justsomeprojection

[justsomeprojection]

i might just have the worst year of my life

[justsomeprojection]

New rule:

If I got on a date with a man and his nails are either 1)dirty or 2) not clipped and flied. I will be assuming he did not have plans for us to have sex and therefor I will not be having sex with him.

Hopefully this will assist with my compulsory sexuality.

[justsomeprojection]

TW: Pedophilia

Teenagers are rarely taught the reason why they can't consent to sex with adults.

And that's because teaching them that would completely unravel our coercion-based society.

It can be difficult to explain in detail the exact reason and all the specifics in a way that they will understand. But the simplest way to phrase it is that in some cases, even when someone agrees to something and even when they appear enthusiastic about it, there's too much of a power imbalance that it's no different than forcing them. Also, having power and being abusive doesn't require a conscious expectation to be obeyed.

Imagine a world in which every teenager understood that and was easily able to call out anyone who tried to convince them otherwise.

They'd know that there's no such thing as an employee consenting to working for a poverty wage, working in unsafe conditions, working long hours, or working without taking breaks. They'd know that there's no such thing as consenting to paying a bank overdraft fee. They'd know that there's no such thing as consenting to student loan debt. They'd know that there's no such thing as consenting to medical bills. They'd know that there's no such thing as consenting to generating profit for banks or landlords in order to have a place to live and being evicted or foreclosed when you lose your source of income. They'd know that there's no such thing as consenting to a police search. They'd know that there's no such thing as a child who's okay with their parents spanking them. They'd know that being dependent on someone does not mean that you can never criticize them. They'd know that if it's considered abusive to simply play along when someone obeys, then it has to be much more abusive to actively expect to be obeyed, which many adults do to them.

And people who benefit from a society based on coercion masquerading as freedom wouldn't like that.

So instead, teenagers are taught something dismissive. They're taught that what they want doesn't matter. They're taught that they're too young to know what love is. They're taught "it's the law". They're taught things that are insulting to their intelligence, which they'll naturally rebel against.

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I wonder if any of their names will show up in history books 50 years from now as individuals that participated in a coup

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So… full confession,,, the porn has beaten my ass again.

It’s still a work in progress

But I’m working

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As a hypersexual kid, watching the Simpsons Movie and seeing Bart Simpsons penis, might’ve effected me more then I originally thought.

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Me and my erectile dysfunctional

Guy who didnt satisfy his partner during sex cryign and punching himself in the balls going STUPID STUPID STUPID!!

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I want to read Klance fluff fan fic but I keep remember the fan fics I read where they involved Cosmo and 🫠. Sex addiction can real ruin some normal joys.

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Why tumblr 😭😭why

forgive me father for i have sexualized an older man

[justsomeprojection]

Okay, so honest update.

I masturbated. Intentionally.

This was the thought process and what I discovered:

The biggest reason why I went cold turkey was because I haven’t had a good relationship with sex my entire life, and I’ve been trying to figure out what healthy looks like for me.

Before I even learned about consent I was already down a rabbit hole of sexual indulgence and extreme fantasies due to a history of abuse as well as unmonitored access to the internet. I didn’t really get a fool explanation of what consent entailed until high school. And that came from the president of my GSA club. I was lucky have met that person, because if I hadn’t I would’ve probably done things I’ve regretted (more so).

Before then it was only the very basics you learn from watching TV: ‘no means no’, if a girl is screaming to get off of her you listen… Ya know, the none helpful and lacking depth explanations. (Ps, I only learned this stuff by watching SVU and porn growing up, no one ever talked about it).

I say all that to say, my relationship with sex and consent was no where near healthy. And after learning what true consent was- it took me a long time to unlearn a lot of rape culture. And to some extent I’m still learning what it means to practice it. Truthfully, we don’t really understand how much rape culture is embedded in our society until you actively start deconstructing you views on it. But this is besides the point.

Fast forward, I’m 25 now, and I promised myself years ago I wouldn’t still be struggling with this by this age. And I failed. I didn’t do the leg work. I kept rushing through hookup, and chasing fast nuts. Not building proper relationships. More importantly tho, I don’t want to let my future self down. When I’m 30 I don’t want to be struggling with this.

