justneverwiser

[justneverwiser]

everything’s going to be okay. i’m going to be okay. everything is going to work out for the greater good

[justneverwiser]

feb 4, 2024

I EMBRACE MY INNER STRENGTH AND RADIATE CONFIDENCE

[justneverwiser]

feb 4

friday night into saturday early in the morning, i was having one very long panic attack

one of my best friend's husband called me a bitch. i was at a party, and everything was just fine. i started gossiping, something i had been doing all night. something in him snapped and he started questioning every thing i said. interrupting me. antagonizing me. i don't remember what i said to make him react so drastically. and i don't remember the last thing he said, but he ended it with "you bitch."

you bitch.

it's all i have been hearing since friday night. you bitch. you bitch. you bitch.

i see his smug face, i see my best friend's scared face. i can feel the air being sucked out of me. i walked away. rather than fight back, i walked away. i knew instantly that no matter what i said, he would have a snarky response. so i walked away, pretending to look at my phone and respond to a text.

he kept going though. antagonizing me in front of my friends and family. two men in my family stood up and walked out of the room. the only one who defended me and called him out was my older sister.

he never apologized, not that night. he kept arguing with my sister. no one was saying anything except for those two. i had enough, trying not to cry and show defeat or weakness. i announced that i was walking home and tried to leave. there were some protests, but i couldn't even look at anyone around me. because the tears eventually came. someone hugged me and then i left.

i sobbed the whole way home. drunk and in the dark. i really felt like i couldn't breathe. i don't think i have breathed normally since that night.

i felt so gross and belittled. no one has ever called me a bitch in such a hateful and insulting way. never. and from someone i considered a friend. the way the only two men in the room walked out without saying anything. i've never been so aware of being a woman. for being hated just because i am a woman. a woman with opinions and doesn't let men walk all over me. he knows that. and he used it against me when i was drunk, high, and vulnerable.

he delivered a note today, apologizing for being a "drunk asshole." i don't know how to feel. i feel like i'm expected to forgive and forget. was it as bad as i feel like it was? are my memories of the night overdramatized? if i don't forgive, will i lose my best friend? do people at the party think i was being too sensitive?

i wish i had someone. i'm very alone. that's all i could think when i got home friday night. i laid in my bed sobbing just wishing i had someone who cared. all my friends are gone, all my friends have moved on, all my friends have a person. i'm truly truly alone. i wish i could be more optimistic but right now, i feel so.... alone and small. how do i complain to people who are at their best? who are happy and in love and in the best place? why on earth would they want to listen to me?

[justneverwiser]

[justneverwiser]

TAROT CARD PULLS FOR FEBRUARY

"what does february look like for me? what should my goals, aspirations, and affirmations be for this month?"

QUEEN OF WANDS - upright

courage, confidence, independence, social butterfly, determination.

put yourself out there, don't be afraid to be yourself, talk to new people, be confident, let people in, focus on your goals, speak up for yourself, be the positive change you want to see in the world, don't be afraid to be a leader, let your charisma shine

ACE OF WANDS - reversed

emerging ideas, lack of direction, distractions, delays

focus on what you want out of life, find out what is you want out of life, find out what your passions are, take time and contemplate what it is you really want before jumping in headfirst, be patient and wait for the best opportunity to move ahead

[justneverwiser]

january 2024 reflection

i tried to be something i'm not; unemotional.

my goals this month were the exact opposite. instead of facing my worries, i turned my back. i lost touch with what i wanted to achieve.

my biggest goal this month was healing from past wounds, which i struggled with.

although, as i'm typing this... i realize i'm being too hard on myself. i did heal. this month i went on vacation, to a sunny island. beautiful and bright and warm and sweet. i was with people i loved, and felt connected to my family for the first time in a long time. i had a freak out moment, which happens. and me and my dad... talked. a serious conversation. about trauma and healing and why we have felt so disconnected. i got to share a room with my brother and sister, i thought i would hate it, but i didn't. i laughed A LOT. i felt peaceful. the ocean was right outside my window and i wasn't scared.

i've been laser focused on the disconnection i feel with my friends, and didn't look at the fact that i built up 4 bonds on that trip.

this month i did achieve my goal. in 9 days i was able to detox and really look at who i have in my life. life is hard, and friends move on, but i have a family that cares. they love me. i love them.

thank you january,

you felt long and torturous as the days passed, but looking back i can spot the sunny moments quicker than i can spot the rainy ones. i want to forgive and i want to let love consume me. i deserve to be loved by everyone who is showing it to me. it would be an insult to push it away, wouldn't it? selfish even... if they love me and care about me i should let them be vocal about it. it doesn't have to feel weird to be loved. just let it happen. feel loved.

