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jungwooforever · 2 years

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God reached down and touched @t3ddykun during the writing of this.

𝐟𝐨𝐜𝐮𝐬

pairing: nakamoto yuta x reader

genre: idol au, smut (minors dni)

warnings: language, sexual content (bondage, rimming, handjob, overstim, unprotected sex)

wc: 2.4k

a/n: this is honestly pretty tame considering the warnings, but i wanted to do something special for kinktober (and because yuta in LA made everyone lose their minds). yes, this is based on that clip of him during focus at neo city. enjoy!

another a/n: tumblr keeps effing up the format of this, so if the beginning paragraphs seem out of order, just know that i did not copy and paste it that way T-T i'm trying to fix it, but if it doesn't work, i'll just repost i guess.

You had surprised everyone by flying out to LA last minute, and Yuta was extremely grateful for that. He barely got to spend any time with you before he and the guys had to leave for America, and he had sadly accepted that he wouldn’t get to until he got back. Your work schedule prevented you from joining them on their short American tour, and you had told Yuta that you would just call him before every show.

When you FaceTimed him from outside the arena where NCT 127’s LA concert was being held, he thought you were just playing some cruel prank. That is, until he had you in his arms backstage, showering your face with kisses before the stage manager had to drag him away to finish getting ready.

A couple hours later, you were sitting among thousands of screaming fans waiting to enjoy NCT 127’s one-night-only Los Angeles concert. The guys put on an incredible show, to say the least. Every performance was perfect and energetic, and their stage presence was amazing as usual. But a few songs in particular made Yuta do some things that caught your eye and made your jaw (and nearly your panties) drop.

Focus was one of those songs. As with every one of the show’s more sensual stages, Yuta teased the crowd with his erotic movements and facial expressions, basking in how they would scream and cry out with every bite of his lip and swirl of his hips. The raw, sexual energy he displayed on stage was enough to excite everyone in the arena, and you were no exception. Yuta knew your eyes were on him the entire time, and he loved it, deciding to play up his performance a bit just for you. When he met your gaze the few times he danced right in front of you, he saw the hungry look on your face that you usually tried to hide from him. And fuck, was it sexy.

Yuta’s post-concert adrenaline rush was no joke, and by the end of the show he was so riled up that he couldn’t wait until he got back to his room, when he would have you all to himself for one night before you had to fly back home.

Once you both were settled into your hotel room after having dinner with the guys and their managers, Yuta couldn’t keep his hands off of you. You had to beg him to let you shower alone, promising that you would let him join you for one later. He seemed much needier than he did earlier, and you supposed it was due to the fact that you were finally alone together and he wanted all of your attention, which you were completely willing to give him.

“The show was amazing, Yuta,” you said softly, letting him pull you closer to him from where you sat on the massive bed in the hotel suite you two would share for the night. Upon hearing about your arrival in Los Angeles, Yuta immediately upgraded your room so that your one night together would be as special as possible. Since you had dropped everything to come see him, the least he could do was make it worth your while.

“I’m glad you liked it,” Yuta said, dipping his head down to press his lips to your shoulder, “I was dancing up there for you, you know.”

“Oh really?”

“Of course. I saw the way you looked at me, by the way. It was fucking hot,” he mumbled while leaving wet kisses along your collarbones. You whimpered at the feeling of his hands and lips on your skin, sensitive to his touch. Yuta was well aware of this and how much he could tease you with his gentle touches and words alone.

Yuta also knew that look on your face when he pulled away, like you wanted to devour him, and he was more than willing to let you. In fact, he wanted you to. He pulled you into his lap, running his hands up your thighs and leaving soft kisses along your chest and shoulders. Before you could thread your fingers through his hair, he took your hand and brought it to his lips, kissing your palm before slowly dragging your hand to his throat. You knew exactly what his silent request meant and you immediately took the bait, much to his delight.

His lips curled into a smile as you squeezed lightly, fingers digging into the soft flesh of his neck. He loved coaxing this side of you out almost as much as you loved having him a needy mess.

“Harder, angel. You know you won’t hurt me,” he said while holding your hand in place with a firm grip on your wrist.

You obliged, dipping your head down to kiss his jaw as you tightened your hold his neck, squeezing the sides so you wouldn’t actually choke him.

“That’s it, pretty girl,” Yuta praised when you dug your fingers in deeper and rolled your hips against his growing erection.

When he parted his lips and threw his head back in pleasure, you tilted his face towards yours and kissed him hard until his perfect lips were all pink and swollen. Licking into his eager mouth, you moaned as he sucked on your tongue while you snaked your hand between your bodies to feel him through his shorts.

“Baby…” Yuta groaned, removing his hands from your hips to reach under the pillow that was next to him. He fumbled around for a second until he found what he had placed there while you were in the shower— a silk black tie.

You smiled, rubbing the soft material between your fingers. So that’s why he wanted to stop at the clothing store on the way back to the hotel. Of course he didn’t actually forget to pack sleeping shorts…

“Since I know how much you like to see me tied up,” he said, taking off his shirt and holding up his wrists with a mischievous gleam in his lust-filled eyes.

“You sure planned this out, didn’t you,” you teased, kissing his wrists before getting on your knees to tie them together above his head.

“Well, the way you were looking at me on stage like you wanted to eat me kind of gave away how tonight was gonna go,” he chuckled, gaze shifting down to your chest that was inches away from his face.

