kaci416-blog

[kaci416-blog]

F*** off, OCD 🖕🏻

It’s been over 2 years now since my world was turned upside down by the asshole living in my brain. Every time I pick up a book or article about OCD it’s always written somewhere (usually toward the beginning) “you have OCD. but OCD does not define you.” Well. That sounds like a load of crap. But as corny as it sounds, it’s a statement that holds a lot of truth. I miss me. God, I miss me so much. When I get up in the morning and look in the mirror, I see OCD. It’s in the circles under my eyes, the knotted up hair I avoid washing. The acne on my face, recently I can’t touch my face without sanitizing, which means I can’t wash my face. The inside out clothes I have on, because I haven’t mastered the art of turning my clothes the right way without having too much contact. I don’t see anything remotely close to the “old me”. With any severe mental illness; OCD, bipolar, eating disorders, etc… it’s so easy to lose your identity. To forget to try. You’re so focused on getting through the day, you forget the whole purpose of living. I don’t want to be “OCD” anymore. I’m stuck with this POS. He’s made it very clear he’s not going anywhere without putting up one hell of a fight. He’s taken the joy out of my pregnancy. Replaced it with crippling anxiety and depression. OCD tries to take the humor and laughter out of my life. The fun out of being a mom to little ones. But make no mistake, I will beat this. After I give birth to this little miracle, I’ll be able to fight back with everything I’ve got. Right now I feel like I’m just putting out fires everyday.

And something not talked about with mental disorders is how lonely you feel, how much these disorders isolate you. How easy it is for loved ones to walk out of your life and never look back. After all, who wants to talk about contamination all day? Or constantly reassure you they didn’t touch you. It’s not easy being a shoulder to someone whose ALWAYS needing one. But there is something incredible about the ones who have stayed. The family and friends who have been an unwavering sense of support. I hope others in my position receive the support and patience they deserve. I could use prayers. Prayers for me, for my family, for my recovery from OCD.

[kaci416-blog]

Pregnancy with OCD

I’m not going to lie… as blessed as I am to be pregnant with this perfect baby, pregnancy with OCD sucks. Not being able to take your “recommended” dose of meds, no PRNs when you’ve reached those breaking points (which happens at least once a day) and just feeling like you’re dragging another soul along on this miserable, dark ride through days and nights of OCD, bites. I’ve had a lot more dark days since becoming pregnant. I have this new feeling that overwhelms me every morning when I open my eyes. Guilt. Guilt over the kind of mother I’ve become. Guilt from remembering the kind of mother I was before OCD wrecked my life. Thinking about how Loren may only know “this” me. Guilt from having to rely on my husband so much lately. Guilt for not being the wife or daughter my family deserves. My husband deserves a happy, healthy wife. I hate that he has to settle for this bag of crazy. And I feel like my mom should just go ahead and start her next career as an OCD behavioral specialist… at least she’d be getting payed. She’s definitely had enough practice. She decided to hire a part time secretary so she can work with me throughout the week on my OCD. My goal is to get my life back to a manageable place before Loren gets here. I love my kids more than anything. To think that they could suffer long term because of my defected brain, kills me. I’ll never stop fighting to get better. And they’re are so many things I haven’t tried yet. Things I can’t try until after I have this baby. I may not be the perfect mom, (if that even exist?) but I will show my kids how strong I am. I hope they’ll have a unique understanding of mental illness when they grow up.

[kaci416-blog]

Enjoying the good moments, they don't last long

I had a wonderful weekend, spent it with a few of my closest friends, ended it with my children having their first sleepover. This weekend is one of those memories you hold onto when your OCD is fighting hard. I have the same thoughts every time I have days like this. "How am I going to get up tomorrow and start over? Get Wes on the bus, entertain Nora. I feel guilty bc Nora's day consist of watching the movie trolls on repeat and listening to music while I watch her dance. I just keep telling myself it's raining, she wouldn't be doing much at Pre school either (which was closed today) I wish I could muster up enough of something to enjoy these moments with her. All I really want to do is crawl under my sheets and escape. It's frustrating, no matter how many "plans" we make for our future, I know these days are inevitable. I know with my disorder these days will happen. I wish I knew how to deal with them. Ugh... Until next time. I could use some prayers for a better week.

[kaci416-blog]

