you were just sitting, and even if there was a few objects out of place it couldn’t have been enough for anyone to recognize how occupied the room had been.

you can’t make out exactly what they’re saying, faintly something along the lines of how this room isn’t made for family guest rooms and it once belonged to the queen’s closest guests, and entrance without invitation was forbidden. you wonder if heeseung was granted access to this room because of his family’s close ties with the king and queen, and you’re sure this was exactly why. in moments like these it hits you just how much the royals favored his family, which came as a surprise to you as your father had been fighting for a rank besides the king his entire life.

you become impatient with how long it takes for them to argue on the restrictiveness of the room, and you finally hear heeseung’s soft breathing right beside your ear. having focused on what was being said on the opposite side of the door, you didn’t realize how close he was. how his face was a few inches from yours, how you could feel his inhale and exhale.

with the flush in your face, you’re thankful the two of you are standing in pitch-black darkness, only light coming from under the small gap in the door. your face is almost touching his chest as he presses his hands against the door to keep it shut, trapping you in between. trying to to force your head back away from him, you gently meet the door and cringe at the small sound it may have made.

with how quickly you two rushed to the bathroom you don’t think the idea of how close you two were together caught up with either of you until the minutes became too long. and now that you realize the proximity you almost don’t know what to do with yourself. you’re sure he doesn’t realize it either, given how he remains there, still focused on trying to hear what was being said out there. whatever they were talking about left your mind the second you realized his presence. you count down the seconds to get out of here, embarrassed at how he could remain at such a distance, cursing yourself for not just standing at the other side of the bathroom.

once the room was finally quiet after the door on the outside opened and close, he finally backs up and opens the door, allowing you to process what had just happened. to process the feel of his breath faintly touching the tip of your ear.

heeseung doesn’t come for a few days, not the wednesday, friday or saturday. and it throws you off routine as those days were usually meant for long conversations with him, and breakfast of course.

you think back to the bathroom incident and question if that made him realize how dangerously close you two were getting. the close meaning of sharing small talk about noble families and simply residing in the same guest room together. it was hardly close, and he would be utterly dramatic for stopping all relations with you if this was the reason why for his strange disappearance. although, with what happened in the bathroom, you wonder if he pondered it over too. how he stood right there, not very far from you in the dark where no one else would’ve saw.

it was sunday evening and he came in through the door to which you were not expecting, sporting a black eye and what seemed like a small cut along his cheek. you gasped in horror and he shakes his head to get you to back off with any questions. since when was it appropriate for any child of a high-regarded nobleman to be seen walking around with cuts and bruises? does he have any idea what kind of reputation could form from looking like a street fighter?

you sit there fighting the urge not to do anything as none of this was your business. he may have taken up some fighting lessons on his own maybe and got hit by a forest tree. that made the most sense to you. because heeseung is not suposed to be fighting anyone. your teacher taught you the basics of wound cleaning and dressing, and you recall the kind of treatment needed for the skin on one’s face. he stands there at the windowsill like he always does, gazing out into the night sky as if it was any more interesting by the day.

you sit up and move close to him to see the damage and he doesn’t acknowledge your presence.

“what happened to your eye? and your cheek- it’s bleeding,” you ask gently as possible, a bit of your voice trembling.

he doesn’t answer and you walk into the bathroom to gather some supplies that were stored in one of the drawers. maybe he’ll see how you’re trying to help and take you seriously. enemies or not, being people under the same king meant you were to assist with anyone who was harmed.

he shakes his head again as you bring everything to the table and sit on the couch, waiting for a few minutes in hopes of him finally sitting down. a hundred questions race through your mind. who could do this to one of the most sought out sons within all these noble families? was it an outsider? was it his own? it was no wonder his absence this past week made you feel a bit anxious. there was something wrong.

you urge him to lay down, sitting up from the couch so he has room. he doesn’t move, still staring out there, grip as tight as ever.

you lay out a small bandage, a bowl with warm water, and a towel for him if he decides to use it. embarrassment floods your face at trying to initiate such a gesture, and you quickly put away the rest of the supplies. perhaps you had overstepped a boundary, and you were the last thing he needed to see.

by the time you hit the bed and try to sleep, he had still not moved an inch.

you wake up to an empty room, the supplies from last night still laid out on the table but there was also that tray of breakfast you had been missing all week. you hoped he was okay because seeing civilians hurt and bruised would never be something you could ever get used to. supposed enemy or not.

he doesn’t come for a couple of weeks, and you only see him in passing, him looking more worn down than ever. he never meets your gaze either, and you wonder if the connection you thought you two had was something you made up in your head. that in a world where you know nothing about friendship and relationships outside of your family, that what you two shared was nothing to be hopeful for.

you still sleep in that room every night, better than sharing it with your family who have only grown more agitated. being with them meant another headache and the quietness of this private room was your own personal safety net.

everything was going to be okay, there was always a solution to problems, any problem would be met with an answer, and that worrying did nothing. hoping and moping around did nothing. you counted the paint marks on the ceiling, and the walls, you tapped your finger to count the seconds, you did anything to keep yourself occupied.

your thoughts wondered to him, seeing the small wound that was now scabbed on his face. you were sure you could have healed it days ago if he had let you, but maybe it was better this way, not being acknowledged at all. he can care for his own self, you were nothing to him.