So, I went cold turkey. I think it was about 3 weeks ago. I had a manic phase where I desperately searched for the right thing to masturbate to. The thing that would give me that high. Or the right person. And everything kept getting stale, so I found myself on the darker sides of the internet again. Searching the doujinshi tags that should be as popular as they are. Considering reaching out to a hookup that is very in healthy for me. And none of the nuts were worth it. Nutted multiple times a day and they all sucked. Even tho I enjoyed the doujinshis, and the fantasies. They all sucked. The shame creeped in, the questions of my self worth, and if I was just going to keep going until I was just like my abusers or most likely dead. (Cause out of the two I’m choosing death, I made the decision a long time ago.) But, I’m not ready to die so, I have work to do.

The past 3 weeks sucked. 😭I was craving sex so bad, but not only sex- the rush of the more ‘taboo’ stuff. Wanting to open MyReadingManga, or Twitter. Go through some very specific tags on AO3. All just to find the taboo shit. But I didn’t. I haven’t. And I don’t want to.

However, today I bought a new toy. And just as I was getting ready to go to bed I said- why not. It didn’t derive from self loathing, nor a desire for a rush, no intrusive thoughts, none of the red flags. I was just excitement about pleasing my body, and what new sensations awaited. That seemed like a healthy headspace to be in.

It was just me, a toy, and a YouTube video playing in the background to keep my ADHD busy. I made sure to change my focus. The goal wasn’t to nutt, or the past the time. It was to learn. I wanted to know what things I enjoyed. Did the texture of the toy feel good? What position did I enjoy? What pace? What should I do when I got too tired to move or too bored with a position? If i was with a partner or partners- what would I want that to look like?

And, I had a good time. It wasn’t glamorous. My body deff got tired, and I know that if I was with a partner I would’ve gotten insecure and struggled to advocate for myself. But, I was there, and I could trust myself. I did things that felt good for as long as they felt good. I took deep breathes and actually tried to feel the pleasure that was in my body. Tried not to allow myself to get so anxious about my penis not getting hard, or my body getting tired. I used as much lube as needed without worrying about wasting it and needing to buy more.

I just allows myself to enjoy sex and to accept myself as I was in the moment. To enjoy sex without those things that tickled my brain. And it felt good. So now I know that I can.

It’s still a long journey a head. And I deff can’t play like this on a regular basis, so I’ll likely still be practicing restraint. I am also still swearing off porn for the time being- probably indefinitely. But, I’m deff going to focus on figuring out when I’m in a healthy headspace to masturbate, and go from there.

Edit: literally 16mins after posting this. I still have a strong urge to watch porn and masturbate. I laid down after eating (post nutt treat) and my brain instantly was like ‘we should look at porn’. And I will note that since I have nutted my brain is more willing to look at porn. It’s like ‘well, we already nutted so what’s the harm in looking at some Hidashi (hiro x tadashi) porn’. So… masturbating in general might be a gateway. I’ll have to make sure I’m able to restrain myself from going down the rabbit hole after masturbating.

I’m also still insatiable. I want to do it all over again 😩 and more. Plus add a few people. I just wonna get fucked up 🫠. In all the good way. It feel like all I did was prep work. Which… maybe it was. More research has to be done. Will make future posts

Trying to go cold turkey on sex and porn. Never had a healthy relationship with them, and never knew a time without them. So, I’m trying to reconnect with my body and self. 😭but fuck I’m horny. The goal is just to have a healthy relationship with them. But I don’t think I’ll know what looks like until I discover what life is like without them.

[justsomeprojection]

Felt

my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with 19th century russian literature character

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alright I reflected on the self. I'm 100% sure the beasts are the issue here

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Basically

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And obviously, this makes it so much harder not to masturbate or indulge in porn.

I’m sad and beating my meat could give me chemicals that I want. I can look at doujinshi, or read something freaky that could substitute the loneliness.

But… that’s so hollow.

I want my nutts to be full of joy.

Plus, post nutt depression is soooo real.

