justuwuthingsblog - Tumblr blog

[justuwuthingsblog]

Imagine living a life where you get bullied and mistreated by your classmate and teachers at school, having so much stress over school work, come back home to getting insults from your father and you have no choice but to deal with it cause you still got homeworks and school reports to finish then sleep for only an our, get ready for school, also get a daily dose of insults from your father before you go to school, go to the school's restroom and cry about it before entering class, and then get bullied again then get a scolding from your teacher for having failing grades then yells you about ruining your future and being a disappointment to your family over a goddamn grade, then having another fight with your bully, come home from school again, get insulted once more being left alone at home with so much school work while you get haunted by the death of your loved one that mattered to you the most. All that bagage you had to carry while you try fighting your anxiety and depression. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. And people still hate me because I got everything and people be comparing their problems to mine as if they ain't that bad. Well congratulations!! You are stronger than me and I'm just a nuisance to the society. Fuck you for invalidating my emotions!!! Fuck you!! Yawa ka!!

[justuwuthingsblog]

My cousin's death anniversary is next month. I am reminded by the days when I did nothing to take care for my cousin when he was in life support. I'm useless. I did nothing because school held me back. I put my studies forst before my family because I was too optimistic that he'd be fine and come back home safe after the accident, but I was wrong. Since that day, I never wanted to pursue PT anymore, never. I don't see the point in finishing it anymore. All it gave me was pain, more pain. It never served me well. I just endured the pain for years, forced myself to finish the program but never wanted to. I felt trapped. Sir Randy was right, I was never sure if the path I was taking was what I wanted because I never wanted to be a PTRP. I was just forced to stay on that path because of fear of judgement that people will say I wasted my time and that I don't deserve ro be there with this mindset, that I wasted my parents' money for nothing. They are right. I don't want it. I don't deserve it. I never did.

What studying PT taught me about life? You need good grades to be on track and to be respected. They have a mindset that they are better than everyone else. They have high ego. I don't want to be somebody with a high ego, I want to stay humble with who I am and with my job and achievements.

[justuwuthingsblog]

Nobody takes me seriously. Everybody thinks I'm dumb and that I know nothing about life and when I finally got to prove that I'm not, they still think so otherwise. Nobody respects me. A lot of guys invade my space and touch me thinking it's okay. They all see me as an accessory, an object. Nobody empathizes with me because they see me as somebody who has her life together. Nobody cares if I get hurt, they all think that I'm just overreacting and that my life is all flowers and rainbows. People blame me for not getting a date, because they see me as someone who is too shallow about people. Everybody hates me, they all think I'm annoying for being anxious and depressed all the time. People love to hurt me and insult me all the time thinking it's okay. Men take advantage of me and use me all the time at the same time get mad at me when I call them out from their actions. Men are too aggressive with me, they don't respect me at all, they see me as some toy but they can respect other women but not me. What's wrong with me? Am I not as valuable as other women? Am I worthless to you?

They blame me for everything. They say it's my fault I never get a date because I'm such a snob. Try being in my shoes, being mistreated by these disgusting men ever since I was a child. Having creepy old men chase you around in public as a kid when you got lost from your mother's sight. Having random strangers just grab you and invade your space thinking it's okay. Having guy "friends" to flirt with you and play with your feelings without even thinking that they're sabotaging your space and emotions. Men thinking it's okay to violate you and blame you for what they did. Being verbally, physically, and emotionally abused by boys during your childhood. Boys telling you you're not good enough. Men giving out sexual comments about you thinking it's okay and that it won't insult you. Getting blamed for the reason boys jerk off to you. And now the world is mad at me for being too cautious around men? Do you actually think I lived a fantastic life as a child? No. Do you think I had everything in place? No.

Why do you see me as somebody who is worthless? Why do you people treat me this way? Why does society have to tear me apart? What did I do to deserve all this? Am I not good enough? Do I worth less to you? What am I to you? Am I just an object? Do you not see me as a person? Tell me? Do I look like an idiot to you? Do I look like I get everything I wanted in life? I wanted respect, that's what I ever wanted in life, I never get that though. Am I not worthy of respect?

[justuwuthingsblog]

ctto

[justuwuthingsblog]

I don't see the point in living anymore. I'm just so tired. I don't understand myself anymore. A lot has been running through my head. The pain, it's numbing me but at the same time torturing me. I don't feel any emotions besides being depressed. My hands are shaking, my breathing is too fast, I can't calm down. I just, for once, I just want to be free. I feel trapped in my own emotions, I want to break free from all the hate, the guilt, the anger, the sorrows, the pain, the tears. I want to break these chains that's been suffocating me. I am drowning in my own mind and I can't swim to the surface to save myself. I just want to be set free, from what has been imprisoning me.

