justekasmindx

[justekasmindx]

Basic things seem so difficult for me to do

But here we go

I promise myself that I would get up each morning whether it's a good or bad day

I am going to keep trying until waking up will make me feel like living and not surviving

This. I think.. I just think I can do this.

[justekasmindx]

For the first time, I no longer want to make long term plans. I stop hyping up myself, I avoid saying that I am an amazing person who will make a huge impact. Because who knows?

I can motivate myself as much as I want to but life will happen again.

Right now, I just want to survive a day without breaking down, without feeling like I want to die.

[justekasmindx]

I used to love and want silence, complete silence except the birds chirping, the annoying sound of crickets, and the wind blowing the leaves.

But now I went out of the house, searching for some noise that I want to convert into white noise. Because at home, I might drown from my own twisted mind, the darkness that I let life bring me into.

There may be no one that will talk to me to get me distracted, even just a bit, from it, but I will hear noise. The noise that I need to keep me from doing horrible things to myself.

Now I take a sip of my expensive coffee that I can make at home, it's not practical, yes. But better than having a more expensive therapy and anti depressants.

[justekasmindx]

My mama used to say we're very lucky that we can get into college and be able to ask for what we need, which made me feel guilty and pressured living my teenage years.

Now im reading a book about a parent portraying her anger to her child because something reminded her of her childhood

This made me recall my own childhood, now I feel a bit furious to the point that I wanna get back to my mom and say, "No, we did not get lucky at all, because you're not the one who's providing our education, it is our relatives who made us to school, and now we're grown up feeling inferior of them because we feel what we call "utang na loob". So no, we did not get lucky, mommy."

05.25.25

[justekasmindx]

The little kid in me is really hurt

Because I know I grew up not having much of material things, always giving out what I have

So when I have something, it triggers me a lot when it is being give away without my permission

How can I make my little girl inside me stop crying?

I will tell her.. I am going to work harder so that I can buy all of the things she want so she would not be hurt again if other people take away the things that has been given to her.

She would be full to the point that she would never expect other people to take care of her again

[justekasmindx]

I know when I start to play Niki's music, my mind will reminisce about the old times, I was a fool, but I was happy, I just didn't know.

[justekasmindx]

My hubby just sent me money and it lit up my mood

I told him i'm depressed. He asked if I still had money. I told him I have few. Then he said he'll send me some. I didn't believe him because I know he won't send it until I say so. I joked and asked, can I use it for a facial or anything to make me feel good about myself? He said of course. Then I left my phone. Later on he's asking my mom if I am around and then when I checked, I received a few thousand from him and told me to use it on myself.

I wanted to send it back. I need money, yes, but I always figure out when it comes to that matter, I don't really need it that badly at this moment.

But then I realized I have to learn to receive from him. He needs to feel like he's a provider and I need to feel like a woman. I have to change my perception that receiving does not mean I am weak, it only shows that he cares and I am being taken care of.

[justekasmindx]

I don't know how I got here

Well.. I actually really know. It's just an expression that I use to portray my defense mechanism so that I wouldn't blame myself for making bad decisions.

I cannot say that I wish I could take my decision back because I know if I stayed in my old job for longer than three years, I would feel more miserable.

I got a job after that but I have decided to quit after a week of getting on hand, because I couldn't take the toxicity and my trauma response started to surface. One thing I hate the most is when strangers see that side of myself and I felt embarrassed for being seen as weak and incompetent. This made me feel grateful for being in the right hands on my previous job.

Now I stay, in a relationship that lacks emotional intelligence. I suck that up. Don't get me wrong, I love my partner and I am grateful for everything he does. But everything he does is not intended to make me happy, only comfortable. I think it is safe to say here that I am not happy that he does not work hard enough to listen to what I really want and need. I am afraid his pattern of attentiveness will slowly take away my delight in the relationship. After a hundred times of teaching him how to, he still says he doesn't know. I am getting tired of it and I know I deserve more. I know girl, I know I just have to leave and I should not settle for less. But, I love this man. Let me do everything for him first. God, I hope he realizes that he's slowly losing me because of this pattern of behavior. He's very mayabang how smart and a doer he is. But why is it not being applied to me? Why can't he be smart when taking care of me?

I know, girl. I should never depend on him to be happy and to stand out in this life. It's just that, I never experienced being this safe before. I am safe and comfortable, I love him. He loves me but not as much as I love him. I am loyal and faithful but I am not sure if he can be too. Unfortunately, the basic things are usually missing, the sex, the flowers, the words of affirmation, the romantic gestures. And I feel so embarrassed of myself for even asking for the basic needs. It's an awful feeling that he makes me feel, that I need to ask every time I want the basics. Does he not try to know me? Is he sure that he wants to marry someone he does not know?