So, in regards to my potential work friend.. I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

We now only see each other once a week cause of schedules and stuff. We haven’t exchanged numbers. Naturally we haven’t really gotten to know each other. I’ve dropped a few hints that I would enjoy talking more- there wasn’t any bite from what I could tell.

And then today I kinda embarrassed myself.

I’m aware that my nervous system is overreacting a bit. That I’m a bit sensitive to rejection, I also get very obsessive when something brings my the slightest bit of joy, and I’m a bit starved for meaningful connection. So, what is honestly a very normal trajectory of speaking to a coworker once a week, for barely 5mins at that, feels like… idk, a one sided pursuit that amplifies my loneliness.

I haven’t made a friend since fucking high school, and I’ve fallen out of touch with most of those. Since it’s just been casual coworkers that i never see again once I leave the job. And as always, making friends through hookups never works for anyone but lesbians. I just now stopped participating in serial monogamy. Meeting someone on an app, fucking, ‘dating’, breaking up, random hookups until the next dude, rinse and repeat.

I deeply yearn for a meaningful connection with someone, preferably a group of people. At some point I realized I started to devalue platonic connections, and just prioritized finding a romantic partner (which I substituted with sexual partners). It was all lacking substance.

But fuck, making friends is so hard. And it always had been. At least in school your forced to interact so to some extent you find your place on the social ladder. As an adult you can kinda just become.. invisible. You have to actively partake in the world around you, and eventually it’ll start partaking in you. But you’re sort of a few paces behind when you didn’t do any leg work during childhood.

Im going to keep at it tho. Indulge in my hobbies and see if I can find people with mutual interests. Start wearing more clothes the scream ‘hey, I like this thing!!’ And if all that fails I’m always working with my self relationship so that I’m not avoiding being alone.

[justsomeprojection]

So, in regards to my potential work friend.. I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

We now only see each other once a week cause of schedules and stuff. We haven’t exchanged numbers. Naturally we haven’t really gotten to know each other. I’ve dropped a few hints that I would enjoy talking more- there wasn’t any bite from what I could tell.

And then today I kinda embarrassed myself.

I’m aware that my nervous system is overreacting a bit. That I’m a bit sensitive to rejection, I also get very obsessive when something brings my the slightest bit of joy, and I’m a bit starved for meaningful connection. So, what is honestly a very normal trajectory of speaking to a coworker once a week, for barely 5mins at that, feels like… idk, a one sided pursuit that amplifies my loneliness.

I haven’t made a friend since fucking high school, and I’ve fallen out of touch with most of those. Since it’s just been casual coworkers that i never see again once I leave the job. And as always, making friends through hookups never works for anyone but lesbians. I just now stopped participating in serial monogamy. Meeting someone on an app, fucking, ‘dating’, breaking up, random hookups until the next dude, rinse and repeat.

I deeply yearn for a meaningful connection with someone, preferably a group of people. At some point I realized I started to devalue platonic connections, and just prioritized finding a romantic partner (which I substituted with sexual partners). It was all lacking substance.

But fuck, making friends is so hard. And it always had been. At least in school your forced to interact so to some extent you find your place on the social ladder. As an adult you can kinda just become.. invisible. You have to actively partake in the world around you, and eventually it’ll start partaking in you. But you’re sort of a few paces behind when you didn’t do any leg work during childhood.

Im going to keep at it tho. Indulge in my hobbies and see if I can find people with mutual interests. Start wearing more clothes the scream ‘hey, I like this thing!!’ And if all that fails I’m always working with my self relationship so that I’m not avoiding being alone.

[justsomeprojection]

It was hard to sleep last night.

First it was fighting off being horny.

Then back to back nightmares.

Which oddly enough, did not get rid of the horny 😭. I just kept waking up, reflecting on the dreams, while horny was lurking in my pants.

And the nightmares had nothing to do with horny.

Granted, I should’ve went to bed early. Instead of staying up past midnight. Deff going to try to sleep early tonight.

[justsomeprojection]

Do you have a weapon?

[muttering feverishly] I need to chase that man around my gothic manor in a silk nightgown