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july 11th ~ andi’s 6th death anniversary

i miss you so much my angel. so fucking much. guess by now, we’re together again.

if this gets posted, it means i’m w you already. 

i’m sorry if i didn’t get to pull my life through. i’m sorry for leaving. i’m sorry for lying. i’m sorry for all those pain i’ve caused on each and everyone of you. i’m sorry for being selfish. lastly, i’m sorry for giving up.

see to it that i’m doing well. pain free. worry free. anxiety free. so don’t feel bad ~ cos believe me guys, i’m happy wherever i am rn. 

cheer up! don’t blame yourselves, cos i wanted this. 

i’m okay! so please go on w your lives and forget abt me.

love,

joshua

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an open letter to those who had hurt me and left me when i needed them the most:

dear all,

i know y'all know who you are. knowing me had been a curse and bad luck for y'all i figured that you guys had to team up against me. i know i did stuff that weighed everyone down but i never did all of those intentionally. i’ve been sincere to everyone, you guys knew my situation but y'all took advantage of it. you guys knew my weaknesses that y'all had to pull that card against me.

i’m sorry for being that person who weigh people down. i’m sorry because i’m toxic. i’m sorry for not helping anyone of you whenever you need me because i’m too focused on my overly “exaggerated” problems. i’m sorry because i’ve never been a good friend to anyone of you. i’m sorry because i lied so much that i forgot who i really am. i’m sorry because idk who i am. i’m sorry because i’m crazy. i’m sorry for being the most draining person in your life. i’m sorry for sucking all the life out from each of you. i’m sorry for always being negative. lastly, i’m sorry for blaming my mistakes on each and everyone of you.

there’s this person who i thought i can trust but ended up saying shit against me which made me feel like i’m the worse person in the planet. there’s this person who i thought was a friend but ended up going against me. there’s this person who hated me so much that he had to screw my wife, i mean soon to be ex wife. there’s this person who’s so good with brainwashing that it forcefully made those people i love look down on me. there’s this person who i thought understands me very well only to find out that it was all fun, revenge and games. there’s this person who “changed” for me but she never did, she’s the same old slut i used to know. there’s this person who i thought was my life partner but ended up knowing that she has more lies to hide. there’s this person who used me. there’s this person who made fun of my weaknesses. there’s this person who made me want to give up. tbh, i’m blaming no one but myself. y'all treated me that way because of my wrong doing. it was all me. i understand you guys, don’t worry. i totally do. it just stings a little..no it stings so much. a lot.

you know guys, i have pure hatred in my heart rn. it feels like burning, if you guys ever felt that, i tell you it hurts as hell. my heart hurts so bad. i feel like someone sucked my soul out and i am now left w nothing. do you know the feeling when you think you’re just a body trying to survive and get on w life? i am just a body. i have no purpose. no life. nothing. i am alive but dead inside. my eyes were screaming out for help but no one saw it. no one noticed because all you guys saw was those shit i did to people. what abt you? are y'all that clean and perfect? tell me if you are.

it sucks to be alone. it sucks to look and feel pathetic. i am having a hard time rn and idk how to recover anymore. help isn’t gonna work as well. i just feel dead. i feel betrayed because of myself. i feel lost. i am not well, not at all. you guys are lucky, know why? cos each and everyone of you has a family they can depend on. no offense to my siblings tho, i love them. it’s just that i feel like i drag them down too. like what i did to all of you. ugh idk anymore. idek why i’m writing this here. i hope this ends my karma. i hope no one catches this bad luck. i want gavin to grow up strong like aj. his father. i just want the best for him.

just so y'all guys know, i am not dating anyone. another thing, i’m now back in mississauga and it feels empty. it’s dead. there's this deafening silence and it hurts my ear. there's this ringing noise and i want it to stop. idk how. idk where it came from. i just want this silence to end.

thank you guys for leaving and i appreciate everything y'all have done for me. don’t worry, i understand. i will always understand.

happy easter you guys, and goodbye.

sincerely,

joshua

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the baby giraffe tho

Sure, the universe is a vast, lonely, and scary abyss—but there are also baby animals, so who cares!

[source]

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Daily Inspirational and relatable quote pictures! Follow for more.

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the truth hurts that’s why people leave. they just can't accept some people for who they are. understandable.

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🌳🌳🌳☀️ my first ever pair of sperry came from her :)

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y'all thought i will never know. have fun guys!

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that constant struggle between “i can’t show my symptoms or i’ll be a burden” and “why doesn’t anyone realize i’m suffering?

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Adidas Ultraboost 3.0 l Parley l Uncaged

📅 May 6th

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chanel - frank ocean

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I would’ve stayed till you opened up and let everything out…

Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why (via wordsnquotes)

this though

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these requirements are ridiculous for a $650 per month apartment. i don't even have a regular income unless i sell shoes here. the world is so unfair.

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whenever i get anxiety attacks, i think of my lil monkey.

whenever i feel like killing myself, i think abt him hugging me tight not wanting to let go of me.

so please self. live for that one person. even tho everyone turned their backs on me, i should remember that there’s this kid looking up to me. a kid who wanted to ride the skateboard like me. a kid who wanted to understand a video game like me. a kid who wanted to dive and swim like me. those things may all be rly shallow, but for that lil man, it’s his goal as a toddler. and i will never end that dream for him cos i never loved myself.

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very true. ppl can be monsters.

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too many nmd release i'm crying

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They say that actions speak louder than words, But I am a poet, not an artist, and words are all I have. So I hope that when each word melts from my lips, they drown your thoughts with beautiful pictures, so maybe you just might believe me once day

blue-eyes-xo  (via wordsnquotes)