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[justamomwithacomputer]

You think wedding planning is hard? Try doing it in the middle of a world pandemic, and an old fashion family feud.

Going to the chapel, and going to get married.

My daughter is getting married.  Her Fiancé and her have been engaged since summer of 2018.  They are a smart young couple who have all their ducks in a row.  Both have good jobs, dept. free (less a small amount of School loans) and have a nice little nest egg of savings to buy a house. They have traveled, had many adventures across the globe.  They were engaged in Barcelona, and this doesn’t even touch the list of places they have traveled together.  The love life and live it to the fullest each and every day. Even if it’s a walk on the boardwalk, or down to the local coffee shop, a nice lunch or bar for a cocktail.  They enjoy staying in and cooking new things, try new recipes and live a very healthy lifestyle. They love the Lakers, and very rarely miss watching a game. Even if not televised on their network of stations, they find a place to go watch. (when they are playing)

Better to vent on paper, than react with killing people.

Now to bring you to the reason I am writing this all out on paper.  My daughter is so excited to be part of this big wonderful Family, and we are so happy to welcome her Fiancé’ into our family. This young couple have been together for over 5 years, and have been planning their wedding for over a year and a half.  So Covid-19 has really set the Bride/Groom (everyone involved really) into a whirlwind of emotions, uncertainties and sometimes anger!  They asked themselves, are we going to be able to get married, do we have to postpone, cancel, move venues…. Nightmare Right!?  Some might think….. just postpone?  Well as you can tell a little about them by the beginning of this, they have a plan. The plan does not include postponing the wedding.  So as if a world Pandemic wasn’t enough, we have two dueling Mothers…. Hold on, not the Mother of the Bride, but the Mother (MOG) and Step Mother of the Groom (SMOG) acting like complete selfish, hateful and rude bitches! (sorry, I didn’t mention groom is from a split family). The two between each other don’t have a lot of communications, aside from a couple late night drunk text messages (from what MOG/SMOG have both shared), and just nasty words transmitted through other parties involved.  My daughter has tried to remain neutral and have relationships with both, as they will soon be her family.  She has a stronger relationship with one than the other, but that is based on the relationship her soon to be husband has with each.  Oh boy… to put it in a nutshell… these women have found a way to feud and put my daughter in the middle, along with many other victims.  My daughter has been used in a tug of war game between the two.  Mostly with assumption about how much one or the other is involved in the planning of the wedding, and even their assumption of my involvement has been miscued.  My daughter and soon to be son in law are very non-traditional and know their own vibe.  My daughter is very lucky to have a hands of fiancé that has helped plan and make decisions of what their wedding will look like.  So in all they have planned their entire wedding. (Keep in mind throughout this writing, that the parents of the Bride are paying the majority of the bill, with exceptions of a small cost of some rental furniture the FOG agreed to pay. The Bride and Groom have also taken on the complete Bar, and many other small things as well).  So to continue, there have been so many snarling comments from both MOG and SMOG that have been said to my daughter, things that are so unbelievably petty. As petty as they are at times, its abuse and becomes quite hurtful. I just ask myself why?  Why do these grown women treat my daughter so poorly?  My daughter is educated, has a BA, earned her teaching credentials and is working on her Masters. She holds a full time job earning a good salary.  She is beautiful, kind and generous with her time and sometimes goes above to keep the peace. Some might even be thinking; why would she still want to be part of this family.  Aside from the fact there are so many more amazing people in the family other than the MOG & SMOG, and of course the love she has for her soon to be husband, and the fact that he has stood by her side, one would of “taken the high road” (inside joke).  

A little to help you understand, or it will just seem unreal?

Back story…. Well, I won’t claim to know all the details, and don’t want to tell another women’s story.  Besides I have heard a little of both sides, and they don’t coincide.  Anyhow, I digress. MOG was married to Father of Groom (FOG)…. And one day she found out FOG was having a baby with the now SMOG. Now to clarify, the MOG and FOG were not divorce, but MOG thought (from how her story goes) she was a happily married with two young boys. (like 6 and 1.5 young). Fast forward 28 or more years later, the son is getting married to my daughter.  I’m sure it didn’t seem fast forward for all parties involved, but I wasn’t there.  I have heard stories from both women, and some a little crazy and neither paint a pretty picture of each other.  Hi I’m the Mother of the Bride… I’ve stayed neutral, stayed out of the drama and allowed my daughter to guide herself throw these rocky waters.  After all, she is the one marrying into this family.  Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% here for my daughter, I support her, give her advice and sometimes just hold her while she cries. Believe me when I say there have been times when I want to get in my car with a bat (and go play softball) or pick up phone and tell one of these ladies off.  However, my daughter is strong, smart and can handle herself.