“You were such a tease up there, Yuta,” you said, tugging on the tie to make sure it wasn’t too loose. “It’s only fair that you get a taste of your own medicine.”

“First, I want a taste of you,” your boyfriend looked up at you through his eyelashes as he flicked your nipple through your thin black lingerie with his tongue, making you sigh and arch your back into him. You pushed the strap down your shoulder so he could suck and lick your chest to his heart’s desire.

“Fuck, Yuta,” you sighed while looking down at how he desperately tasted every inch of exposed skin he could reach, coating your chest with love bites and wet kisses.

“Missed this so much,” he moaned, bucking his hips up when you tugged on his soft, blonde hair. As much as Yuta loved being in control, he couldn’t deny how insanely hot it was when you took the reins. The weight of you on top of him and the familiar, intoxicating scent of your perfume made his brain feel foggy, his senses completely overwhelmed by you. All it took was a few more harsh tugs on his hair and your breathy moans in his ear for him to become putty in your hands, ready for you to do whatever you wanted to him.

His arms tensed when you pulled away from his mouth and crawled out of his lap so you could pull his shorts down his thighs. You watched with hungry eyes as he lifted his hips up, the muscles of his toned stomach flexing beneath your touch. Yuta’s body was something to behold, and you couldn’t help but drink in the sight of his glittering navel piercing and the intricate tattoos that decorated his skin, begging to be worshiped with your hands and mouth.

God, he’s fucking beautiful, you thought as you ran your finger over the butterfly on his hip before dipping your head down and following the light touches with your lips. You left a trail of kisses down his torso to the waistband of his boxers, mouthing over his semi-hard erection.

Yuta cursed when you finally removed the last of his clothing, settling yourself between his thighs and taking his cock in your hand. Watching the way his hips twitched under you, you licked a slow stripe up the shaft before wrapping your wet lips around the tip, eliciting a breathy moan from the gorgeous man beneath you.

You sucked and swirled your tongue around him while pumping his shaft until your drool was dripping down your fingers. Meanwhile, Yuta was trying his best not to thrust into your mouth, but it was getting harder and harder, especially when your free hand began massaging his balls. Your mouth followed, licking and sucking them while continuing to stroke his cock.

“Feels so good, baby,” Yuta mumbled, spreading his legs a little wider when your hand that was massaging him drifted lower.

You let a pearl of spit fall from your lips, your thumb spreading it around his entrance lightly in small circles. Yuta rolled his hips up and groaned when you pulled your hand away and looked up at him.

“Can I touch you here?” you asked, resting your head on his thigh as your fingers ghosted over where your thumb was.

“Please…” he breathed, tugging at the restraint that kept him from reaching down and leading your mouth to where he wanted it most.

Yuta knew he wasn’t going to last much longer when you finally swirled your warm, wet tongue around his entrance. You kept a steady rhythm, pumping him with one hand while the other kept him spread open so you could continue to eat him out.

The stimulation made his eyes roll back in pleasure, his abdomen tightening as he fought back the urge to cum. You both moaned when you began to shallowly dip your tongue into his hole, gently at first before going all in.

“Fuck, Y/N,” Yuta groaned, his muscles tightening as he came all over his lower stomach. His orgasm seemed to last forever as you continued to fuck him with your fist and tongue until the overstimulation caused him to recoil away from you.

“You okay?” you asked, wiping your spit from your lips as you made your way back up his body to untie him.

His black painted fingernails dug into his palms with how tight his fists were, and you immediately began to massage his wrists and hands to help him relax.

You kissed his lips gently when he nodded, releasing his hands to hold onto his shoulders as you rocked yourself in his lap. You removed your underwear before situating yourself on top of him again, the wetness between your thighs mixing with his cum to help you slide over his cock.

“Need you to fuck me, baby,” Yuta moaned into your ear, sending another wave of arousal through your body and causing your movements to speed up.

He was already hard again by the time you lifted yourself up to guide him inside you, his hands grabbing your hips and guiding you up and down as soon as you adjusted to his size. You shifted in his lap so that he repeatedly hit that spot that made you clench around him so hard he had to slow down so he wouldn’t cum so soon. You looked so perfect above him, hands squeezing your chest as you bounced on his cock while pretty moans spilled from your lips. He wanted to take a picture or maybe a video of you like this, something he could watch on nights that you were thousands of miles away from him and he was missing you like crazy. For now though, he’ll savor every second of having you here in the flesh, your tight walls squeezing him so perfectly that he felt like he was seeing stars.

Yuta brought his hands between your legs to rub your clit, noticing how your thighs began to shake. He used his free hand to hold you in place while he thrusted his hips up to meet yours, and it only took about thirty more seconds for you to reach your high, fucking him through your orgasm.

I don’t need a video, he thought, watching you slowly lift your hips only to drop down again, the feeling of his cock dragging along your sensitive walls making you throw your head back in pleasure. There’s no way he could ever forget how beautiful you looked right then, with his cock disappearing inside you over and over again as you brought him to his second orgasm of the night.

Yuta gripped your hips harshly as he thrust into you hard and fast before burying himself as deep as he could inside of you, squeezing his eyes shut as he came. He held you close when you collapsed into his arms, your chest rising and falling against his. His fingers traced your spine as you tried to control your breathing, completely and utterly spent after fucking Yuta past your limit. He gently lifted you off him, laying you down on your back and crawling to kneel between your legs to watch his cum ooze out of you. You whimpered when he collected some of it on his fingers before pushing it back inside, knowing that you would object to him eating it out of you because of your oversensitivity.

