justanotherdisappointment92

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Wait, you were actually born in the 1900's? Thats so cool

i am going to eat my own entire skin

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I cant believe this. Traveled to another city (not even therapy city) by train, just for my weekend plans to be canceled again. My friend fell ill. Well. I guess we’ll postpone it.. for the third (fourth?) time.

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Might have just spoken too soon. Agh! Lets see now.

Looks like my weekend plans are finally happening! Tomorrow im off to my brothers place by train. Yay

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Looks like my weekend plans are finally happening! Tomorrow im off to my brothers place by train. Yay

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Weekend plans got pushed back 2 weeks again. Sigh. Also ive been super anxious.

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And it confuses me. So much anxiety.

My life is a right mess

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My life is a right mess

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Darn it. Weekend plans got canceled. Will see him next weeks weekend, but still. Im sad.

I havr therapy on Monday. Thats good, but Im a littlr bit scared of what my T thinks of my plans. Shes not his biggest fan.

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Finally meeting my internet friend in less than 2 weeks. Ill see him in another city, not where either of us live. Actually its my little brothers home city. Im excited. No going back now, not that i would want to.

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What to do with a very confusing long distance friendship? All of my friendships (almost) are long distance, thats not the problem. The problem is that it has always been slightly more than a friendship, on an emotional level. Apparently still is to both of us. Im just very lost. Good thing I have therapy on Monday.

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Therapy city again, at the train station. Was in a hurry today, train was late, got therr on time anyway.

Therapy was good. Didnt dissociate like last time! We talked about various things, how my life is drama free, and how i would like to , like they say, ”live a little”. How ive been reading romance novels and watching hallmark movies just to state that my own life is lacking.

And about one friendship, were we never see esch other due to the distance, but talk to each other 50 times a day. A friendship, that I couldnt have if i was dating- a friendship, that scarily resembles something else.

Was a good therapy. At the last minutes, i asked my therapist to tell me something about her i dont yet know, but she would be okay to tell me about. That was a very adult way of my child parts asking, who are you really, and what are we?

Last time I dissociated badly, and my therapist asked me what song fits that. Now, dissociation fits no song. Or no song fits dissociation. But when mu dissociation crumbled, the first song i remembered was one by Emma salokoski that i heard 8 years ago, when i was inpatient and ver broken. It made me think of my therapist. Heres a loose translation that I made up on the spot

Yes i know the surface of the water is far

Cant see to the bottom, cant see whether theres fish or sharks underneath that could easily eat me

But you see further than the surface, you take me with and make me dare go with you, ive never dived in so dangerously

So you lead me with your sure grip

Further from the safety of the shore

And im scared but there, youre voice it calms me

It reminds me how i had a deathgrip on my therapist 8 years ago when I met her, when I was so broken into pieces and I just knew if someone she could put me back together.

8 years later I know thats not quite how it works but Im glad my grip has only tightened.

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Therapy day again. Here I am in the big city waiting to get home. We had a lovely chat.. even if I cried (I did).

We talked about how my bpd traits are more prominent in my inner world and personality development more so than in my actions and emotion regulation. Very validating for a professional to even recognise my bpd.

We also talked about my being dependent on other people, how its different from a heslthy dependence. How I use them as functional objects.. realised I dont meet new people for themselves (for finding them interesting), rather for using them to fill the gaps in my life.

Such a good therapy lesson.. i cried at least twice.. i realised i dont look people in the eye anymore. I am so ashamed of myself, i dont want others to see me or to see others.

Why dont i look at my therapist? I use her as an object in my inner world and seeing her, would be like meeting a new person.. too shameful and scary.

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Last night i had some disappointments. To top it off, the night ended with T sending me a txt saying therapy is canceled from this week. I wholeheartedly understand, she’s sick, shes never canceled before. Still, after some disappointments over the day, it felt like a punch in the gut. Also I had to reduce my calorie intake a bit cause my weight loss is stalling, and I can just hear my therapist not liking that. But I am overweight and it is causing health issues.

So here i am, home on a Monday, not really sure what to do with myself.

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In therapy city again. Had a proper cry in therapy today. Full blown. Im trying to lose weight (i am a tad bit overweight these days). And im trying to do that healthily, but the restriction mindset is so readily there. It would be so much easier and faster to lose the extra x kg in an anorexic way rather than in a healthy manner. But i really dont want to upset T either. Not that she would be upset.. but sad. I dont want to let her down.

We also discussed therapy endings becase weve only got 2 years left. How i probably will not be ready in the way we (I?) had hoped for. My inner therapist structure (the object, i guess) is developing ever so slowly.

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Therapy has been okay . I saw T this last Monday. And we have a few weeks of vacation now. Meaning i was off last time, kinda cold etc. Because thats how i react to vacations of hers.

15 days to next therapy session. Only reqson for me not to anxiously wait for that, is the toll of the trip there.

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So i met my new doctor (and a nurse) a few weeks ago. It went okay.. definitely not well. The nurse was superb though.

And the purpose of the meeting was for the doctor to write me more disability pension based on her assessment of my mental state. Ive read her assessment. Def not as thorough as my prior doctor’s, who i adored, but got the job done: my pensionary firm (what on earth i that in english?) already granted me a year. Phew. As long as I go to therapy that is. I can do that!

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I havent written about therapy (or anything else) in a while. I have found the trip to therapy overwhelming. But I have done it. All but two times when the train has been too late and weve done teletherapy instead.

Teletherapy works as well. I can see her even better than IRL, because in real life i still dont dare look at her face. But its neverthelessnot the same. There is an aspect of the emotional part of therapy missing. So I will continue to overwhelm myself via therapy IRL. Wise? Probably not.

Has my therapist suggested I search for another one, someone closer to home? Yes, weve talked about it. I might have told her I will rather tell her Im fine when Im not and tell her the trip isnt overwhelming me when it is, than search for someone else.

I am at the moment sitting on a bench at the mall at therapy city. I just had therapy. I ended up ranting about prior moments with prior psychiatrists and psychiatric nurses. Why? I dont know. Maybe because a few of those experiences really scarred me for life and in a weeks time Im meeting a new psychiatric.

This is long.. might continue later on another post