justatemptumble27-blog

[justatemptumble27-blog]

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[justatemptumble27-blog]

Being a Dom

I recently read how it seems to be standard practice to have references when talking to a new partner. You give them a list of names, even exs, in the community and online and these people are supposed to vouch for you. While in theory I understand the intent behind it, I wonder if you can understand how tricky this can be.

For one, what if you have never had experience with your surrounding community? Either becauae of lack of access, distance, or in my case actual people. Who will vouch for you then?

Second, exs or people you speak with online. I personally do not see exs as a great starting point. But that's my opinion/experience. Some of mine, even if I could find them, while I am sure they would tell you I'm great at this or that, they would ultimately be critical of our relationship. As I am sure if I spoke to any ex, or partner of the woman I am interested in they would give me mixed information. But again this is my experience and I just don't see it working.

Third and here is my biggest apprehension about what I have seen. People lie, and regardless of who you speak to or look up...in my mind it just isn't possible to trust someone who is giving me references. Because I have seen it backfire.

If you want to set up a scene or play with someone knew, I get that you want that to be as fast as possible. And this idea of references has that appeal. "Oh look, here are people that know and trust me. Here is all my info and my DL. Yes, pry into my life so you feel safe."

1) Slow the fuck down. This isn't a race. If you need to prove your safe that fucking quickly then you are missing a bigger picture from my point of view.

Building trust is something that is supposed to take time. Especially and specifically when you are speaking to someone online. This is vastly, VASTLY different in person. Yes, in person it's easier to talk to people in the community or even find an ex. And that I fully support.

But online is a whole new ballgame and I am shocked at aome of the things I have read that people are doing to either prove they are safe or trustworthy.

2) again...slow the fuck down mother fucker.

Have you ever thought that the person you are giving all this info to may not be who they seem? Are you sure of the persons age to even be having any kind of conversation with them one way or the other?

Or is your ego so great you cannot see the many mistakes that you are making?

When I first got into this lifestyle many years ago I always followed what I believe are the core values.

Honesty, Communication, Safe, And Sane. To me consent was something that just had to exist and if someone said no, you stopped. And that is how I have gone into every relationship. See I don't find a random sub or pet and play out a scene. For me it is extremely intimate and will not do that with just anyone. I don't like to share the power nor the experience. But that is me.

And if you have built up that kind of trust with someone then you will, in my mind, default into an exceedingly close relationship. If you don't then I see an issue. But this is more a personal view point. I do not subscribe to someone having a Dom or Master who is separate from their partner. To me you are cheating on the other person even if they know about it.

And I say that because personally it feels like you are not being honest with yourself or them. If you are not happy with who you are with then they aren't the right person to be with. Couples in relationships make sacrifices everyday, thats true. But why would you ask someone you supposedly love to look the other way while you give at least half of what you are to someone else. You're cheating them and yourself. They deserve to be happy as well with someone who gives them everything back.

Honesty and Communication. You have to go all the way with it. And again, these references are great when in person.

Now if you are online and trying to use this method to get someone into a scene or play with you. Again I have to say SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.

Talk a bit. Talk more. Make time to talk to them if you are genuinely interested. Share a face picture. Talk some more. Share another picture after some time. Talk some more. Do a video chat. Go outside and walk around while you video chat. Show them who you are, and then...maybe after a couple of months...and if you live close enough you can set up a PUBLIC meeting place during the DAY.

Have coffee, talk more. And keep doing this for at least 4 months. Because in my opinion and experience if they stop after three then they aren't worth the time. And that goes for both sides. But don't even think about playing a scene. Don't even mention it. You already know, especially being on Tumblr what each others kinks are or where they may go. But trust isn't about kink. Its about finding that person you can share with who will be there through the highs and lows. Who will catch you if you fall. Who will stay and build you back up and give, not just take.

The whole point of this is to have that fulfilled moment/life. That time when you are with someone and so in snync and know each other so well. Beyond the sexual gratification and power exchange. Beyond the roleplay, the fantasy, the whips and ropes. Its always about those two people connecting on such a deep level that there are no regrets and only understanding.

Its not always perfect. And relationships are never completely perfect. But if you are taking shortcuts and not taking the time to see with your own eyes if the person you are talking to is right for you or not...then what the hell are you doing?