That’s okay, he thought while looking down at the mess you both made, the spit and cum coating your bodies resembling a Jackson Pollock painting. I’ll just do that in the shower.

“I know what you’re thinking, and I’ll just say that you’re gonna have to carry me into the shower,” you said, bringing Yuta’s hands up so he would massage your thighs. “I don’t think I’ll be able to walk until tomorrow.”

He chuckled, moving up to kiss your pouty lips. “I would think so. You rode me like a champ, baby.”

“You deserved it,” you smiled up at your sweet and ridiculously sexy boyfriend. “Now can we please take a shower? Your cum is starting to make my thighs stick together.”

a/n: ok, i know that wasn’t the most romantic ending i’ve ever written, but it was still pretty romantic for a yuta ass eating fic. thank you so much for reading, and please feel free to leave feedback!!

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jungwooforever · 2 years

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BRUH😭💔

she gets the flowers | na jaemin

title: she gets the flowers

pairing: na jaemin x fem!oc/reader

genre: song-fic, childhood friends to fwb to lovers to exes, fluff, smut/suggestive, angst | requested and inspired by she gets the flowers by beth mccarthy

summary: the person you shared every moment of your life with could never betray you, right? That was what she thought before Jaemin proved that he could turn from her soulmate to the biggest source of her pain.

warnings: mentioned drinking and smoking underage, smut, mostly suggestive, oral sex (f receiving, a bit more explicit), angst, no cheating but still feelings of betrayal, attempted suicide (not really, but just in case)

words: 6.855k

a/n: first of all, i'm incredibly sorry this took so long but i was going crazy trying to come up with a plot because the song led me to a plot similar to traitor so that's why it took so long. But I'm happy with the result and i hope you'll like it too. warning: probably it's even sadder than my other angst fics so prepare the tissues, i guess???

There’s something beautiful in growing up together and sharing every day of your life with somebody. It’s a type of bond that nothing in the world can replicate.

That was her relationship with Jaemin. She and Jaemin had shared their entire life together. It wasn’t like they had a choice when their mothers that were best friends for ages, casually ended up pregnant at the same time and gave birth to them only two days apart. Being raised side by side even if they weren’t related was something they couldn’t escape. And without realizing it, they became such a big part of each other’s life that living without each other was hard.

They did everything together. All the dumb things you have to do at least once in your life. All their first times. All their heartbreaks, and joys. There wasn’t a single moment they didn’t share.

Despite this, they were different. Jaemin wasn’t exactly a bad boy, not like the bullies type, at least, but he was the most reckless of the two. Always getting her in trouble, while she tried hard to still be the good girl she always was.

“Jaemin, this is dumb,” she said, trying to stop him from climbing the roof of the store. That was the first time he took her there, only seventeen, the perfect age to try dumb things they couldn’t do.

“Is it?” He asked, his hand reaching for hers to help her get up.

She sighed before briefly looking around, making sure that nobody could see them and then followed him.

“You’re so damn hard to convince sometimes,” he whispered, lips puffing out as he let out the smoke of the cigarette he had stolen from his dad’s jacket, head inclined enough so he could look at her. The chill breeze of October blowing on them.

“And you’re reckless,” she huffed, resting her head on her knees, looking in front of her, they could see a small part of the neighborhood from there, and maybe it was worth the risk.

“Here,” he said, handing her a bottle of soju and she pushed his hand away. “Oh, come on, that’s not dumb.”

“You know I get drunk too easily, I will kill myself trying to climb down again.”

Jaemin chuckled, shaking his head, before turning off the cigarette and drinking the alcohol instead.

“The things I do for you,” he joked when he was done, moving closer to her, wrapping a hand around her shoulders. Her head leaned in immediately, cheeks brushing against the blue jacket he was wearing.

“That’s because you love me.”

“Yeah, I do,” he replied, leaving a peck on her forehead.

And that was so normal for them that they never truly weighted the words they said to each other. The ‘I love yous’ didn’t mean anything, just like it didn’t mean how they always held each other’s hands when they walked side by side, and always called each other for help.

It was normal, from the crib to when they went to high school and still looked at each other with the same old eyes. It was fine because they both had their own adventures, and they didn’t need each other for that.

Until something wasn’t enough anymore. Until they started to realize they couldn’t find each other in other people. That their beds were always going to be cold if at their side it wasn’t them.

They had no idea how their first kiss happened, or what exactly lead them there. After a long day at Uni, once again on that rooftop with the breeze freezing them. Hesitant lips getting closer, and shy eyes looking into each other, silently asking each other if it was worth it.

When their lips touched their questions were answered. It was. It was worth putting on a line all their years of friendships.

But they had the bad habit of never calling things with a name. That was their relationship since they were kids. It worked without trying.

But they seemed to forget they weren’t five or ten anymore. They were grown-ups. They should’ve talked, should’ve put a name on it, and set some rules. Anything to don’t end up in ashes.

But they didn’t and that kiss was followed by another. This time not so shy or full of fear. Their hands moved freely on their bodies, touching each other in ways they never imagined before. But once again it stopped there, as much as they were pulled by this force, the fear of taking a treacherous path was high.

