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[juzrnals]

- 25th May 2024, 23:51

This one is real. This one is forever.

I do not worship the stars, though I am greedy for its beauty. But tonight I’m praying upon them that this will be the last piece I’ll ever write about you.

I do not wish to know where you are, who you’re with.

I do not wish to acknowledge you had existed anywhere in my life.

I’ve deleted all of our conversations, all pictures and videos with you, every posts I’ve ever posted with you or the memories of you in it.

I do not even wish to know if you’re dead or alive.

If anybody asks of you I’ll pretend I’ve only known you as the girl who’s obsessed with her manager, and the wife of the manager. No matter what it takes I’ll train my brain to only remember you as that, and nothing more.

This is the last one from me to you. This is my truth now.

[juzrnals]

- 24th May 2024, 19:51

This feels like trying to sleep peacefully in the darkness of your room with your blinds shut on a quiet Sunday morning. But no matter how hard you try to escape the sunlight, they will still come through the tiny gaps and holes.

You don't get to choose when the reality hits, and you don't get to deny it when it does.

[juzrnals]

- 17th March 2024, 23:53

My mind has been foggy and clouded for the past few weeks thinking about our current circumstances. But on top of it today, I’ve been pondering that, there were so many things that could have been done differently. So many things that we could have done to not let it be led to the other. So many words that could have been said to stop it from getting worse. But out of all million could haves and should haves, out of all the possibilities and butterfly effects, of all the infinitity versions of us, I was placed in the one universe where it got to the rock bottom messy.

I keep thinking of how we could have changed this, but of course there is no way to change it. So I opted for loopholes to justify what had been done, but there is none that I could think of too. I keep praying to the Almighty if He can just give me if not a loophole, at least a grey area for me to justify what had happened to us, so we can turn it around and fix this and maybe be each other’s again.

But dear God, there is none.

——————————————————————

I’ve really lost you this time.

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You’re right, I wish all of these were just a really bad fever dream. But it’s not and this is the reality that we will have to endure with, this is the outcome and consequences that we will have to bear and figure out for the rest of our lives. I will keep praying that it will be easy for the both of us. If not now then, soon. I will keep praying that you will find someone who will love you as much as you do them, someone who can be kind to you, who will choose to stay kind to you even when times are rough.

[juzrnals]

- 16th March 2024, 00:03

“Heaven denied, destiny decried, something beautiful died”

I don’t know where to start. God, I really don’t. I’ve been playing Oceans & Engines on repeat. And it hit me that this time, I've lost you for real. No amount of trying, no amount of crying can ever take me back to you. This is not what we both want anymore. And it hurts so bad because if the circumstances were different, I know I will not think twice. Something beautiful had really died this time.

"How is it now that somehow you're a stranger you were mine just yesterday?"

It felt like just yesterday we were driving to Lalaport to watch Niki, not knowing it was going to be the best concert I have ever been to. Not knowing that today, you would become just a stranger to me. Looking back at it, not even Coldplay could beat Niki's. Coldplay was fun, but it was a shared fun between us and everyone else in the crowd. Niki was personal, Niki was ours, Niki was only for the both of us.

"I'm letting go, I'm giving up your ghost"

I guess there really is no point trying now. I will let go of you. I will let go of you and the 3 years worth memories of you. I will start making new memories in my life, leaving you out of every single one. I will go cry in the places we used to laugh, I will cry in the places we used to find comfort in until one day I can finally laugh in the places we used to cry in.

"I know I'll be alright, someday I'll be fine, but just not tonight"

I'm not ready for this right now. It hurts so bad just thinking of me discovering a new song which I know you'll love but I can't share it to you anymore. It hurts just thinking of a new Star Wars movie coming out in the cinema and not watching it with you, ordering regular-sized popcorn to share and you with your Dim Sum Goreng and me with my hot dog. It hurts seeing recipes on my reels recommendations and not being able to forward them to you for you to cook for me. It hurts to know that you will have a whole life ahead of you, you will meet a lot of new people that you will love and I will not hear of a single one of it. I miss you. I miss you so much. But I know I will be better. There will always be a piece of you in my heart, but I will be better. I will learn a life with no you in it, I will get myself familiarized. And I know you will too. It's just not tonight.

I genuinely hope you will find someone who will always choose to be kind to you, even when times are hard. I'm truly sorry that I wasn't able to do that even when I know you out of all people deserved that the most. You had always been patient with me even when I'm not and I'll forever be grateful for you. You're going to find someone who will love you purely and I will be just a destructive lesson in your life, but you will always be my great lost love, Iman. Always. I can't believe I had to lose you.

Goodbye, my love. Please have a good life ahead of me.

[juzrnals]

- 21st June 2022, 20:09

It's funny how I have all these people that I can do everything with, including the things that I've done with you. Probably even more.

But I still seek for you.

I don't want to do anything if it's not with you. I don't.

[juzrnals]

- 20th June 2022, 9:48 p.m.

It's the first day of our attempt to 'give each other more time'.

Or more like, to no longer giving each other time.

To be honest, I'm not doing very good. Today is Monday and all I could think about was how fun it would be if I could be doing work at your cafe while you're struggling to make a perfect latte art for the coffee lovers. But things have changed. As much as I'd like it to stay to how it was in May, it's already June. And the timing of it all had never been more perfect. You're back to campus now, back to putting your studies above everything again as it should always have been. Your life is going exactly as before you met me. So I'm guessing it wouldn't be that hard for you to live as if I had never came into your life too. And that's good for you.

But it hurts.

While it's great that you are keeping yourself busy, it hurts that you have options to distract yourself from dwelling over me. Not that I want you to be sad, but it would be nice to know that you are missing me too. But I can't be selfish. I've been selfish for as long as we were together. So I hope you'd take every chance you get to distract yourself from remembering me with no regrets. I hope you'll enjoy your days as usual, as you should. It's going to hurt, but I'll take all the hurt in the world if it means you can forget me.

Just know that I love you. I always had. I'm sorry I failed to remind you of that often. Please be happy.