justatadbit

[justatadbit]

I can’t draw, but I tried. #2am #lsd #acidtrip #scribbles

[justatadbit]

I have thoughts all the time. I might appear calm, somber, and quiet on the outside... but on the inside? once you get inside my head? Hold on tight.

My brain is my best friend and my worst enemy. It gives me courage to stand up for myself, courage to deliver a presentation at work in a clear and concise manner. It makes me happy thinking back to good times with better friends and family cookouts. My brain looks forward to the future, and tells me what I have to do to get there. My brain is my best friend.

And other days, my brain tries to sabotage everything I have, from relationships with family to my own self respect. My brain remembers disappointment when my team lost the big rivalry game. It reminds me of times I wasn’t enough and tells me I’ll fall and fail again. It picks apart my ideas and plans for the future. It worries what people think of me. I hear my brain say all the time, you could’ve done better. My brain is my worst enemy.

Often times when I become self aware of self-destructive behaviors, I can consciously rewrite my thought processes. I listen to my brain and what it’s saying. If i disagree or don’t like what I’m hearing, i can lead my brain to a positive outlook and a plan of action. I begin to recognize my shortcomings and flaws, while formulating a plan of action to escape such negativity. If my brain lets me, I can make myself feel, act, and think positively and responsibly. I can tell my brain, this will work out, and my brain will agree, saying “this will workout just like you thought it would.”

Sometimes, it’s not so easy to change my thoughts, attitude, or opinion.

My brain works all the time, but sometimes in the wrong direction. I have been subject to drug addiction, to infidelity, and depression. I’ve relied on drugs in the past to get me by. To numb whatever pain, insecurity, or anxiety my brain is trying to feed me. It works for a while. Until the next morning when I wake up full of regret and my mom is wondering where I am or if I’m okay. My brain has told me it’s okay to cheat. It was wrong. Even worse, it told me it was a better idea to hide it. To act like nothing happened. To lie. It’s made me a very talented liar and manipulator.

My brain worries about the future. Questions about life, work, and personal relationships arise. Does this person care about me like I do them? Will I be able to make enough money? I guess we shall see soon enough.

Every day my brain and I walk and work together. Sometimes it’s smart, productive, and considerate. Others, it can’t remember a thing, wants to lay in bed all day, and doesn’t care what anyone else has to say about anything.

I don’t understand my brain. It helps me along, while other times it drags me down. I wish it would make up its mind, because I’m. So. Tired.

[justatadbit]

[justatadbit]

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.