Until things took a different turn again.

“Wasn’t expecting you here,” Jaemin said, opening the door of the apartment he shared with his friends.

“I’m so tired,” she huffed, kissing him quickly and then falling down on his couch, throwing her bag next to her. “I have two essays to turn in and I have no idea when I’ll write them.”

“Maybe you could start now,” he proposed, pointing at the books on the coffee table. “We could study together.”

“I don’t want to study,” she replied, crossing her arms on her chest.

Jaemin sat next to her, his hand caressing her cheek, making her turn around in surprise.

“I can help you though,” she stuttered, gulping, wanting to pull away from him but at the same time she just wanted to crave more at his touch. “Would never want to come between your studies.”

“We can do something funnier,” he proposed, and only then she turned around, seeing his eyes locked on her lips.

“This is another one of your dumb ideas,” she whispered.

“Is it?” He asked, same old smirk on his face that then turned into a smile that made her melt.

“We shouldn’t be doing this, you know it,” she mumbled, lying, knowing she was lying. Because she wanted it, she wanted that to happen for such a long time.

“Just this time,” he whispered, breath fanning against her lips. “Just once.”

But it hadn’t been just once.

It had happened over and over again.

“Jaemin, fuck.” The loud music was muffled in his room as the party downstairs kept going on. But her mind wasn’t there, it was focused on Jaemin’s face buried between her legs and his hands wrapped around her thighs as he ate her out while she stood against the wall. Too eager to even wait of getting on the bed or undressing her completely.

“You taste so good,” he mumbled pressed against her wet flesh, nose teasing her clit while his lips and tongue worked perfectly to bring her over the edge so soon.

“I’m close,” she breathed out, fingers intertwining in his hair, pulling hard as the orgasm made her tremble.

“Need you,” Jaemin muttered as soon as he pulled away, licking his lips before dragging her body on his bed. Their clothes were on the floor in a second and Jaemin’s hands ran all over her body.

“Quit playing and just fuck me,” she urged, hips grinding against him.

“You’re so impatient,” he groaned before leaning over the bedside table to grab a condom, ripping the wrap and rolling it down his length.

“If you didn’t tease me all night, maybe,” she said, spreading her legs more, waiting for him to slip inside her. “Shit, so good.”

Moans and whimpers got lost in the night as the party went on downstairs without their care, too busy burning into each other’s flames and lying into ashes on the bed as what was going on between them grew bigger and bigger every day.

There’s something extremely painful about one-sided love. And it only gets worst when the person that gets you weak in the knees is your best friend.

She should’ve known it was a dumb idea. She should’ve stopped it before it even started but by now it was too late. She was too deep into that. And she was once again half naked in Jaemin’s bed, getting drunk in a pleasure that wasn’t enough to water the pain any longer.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she snapped, standing up, pushing his body away, and trying to look for her clothes again.

“Did I hurt you?” He asked, grabbing his boxer just to cover himself the quicker he could and reaching her.

She sighed, slipping on herself his shirt, lifting her head up to push down the tears. “No, I… it’s my fault,” she confessed, turning around again, looking for her pants but the tears in her eyes made it impossible for her to see. And the salty drops filled her eyes even more when she felt Jaemin’s arms wrap around her.

“Hey, calm down,” he whispered, turning her around, her head falling in the crook of his neck as she let him lull her, his hands caressing her back. “It’s alright, it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” she mumbled through sobs. “I can’t keep having you like this without truly having you.”

Jaemin was surprised by her words and pulled away to stare at her face. “You mean the sex?”

She nodded, the palm of her hand wiping away her tears. “I thought my heart was safe but I love you. And I know you don’t love me back, I know this was just… just the easiest thing we could do but I – I love you so much. I’ve been loving you for too long without knowing,” she sobbed. “And I know you don’t feel the same –”

“Who said that?” Jaemin stopped her immediately.

“I know.”

“You know? And based on what?”

When she didn’t answer he shook his head. “You think I treat all my other friends the way I treat you? You think I stay up all night to study with somebody else? You think I prepare them tea? You think that if it was just sex I’d let you stay over every time and let you sleep on my chest? You think I’d make your breakfast? You think I’d let you borrow my clothes?”

“Isn’t this what we… isn’t this what we did even when we were just friends? How can I tear this apart?”

Jaemin sighed, nodding, “I don’t know…” he whispered. The lines of their relationship had always been blurry. All the years their friends told them they acted like a couple. All the years their family told them the same thing. All the times they wondered what they were. They simply never had the courage to say it out loud, but now that all the lines were crossed they couldn’t keep playing that game anymore.

“I feel good with you, and I love you,” Jaemin said. “I love you so much,” he replied, cupping her cheeks in his hand, and her heart skipped a beat at his words. “And if you love me back maybe we could give this a try?”

And she said yes. Of course, she did. She had been waiting for this moment for so long that she felt on cloud nine.

Jaemin, her best friend, the perfect man she always wanted to have at her side, was finally her boyfriend.

The perfect man.

That was what she thought.

That was what Jaemin was when he was her best friend.

And he was like that even for the first year they dated.

He was thoughtful, energetic, and responsible and the list of all the compliments she could give him could go on and on. He was the same Jaemin she used to know, the one she always loved, as a friend, as a lover.

And their story was going so well that they even started to look for a small apartment together when the second year of University ended and moved in before summer was over.

