justoutsideofdoncaster

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

15:30 19/06/25

Blog #34

Flying to Canada tonight. So it begins.

Had a very stressful day yesterday. The anxiety was taking over my body in these great waves of heartache and panic. Complete helplessness. At it's worst it reminded me of a panic attack, but it never got that bad. Some things I cannot control. Today I feel a lot better. I am excited for a lot.

New friends

Sunbathing

Being outside a lot

Chatting with old friends

Being away from the internet, being productive and creative

Being brave

Overcoming difficult things

Seeing my favourite band in the whole world. Life is good.

Exploring Canada (a bit), seeing Niagara Falls !!!

Being even better than last time

Getting tanned lol

Being reunited with my gorgeous gorgeous family at the end :)

Whatever life throws at me I can manage. I am lucky. I am brave. I am safe. I am an adult. I can handle my own problems. Don't ruin the present by worrying about the future.

Whatever happens, I'm going to be tanned, have seen MCR, and a great life will be waiting for me at the end of this summer.

I need to fully live in the moment to be ok right now. Don't use any critical thinking. Are you excited? Are you nervous? Who gives a fuck. My thoughts aren't real. They are not me. I am just experiencing them. What's real is my actions. Pretend you are someone else. Someone who wouldn't care. A main character in some obscure show that got cancelled after season 1 and now has a cult following. Remove yourself from your mind. Live moment to moment. Action to action. Deal with it when you need to and don't waste a moment worrying about shit that might never happen.

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant i am not pregnant I AM NOT PREGNANT I AM NOT PREGNANT I AM NOT PREGNANT I AM NOT PREGNANT I AM NOT PREGNANT I AM NOT PREGNANT I AM NOT PREGNANT I AM NOT PREGNANT

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

14:59 06/06/2025

Blog #33

I'm listening to Remember Sports rn. so good. just rediscovered Tiny Planets, Out Loud, and Saturday. SO GOOD !!! COME TO THE UK !!!

Soooo played a lot of hockey last week. Trained with Cyclones, Vipers and Eton !! Unfortunately tho I fell and bruised my lower spine and it now hurts to skate so I was probably not the funnest person to be around. I got paranoid I was being quite annoying actually. I'm quite annoying when I'm even the tiniest bit hurt. And I'm being clingy and rude and blah blah blah ANYWAY! That's in the past so don't worry about that. As always, move forwards, be self aware but not too self critical, be better next time. (I'm so dramatic but also beautifully obsessed with self improvement.)

We went down to London and I met his parents. I was so nervous because I'm me but god they're lovely !! obviously !! He's so shy but it went really well I think. Honestly I was more willing to socialise than he was. Hopefully they like me, and not just in a they're-nice-people-and-like-everyone way. Met all that cats. I love them all obv.

Bad day yesterday. His car broke down. He was super distressed and annoyed and angry and sad about it obviously. And that made me super stressed and sad. I cried because I'm a big baby but I talked to M about it and she made me feel better. I'm too nasty about her. It's not fair and I don't want to be that person. She was good a good friend and I had a shower and listened to music and felt better. I went out to the awards night. It was fun to see everyone one last time before summer but also sad :( . I got tipsy super fast because I gave blood (I gave blood ! It went fine as usual, even though I was stressed and hadn't eaten anything lol, also signed up to the stem cell register bcs why not). We went Keller after and I got those pitcher cocktails and they're actually so good. Played some pool and then went and got food with L. She was fully sober so I probably looked a bit messy lol but she's too nice to mind so DON'T get hangxiety!!

Today I'm just doing stuff I like. Some chores. Drawing, reading, will probably play Life Is Strange 2 !!! My fave games ever (that and Night in the Woods).

Byeee !!