A day with OCD

So now that I’ve given you a little bit of the back story, I can touch on what my days are like with this asshole, OCD. As I mentioned in my last post, I have a fear of hsv1 and hsv2 (herpes). I could write a book on herpes at this point, I’ve done so much research. So I know, or should I say, my logical brain knows it’s not a realistic threat in my life. I guess if I was with someone who had herpes or wasn’t in a monogamous relationship and didn’t practice safe sex this would be a threat, but neither of those are the case. And I don’t think anything negative of people who have herpes. It’s apparently pretty common. “I” know my fears aren’t realistic. But my OCD brain doesn’t care. So here are my day to day struggles: I have a fear of cold sores (which my husband and I have had in the past and get (rarely)). If someone sneezes around me, if I sneeze, my OCD tells me, yep you’ve just been exposed, you HAVE to take a bath. NOW. So that’s what I do. 
My daughter loves to give those hugs, the ones when you’re standing up and she buries her head in your legs. After those, I take a bath. Sitting on furniture is tough, if my kids have rolled around on the couch, I usually put a blanket down before I sit. Or somedays I just sit on the ground. Or if I’m trying to fight my OCD I sit down anyways and try to “sit” with the anxiety. Which is sometimes unbearable. 
If my husband has a cold sore he sleeps on the couch, not because I’ve asked him to, but because he knows what my anxiety would be like the next day. Brushing my teeth is a chore I despise, i have to lean over the sink, and if I feel like I got a drop of water on me, I take a bath. 
Taking baths are my biggest obstacle though. Everything has to run smoothly. From the towel I use to the new bar of antibacterial soap. When getting dressed I have to clean my hands, then try to put my clothes on without my shirt touching my face at all. (I wear a lot of button ups) 
Eating is hard. I order things that aren’t messy. My OCD likes to screw with me and tell me I’ve dropped something on my lap. I’ll obsess over it, try not to let it drive me crazy to where I have to go back home and take a bath. 
Sometimes I can resist, but I have my days when I can’t. I shoot for two baths a day. If I can take one in the morning and one at night I consider that a win. Those are my “good days”. We celebrate those days. You’re probably thinking what every one of my therapists have said “I wish you would just get herpes, it’s got to be easier than this”. My self worth is the issue. I’m constantly trying to feel like my life is worth something. I know I matter. I matter to my kids, my husband, my family, (even my nephew, most days ;)) but it’s not enough. Something in me is wired wrong. I feel defected. I know it probably stems from things that have happened in my past. Those “traumas” I’m not ready to dig up. I’m a work in progress. I’m always fighting my thoughts. If I let my OCD win I’d sit in a bath tub all day and isolate from the world. But I’m not doing that. I’m picking up where I left off July 2015. I’m going to have a good life. I’m going to have a great one. Despite the asshole in my brain.

[kaci416-blog]

A day with OCD

So now that I've given you a little bit of the back story, I can touch on what my days are like with this asshole, OCD. As I mentioned in my last post, I have a fear of hsv1 and hsv2 (herpes). I could write a book on herpes at this point, I've done so much research. So I know, or should I say, my logical brain knows it's not a realistic threat in my life. I guess if I was with someone who had herpes or wasn't in a monogamous relationship and didn't practice safe sex this would be a threat, but neither of those are the case. And I don't think anything negative of people who have herpes. It's apparently pretty common. "I" know my fears aren't realistic. But my OCD brain doesn't care. So here are my day to day struggles: I have a fear of cold sores (which my husband and I have had in the past and get (rarely)). If someone sneezes around me, if I sneeze, my OCD tells me, yep you've just been exposed, you HAVE to take a bath. NOW. So that's what I do. My daughter loves to give those hugs, the ones when you're standing up and she buries her head in your legs. After those, I take a bath. Sitting on furniture is tough, if my kids have rolled around on the couch, I usually put a blanket down before I sit. Or somedays I just sit on the ground. Or if I'm trying to fight my OCD I sit down anyways and try to "sit" with the anxiety. Which is sometimes unbearable. If my husband has a cold sore he sleeps on the couch, not because I've asked him to, but because he knows what my anxiety would be like the next day. Brushing my teeth is a chore I despise, i have to lean over the sink, and if I feel like I got a drop of water on me, I take a bath. Taking baths are my biggest obstacle though. Everything has to run smoothly. From the towel I use to the new bar of antibacterial soap. When getting dressed I have to clean my hands, then try to put my clothes on without my shirt touching my face at all. (I wear a lot of button ups) Eating is hard. I order things that aren't messy. My OCD likes to screw with me and tell me I've dropped something on my lap. I'll obsess over it, try not to let it drive me crazy to where I have to go back home and take a bath. Sometimes I can resist, but I have my days when I can't. I shoot for two baths a day. If I can take one in the morning and one at night I consider that a win. Those are my "good days". We celebrate those days. You're probably thinking what every one of my therapists have said "I wish you would just get herpes, it's got to be easier than this". My self worth is the issue. I'm constantly trying to feel like my life is worth something. I know I matter. I matter to my kids, my husband, my family, (even my nephew, most days ;)) but it's not enough. Something in me is wired wrong. I feel defected. I know it probably stems from things that have happened in my past. Those "traumas" I'm not ready to dig up. I'm a work in progress. I'm always fighting my thoughts. If I let my OCD win I'd sit in a bath tub all day and isolate from the world. But I'm not doing that. I'm picking up where I left off July 2015. I'm going to have a good life. I'm going to have a great one. Despite the asshole in my brain.

[kaci416-blog]

So I guess I should start at the beginning. I mean where else would I start? I've always wanted a big family. A house full of kids running around. The chaos seemed like an exciting adventure, something I felt like I was meant to do. That was the plan. So as of right now, I have a 6 year old named wesley and a 4 year old, nora. They are my two greatest accomplishments. But I still feel a void, I’ve prayed another child would complete me. Complete my family. Make me feel a sense of worth.