“Stop playing around, Nana,” she warned him, pointing the brush on his face, trying to squirm away from him.

“Come on, it’s just some paint,” he laughed, successfully staining her face with the light blue of their bedroom.

“What did you just do?” She glared at him before coloring his face too, making him laugh. “You want war and I’ll give it to you.”

And that was another afternoon spent playing around, paint ending everywhere but on the walls, leaving them lying on the floor breathless before they decided that it was better to wrap it up and go take a shower.

And the new house led to thousands of shopping dates to pick up the furniture, and everything else they needed. Long days running around ended in cozy nights spent together on their couch eating food while their place started to form around them, walls filling up, smelling and looking like them more and more with each passing day.

The last two years of University passed like that, in their place, with their usual routine, with new memories and joys. Inviting friends over, wasting Saturdays doing nothing but cuddling up in their living room, or taking care of the plants that filled their home.

They slept and woke up, looking at each other, always more sure that they were meant to be each other’s future.

Until something broke.

Jaemin was distant.

It wasn't a clear break, one day the sweetest, most loving person ever and the next one a cold, heartless one. It was slow, like the grains of sanding passing from one side to another of an hourglass. Slipping out of her hands just like sand.

Every time she tried to plan something, he always came up with something he had to do. She didn’t want to call them excuses, but at this point, she couldn’t name them in any other way.

And it wasn’t only that, it looked like he had stopped paying her attention at all, whether she wanted it for dumb reasons or even serious ones.

“We have to call the landlord,” she reminded him from the kitchen, turning around to see that he was once again on the couch, doing nothing on the phone.

“Jaemin,” she called him, leaning against the door frame, glaring at him.

“Yeah? You wanted me?”

“I was talking to you,” she replied.

“I wasn’t listening,” he mumbled, putting the phone away.

“Yeah, I can see it,” she sighed, turning around again.

“What did you want?” He asked, and even if she didn’t turn around she knew he was in the kitchen too.

“Nothing, I can do it myself.”

Jaemin huffed, “so you can be mad at me because I didn’t do it?”

She chuckled. “You never do what I ask you do.”

“Here we go again,” he replied, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

“Yes, I’ll say it again because we can’t keep going on like this. We have to call the landlord because he’s raising the rent of this house again. Our place. I don’t know if you get it that you live here, too.”

“I know. I’ll call him. You think that will make him stop? It’s been two years since we live here, and he does it every time.”

“You didn’t even answer your mother about Sunday.”

“Do you really want to go there?”

She sighed, studying his face with a shocked expression. “It’s your mom? And it’s to spend time together.”

“I can’t.”

“You can’t? On Sunday?”

“I have... a thing to do…”

“A thing? And what is that?” She tilted her head, trying to meet his gaze but Jaemin was avoiding it.

“Need to help Renjun with something. Boring things you don’t care about,” he cut short, and she furrowed, but she had no strength to dig deeper and maybe end up in a fight.

They fought too often lately. They had started to bicker over the smallest things, screaming at each other, drifting away, and crying over spilled milk. And that was fucking her up.

She felt like she couldn’t keep going on like this, but every time she tried to talk with him, Jaemin always slipped from her fingers or she couldn’t find the mental energy to go all the way.

It was just a moment. It surely had to be like that. Maybe it was the stress from work, or those normal crises couples went through.

But to Jaemin it wasn’t a moment.

“I want to break up.”

And then those words arrived. They hit her like a thunder in the middle of a storm. While sitting in front of each other at the table of their house he was finding the bravery to put an end to them.

“I can’t keep lying to myself anymore,” Jaemin confessed, eyes lowering because he couldn’t stand looking into hers. His best friends. The person he learned to walk with. The person he almost shared his birthday with. The person that saw him at his lowest. “I think I mistook the habit of having you by my side for love.”

Her whole world fell apart. She had so many things to say, questions to ask, but not a sound could come out of her mouth.

“I don’t love you. I’m not even sure I ever did. Not like this, at least. Not like you want me to love you.”

Some moments of silence passed after his confession as they stared into each other’s eyes. Jaemin trying to imagine a reaction, hoping it was going to be different from the ones he pictured while preparing for this. Her trying to see a glimpse of a joke, a terrible and cruel one, but a joke.

But she knew him too well and his eyes, his beautiful, once warm, brown eyes there was no sign of a joke. He meant it. Jaemin meant every word.

“You never loved me?” She asked, voice trembling, eyes watery.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You’re telling me I just wasted more than two years of my life by your side and you don’t know?”

“It’s not my fault, I… I thought I did before I met someone else and maybe… maybe this is not love. My heart doesn’t beat the same. I don’t know.”

“So there’s also somebody else!” She screamed. “After all that I gave up for you! You couldn’t realize this a little bit earlier? Before I gave up my job in London for you? Before I put all my savings in this place for us to share? Before I gave up going to New York for the master?”

Jaemin didn’t answer, he didn’t even look at her. He couldn’t stand the look on her face, he was used to wiping it away, to kiss it away, but now he was the one that caused it.

“I… fuck,” she cursed, throwing her head back to push back tears. “I could’ve had so much more and I never did all because of you, because I thought I had love and you’re telling me all these years had been a lie? I ruined my life for you and you can’t even love me. No, you can’t even look at me while you’re telling me this big news.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, eyes meeting her just for a split second.