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

the secret:

only eat when you’re hungry

stop when you’re full

29/05/25

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

Your mum would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder

And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor

As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

And in this room, one afternoon I knew I could love you

And from above you, how I sank into your soul

Into that secret place where no one dares to go

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

26/05/25 21:58

Blog #32 ??

im not feeling great atm. Been a bit anxious and sensitive all day. Idk if it’s my period or what. The walks helped. I need to cry I think. I can feel that would help. I just feel bad in myself. Ugly and fat and self conscious and confused why anyone would find me attractive or want to date me. I feel my flaws heavily. My personality. I wish I’d shut up more. I wish I could be busier and more interesting and miss him less and text him less and act less like an annoying clingy girlfriend. He insists he misses me loads and that he wants to annoy me all day but it only ever feels like on my side. He’d rather be on his phone or when we’re together than talk or just hang out. When that’s all I want to do. Does he see that? I need to ignore him for a while. Meanwhile I’m wearing the shirt he left here. What a joke. I feel like so ugly. I’m back to the start when I couldn’t fathom why he’d like me. It felt like a joke. It still does. Like he’s under some weird spell that’ll break any minute. Maybe it already has. I don’t understand. Maybe he just likes me for my body, but even then I just see the flaws. And I can never gain weight. I need to cry. My chest hurts. I’m gonna go brush my teeth and then listen to Remember Sports.

Get Bummed Out

I Liked You Best

Clean Jeans

Leap Day

Where Are You

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

18:37 26/05/25

Blog #31

MONDAY (@ mums)

Bored bored bored.

More importantly, got loads of fomo. teach me to never go home. i missed pub golf. i'm missing M's bday bottomless brunch. i'm missing N before he goes home. although tbh I didn't wanna go golf, i was still exhausted from going out. it was more that he was leaving early. i miss him so much. he misses me, sure, but he barely texts, it frustrates me. he's on his phone all day. i just want to message him little bits about my day but part of me stops myself because i feel so needy and pathetic when he doesn't even reply. the fomo is killing me. I almost cried earlier so i took the dog on a long-ish walk in the rain. made me feel better. I just love my people and i want to hang around with them as much as i can in comparison to these people that just make me irritated and self conscious. i'm being so dramatic... but i am proud of myself for not cancelling. i used to be such a flake and now i'm really not !!! except for certain people. that whole thing. oh well -

*also,,, I've noticed i'm being way too negative about certain people when i am uncomfortable. M is a messy friend at times (drunk mainly), but that isn't a free pass to be nasty. It's made me dislike myself, which makes me worried others don't like me. My mum. Him. He holds me in fairly high regard. and i don't want to ruin that. I want to be the kindest person i can for him.

i survived the year !! NO drama!! idgaf about the shit with my flatmates !!! i'm so happy that i stuck to my 'stay out of drama' rule. i stood up for myself, but also this year was so much easier so. I did what I wanted, and stopped worrying so much about others. Maybe a little, but i still made time for everyone. next years gonna be so lit, i'm just heartbroken it's my last year in notts. what's a girl to do? not think about it. that's what.

ALSO ALSO!! WE WON BoN !!!! I was an idiot /// im shit and its super embarrassing,,, but the after party was fun so idc. I'm excited to play twice as much hockey next year!

Ok so,, I've only gotta make it to thursday. ignore my socials. i care, but i've gotta make time for family so. it is what it is. make it to thursday. three days. you're missing one social event. you'll be ok diva.

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

11:38 19/05/25

Blog #30

LONG TIME NO SEE!!

I haven't written in ages. Been mentally very busy. A little anxious and exhausted at times too. I want to be really happy at the minute, I think the amount I'm going out -> having a lot of hangover days -> poorer mental health. Who'd have thought!!

Finished second year! Final hand in was a couple weeks ago now. Just a powerpoint. Nicely done though, he made be do it all the night before instead of in the morning which was good lol. I also got a mid 2.1 on my AWFUL collab work so that's pretty crazy?? Next year I'm getting that first !!!

Because uni's ending there are so many socials going on, and so many birthdays. I'm so busy omg! N's bday the other night, SUCH a good night out. Such a sweet guy. Got him a sick minecraft mug and made him those sunglasses like I did for M, he loved them!! Feel a bit guilty for telling N I bought them. I really didn't need to do that at all. I hope H didn't take offence. Met some new people and basically just talked all night. And saw my gorgeous friends, I'm so happy I met. I love them all and they make me feel so loved. H bless him, he's so broken. I don't know what's wrong with him. Vitamin deficiency? Low iron? He's not built for going out. He asked if I wanted to come back to his yesterday and I said no, he needs to revise and also he's in a bad mood, so we'd just be sleeping all day. Sorry, not my job. I'm not trying to make him feel bad for being in a bad mood, I'm glad he can express that around me, but it's also not my job to hang out with him all day when I don't even have the ability to make him feel better.