Going back, what I am right now, is a complete fool. I try to look at my situation to be a blessing out of bad decisions. I want to perceive it as a gift of freedom to choose what I want, to explore the unknown, to see what really is there for me. But still, there's something in me that is afraid of what I might be, or I might be just nothing.

My partner is the most generous person, and provides me everything in order for me to start again. What if I don't know how to start again? What if nothing works for me again? Oh I know, this is me getting anxious again.

I cannot calm down by being nothing. I cannot. I hope someone will tell me how I can be of something. How can I earn more money so I can pay off all the debts. I don't want to deny that sometimes I just want to leave the Earth. But I know, that I can't leave my loved ones suffering from what I left. I just want to vanish.

[justekasmindx]

Today I took myself on a date.

I did not meet my younger self just like what the trend does. I guess I still did not have the courage to face her and let her see that I am struggling.

I took my 28 year old self, the "me a year ago".

Writing in this initial part of this entry makes me want to sob already. No, I don't want to cry right now, I am sitting at a restaurant I have been eyeing for decades and waiting for someone to bring me here. Finally, I brought myself alone, wearing my most casual, for-errand-shirt with jeans and slippers on - Italiannis.

Anyway, here we go.

Dear self,

It has been a lot to process and still is. Seems like your body is still caged in the trauma that no one would ever understand.

I wonder how strong you are, to surpass all of those and still does with its post effects.

I know I have been blaming you harshly until now. I saw how the confidence has been dragged from 100% to maybe 10%.

I realized that it's a waste of time to blame you, to criticize you more than anyone. It's time for me to take good care of you. It's time for me to say good things to you. You deserve that and we can't rely on others' validation. I love you and I am sorry.

We will start over. Let me write good things about our story. Let me navigate the path. Give me one more chance.

Love,

Your 29 year old self,

Erika.

Feb 18-19, 2025

[justekasmindx]

Can't explain how 2024 has turned me upside down.

I asked for growth and life definitely gave me infinite number of challenges to hone my skills in facing my life in order to "grow"

I am now here in my home town, sipping coffee, trying to promise myself that next year would be different. Feeling hopeless that life will give me another circumstance to learn from. But I wish to declutter stuff which came from my past mistakes.

2024 humbled and strengthened me, while I left the year of my last 20ish phase.

I would ask myself, what are the things I accomplished so far? I survived. I tried to thrive. I failed and learned. That should be enough.

Ugh this is giving me tears right now.

In this world so big, I know I am terribly small, I know it will never revolve for me, but I feel things like they are bigger than it should be.

There's a lot to learn. I am hanging by the thread. But I know I'll survive more.

[justekasmindx]

It's the time where I could no longer contain my emotions again, words are crumbling and shaking upside down my mind which fails me to express, yet I am here, trying to find the words to make this app as my outlet again.

12.11.24

[justekasmindx]

Can't count how many panic attacks I've had these past few months that no one ever knew. Because why would I tell them?

[justekasmindx]

I am so sad and I can't sleep.

09/07/24

[justekasmindx]

I am always hurting recently.

[justekasmindx]

Lord, if he's the right one, please help me to be the best version of myself for him.

If he's not the right one, please give me signs and pull him away from me.

If he's meant to be here for now, thank you that I enjoy being with him.

[justekasmindx]

07/05 07:55 am

I am here laying on the sofa made for sex in a motel, wearing my comfort hoodie. He's there in the bed snoring and sleeping well.

I couldn't sleep because of a story he told me last night, that he's still communicating with a girl he likes as a person for the growth she's had with him. He said they're in the business together, that he's still settling money he owes from this girl, and he's planning to and promised her that he will formulate a business for this girl before he stops communicating with her. All of this is his responsibility because of a guilt he felt for yelling at her and hurting her verbally years ago when this girl tried to love him and he couldn't give back.

I am so vulnerable right now and my thoughts are overflowing my mind, I even had a nightmare and he didn't seem to bother, we still had sex despite him knowing that I am worried and overthinking, I was in need of lots of reassurances, but he chose to sleep despite me telling him that I have difficulty sleeping.

I've even told him that I had a severe headache and I needed medication but he didn't seem to care and I had to call the front desk to look for meds.

This kind of treatment, is his habit, whenever he's tired, he's not capable of handling me and taking care of me. He can only handle sex in the middle of the night. I already communicated this with him last Sunday, he even told me that he doesn't like ruining our day with problems. This is a huge red flag and still I gave him chances, thinking that handling situations when i'm not okay would improve and he would finally show that he cares about me.

I think, I have decided, to put an end to this relationship, right after I pick up my belongings from his apartment.

[justekasmindx]

06/27

Tonight I have been walking on egg shells. Afraid to make a single mistake, anxiously thinking of where I did wrong. I kept on asking why, or what seems to be the problem but I got no answer aside from "I'm working"

This triggers my anxiety. And I hope, this won't make me go distant because my mental health is my priority doesn't matter how much I love other people.