“Sure, this is going to fix everything,” she chuckled bitterly. “Tell me what she has that I don’t!”

“Don’t do this.”

“Don’t do this? Seriously? I want to know. I deserve to know because you… you can’t just leave me like this.”

“I’m not leaving like this,” he tried to explain. “I thought about it for so long.”

“Why am I so hard to love?” She cried, but it was more of a thought to herself, getting up to walk back and forth because she felt all the emotions pile up and she needed to let them go somehow.

“You are not hard to love. I love you, just not like that.”

“Just shut the fuck up! I don’t care how you love me, I don’t want you to love me like that. Shut up!” Her whole body was shaking, tears flooding down her face, her head was about to explode, and probably her heart too.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying it, stop it!”

Jaemin sighed, he never imagine it would come to this. Honestly, he had no idea how else she could’ve reacted, but there must’ve been a good side to this, right? “I don’t know when it happened, I just realized it now. Isn’t it better like this? It’s over now and we can both move on.”

“Sure,” she replied, holding in a bitter chuckle. “It’s so easy for you. She’s already waiting at home, right? Waiting for you, being everything you always wanted. Something I will never be.”

“She doesn’t know. There’s nothing going on between us.”

“I hope she makes you happy,” she replied, eyes closing so hard that tears rolled down her cheeks faster while her hand rested against the wall, trying to calm her breathing down. “I hope her eyes look better than they shine. I hope her lips taste sweeter than mine. I hope she looks prettier when she cries. I hope she won’t be so hard to handle.”

Jaemin walked toward her, trying to hold her in his arms but she glared at him and it was enough to make him take a step back.

“Leave,” she only whispered, taking a deep breath, trying to don’t pay attention to the tears that were making her look more and more pathetic. “You don’t want me, Jaemin. And I can’t change your mind. I can’t force you here. I already ruined enough of your life with this.”

“You didn’t ruin my life, please. You will always be my best friend.”

She couldn’t hold in the loud sob that rolled out of her mouth when he said that and her body crashed against the wall again.

“I hate you so much,” she screamed, shaking and sniffling. “You — you should’ve told me this so long ago. I hate you so much,” she repeated, bending and holding her stomach, wishing she knew a way to make this pain stop. “I would’ve rather lost the sex with you than — than be — ugh,” she sobbed, completely falling on the floor.

Jaemin was frozen, his heart was broken too. He would’ve never wanted to be the reason for her tears, or for her pain, especially for this pain. Seeing her body shake, her face a mess of tears and mascara and her chest panting uncontrollably as she gasped for air.

“I didn’t do this on purpose,” he whispered because he had no idea what to tell her. How to make her believe that if he made up his feelings before he would’ve told her sooner.

“I know,” she replied, not looking at him. “But… leave, please. I can’t — I can’t do this… I can’t be this close to you. I — I… Leave.”

And he did, walking to their bedroom he grabbed some of his things for the night and left. He tried to meet her eyes before closing the door behind him, but she was huddled up on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably and the only thing he could do after turning her in that state, was to leave her some space.

When the sound of the door closing reached her ears, she started crying louder, fingers clenching too hard around her hair and pulling too much, trying to feel some physical pain because the emotional one was unbearable.

That wasn’t fair.

That was nothing of what she had planned for the night, or for the weekend, or for their lives.

And she couldn’t even think why she wasn’t enough, why he didn’t cast her in the show of his life forever. She could only think about all the wasted times and how now she could’ve been anywhere else in the world, with a job that made her ten times happier, with somebody that truly loved her and still with Jaemin at his side, still her childhood best friend, still the little teenage boy that made her laugh, still the college pal that spent nights up with her.

But Jaemin now turned into a nightmare. He was somebody that she didn’t know.

Jaemin was the source of her biggest pain and that was a kind of hurt she didn’t know how to deal with.

She felt sick.

Sick to the stomach.

So, still crying, and sobbing, she crawled on the floor, tired body making its way to the bathroom, feeling like she was carrying around a ton too heavy to handle. And she threw up, everything she could’ve, and finding the strength to lift her hand and flush was hard. Just like it was to get up when her heart and stomach hurt so much and she felt like she could barely breathe.

“I’m so pathetic,” she whispered through sobs while she laid curled up on the floor, thinking it couldn’t be possible to react that way, that a break-up couldn’t be the end of the world, that a betrayal like this couldn’t be the end of the world. And yet it felt exactly like that. And she had no strength to get up or drag her body to the bed, their bed, so she fell asleep there, exhausted, heartbroken, and humiliated.

It wasn’t going to be the end of the world.

But right there, it felt like the end of the universe.

Dealing with what came after hadn’t been easy. Seeing Jaemin’s face again hadn’t been easy. But that still was his place, and his friends couldn’t just make room for him in their houses out of nowhere. So they still had to share their everyday life for a week before Renjun found a way to let him squeeze into his house, a temporary solution to give him time to find a new place.

But dealing with his absence wasn’t easy either. Every day when she came home the house was a little emptier. All the things they bought together. All the things she had seen in his room at his parent’s place, then in his college room, and now here. Gone. Gone just like him.

Jaemin had tried to talk to her several times, but she never answered, unless it was really necessary, and when she did the only words were ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or small phrases.