I want to break free from this cage and fly away like a free bird in the sky, together with other birds who have been trapped in the same cage for so many years. I want to be able to know what it's like to be happy again, to find the meaning of life.

I want to know how it feels like to receive love instead of just giving and not getting any in return. I want to see the world in a whole new perpective. I just want to be for once not feel alone in a room full of people.

I want to breakaway from everything that society tells me what I should do. I want to be able to speak for myself without any care of what society thinks of my opinions. I don't want to fit in to be accepted, I want to be accepted because I stand out.

I want to break free from the emotions that has been torturing me. I want to get away from this chaotic world and be able to do what makes me happy. I want to be free from all the abuse and manipulation I have been getting from the people who I cared the most but took advantage of me. I want to break any connection I had with the people who had been holding me back and dragging me down when I wanted to soar higher.

I want to be free from my anxiety and depression. I want to be free.

I want FREEDOM.

[justuwuthingsblog]

i got inspired....

[justuwuthingsblog]

bring out the boss b**ch

[justuwuthingsblog]

itty bitty titty committee

[justuwuthingsblog]

tw/ suicide attempt

i was so close, so close to ending my life. i lied to my therapist about not attempting suicide, but i actually did, a couple of times.

i was getting sick more often, because my depression got really worse. i've been having mental breakdowns, panic attacks, nightmares, and paranoia. people started hating me because they all think i'm going crazy and i was getting really annoying but the truth is, i have been struggling mentally and emotionally. my depression gradually got worse with time, following teachers pressuring us and making us feel bad, our coordinator humiliating us, stress from all the school work, stress from the people around me, and of course who would forget that one kid who keeps bullying me, blaming me for his failures that he did himself and constantly just humiliating me in front of our classmates and our teachers. all those stress together with my poor mental health, it was a huge breaking point for me. everyday i would come home shivering, screaming, crying, because i was just tired. i was tired of life, i was tired of waking up everyday with no meaning and direction. i had a lot of anxiety, i was paranoid. i thought i was going crazy. until i saw a cable of a charger of a phone on my desk, i tried to wrap it around my neck til i was suffocating, but then i heard a sound of a motorcycle beep, it was my father, so i failed my attempt. the second time, i came home alone again from school, i tried drowning myself in a bucket of water, but i failed because of fear, so i just gave up. everytime i came home i would always breakdown and cry, always had a lot of panic attacks. i tried self-harming by suffocating myself with plastic bags or a cable charger. i had been getting panic attacks at school as well but everybody thinks it's just normal for me so they don't seem to mind.

i was always alone, at school, even when i talk a lot with my friends, i still feel alone and when i get back home from school, i was still alone. i felt really empty like i was already dead inside. i came to a point where i would always get sick, all the teachers knew i was very sickly, it was because i was always depressed that even my immune system is giving up on me. i had a lot of absences from school and even went to class having a fever multiple times. then there came a time, i had my dengue fever for the 3rd time, (2nd time in just one semester). i wasn't getting better. my platelets were always decreasing each day that even our doctor seemed like she lost hope for me. in that moment i thought, maybe this is it. maybe this is my time to finally find peace. so i decided i should better end this now, at least i could finally take a rest from this world. so, i decided not to eat or drink anything from that moment. whatever solid or fluids they gave me to consume, i wouldn't take. and so i've been getting epistaxis and a really heavy menstruation that wasn't in the normal time to come. so my platelets got lower and lower and i was already willing to accept it, my body lost a lot of weight, i got really weak, and everytime i tried standing up, i'd get really dizzy. i still continued not to eat or drink anything so that i could finally claim my tranquility. one day, the doctor came, she said my platelets were always decreasing and it was really low. she just hopes my platelets would increase even just a little and if it did, she might already put me on discharge as an outpatient. my mother started crying, because she was too scared of losing, and for the first time, i saw my father crying too. i heard my father has been going to church everyday to pray and asking a lot of his friends what to make me drink to increase my platelet count. my mother would also pray all the time with me. one night after the doctor's visit, my mother came to me and cried. she told me to be strong because they didn't want to lose me, my father, my brother, and my sisters were all sad for me. and so my mother vowed that i will take a semester off when i finally get better. she told me to pray with her, for my recovery. i thought to myself, maybe i was being to selfish, leaving my family behind, who cared for me the most, i know how it feels to lose somebody who is important in your life as i actually also lost my cousin almost three years ago. i might have stepped crying but i still remember and miss him very much. that night we cried inside the ward and prayed for my recovery.

