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jxnmzko · 9 hours

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i don’t fuck with asmr AT ALL but i wasn’t able to sleep and i listened to videos from this and knocked me tf out

youtube

#Youtube

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jxnmzko · 2 days

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i finally hung out w my cousin and bitch im embarrassed it’s actually so cringe i wanna just curl up and die. She mentioned how i used to like this MAN but bro i acted so childish and told a friend of mine to tell him i liked him cuz i was so scared to and when she did i felt grossed out by him and avoided him like a fucking plague bitch but i still wanted validation and would do cringe shit 😭😭 then he’d tell my cousins boyfriend and he’d tell my cousin like wtf bitch i will kill u with a gun mf tf. Anyways i’m embarrassed with the way i acted bc i didn’t rly want him but i wanted validation and was too scared to talk to a man since it had been like way too long and now im reminded of that and now i rly do gotta run away bc how u gonna perceive me like a stupid bitch like that huh like now i gotta kill myself and now it’s triggering the part of me that cringes at my existence but it also can’t b that bad cuz worse has happened and i’ve forgotten about it so yeah plus even if i was that cringe and weird he wouldn’t have gotten me a christmas gift like a year later ? like im over anazlyizinf fr fr now bc i got him a gift for his bday which was close to christmas and it was thoughtful AS FUCK BC TJAGS MY LOVE LANGUAGE BITCH. and then we stopped talking and he got me a gift an ENTIRE year later like what???i would never do that i rather save money than on a random dumbass lemme save my coin fr anyways had to get that off my chest u will never see me yearn for a MAN or ever yearn in general AGAIN and it also got me thinking about how embarrassing i am when i have a crush like mf EW But at the same time also not ew bc i care and am shy but i will b loyal so maybe fuck off n die idk but yeah i lost 12 lbs through healthy eating and not starving myself like yes period

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jxnmzko · 8 days

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it’s kinda crazy how you actually start to see the numbers go down on the scale when you start to eat healthy like i’m not even kidding i’ve been keeping track of all the calories and staying within a deficit and it’s genuinely insane to me to see the number go down. It’s also crazy how much hiking could help with that and how good it feels although sometimes i do overthink even when i am hiking. Sometimes i think about how actually big the world is and how it isn’t confined to the few places i know and how there’s so many things for me to see and visit and explore. It makes me feel super small and think about how my job really means nothing and how if i truly desired it i could start over anywhere because the world is so vast. There’s so many people and my worth isn’t attached to this person, it never was. Sometimes i could think about how they’re doing but it doesn’t benefit me in any way really but i think it’s okay to think about things like that.

Also sometimes i feel rly behind socially, like i finally got to talking with emilie like we literally live together but we haven’t rly hung out since high school. Sometimes ppl just drift apart but i never rly took it to heart. Anyways we caught up and she talked about all these guys she hooked up with and how much she’s been to the beach/parties and how drunk she got w her friends and it’s like bruh. When i hang out w my friends it’s to explore some shit but then i think maybe the best way to celebrate my youth is by drinking and mostly partying right? i mean most ppl do that ofc but i’ve like grown anxiety towards smoking because i can’t handle it like i used to and also with drinking bc i hate losing control of myself and i can feel myself just not enjoy it ever. So maybe i have to force myself in order to enjoy these things more but it just isn’t my thing /: emilie invited me to go out to a party and it’s okay i don’t mind but then i feel like a dumbass bc i don’t rly wanna be around everyone who will also be drunk? I haven’t been to therapy in a lil so idk maybe im overthinking like i always do but i simply want to enjoy myself in the ways i feel most comfortable doing so. Like i don’t mind trying new things but i’ve been down this road and i almost feel dread towards it 😔

but overall i feel kinda weird and neutral like that’s the best way to describe my brain right now. I’ve avoided social media mostly aside from tiktok and i just listen to music, i’ve grown a small appreciation for country too. but my brain feels quiet, not like too quiet bc i do overthink a lil bit but there’s nothing or anyone really dominating my thoughts???? it’s actually insane to think about because either i’d spend hours pondering my career and if it wasn’t that it’s about my body but im working on that now. I’m eating healthy and working out and im actively seeing the #’s drop so it isn’t something im overthinking anymore… but when i did over think my body then that would connect to me thinking about her a majority of the time but it wasn’t about the past, it was about missing her when we weren’t talking if that makes sense ? and now my brain is so neutral, i don’t think about ways to run away or ways i could reach out or anything.

I think it’s mostly because whenever i do go hiking i think about me and im in my brain entirely too much where now im okay with that. I’m okay with being alone truly, i would say that before and hours later id feel lonely but now its like ill feel it and then ill be fine because truly, i will be okay. I think i was so stuck in the fact that i didn’t like myself that i found comfort in that and thought my job was to show her there could be good potential out there, as well as thinking no one else would or could like me if she once did at some point. In reality my only job is to fulfill myself and only in ways it benefits me.

so yeah i’m feeling a little crazy because i’ll go on about my day without really thinking about anything until im finally in bed at night but even then ill watch some romance wlw shit and i’ll feel super content doing that and i’ve also realized that if im content with that then that’s all that matters. There’s no pressure for me to go on anything to find love because genuinely this dating shit is so fucked up right now and i don’t wanna deal with people who don’t even know wtf they want and if they do KINDA know what they want then there’s no loyalty or labels or anything like no bruh i want to be yearned for, im not on my yearning shit anymore cuz fuck that i did it and it got me hurt. So i feel entirely okay not pushing myself to meet anyone or feel like im weird for not wanting any fwb

i’m working on myself and there’s no need to overthink…. my brain feels weird…

i know once i feel content with myself and my body i’ll finally be okay and then illl b okay with what i do career wise and then i know ill have someone who will realize my worth and will be ready for the love im capable of giving because i have a lot of it to give. She will value the gifts i get because that is my top love language and maybe she will even keep a notes app of all the things i love like i do for all the people i’ve felt anything for. (: and ill no longer feel like a last choice, or like im not pretty enough and they’ll go out of their way for me like i have always done

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jxnmzko · 13 days

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