Anyway anyway, hockey game is tonight!! Need to find something to wear, it's supposed to be formal. I'm undecided on whether I wanna go out tonight. My body is so sore because I've been sleeping way too much and I've done no exercise in basically a month. It's so bad, but next year I'm doing twice as much hockey which is exciting!! Just not good for the hockey game lol. Anyway, not much left now. one for social after tonight, then I need to go see my Dad's family, plan a day with K, some easter holiday stuff with R and J. Maybe a holiday with H? And then camp !! crazy !! So excited for a busy summer :)

That's all I think. BYE

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

02:46 07/05/25

Blog #29

FUCK!!!! We slept through ice hockey. We slept a LOT. I’m so sick of napping lol, but he is so sleepy. And horny. And ill. It’s annoying. But I’m also full of love. He has to accept my flaws so I have to accept his. I think it’s actually healthy that I’m finding him a bit irritating sometimes because it means I can have time alone. I was supposed to do my uni work today but I guess that’s tomorrow’s job. I’ve got time I’ve just gotta smash it. I waisted today so I’ve got to make tomorrow extra count!! Also the voice in the back of my mind telling me I ate way too much and didn’t burn it off. It’s ok it’s ok it’s ok. I won’t eat tomorrow it’s ok it’s ok. My lunch was super yummy though. I’m addicted to burrito bowls atm! And it’s so healthy, good mix of proteins and veg!

love you loads, look after yourself, stay mindful and reflective.

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

22:56 29/04/2025

Blog #28

Tuesday!

Uni today. I was so anxious waking up. I messaged asking not to do the performance and was allowed to be cameraman instead. I was sure they all hated me, but no. They were lovely. I had so much fun and the girls were amazing and brave. Once again I am shown that my anxiety is a liar. I wish I had performed. It would have been so fun. That's why I've decided I'm applying for freshers rep next year, as well as social sec !! Because why not ? I want to try everything. You only regret the chances you don't take or whatever ... I might regret it, but freshers week is only one week of my life, and I'm always bored out my mind at the start of the uni year. Also ! I may regret social sec, but once again, it's not that hard. It's just effort, and my course isn't all that severe, I am so happy right now that I could definitely take this on.

I did my 'solo show' photos today too, god I was so sweaty in the studio today. It's so so so sunny but so hot ! I was on my own so I couldn't put my stuff up on the wall lol... it's ok a guess just a bit of a flop to the end of the year. Ok. In the afternoon I met up with A and A after they finished uni. We got snacks and ciders and ice creams from the ice cream van and sat in the park. It was lovely. Naturally it turned into an A rant session but I don't mind so much, he's a lot but I have missed my babies and I'm happy we had a little pinick.

I have some fun plans for tomorrow too, but I'll leave it here for now. I'm gonna watch some youtube, curl my hair and call it a night! BYE!

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

23:17 28/04/2025

Blog #27

Hey !! Happy April (it is,)

After a lovely easter break / week away in Cornwall I went straight back to uni to grind out my work!! Needed to get my solo exhibit work done, and also missed him so dearly. He asked me to be his girlfriend that week. I'm so happy. He keeps telling me how happy he is at the moment also. We've agreed we spend too much time together however, like all new relationships, and make sure to spend time apart.

The next two Nationals weekends were super fun. We came second in womens, and my team came third. Both losing to Oxford, which annoyingly but also happily we absolutely smashed 6-2 in the BUIHA cup this weekend! WE WON! AND I SCORED A DOOZY! So proud. I love hockey so so much at the minute, it's given me so so much. I'm at such a happy yet bitter-sweet place right now. The hockey season has ended (except Varsity), second year is coming to an end, people will be graduating this summer or moving teams. Nothing will be the same next year and it breaks my heart a little when I adore this team so so much. But it makes me feel so so so fucking grateful. I love uni, I love hockey, I love my friends and my family and my life. I am so fucking lucky to be surrounded by so much love and luck and light and it would be so so rude and ungrateful to not celebrate and make the most of that. I mean, two years ago I would never have seen myself where I am now. So happy. So free. Even last year, which improved so much, was much more difficult. To think I almost quit hockey?? But it makes me proud to know I wouldn't have. I didn't. I keep going. I keep making things better and they keep getting better. Trying new things was once so so impossibly hard. At one point I was so sure I could never do anything new that I didn't see much hope in living, and now here I am. This year has gone so scarily quick, and I think it's because time really does fly when you're having fun. Cringe. Love is cringe.