This is where most of the fun begins.

These past two weeks have been a complete nightmare and a tale no one would believe unless it was in writing.  In the middle of a pandemic, we have riots and protest that engulf our lives. Police buildings being burnt down, looting, fighting and complete KAOS has taken over the world. Don’t get me wrong, changes need to be made and I am not saying the protesting is wrong, it just added a little more stress to a world that is already upside down with this COVID-19.   Not to even mention that USA is in the middle of an Election year.  This is just KAOS on top of KAOS, On top of KAOS…. And then you add the MOG & SMOG and it all seems a little un-real!

From the Start of the current storm.

Rewind about two weeks, and started with a little squabble between family (FOG side). SMOG went deep and attacked Brother of Groom, and then attacked a cousin and then continued to drag MOG through the mud with accounts that took place 25+ years ago?  I mean, my personal opinion, you sleep with another women’s husband, and wreck a household, you may have some consequences throughout your time.  Anyhow it came down to SMOG texting (not even a decent in person or very least pick up the phone) an apology.  My daughter let her know she accepts apology, but included how hurt she was that she was acting so hateful to the people she loves, and how it really has effected so many.  She added that she should get some help.  Well holy moly did that go off wrong!!!  SMOG came back with the a nasty, hateful Crazy effing text back!  Asking what help was she recommending.  Well my daughter is young, maybe a little naive to recognizing when a bomb is about to explode replied “you need to ask yourself that question”. After all anyone that would be so hateful, nasty and treat other people the way she had the previous couple days needs some kind of help.  POW POW…. Did that set off whatever unbalanced brain we are working with. SMOG came back asking my daughter where she got her Dr. degree and how she shouldn’t be giving advice she wasn’t qualified to give.  She added how wonderful of a SMOG she had been, and listed all her accolades of being a mother.  Most of which as mothers we all do.  I’m talking PTA, Volunteer positions at kid’s schools, taking to routine dr. and dentist along with toting them to all the extra activities kids participate in. So really just a bunch of noise, in addition to the continued bashing of the MOG. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the last comment she made attacking my daughter. She said that the only thig my daughter was worried about was this wedding, and to quote her “you don’t seem to care about much outside your white privileged wedding”.   Now that hit home a little funny because this wedding is not your Country club, spare no expense kind of wedding.  We have had to create a strict budget, and cut corners and find ways to have the dream wedding.  Yes, we are fortunate not to have run to Las Vegas or have a courthouse wedding, but definitely not a “White Privileged wedding”.   With all going on, we had to ask ourselves if SMOG learned a new saying amongst all the protest and riots. (ha ha).  Anyhow… that was funny, but incredible mean and hateful.  Some can already guess where this is going with upcoming wedding, if not let me illiterate. This was quickly finding SMOG on the un-invited list.  My daughters’ Fiancé got on phone and called his dad to find out what the heck was going on.  Not to share confidential information, the outcome was she would not come to the upcoming Bridal Shower and they would work day to day to see if she would be an invited guest at wedding.

Bridal Shower planning

My daughter has a large squad of friends who are amazing, and she has very special friendships with so many young ladies who she has met throughout her adolescent years, throughout her college and now profession life.  Many live out of state, and one even out of the country.  None local to host a bridal shower, so as the MOB I of course wanted my daughter to have an amazing shower, where we could come together and celebrate my girl.  Her Maid of Honor (MOH) who lives just a couple states away co-host with me and we worked together to have a “Garden” themed Bridal Shower at my house.

The Upcoming is here, enter the “Garden” with caution.