And up until July of 2015, my life had been pretty easy. I had the occasional bumps in the road, I had trauma in my high school years that caused the occasional depression if I would let my mind go there. I would actually sing to myself sometimes If a bad memory would start creeping in, it helped, your brain can't occupy two thoughts at once, or so I've heard. When I look back now, my "norms" were not normal. But all in all, life was good. I didn't have to appreciate the "good days" because most days went by uneventful. (in a good way)

With OCD there's something called "scrupulosity", its sort of like magical thinking, its the fear of being guilty of religious, moral, or ethical failure. Like karma x100, This was part of "my OCD". I felt like God would punish me if mentioned having another child. (are you thinking I'm crazy, yet? ... it gets worse.) I’d constantly make deals with God. I felt like God was punishing me.

Fast forward to July 2015, perhaps it was a coincidence my OCD spiraled out of control on the same week the "trauma" I experienced as a teen was aired on the news , same guy, different girl.

I thought I was dealing with it, a few nights later I had a little too much to drink and discussed having another child with my husband., he didn't say much, just that he wanted to think about it.  Afterward we made love. A night that will forever be burned into my memory. When I woke up the next morning my mind began to race (something very common with OCD), I wasn't familiar with this though, it was almost like someone flipped a switch in my brain. I felt worthless, disgusting, alone. My mind was telling me," you have herpes. and If you have herpes your life isn't worth living."  Worst of all I felt insane. I remember Jason took me to see the new Jurassic Park movie, poor guy had no idea how to deal with this either. My parents took my kids for the evening, The beginning of what my kids would consider their second home for the next 18 months. Thank god for my family. When we got to the movies jason gave me an ativan to calm me down, I remember being a little out of it but every celebrity in the movie I would try to imagine if they could live with the thought of having herpes. With OCD you don't get to decide what scares you, your mind lies to you. Your mind, the thing thats suppose to help you think logically is in constant fight or flight mood. They also call OCD the doubting disorder. You don't believe your own thoughts. If I leave the house and I watch myself unplug the straightener, my mind will make me believe, hmmm... maybe you didn't. Then I’d have to go back and check.

I had to stay at my parents for a while, The two kids that had given my life meaning were now just getting in the way of my compulsions and ruminations. I went to urgent care 8 times before the doctors there refused to check me. Then I started going to my OBgyn. After my third day there in a row she mentioned something I had never considered, She said she suspected I was OCD. So we went home and googled the symptoms. Its almost like finding that missing puzzle piece that makes your life make a lot more sense. I wasn't a quirky kid, or an awkward, quiet teenager, I was OCD.

During these first few months I had lost about 15 pounds.

I tried every medicine out there. Antipsychotics that just made me sleepy. countless SSRI's that did absolutely nothing. I woke up every single morning like I had this giant boulder on my chest. My hands would feel numb, my heart would race, my mind would race. Every morning. I would sit on our back porch swing and smoke cigerarttes, one after the other. I constantly fantasized about suicide to end the relentless pain I was feeling. How death would give me the release I longed for. I made plans, wrote letters to my family. I remember one thing I wrote to my dad that sticks out in my mind"...Don't let this ruin your life." I was so ignorant and full of pain back then. I even picked out a white dress, it looked like something you might get baptized in. (later I found out my mom burned the dress)

My "plans" were always interrupted. Thank God. and just as a side note, my kids were never home for these “plans”

I remember begging my family to check me in somewhere and just leave me there. I was convinced I was crazy.  The first place we tried was a treatment center in LA that claimed they treated OCD. It was a PHP program (partial hospitalization program). 12 weeks of group therapy that did nothing but babysit me while my family worked and my kids were in school. I felt hopeless. Then I started to see a different treatment team from new orelans, which helped a little until they told me my OCD and depression was too severe for them to treat and referred me to a residential treatment center.

My family was 100% against me going across the country to get help, so I made the plans, arranged the flights, and left on not so good of terms. By the second day my mother was telling me how proud she was I had made the decision to go. I think as a parent you just want to fix your kids and keep them close. I spent roughly 7 months in Wisconsin, and met the most amazing people. I learned about my disorder, how to cope, I was able to let my guard down and know that everyone there new my pain. I formed connections that get me through hard times now. 

Since being home I've done 39 sessions of TMS. (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and 9 sessions of ECT (electric shock therapy) I stopped going to ECT when I recognized one of the nurses assisting in the procedure. I remember feeling so humiliated.

I still struggle and have bad days, and then some decent ones. I feel like I'm learning to ride the bad days out and hold on until I get a grip. I still take 14 showers some days. and change 10 times before I feel "okay" I finally think we've found the right meds for me though.

And Jason and I have started trying for another baby. I'm starting back at school this week. OCD wants my life. It fights like hell to take every bit of joy from me. But I'm learning to fight back One day at a time. Or as my mom calls my triggers , an "oppurtonity to fight back". I know there will be more ugly days. But I feel like with all of this pain There has to be a reason.