I don't have much uni left. The collaborative gallery exhibition (just do it) and my solo show this week. The hard part - showing up and being brave- is all really tomorrow. Then it's just writing and submitting and hoping for the best. My course is so technically easy I can't complain, or rather all I can complain about is how pathetic it is. But let's not rant about that now. I had so much fun with my most recent paintings, I grinded out three of over about 4 days - impressive work !! They're experimental and exciting and new and I am proud that they will be my final submissions for the year. I did more paintings this year, which was my main goal. I will do even more next year.

That's all I want to share really,

I am happy but I need to work hard this week to make the most of my course and the gorgeous weather or I feel that happiness might slip.

Lots of love,

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

I want to kill you

if you don’t beat me to it

I won’t forgive you

but please don’t hold me to it

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

11:02 10/04/25

Blog #26

Happy Easter !!! I’m on Holiday!!!

Finally broke my hangover streak on Friday/Saturday. The drive down to Cornwall was a bit bad but I was mostly drunk or asleep so I got pretty lucky. Really fun night, wish I hadn’t got so sloshed but I do think it was funny tbf… except the Uber Incident, but tbf I was so black out I don’t see how I’m entirely responsible…

Cornwall!!! Had a lovely few days so far, so so sunny. Trips to the beach, eating loads of seaside food (diet starts Saturday lol), went to the aquarium yesterday and saw a blind sea turtle and an octopus. First time I’ve ever seen one! She was so beautiful and clever and inquisitive, it was her lunch time so she came out of her little house. I got two little octopus keychains from the gift shop. We’ve also chilled in the hot tub and read my book a lot. Having such a lovely time. I need to go swimming still though! The sea is so beautiful and clear and blue down here. It’s freezing though, and even though it’s sunny the breeze is chilly enough that it’s hard to sunbathe in a bikini. But not complaining considering it’s early April.

Today we’re going for a coastal walk which I’m excited about. I loveeee a long walk where I can just spend hours not speaking with a gorgeous view.

He’s been calling me each night. He said he misses me the other day. Which is nice, and normal because we spend so much time together, I miss him too, but it was sweet that he said it (he refused to repeat it). I haven’t stopped thinking about the issue. But I know it’ll work out. It won’t work itself out. I have to make a decision, so I’m mentally preparing myself. Exposure therapy. I don’t feel forced, and I don’t think I’ll regret it, because that’s not really the sort of relationship I have with the issue. I know, like everything, I have to try. I used to hate that. ‘How’d you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried?’ . But it’s all changed now. I think with him it’s changing. And I think I could do it.

Also!!! I’M HIRED! I have a camp for summer!! YAYAYAYAYY

I’m doing counselling and pottery. I would have preferred a mixed roll like my previous camp - archery, fishing, ceramics etc, but they also don’t have three day trips at this camp so that’s a positive. I’m not sure about days off, and it’s not near any major cities, all in all this camp may be not as good as my previous but I’m positive I’m going to make it better, because I’ve got experience now! Very excited now! Otherwise I’d be doing nothing all summer (realistically I’d be going on holiday with him and my girls but this is better and maybe I still will!) so so excited, YIPEE! It’s also in Ontario and finishes a week before MCR !! OMG YAYAYAYAYAY -> HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEE <3

Uni wise, lots of work to do next week! I submitted my terribly Collaborative presentation. It’s awful, I recon I’ll get a mid third or something. However, got a high 2.1 on my writing! Same as my optional module. I recon I’ll end this year on a 2.1, which is sad but low-key not even deserved considering how much more effort I could be putting in, so yay! I can definitely get a first in third year. Still, I’m gonna try smash the end of this year to see if I can get a first in my physicals, fingers crossed.

see y’all soon!!

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

16:47 31/03/25

Songs for girls who can't love the right way

Get Bummed Out - Remember Sports

Waking up just to say your goodbyes, feign composure but I know you lie. I know you try so hard - so so hard.

Can I count on you to just make up your mind?

