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I am not strong...

I am hurting, so badly hurting, but I am also trying and that is exhausting. I am trying to be myself to carry on, to smile, to just be, and it’s exhausting. I used to think I was strong, I was sure of what I wanted, I was happy, content. Now my heart has been ripped from me and I have no idea how to handle it - which shows I am not strong. I was looking at the near future of marriage and kids and now I am living with betrayal and humiliation - how has this happened? My whole life has changed overnight, I no longer have my relationship or my own home and I am just expected to just accept that this is what has happened and get on with it - but I can’t! I am angry that his behaviour is dictating how I feel - that he is literally making me sick with heartache and there is nothing I can do - I am trying to tell myself to let go to possibly accept the situation and move on - but I can’t!

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Feminism

One thing which is really starting to bug me is the term ‘feminist’ in today’s society. It is used all of the time to describe a strong female. But the term seems to be used in a negative manner like 'oooh she supports feminist views’ and it might just be the spin on the media but it is like they are saying 'oooh she thinks she is better than a man’. The media do keep pulling out this card of feminist and how they think they are superior to men - but hang on a minute I consider myself to be a strong woman but I do not want to be considered better than a man, I want to be considered equal… I wouldn’t call myself a feminist in today’s society as that it seen in a negative light (as above it comes across like they want women to be superior). But I do support the view of equal of rights and in original context feminism is 'the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes’ - EQUAL rights, not superior! So can we stop using the term 'feminist’ negativly when a woman gets a lead in a film - she is a strong woman - equal to her fellow man.

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The world of contraceptives...

This little blog is just to warn people of what can happen when you decide to make changes to contraceptives and what can happen to you and your body. Now there might be some details that are a little *cringe* but I am going to include them just encase you relate and notice this within you.

Right from the start…

I started using the pill when I was 16, this was all fine I took it everyday had a 7 day break and back on again. On the break I started my period like clockwork, and it lasted around 5 days, the only problem was I had very very very heavy periods even when I was on the pill, I was a dancer so being on and it being heavy was… difficult to manage lets say. Also when I wasn't taking the pill (on the 7 day break) I noticed my mood would change and it was like I was craving the pill, because as soon as I took it I felt ‘normal’ again.

When I was 20 I decided to change and go on the injection, again this was a positive as I didn't have to remember to take it everyday, I just had to see the nurse every 3 months and have the injection. This stopped my periods completely which was a relief, however my weight increased… and kept increasing looking back I think I put on about 2 stone. I tried everything to control the weight and nothing worked, I was dieting, exercising… nothing worked.

So I decided to have a change… at 25 I moved to the implant, they said as I was fine on the injection I would be fine on the implant and my weight ‘might’ go back to normal. The implant was great, I still didn't have any periods and I started to notice a slow decrease in my weight, I could lose 2-3lbs a week (which was good as I am only a small frame). The implant was great for about a year and a half… then one day I randomly started bleeding… weird! I thought ok this is random for me but lets just see what happens, I came off my period after about 7 days… couple of days passed and I came back on again… this carried on for about 5 weeks so obviously I was like something isn't right so I booked to see the doctor… who couldn't see me for at least 2 weeks… great.

I went to see the doctor and he couldn't get me out of the door quick enough, he didn't want to know… he said there was no concern just see how you get on in the next few weeks… a couple of weeks past and I continued to be on. So I booked into the local family planning clinic, really easy to get an appointment as soon as I said I am having irregular bleeding they couldn't get me in quick enough. I went to see one of the doctors and we talked through my symptoms and she asked me to do a chlamydia test and gave me two options, remove the implant now and go onto another form of contraception or take the pill for 3 months and see if this sorts your cycle out and then continue to just have the implant. So I decided to take the pill for 3 months and she gave me Levest.

One week into taking Levest, my period had stopped YAY... and my chlamydia test came back negative… double YAY!!

…. but I was a mess, I took it in the morning before going to work and I felt dizzy, nauseous, I couldn't concentrate, I was emotional… now when I say emotional this is a bit of a change for me, I am not really like your average girl, I don't cry much, I don't see a cute dog with a pink bow and well up… or get maternal etc, some friends joke and call me the ice queen. But whilst I was on Levest I was wanting to cry at the smallest thing… I didn't even know what I was crying about sometimes, I would just get a lump in my throat and I couldn't control it.

I tried to change when I took the pill to see if taking it at night instead of the morning made me feel any different… this was a mistake. I took it before I went to sleep and I slept fine, I woke up and within minutes I was dizzy, stumbling around, then I was going to throw up… It felt like what I can only imagine what morning sickness would feel like (now there is no way I can be pregnant as I was only taking the pill to sort my cycle out not as a contraceptive, I was still covered by the implant) I felt awful!

My boyfriend was trying to help and make me laugh and I was giggling away then suddenly I was crying… what on earth is going on! So we decided that I would stop taking the pill and see if I would start my period again… if I did I would have to go back to the clinic.

So this is just a little warning… don't take Levest!!! or if you do, then monitor your symptoms, if you start feeling dizzy, nauseous… go back to your doctor and change the brand, as previously the first pill I took when I was 16 was fine for me, this version has the same ingredients and was awful… maybe its the combination of having the implant and taking the pill. I will update this blog if I have any further changes/ updates, I just wanted to make other people aware of symptoms you may have on other contraceptives and to listen to your body if you don't feel right, keep getting things checked out.

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This makes me laugh every time :D

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How pretty

Kohei Nawa.

For an installation piece at the Aichi Triennale, Japanese artist Kohei Nawa used foam to give visitors the sensation of walking through the clouds at night:

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I love this :)

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Sanity is giving up the illusion of control. Happiness is letting go of the past. Serenity is just being me.

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Promise (2004) Sonya Clark

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Artist & Photographer:

Miriam Sweeney

"Subversion"

Archival Pigment Print on Hahnemuehle

Photo Rag Pearl Paper

149.5 cm x 112 cm

2012

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Hannah Greely, Super Cell, 2012 (Steel, foam, acrylic)

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You got something to say? Why don’t you speak it out loud, instead of living in your head? It’s always the same. Why don’t you take your heart out, instead of living in your head?

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Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.

Dalai Lama (via eclatantly)