heeseung walks in that night with a cut lip and a bruised body, his clothes having slash marks with stains of dry blood and you’re horrified once again. to no surprise, he’s standing at the windowsill only this time his eyes were no longer to the window. his head hung forward, gaze steady on the floor. the tiredness seemed gruesome, the usual straight posture he had was not weak and wimp.

you analyzed all the wounds you could see at a distance from the bed. his face was worse than last time and whatever happened to his body made your fingers tremble. staying focused and alert was harder for you this time than last, given the severity of it. maybe he was training, this had to be it. but why would someone like him have to go through military training? none of it made any sense.

for a few minutes, you debate on whether you should try again. know your place, you must know your place. help him, he’s hurting. he doesn’t need your help. his wounds are bleeding.

he interrupts your thoughts by weakly limping to the couch, his hands reaching for the seat to steady himself down. there’s a grimace from him you hadn’t seen before. the blood seeping through the fabric looked old and dirty and you had to fight everything in you not to go up to him and insist once again. you pick at your fingers, anxious on what to do. who can rest when a panting hurting man is on the couch across from them.

“take your clothes off.” you tell him before you can stop yourself, and his eyes that were set on the floor looks up at you in a perplexed manner.

you redden at the double meaning of your words and shook your head in apology. turning your head into your shoulders slightly at how incredibly thoughtless saying that was.

“i’m sorry, i- i meant to take it off because the blood is dry and the wound is old, and keeping that fabric on it will increase the risk of infection. i encourage you to go to the bathroom and clean it up yourself.” you quickly let out all in one breath and he doesn’t move at all.

after an hour or so of you beating yourself up for that awful slip up and even speaking up at all, he walks weakly to the bathroom, spending a very long time in there to which you start to worry.

he appears from the bathroom right when you’re about to sit up and he makes his way back to the couch, his clothes unbuttoned and his cuts opened. you hiss at how it looks and scrunch your face imagining the pain. you try to ignore everything else that is exposed, only trying to look at the wounds.

heeseung decides to lay down this time, head resting on the hard couch pillow, finally laying flat on his back. he gently groans as the couch fabric hits his back and you almost can’t take it anymore. sleep shortly finds him and it is the first time you have seen him asleep before you.

his wounds look bad, really bad. and if you don’t do something you may regret it. there was no way he’d accept your help now, after not speaking for weeks. why did he even come here at all then if he knew you would be here? maybe he was trying to get you to leave this room by keeping it completely abandoned and only coming back after he waited it out. you finally accept that if he wasn’t going to be okay with your help you would do him a slight favor anyway and hope you never have to speak to him again. like a silent healer who snuck into infirmaries for the sick.

you rush to the bathroom, pulling the supplies you once did and move slowly back to the table. your movements are soft, trying not to make a sound as you lay out the cloth pieces and herbs. one herb for each wound, and one piece of fabric as well. you count the pieces to assure everything was correct, and then wet the small towel inside the bowl.

when you turn to him to clean his wounds, you gasp as his eyes are slightly open, fluttering open and shut.

“you- you’re awake? i’m sorry i was just trying to-“ you start trying to explain but his eyes are closed once again.

he didn’t seem to stop you when he saw what you were doing, for who knows how long. silence didn’t mean yes, but you can’t take no for an answer right now anyway, and you gently tend to the wounds on his upper body and arms. it takes a long time, about an hour almost. being as detail-oriented as you were, everything had to be done with precision. not being able to reach his back, you lay out the extra supplies for him if he chooses to use them.

helping him was strange, in the sense that you never really had to help anyone this way at all. being taught the basics of wound care dind’t mean you ever got to apply it. this was all academics, bragging rights, and merit. stuff your teacher taught you as a life skill. to be useful in this way was unfamiliar, but a sense of duty fulfills you. perhaps you did have a purpose in this war, a purpose if at all. you could be a daughter locked away for your parents to control, or you could be a valuable asset to a terrible time where lives are lost and injured left and right. you cared for his wounds because this is something you are innately born to do, to help and assist the sick and the ill. this was the explanation you chose for yourself while working on heeseung, this was what you were to believe.

as you check through every bandage one last time, his eyes open slowly again, blinking open a few times.

you still yourself, your right hand still touching the bandage near his chest. it felt childish to act like you were caught doing something like your mom seeing you sneaking in a sweet to your room. you freeze anyway, hoping he would fall asleep again. please just fall asleep again, rest yourself heeseung.

he doesn’t close his eyes for what felt like minutes when it was really only 10 seconds. he lets out a soft breath, closing his eyes as if he were squirming, opening them again. you look down at his chest and stomach area and see the medicine seeping through the bandages, most likely hitting his flesh now. his gaze is still on you, and his hands are about to reach up to his chest where your hands are, to which you assumed he was trying to slap your fingers away.

before he can make it to your hand, his wrist collapses weakly at his side, fingers twitching from the pain of the cut down his sleeve and your first instinct is to reach out to make sure he was okay, to reach for his hand and assess it in your own.

maybe it was the caring nature in you that goes out of your way to help any creature in pain but a small part of you brushed away the idea that perhaps there was the beginning of a subconscious care you had for him.

whatever it was, there was no time to dissect complex feelings when it seemed like everyone around you was reaching a breaking point, mentally or physically. and with the rate of which everyone was going down one by one, the question of whether this war will end soon or has just begun haunts you.

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