I'm moving my feet so I can try to get over you before you're even mine. Hoping you'll call so that I can ignore. You were confusing but I can take care of myself, I just wish sometimes that I didn't always have to.

Bite The Hand - boygenius

I can't love you how you want me to

I can't love you how you want me to

I can't love you how you want me to

I Liked You Best - Remember Sports

I will regret

But I liked you best

You made this mess

But I liked you best

A Pearl - Mitski

You're growing tired of me. You love me so hard and I still can't sleep. You're growing tired of me. And all the things I don't talk about.

I'm sorry I don't want your touch. It's not that I don't want you.

Waiting Room - Phoebe Bridgers

I wanna make you drive all night just because I said, "maybe you should come over". Wanna make you fall in love as hard as my poor parents' teenage daughter. She'll be the best you ever had if you let her.

And I can wish all I want, but it won't bring us together. Plus, I know whatever happens to me, I know it's for the better

I know it's for the better

Fuck Me (I Didn't Know How To Say) - Crawlers.

I wanna be kissed like when I was small

I said it was fine in your defence.

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

12:01 28/03/25

Blog #25

HI!!! XD

Sunny today. Actually it's been sunny a lot recently. And warm. Spring is arriving, thank god. The trees are starting to grow sprouts and the blossom trees are already pink and white all over the city! There's construction and all directions of the house at the minute and it's loud and annoying, but strangely reminds me even more of summer.

My birthday was lovely, I think because I constantly reminded myself that there's no pressure. And there really isn't. I feel so so loved this year. I am so grateful of my friends. A lot of people came out after work or even if they had an early morning the next day. I and C drove up, B literally flew in. I'm so so blessed. I bought me so pretty tulips and D dropped off some lilies the morning of the party with my favourite chocolates. What beautiful people. He brought me lilies too, pink ones this time! They're blooming on my desk right now. The warm sun is on my leg and my room is full of pictures of me and my friends and family. How beautiful?

The party went great, everyone had a nice time and got on well. People didn't stay out super late but that's fine, I am grateful they came out anyay. D baked me banana bread cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. SO good. H also brought me some buns. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!! <3 My only regret is stressing about others and not chatting to everyone enough, and not getting enough cute photos!!

My bday dinner was super yummy, we went to a new Italian place, very tasty! I opened my presents and ended up going back to uni in the morning because I just felt it was best to spend it alone, mum was working and R went to school - K offered to do something but I declined, I know I'm being paranoid. I went to the park

So i started writing this and then he walked in. It's been three days noso it feels insincere to attempt to continue to write whatever it was I was trying to say. So there, you get half an entry. What I will say is I think I touched heaven in the park, laying in the sun, birds tweeting, listening to Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here' Album. Un-fucking-real.

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

21:11 19/03/25

Blog #24

The months going so fast. I feel very busy.

I am disappointed but not surprised. Hurt again. Angry. But I knew this was going to happen almost. There’s that victimising part of your brain that makes up these scenarios, and I tell myself to stop feeling sorry over things that haven’t even happened. Stop fantasising. But also, they prepare you. That’s really what a lot of it’s for. To prepare you for when someone hurts your feelings. So you can say I knew it. So you can brush yourself off. I don’t know. I’m just so annoyed because I forgot. I let myself believe there’s no way she’d do this. I would never do that to her. Out of everything that’s important she values this, so surely she’d know how important it’d be. That’s the only way she has any sympathy so surely this one thing she’d get. But no. She’s so so so selfish, self centred. How could I forget? That’s how this relationship works. She puts herself first, I put her first. I upset her, I apologise. She upsets me, I move on. Because she’s never wrong, it’s never her fault, I’m being dramatic. The worst part is is that I didn’t want her to come. I hate hanging out with her. I hate babying her. I hate when she’s drunk and stupid and winy. So I’m relieved she’s not coming. But it still eats away at me that I will never get vindication. I will never get an apology. “Don’t be mad” “it’s not worth it” not a single I'm so sorry. And then she has the nerve to say “I’d rather do something just the two of us.” “You know I’d be anxious-“ It’s MY birthday? How are you still making this about you??? Insane. She’s so blind to it. I’ve realised she’s my at-home version of A. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t come either, but once again it would still hurt deeply. I keep letting this happen. People keep disappointing me and annoyingly I'm aware it’s partially my own fault. But at least I have self awareness.