All is well, aside from FOG calling to have my daughter and his son reconsider having the SMOG at the shower.  Now, I was angry about her treatment of my daughter, it wasn’t about me banning her from the event.  It was the Bride & Groom who felt strong about not having her amongst MOG, mothers of others she had bashed and Grandmothers who also saw all the text, and hate messages she had rocket launched into the world wide world of text messages.   They thought it just might be best not to mix them, and not add fuel to the fire. In many ways they made the right call, because your soon to find out that with the MOG, and many family members from FOG side mixed was enough toxic energy to blow up a city block.  In all fairness, I must add that the FOG guest were on best behavior and I do not have any complaints.  Also I can understand how having to be in a space with ex-family would be stressful, but honestly after 28 years?  Well the MOG had her group of ladies rallied around, this group included friends and some aunts.  MOG brought tons of Champagne, and wine and they all sat and pretty much got hammered. It got raunchy and the group acted like it was a bachelorette party.  They disengaged during games and acted like school aged brats. While my daughter was opening up Shower gifts and trying to be graceful, they were in the back laughing, talking very loud. Taking pictures and totally oblivious to the fact they were indeed at a “Garden”/My daughter Bridal Shower.  I applaud my daughter for keeping her composure, and keeping it classy. She even called her soon to be Mother in Law (MIL) over when she was opening her gift to break up the frenzy that was taking place.  This was not a success; she went back to her own personal party within my daughter’s shower. Soon the presents were open, and this pretty much meant the end of event.  ALAJUELA ONE MIGHT BE THINGKING AT THIS POINT!  Even though this is supposed to be a joyous event.  Some quest had left, and some remained to just sit and talk. Well like a light switch, MOB was louder, flashing her legs up in air signally somehow towards the table that included some of the FOG family.  My daughter walked over and asked her future MIL to sit down, and maybe drink some water. I guess at this point you can guess my daughter is pretty good at lighting the bomb!  MOG went from crazy, to hysteria, slamming, pouring of wine on tables, crying to wanting to get behind the wheel and drive away.  Couple of her squad joined in, added to the madness…. It was basically an effing shit show!  

Back paddle for just a minute

Towards end of the shower, three of the most important men came home from golfing. The shower was a good excuse to get out of dodge, but they didn’t stay gone long enough.  My husband, my son and soon to be SIL arrived on time to witness the behavior of grown women acting like Sorority girls gone bad.  It was good and bad they came back a little early. Good because they would not have believed it unless seen for themselves. Bad because my SIL is so embarrassed by the poor behavior of his Mother and her friends/Aunts.

Back to the Garden

During MOG tyrant of throwing ice buckets and stomping out while giving the bird, she insisted she was going to drive home.  Many others (I stayed clear) tried to calm her down, and talk sense into MOG. She tried shoving another guest and continued to yell and scream.  My stern husband finally put his foot down and made MOG get into back seat and my husband ended up having to drive the MOG, her Trashy friend and poor sweet Grandma home.  My husband is good at deescalating a situation, and defiantly shows who the bigger person is to put himself in that situation.  In addition to the entire cost of Bridal Shower being on the Bride’s family, now my husband had to add additional expense to get home via Uber.

Was that all real?

Unbelievable right?  I left so much out.. but this is only a short blog to vent and get this all out of my head! After all was calm, we started cleaning up.  We stacked all the beautiful flower on one table, picked up trash, glasses. You know, all the regular stuff.  Small group of mostly my family and some of my girlfriends remained, and we indulged in a couple more drinks and ate some of the leftover food from shower.  We basically were kicking back having some relax time, played some corn hole, lit a small fire for one spoiled niece to make s’mores over.   Over all just a nice, change it up a little relax time.  Ended up picking up a couple pizzas and then ended the evening early. We were all so exhausted, it was time to call it.

Little did we know

Little did we all know, the entire evening and after my daughter and her fiancé left the madness continued. My soon to be SIL was getting rage texts from his mother.  I guess they were pretty bad, mean and hateful.  I don’t even want to know the details, because it would hurt my heart.

Hmmm…. What are you thinking about the Bride & Groom?

