just--bloom-blog

[just--bloom-blog]

it feels right (and necessary, really) to have a new place to collect and record my thoughts. 2019 has been an absolute rollercoaster, and I can’t even imagine how the next few weeks or months will go. I wish I could say I’m starting a fresh blog to simply journal the thoughts of my self-love journey, but there is another journey on which I’m embarking, the reason for this new blog.

‘I need a safe space to process my thoughts, and unfortunately, a notepad or journal are not as accessible as a phone or computer. Tumblr has always been my outlet, and I am choosing to keep it as that for now. Maybe someday I will share these posts, maybe some day they will help another girl with her struggle.

Let’s start from the beginning.

Over the weekend, I was raped by someone who I have considered a best friend for a few years. I have known him since we were in elementary school together in our incredibly small town (his small town really, since I’m an outsider to this area). But I truly felt as though this group of boys were going to be there for me unconditionally, love and protect me, stand up for me and respect me. I was wrong.

When reality hit me (nearly 48 hours later) and my mind processed the fact that this incident was in fact rape, things began to move in both slow motion and fast forward simultaneously. The first step, for me, was to recount the night in my mind.

Here is the cliff notes version-- I am planning on moving to TN in two weeks, a 14 hour drive from my current city (Philly) and the rural area in which I grew up. This meant saying goodbyes to friends who I will not be seeing for months. I started my night visiting my college roommate, drank one glass of wine while we chatted about her two kids and the upcoming wedding. I got to the bar around 10:20pm and ordered a double Sapphire and Tonic, my drink of choice. By 1am, I was blacked out. I had at least two double g&t’s and numerous (let’s say 4-5) shots of fireball. I have photos and videos on my phone at 1am that I do not remember. The next thing I do remember is one brief moment- my friend on top of me saying “I’m going to cum, can I come inside you?” and me exclaiming NO and immediately feeling disgusted and confused. Back to darkness, and the next moment I remember is waking up in a random lot, pulled up onto a hill in my car at 7(?)AM, throwing up, and falling back asleep. When I finally gained the clarity to drive, it was nearly 9am. I stopped at a gas station, bought 2 Gatorades, and drove back to my parents’ house. I was throwing up for hours, tried to eat some Shin Ramyun (my go-to at-home hangover cure), but was too nautious and exhausted to finish. Eventually, I moved from the couch to the spare bedroom and was in and out of sleep until 6pm.

There are more details about Saturday, my brief conversation with him and others, but it’s nearly 4am, and I have to speak to the police in four hours, so for now I just want to get out how I’m feeling-

I am so scared. I am confused and hurt and SO angry. I am heartbroken and disgusted. I know we joke as a generation about “all the feels” but that is exactly what is happening inside of me. I have to talk to the police about what happened, and I am absolutely terrified of the next steps. 

I am finally tired enough to sleep and should capitalize on this exhaustion. So here is the first post of this journey, one that will be long and grueling. But I have never felt so  compelled to stand up for myself, for other girls who have been in the same or similar situations. I am sick of silencing my voice so as not to upset the status quo in these small towns. I am praying that me standing up for this will shake the boys who do this shit to the core, that it will scare them and make them think twice about taking advantage. 

And to you my ‘friend’ ... I am disgusted, disappointed, angry. I am shocked and yet somehow I am not. I will never forgive you for taking advantage of me and then dumping me at my car to drunkenly drive myself home on a bitter cold winter night. You were wrong, and I hope you finally understand that when I said NO for all those years, I meant it. And being drunk and blacked out one night does not give you the right to my body.