[justneverwiser]

[justneverwiser]

wishing you a day that feels like sunshine on your skin

[justneverwiser]

my vacation will be fun and restorative. i will have time to relax and be in the sun. the ocean is a reminder how big this world is, and i am part of it. how lucky am i?

as the water dances around my body i will feel a sense of peace. all of my worries and fears will wash away, i will come back feeling anew. i am in love with life! life is in love with me!!

[justneverwiser]

dear january

thank you for being good to me so far

[justneverwiser]

I AM OPEN TO HEALING AND RELEASING EMOTIONAL WOUNDS!

[justneverwiser]

“A huge amount of freedom comes when you take nothing personally.”

— Don Miguel Ruiz

[justneverwiser]

be cringe about your interests!! be embarrassing about the things that matter to you!! be unashamedly annoying with regards to the things that make your world go round!! the world is a better place because of it!!

[justneverwiser]

[justneverwiser]

my mind right now :

𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒✨💓💵🌸📖💭💗🥂✨🎀🤍𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 📝💕🩰💫🎧🏹💞💐💅🏽💘🧾💲🧿💓🧁💒🛍️💕🧋🫧🪩🏙️🎀𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒✨💓💵🌸📖💭💗🥂✨🎀🤍𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 📝💕🩰💫🎧🏹💞💐💅🏽💘🧾💲🧿💓🧁💒🛍️💕🧋🫧🪩🏙️🎀𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒✨💓💵🌸📖💭💗🥂✨🎀🤍𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 📝💕🩰💫🎧🏹💞💐💅🏽💘🧾💲🧿💓🧁💒🛍️💕🧋🫧🪩🏙️🎀𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒✨💓💵🌸📖💭💗🥂✨🎀🤍𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 📝💕🩰💫🎧🏹💞💐💅🏽💘🧾💲🧿💓🧁💒🛍️💕🧋🫧🪩🏙️🎀𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒✨💓💵🌸📖💭💗🥂✨🎀🤍𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 📝💕🩰💫🎧🏹💞💐💅🏽💘🧾💲🧿💓🧁💒🛍️💕🧋🫧🪩🏙️🎀𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒✨💓💵🌸📖💭💗🥂✨🎀🤍📝💕🩰💫🎧🏹💞💐💅🏽💘🧾💲🧿💓🧁💒🛍️💕🧋

[justneverwiser]

this month i...

will love myself

will start being more careful with my money

will move forward, not backwards

will look for the good in everything and everyone

will be ground

will find stability

will take in and admire my surroundings

will be thankful for all the beautiful things and people in my life

will be unashamed and unafraid

2024 is my year. everything i want, i can have. this is my year. this is my time.

[justneverwiser]

january 6 2024

i am happy

i feel confident

today someone told me i looked pretty and it made me feel so good

i am making plans and i am excited to see them through

this month, for me, is about moving forward. moving onward. everything that happened last year, it's now in the past. i don't have to stay in that same place.

it's OKAY for me to feel okay!!!!

it's time to start thinking about what is best for me! THAT is okay!

other people do not have control over me or my emotions. it's not selfish for me to want to be happy. everyone else is working on themselves, everyone else is finding themselves. it's time for me to do the same.

finding happiness. finding ME. that's what this month means for me. finding balance, stability. find a course and stick to it. i will stop limiting myself and thinking less of myself.

i deserve love, too. i deserve to love i deserve to be loved

dear january,

please bring me happiness and guidance. please help me through the rough patches i know are bound to come. please be gentle with me, i am still finding my way. please allow me to love. please allow me to feel all my emotions thoroughly and unashamedly. please let others feel my love for them. please help me show others that i deserve to be loved too. please be good to me, january.