So maybe you’re thinking what kind of people the Bride and Groom are to be treated so poorly by these women in their lives?  The Groom grew up in a split home, going back and forth between Mom and Dads.  Again I only know what I have been told by conflicting people, but been around long enough to know that this young man is strong, determined, independent, kind and is always doing the right thing.  I mean doing right thing as always wishing his Step mom happy mother’s day, making sure he’s dividing his time between families, basically showing up to be part of a family regardless of circumstances.  As for his older brother, he checked out long ago.  Older brother shows up when he can’t get out of it, like Christmas dinner etc.   It appears both boys have a better relationship with their own mom, and that tells a tale all in itself.  I’m sure older brother who was about 6-7 years old when the home was split, must be a little angrier towards the Step Mom.  Older brother is successful, independent and lives further away than my daughter and fiancé.  My daughter in which I described earlier is a very loving and kind young lady. As her parent, she has never given us any grief.  Her fiancé and herself are ones who would rather avoid drama or any kind of atomicity and often pacify to keep everyone happy.  So bottom line, they are good people who do not deserve what they have been given during this already difficult time planning wedding during Covid19, protests, riots, looting and election year.

It started off romantic

In the Summer of 2019 my then daughter’s boyfriend asked my husband and I if he could ask our daughter to marry him. We were ecstatic, and absolutely gave our blessing. He had purchased a beautiful, sparkly and a fair size diamond ring. As I mentioned before they had a trip, to Barcelona. This is where he popped the question. The planning began, they had their vision and it was coming along great.  I didn’t have to do much, as they were doing it all.  It was kind of a relief, and knew that my daughter was being smart and planning a with a budget that met what we could afford. It was going to be in a beautiful Garden venue close to the Ocean. They had lined up all the vendors for the food, lighting, the rustic wood tables, DJ, Dessert bar, Bar tender, flowers, it was a beautifully planned wedding. Then along came COVID-19.

Four Months until wedding

So four months out, we had a lot of hope and were optimistic that COVID-19 wouldn’t cancel their dream wedding.  COVID-19 peaked, and was appearing to ease.  Stores, we’re opening and it appeared we were progressing. Stage 1, then stage two and then 1 month before wedding we were entering stage 3 in additional stages and requirements.  It was looking good, reports showed religious ceremonies a go, restaurants a go, bars open. All looks good for a wedding!  It was just about now, at the one month that the SMOG started the Family Feud. Funny thing was, my Future SIL, his Step Mom, Brother, Cousin and sister had just aired on the game show “Family Feud”.  Anyhow… 1 month and all the drama with SMOG, this is one-week shy of Bridal Shower, and we all know how that went down.  We are now at 3 weeks out and venue says, hold your brakes!  They now can only have 75 people for a wedding, and no reception. Went from 207 guest invited, due to covid and traveling across US borders and some of the guest that are higher at risk as elders or have underlining conditions opted out.  We were at a solid 150.  How do we cut this in half? What about the reception, that’s the fun part where we get to celebrate the Bride and Groom?

This brings us to today 6-22-2020

So with only 75 people allowed, we are looking for a restaurant or venue to accommodate at least 100 people for a dinner or a small reception.  Original Garden venue also wants to charge $2000 for just a 75 person wedding?  Little steep in comparison to what we were getting before.  So we are at the starting line, trying to figure this out in a three-week time.

My final thoughts

I want my daughter to have the most beautiful wedding she can possibly have under the current conditions.  We have thousands of dollars already invested in vases, votive candles, napkins, venue, caterer, photographer, and all the furniture and lighting vendors, the dessert table… and so on.  It must make sense, and not steer to far from her vision or the budget.  I suggested a “Backyard” wedding, which I know sounds trashy.  I have a pretty large size backyard, and it’s a blank slate for however her vision can transform it into.  It can hold 100-120 and they could utilize all the items that are already paid for and they wouldn’t go to waste.  My brother had his reception here 22 years ago, and we could make this backyard wedding look like a tropical garden in the middle of our City if she wants. Believe me, I don’t want it at my home.  It would be a lot of work!  We are already exhausted from all the drama and just wish this damn Covid-19 would go away and stop interfering.  Just pray for my daughter and her soon to be husband, pray that they find a new venue that fits the vision they both have.  They will soon learn that marriage is hard, and it takes sacrifices, and compromising to make it last as long as my husband and my marriage has.  We will be celebrating 30 years next May.  COVID-19 may stop these two youngsters from taking a honeymoon until next year, maybe we can do a 2ndhoneymoon with their first! LOL