justjen2121-blog

[justjen2121-blog]

My body. My choice.

With the current assault on women's rights happening in the country, I thought I'd share a story I've never really talked about with anyone. When I was 26, about 6 months after I started dating someone new, I realized I was pregnant. At first I didn't understand why I felt so disgusting and more tired than usual all the time. When I almost puked while outside smoking a cigarette at work it dawned on me (because I was actually considering going inside to barf - and if you know me, vomiting is something I'd rather die than do [unless I was too drunk to care about it]) Immediately I was filled with dread - and I hadn't even confirmed my worst fear yet. But later that day when I pulled the pregnancy test from the two pack I had in my bathroom cabinet - this was not the first time I'd taken one - I could feel this time would be different from the few other times I'd taken one before. This time it would read positive. So after waiting the eternally long however many minutes those things take, I saw the dreaded two pink lines on the test that meant that in fact this time, I was indeed knocked up. I wish I could say this was a totally unforeseen outcome, that I was doing everything in my power to not become pregnant, but that simply wasn't true. Turns out that the pull out method is not a great method of birth control. I'd been on the pill on and off since I was younger, but my array of social phobias makes it hard for me to make appointments so when my prescription ran out the last time I just didn't go back to the doctor. Also I had convinced myself that I was probably infertile since I'd managed to go 10 years without this ever happening before - I thought I was invincible. Ohh mid-twenties...how I don't miss you! At any rate, there I was, chain smoking cigarettes sitting on the floor of my bathroom staring in disbelief and shock at the pink plastic stick sitting in front of me. What to do now? My boyfriend lived out of town and was coming to visit that weekend...but it was only the middle of the week. I couldn't deliver this kind of information over the phone so I had to keep it to myself until I could see him in person. Those few days were agonizing - not to mention the morning sickness. Still not sure why they call it morning sickness when it lasts all day and night. I guess another way to minimize the hell that is being a woman. I knew what I wanted to do, but the waiting to tell him was awful. I was so anxious and nervous about what he would say - how he would react. But finally Friday came and he was on his way to visit me. When he arrived I told him I needed to tell him something and when he asked what it was I told him I was pregnant. "What do you want to do?" he asked. "Take care of it." I said. And that was it. Decision was final. Thankfully he agreed. Not much discussion really. I'd only known him a short time. I wasn't ready or prepared to have a child. I'd never particularly wanted a child. Sure, we could keep it and it probably would have been ok. I had a job making not terrible money and his job was much more profitable and secure. I just didn't think it was practical or fair to bring a kid into the world. So on Monday I called the clinic. "Hi, I'm pregnant and would like to have an abortion." It was all very professional and business like. They told me what I would need to bring with me...mainly just the cash I think. I forget the exact cost but a few hundred dollars. No insurance would be accepted of course. They gave me the date of the procedure and that was that. Then I had to live the next few weeks knowing there was an alien foreign thing growing inside me. I felt gross and huge and disgusting. The day of the procedure came and we went in together. It was early in the morning and I was one of the first ones there. They only did procedures on certain days so it was like a cattle call of girls getting abortions and their depressing partners or friends or parents with them. They called us one by one to take a pregnancy test...you know, to make sure there was something to abort. Then they took us one by one into a separate office to be counseled. I don't really remember what they said but it was basically 'you know why you're here and what's going to happen'. Then they took us one by one into an exam room to have a transvaginal ultrasound...not really sure why that was altogether necessary. Perhaps to get an accurate reading of how far along we were. I was six weeks. I saw the ultrasound photo clipped to my folder. They gave me some ibuprofen to lessen the pain. Then they took me into another exam room to have to procedure. There was at least two nurses and the doctor. They rolled out what looked pretty much like a shop-vac. It hurt more than I had anticipated but not excruciating...tho I don't know what I was expecting. It was over within minutes. The nurses talked to me while it was happening. I told them I was moving in the next few weeks. Off to the recovery room for a bit. Then it was time to go home. There were protesters outside the front door. Classy...but there were volunteer escorts to walk us to the car and make sure we weren't harassed. Back home for a day of rest before working the overnight shift later that night. I didn't cry at all. I don't believe life begins at conception and I never felt any sort of connection to the microscopic ball of cells in my uterus. I never regretted my decision - honestly I think it was one of the best decisions of my life. I'm sure some women agonize over the decision to get an abortion but for me it was really the only option. I didn't want a child. It took two people to make this happen and neither of us did anything to prevent the situation from happening. Ultimately it was my choice. And a choice that every woman should be able to make for herself. I'm not saying abortion is the right choice for everyone, but for me it definitely was. And no one else should be able to determine what I do with my body - least of all a man. I don't think everyone has to agree with abortion - but just because you don't doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to have one. If you don't like abortions, don't have one. Simple as that. I only ever told a handful of people about my abortion and never once in detail. It's just not something that comes up in everyday conversation. Also, it makes people uncomfortable and they say things like 'oh, I'm sorry'. No - you really don't need to be. My abortion only effected my life in positive ways. I know that's not the case for all women. But I feel it's important to share my story now so maybe other women won't feel shame or guilt about it. Every woman who has had an abortion has a story. This is mine. Luckily for me, since I no longer sleep with men, my birth control is now 100% fool-proof.