sorry that was all a big vent. My heart felt so hot earlier. This has made me feel better. I know I'm going to have a good birthday. There’s a few people I know I can rely on, and I love them even more for it. I was thinking of going to the theme park on my birthday, I want to, but I don’t know if I’m going to be rushing too

Yesterday was amazing. It was really sunny, like actually close your eyes and feel the suns warmth sunny. Me and H drove up to the peaks with my dog and I took him on one of the walks I sometimes do with mum. Ended up making a great choice, it was beautiful! We had a really nice time, pub after. Today I went back home again, because I didn’t have uni and it was sunny again. I attempted to bake banana bread. Awful job. It was sort of edible, although I think my family would disagree. I’m usually pretty crap at baking, which sucks because I love it so much. Took my dog out again. Didn’t do much uni work, that’s a job for when I get back. On the train now! Home soon :)

I can’t stop eating! I hate my body! I’m back up on my weight again. My bday party is in three days. I’m going to starve. I don’t care. I want to be skinny for myself and also for him. He doesn’t eat much. And also her. She pisses me off. I want to be skinny so she can see that. I want to be 55 and I’m just not putting in any work. I hate my body at the moment. Back to ONE meal a day please. Please. The ball is in 9 days. I can drop some weight in that time. PLEASE LIL. PLEASE. I need to not only think this after I’ve binged. I need to think this when I’m hungry. In the mornings. Skip breakfast. First meal is hardest. Please please please please please

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

22:38 08/03/25

Blog #23

HAPPY MARCH! The month of new beginnings ! The month of rebirth! The month of changing for the better! This will be my month if I have to carve it with my hands. I want to lose weight. I need to. It is my most important goal. Everything feels better when I’m skinnier. Everything. I am currently 63kg. My goal weight for the end of this month is 55kg. Easy! This week:

Battery for my electric scale.

Throw the bread away.

Giving up sugar and bread for leant!

Drink water everyday

Finish book

I haven’t written in a while. I’ve developed a nasty habit of procrastinating it. When I started I was so excited to write everyday. I think I do this often. Build a task up it my head, so it feels like a job. It’s not. Just click on the app and you’re off. Writing isn’t a chore, it’s a relief. It’s a gift. There’s been a few things I’ve wanted to write and didn’t, now they’re lost.

At dads this weekend. My head hurts because I’ve eaten so much. I feel so fat. Tomorrow I’ll skip breakfast, go on a walk, have lunch and skip tea. When I get home I’ll throw out the bread. I’ll starve this week and do a food shop on Friday or something. Just fruit + veg, protein and noodles is an ideal diet. Healthy carbs. Fibre. No dairy really! Eggs are great. I feel really fat. I’m so sick of giving up. I could be so skinny right now if I’d committed in September or January or a month ago. Just commit for fucks sake. Boat ball is coming up.

About him now, there’s always a him update. I’m obsessed again. I love spending time with him. Being in bed with him. I went to his house a week ago, met his idiot flatmates. I think I made a good impression although I felt so ugly. I think they’d rate me 6/10 at best. I think I’m a 5 on a regular day. 6 when I’m dressed up. He thinks I’m hotter than the other girls. I can’t fathom why. For a while I thought maybe I’m not mega attracted to him but no I am. I think when you get to know someone, get past that initial star struck, rose tinted obsession, the crush drops a bit, but then it builds back up in little moments. Watching him smile or explain something or rub his eyes when he’s tired. He’s so cute and pretty. He’s a pretty boy. I am paranoid I’m being a bad person, letting him skip lectures or get poor sleep. He’s always tired. But I’m gonna be better at that. God that list is piling up now isn’t it? The ‘I’ll work on that’ list. Be more of a girls girl, don’t be so mean when you flirt, say thank you, complain less, don’t be so obsessed… idk, I’m working on all of it. I’m a lot more aware than some people my age.

I finally cracked my painting block, it was what to paint I was stuck on, I just ended up picking a picture off Pinterest and painting in oil. Mixing it up. Something quick and low stakes! Back on the grind.

So yeah. Lock in actually starts tomorrow. Health is wealth. Education is a blessing. I will make the most of my life.