She was angry. Furious even. So much she feared she was going to go insane. Because the pain was pressing her to the floor and she felt like she was about to explode. But that wasn’t her, that was a part of her that was hurt and devastated. And as much as Jaemin deserved it, she didn’t want to regret any dumb action, so she took a step back. Hoping he was going to leave her alone as soon as possible and then she would’ve healed by herself.

And it took her at least one month to get back on her feet. She didn’t even feel pain, she felt empty, and for some reason, it was worst. She had no emotions to deal with, to feel and then analyze, no root of a pain to reach to break it apart.

She spent her evenings sitting on a corner of the sofa, looking at the wall, feeling like she was going insane. Her friends tried to make her go out, get her mind off of it, but she had no strength. She was falling into a withdrawal.

“What is this?” She asked her mother while she went through the mail, an envelope that was too elegant to be normal mail catching her eyes. She had started to come back to her parent’s house during the weekend to don’t feel so lonely because that place screamed Jaemin from every corner and she couldn’t deal with it. During the week she was too wrecked from work to let him drag her down, but the weekends were the worst.

“What, honey? It must be the usual stuff,” her mother replied not even turning around, too busy crocheting a blanket.

She wanted to leave it there, but something inside her told her to open it.

“Are you kidding me?” She whispered, blinking her eyes twice to make sure she wasn’t going insane. “He’s getting married?” Her eyes were still on that piece of paper with her name written on it. “He’s getting married and he invited me?”

When her eyes fell on her mother her heart broke even more. “You — you knew?” the words were shaking coming out of her mouth and her eyes got wetter.

“Honey, I’m —”

“Don’t call me honey,” she warned her sternly, feeling like that pet name was mocking her even more. “You knew?”

“I’m still friends with his mom, you know what’s between us, of course, I did,” she confessed, placing the wool next down on the armchair and walking toward her daughter but she stepped back. “I wasn’t planning on giving it to you.”

“Why did he invite me? Does he think — does he think we can still be friends after all the pain he caused to me?” Her back met the wall and it was getting harder to breathe.

He was getting married.

Na Jaemin, her best friend for life, her first love, her first real relationship, the one she gave up so much for, was getting married two months after they broke up.

“His mother did the invitations. You know it’s hard for us to see you like this. We just wish you would solve this.”

“Solve this?” She almost screamed, staring at her mother in disbelief. “Solve what? The broken heart he threw to the ground and stepped on? I gave him my life, mom, I did things for him — I… I would’ve died for him and he tells me he never loved me. These past three years had been a lie, he was with me just because I was there, ready to crawl at his side, I was just a habit he was too afraid to lose and he had to tie me to him somehow until I became too much and he kicked me out of his life. How can I go past this? Why do I always have to be the one that lets people run over her?”

“I didn’t mean that, but you two have been through so much. I don’t understand how —”

“Yeah, you don’t understand,” she replied bitterly before grabbing her things and walking out of the house, not listening to her mother begging to make her stay.

She had no idea how she made it home with the tears fogging her eyes and her heart split into million pieces more than it already was. But once she crossed the door she let out the most broken scream of her life, bending in two in front of the door, letting her body fall on the floor, screaming and crying, regretting all her life choices, wondering how the person she trusted the most in the whole world could’ve turned into her biggest enemy.

Jaemin, the one that had her back when she did something wrong. The one that helped her stood up every time she fell. The one that kissed the pain away when she fell off the bike or from the swing. Her soulmate had backstabbed her, over and over again.

“I don’t deserve this,” she shouted, resting her back against the hard door, head rolled back as she tried to let her lungs breathe in more air because she felt like she was dying. “I don’t deserve all this pain.”

But she had nobody to talk to, nobody was there to hug her or calm her down, nobody to whisper in her ears that eventually, one day, everything would’ve been better.

Nobody was there to tell her that one day she would’ve got that love she deserved.

Because the love she deserved was reserved for somebody else.

And she shouldn’t have added more pain to her suffering, but her hands quickly reached for her phone and opened Instagram.

And there they were.

“Forever and always” as the caption of their hands, two beautiful rings on their fingers. And swiping left another picture, their cheeks pressed against each other, smiling widely as the wind blew the hair in front of their faces.

The exact picture she had of them on her lock screen, but now that she thought about it, after months of thinking that was one of their best photos, she realized that Jaemin’s cheek wasn’t so close to hers.

And there were so many posts on Instagram, both of their feeds were full of each other with cheesy captions and emojis. Things he never, ever did for her.

She broke down again, feeling her heart twist in her ribcage.

She had spent months trying to convince herself that Jaemin had fallen out of love in the last months. That it had happened, that it was just bad luck and they weren’t meant to last.

But looking back at it now, thinking about how easily he had moved on and what kind of love he was reserving for her, the sad truth crashed her to the ground.

Jaemin had never fallen in love with her.

They weren’t supposed to meet again, but she couldn’t say ‘no’ when her mother invited her to the usual spring party she threw the first week of April.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you here,” Jaemin mumbled when they crashed against each other. “I was looking for a thing in my… my jacket,” he explained since they were both in the guest room.

She was frozen. She wanted to leave. She should’ve left because she came there mainly to avoid him. She couldn’t stand seeing him and her all over each other, their hands intertwined, his lips always on her cheeks or lips, his fingers gently grazing her hair back.

“Are you okay?” He asked when tears started streaming down her face. It had been months since he had last seen her and he never imagined she was doing this badly, she barely looked like herself anymore.

