justf11lth

[justf11lth]

once again, coping thru one million yen girl

& now i know that nothing in my life will ever be the same after learning how it feels to lose love. i wonder if i will ever be able to overcome this new fear of love. or will i continuously find it throughout the course of my life & run from it-time and time again.

i no longer feel deserving of love nor do i trust the authenticity of anyone's love but my own. idk what i want to be honest. all i know is i am more scared of being hurt than loneliness. so, i am trying to find peace in solitude again, where it wont feel so lonely & full of longing.

i should have done this from the start but I was desperate to have someone to lean on again. now i feel double the pain. so weird how someone i knew for only a brief moment in time could leave such a strong impression on me. never thought i of all people would fall victim to this type of virtual love. but i guess it's also not so surprising as i am someone who longs for deep personal connection-often hard to find in this fast-paced world...even more when you tend to be so different from most people. and after my last deep-tied friendship, i was left feeling too burnt out to form new connections or strengthen current ones. real life interactions had slowly started to become such a pain. i started to prefer doing everything by myself to keep my sense of peace. i didn't have to worry about the possibility of dealing with someone's bullshit if i was doing it by myself. and if i met someone while i was out, i could just as easily walk away since i held no real tie to them.

but then i met him one day. someone with the same overall taste for things & morals. & understood me all while matching my freak. & was interested in conversing with me & listening to my yaps. i got so so lucky. & i felt truly comfortable. i loved talking to him + gaming together. & at such a vulnerable time of my life where i had no energy for interacting with people yet still missed the experience of having a close friend to talk to about the mundane, i was so lucky to have made a friend i could talk to where I wasn’t left feeling exhausted.

until our friendship grew so strong i wasn't so comfortable anymore. i was scared. i knew our friendship would only grow stronger from here on out. and i knew i would grow greedier as well. because when i love, i love very deeply, even platonically. though honestly with him, i liked him so much as a person i couldn't help but wonder what if one day we were to become something more than just platonic. embarrassingly thinking about the what ifs of such a friendship at my grown age.... & so, i started to face a constant battle as to whether or not i should ghost.

when i lost my first love i regretted not walking away when it still felt like i wouldn't be losing a major part of my soul; so i promised myself i would never make the same mistake again. so i guess i should be proud of myself for having the power to walk away this time before my affection grew any stronger. though to be honest, it's hurting just the same. finding someone you connect with so well & that understands you isn't easy. i will forever cherish it, although doing this might weigh on my heart for years to come. as pathetic as it may be, i think i will compare every guy i now meet to him. both friends & romantic interests. even then, they would never compare because he was my version of perfect & there is only one version of a person in this world. i wish i could have told him these things but it wouldn't have meant anything since i was leaving. to be honest, i didn't want to include any affectionate words in my last message to him at all, as that would probably make dealing with my abrupt ghost easier. its like, the more resentment you have towards someone the easier it is to hate them and not care that they aren't in your life anymore. but i couldn't help but tell him a few positive notes, i figure knowing you weren't the problem is better than thinking you are. & after doing something so pathetic like ghosting, ig i still wanted him to think at least a little well of me. idk

i hope he meets someone deserving of such a star like him. i hope the next girl he becomes attached to is an emotionally healed ray of sunshine that will treat him deservingly. i hope he never gets hurt again with his kind love.

might be a fantasy but i hope when i am ready to give out and accept love i can meet someone as great as him again. or maybe i will forever be haunted by the what ifs and never get over it. its hard to think i will easily move on & let go when he's the best i've met. a literal dream. though i only knew him in a certain type of way, i'd like to think he was his most authentic self.

so all i can do is cry now cuz i miss him lol

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i find strength in the movie One Million Yen Girl and her courage to walk away from situations that affected her peace no matter the attachment she held to said thing. i strive to be as carefree as her when it comes to moving on. I understand the end message is that you must eventually overcome your fear of commitment knowing it might cause you pain...but at least for now I will keep running away just like her.