so i started to eat and drink everything they tried to give me because i just had to survive, not for me but for my family. and so a few days later, we received some good news. my platelet count started increasing and so i was discharged from the hospital the next day. and so that day, i decided not to take my life away, for my family at least.

but that didn't end my depression. it's still here to this day, lingering, attacking me without any warning. i still cry at day and night, i still get panic attacks and suicidal thoughts but at least my nightmares aren't showing up, for now. therapy has been working out for me just fine but i still struggle though, a lot. but i won't let that take over me anymore. i will continue to live, but this time, not only for the people i love, but also for myself.

[justuwuthingsblog]

trigger warning/ bullying/ anxiety attack

i felt really bothered today. my mother asked me what's wrong. a past experience just haunted me today and made me depressed.

it was when i had an anxiety attack, and a classmate of mine literally just laughed and took a video of it. the next thing you know it, i became a big joke, a huge clown. everytime they hear the word "hyperventilate" they would all laugh and make fun of me, asked why did that happened? i just held my emotions, faked a laugh even though it kinda hurt me a lot. i just said "oh i must be angry" but no, i just had an anxiety attack.

my mother thought, "oh, they must have really felt bad for you" but no, it became a huge joke, a "funny story" to tell to other people but a depressing episode to me. and everyone thinks i wanted that to happen to me, that i chose to be sad rather than happy, but no. i never chose to be sad, it just happened.

this is why i never opened up to anyone about my condition until now, because i was too scared people would use that against me. i know people knew without me telling them what's wrong and still they always make a joke about my mental disorder.

they say to take pain as a lesson to be stronger, but what i've learned from my life's journey is that it's wrong. pain doesn't make you stronger, it makes you weaker and more vulnerable. the things that make you stronger are the people who are there willing to pick you up when you're down. the people willing to help you, encourage you to keep fighting. the people who are there to listen to all your pain and comfort you in the best way they can. the people who will never leave your side in your darkest hours. the people who loves you and cares for you deeply.

the people who gave you pain aren't the one's who made you stronger, they're the ones who drain all of your energy and make you feel worthless. so cut them off of your life and carry on. never listen to what everyone might say about your decision, it's your mental health that should be prioritized more than what people think.

[justuwuthingsblog]

the thing is, i used to depend my happiness on other people, but now, my happiness depends on one single pill a day. it's scary, but after all this, i'd like to depend my happiness on myself and become more independent. and by the time i'll be independent, i will be able to give love back to the people who are currently standing by me during my darkest hours. please be patient with me. i am trying my best to heal.

[justuwuthingsblog]

they “forget” anything that doesn’t benefit their side and push their agenda.

[justuwuthingsblog]

trigger warning/ bullying/suicide

"maybe they liked you"

no! can y'all just stop glamorizing bullying cause they like you? i'm sorry but i'm just sick of parents telling their kids this when their kids tryna open up to them that they've been bullied at school. it's toxic positivity!

bullying can be damaging and traumatizing and could even lead to self-blaming and suicidal thoughts.

i was bullied since childhood, was called insulting names and had boys kick my chair during class, tried to get back at them and the next day, was used as a punching bag. i came home with a lot of bruises on my arms and had to wear a jacket to cover them up. even went home from school with bleeding hands once, and even now as an adult, it still haunts me. i still cry at night thinking about it. i became very depressed and had suicidal thoughts most of the time. it has also affected my way of living for such a long time and it made me feel so alone that i was never deserving of love and respect.

i am not trying to ask for sympathy here, i'm just stating how damaging bullying can be.

so, to parents, if your child tells you someone has been hurting them at school, don't use that "maybe they have a crush on you" line, cause it's wrong, have it settled at school, talk to their teachers or parents and if it doesn't work, have it settled legally. if you see your child has been not feeling great lately and are constantly sad all the time, get them to see a professional and be a support system for them.

this is just to state my opinions and to spread some awareness to everyone. one thing i will never forget what my psychiatrist told me is this: "nobody has the right to take away your human rights!"

if you're a victim of bullying, just know that you are not alone and it's never your fault. never be afraid to ask for help. we can do this together.

[justuwuthingsblog]

have you ever woken up at 3 am and can't help it but cry cause you're already tired of existing?

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[justuwuthingsblog]

yours truly #drawing #art

[justuwuthingsblog]

The demons in my head are slowly winning..