She didn’t even notice she had started crying, it happened so often lately that she didn’t even pay attention to it anymore.

“Never been better,�� she replied sarcastically, but her feet still couldn’t find the strength to move past him and walk out.

“I didn’t know about what my mom did, I would’ve stopped her,” he said.

She chuckled bitterly. “You think that the problem is being invited? You think that the mere fact of you marrying someone else after two months of our break up isn’t heartbreaking enough?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

She nodded. “I know, I know. We never want to hurt others, and just because it wasn’t on purpose the others shouldn’t feel hurt or betrayed, right? It’s always an honest mistake. Oops, I slipped. Oops, I didn’t do it on purpose. I casually stuck ten knives in your chest but I never thought you would bleed and die on the floor, please, forgive me.” Her tone wasn’t high but bitter, full of a type of anger Jaemin never heard before.

“Let’s not do this right now,” Jaemin said. “There are people.”

“Yeah, you care so much about what they might think. You don’t even care about all the pain you put me through. How much this hurt and how much you, your mother and mine are slapping your happiness at my expense on my face.”

“You shouldn’t have come here.”

“I shouldn’t have? She’s my mom. This is my parents’ house. Not yours. You should’ve been thoughtful enough to say no when she invited you, to take your fucking distances from my family but no, this is so much better. You love seeing me miserable. You love knowing I’m not getting over you, that for me there will never be getting over you. Probably you get off to my pain.”

“Don’t say things that are not true. I didn’t know you were coming, I wouldn’t have come.”

“I don’t even get how my mom let her in, why she’s so supportive of you as if… as if you’re not the reasons I’m struggling to make it to the next day. Why does nobody care about me? Why is she still all over you? Why can’t she see it? Why can’t she realize you’re not the kind, little boy I used to spend my morning, afternoon and evening with?”

“She’s just happy for me…”

“Right, you’re happy, your family is happy. She’s happy, happier than I’ve ever been. You found your person, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And I’m so happy about it. Congratulation for being happy, for finding love, for — fuck,” she cursed. “I’m so happy for you. I’m so happy that she’s getting all the love I deserved to have.”

“Don’t do this.”

“No, I’m truly happy. I’m so happy that she gets the flowers, the boxes of chocolate, the nights out to stargaze, the marriage proposal, the new house, maybe even a dog or a child.”

“Are you mad because I love her?”

“I’m mad because she gets the love I deserved. The love that I gave you.” It was hard to say it out loud and in front of him but she was so mad, so frustrated that everybody there acted as if she was the problem or the overdramatic one.

“She gets the posts made about her, she gets the flowers, she gets a perfect love that you never gave to me. You never loved me. All these years were a fucking lie, Jaemin. You lied to me. I gave you my everything. I was so open to you, I showed you my true colors and what I got back? A fucking play. You were playing a part. I have no idea who I had by my side in the last three years. And I’ve known you before we could even talk.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t… I can’t choose who I love.”

“I don’t care. I got excuses, Jaemin. You got to use this, to use me. You left me in the dust with nothing and then walked away as if it was nothing. As if I was nothing,” she screamed, fist clenching around his shirt before letting go because she couldn’t stand to stay this close to him.

“Was I too hard to handle? Was I too emotionally unstable? What was wrong with me that — that didn’t make you love me? Why don’t you love me? Why don’t you want me?”

“Because you’re not her,” Jaemin snapped, their eyes locking into each other, hearts breaking again. Hers because she never imagined he could hurt her that bad. Again. Over the same wound. Healing and bleeding. Closing and ripping open. And his because he never wanted to hurt her that bad. Jaemin truly didn’t want this to end like this. And he couldn’t stand the emptiness he could see in her eyes as they stared into his and felt like nothing of what they used to feel.

They weren’t home anymore. And this was the cruellest reminder.

Her feet moved back, heels almost dripping on the floor and lips shaking. She gulped, wrapping her arms around her shoulders, nodding as she felt the air dim in her lungs again.

“You’re right,” she whispered, looking through the clothes to grab her jacket before putting it on and storming outside.

Jaemin should’ve let her go but he knew that when she acted like this she was out of herself.

“Where are you going? It’s dangerous to drive like this,” he screamed, running after her, cursing because he didn’t want to make a scene but he still cared about her.

“Why do you act like you care? You don’t give a damn about me. Just — just stop this,” she replied, slamming the front door, walking fast to her car, falling apart when she turned around and he wasn’t there. His fiancée had stopped him, probably asking what was going on and he was lying, coming up with something that wasn’t related to her, because she wasn’t worth a fight between him and the love of his life, and he walked back to the garden, once again forgetting about her.

Driving in those conditions was a terrible idea, but she wanted to go home and the idea of death didn’t sound so sad or scary.

Dying for love was such a dumb thing.

But she couldn’t keep her eyes on the road, her hands couldn’t control the wheel, shaking too hard. And when she lost control, when the car ran off the road and death grazed her, she wondered if it went in another way, if destiny wouldn’t have been so gentle to keep her alive if she would’ve gotten the flowers on her tombstones.

But she wasn’t underground, she was alive, hurt, next to her car, crying her eyes out to a love that was never meant to be.

She couldn’t know what would’ve happened if things went the other way. But of one thing, she was sure.

Someone else was getting the flowers and would’ve always got them.

And that someone, wasn’t her.

I hope you liked it! Please let me know with comments, reblogs or asks!!

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