kaes-confessions

[kaes-confessions]

It's just so crazy. I'm house shopping. Looking to go to school and change fields. He's started 2 businesses that are off and running.

I'm trying to find somewhere with a 2 bay garage. This way he can work at my house. My excuse is that it's a way for him to be around our son. But really I just want the dream of restocking the Cheerwine fridge for 'my boys' and laying out in the drive while they tinker.

We aren't together. I've been adamant. Damn my stubbornness. "I've tried to be that man for you before," haunts me. But then he says something, so I flip him off and his response is that he has time. I ask him about my new leggings, and what's the response? Chefs kiss. He can see everything. Just said I need to go tanning and not wear them in public. And then there was today.

Me in my feeling cuz our son was napping. Sent dad a pic and go vulnerable for a second. Saying how hormones have me missing my little potato and how I want another. So dad responds, "I'd consider it if we could afford it."

We cannot. But also, we are not together. When my water broke he was 8 mins away instead of 30. Because, instead of being at his house, he was having dinner with another woman. My fault? Sure. But I didn't want him to feel like I'd trapped him. And also I didn't want him to feel like he'd settled. We've done this on and off dance for 9 years.

I've written about him before. How my heart was in my throat watching his bike pull up to our friend's house on the security cameras. So many other moments. Sitting on the beach under the stars talking life stories. Him holding my hand in the hospital after unexpected loss. Taking the jet skis out. Watching him paint in the shed.

He threw a bonfire birthday party for me during Covid and a mutual came up and said, "He really likes you, ya know?" To which I responded, "I know," all high and mighty. That same friend is the only one that was allowed to come see us after our son was born.

I love this man. I do. And after his accident, where he almost died, he's cleaned up. People out of his life. Work and minimal play. Seeing the boy more. Taking him to appointments. He still sends me so many pictures of the two of them. Twins.

A couple weeks ago I noticed he needed to shave. I let the old me shine and touched his chin. Let me tell you... the spark I got.

But I'm scared to even hug him. Those super swimmers get through everything. We can't. But I want so badly, the next time it's just the 3 of us, to crawl up in his lap and have him hold me. See if our boy gets jealous. And I just want to stay there for a second.

I'm so terrified of rejection that I've put a massive wall between us. Just standing at the window long enough to catch a glimpse. And then it's back to my solitude.

I hate this. Just rip out my heart already.

[kaes-confessions]

What am I even doing?

I sometimes ask myself if it's just because he's 6'4 with black hair. But then we're sitting there smashing tacos and gossiping about our jobs while somebody else watches the baby. Laughing and trying not to choke with our mouths full. Like old times, but with pants on.

We plan these trips, and it sounds glamorous. The possibilities are endless. But then I end up kicking him square in the back and off the bed because I'm so used to sleeping alone.

I tell him I resent him for his kid free nights and being able to still go to the bonfires, drag and dirt bike meets, or plain anywhere. But then I send him an invite to a skeet shoot contest my friend is hosting and say he should go with the baby. Bring the infant shooting muffs. I'll be working.

He sends me pictures of him with the baby. I zoom into the baby and crop his face out. Only then do I save it to my phone. He only ever gets pictures of just the baby when it's my time.

When the baby has his phone he hurries to clear a snap chat notification and I wonder why. When we're all in his room and I'm playing with the baby in the closet mirror I see him smiling at his phone in the glass before looking up at us and then just going stone faced. But why do I care?

He brings up the 3 of us moving in together. His parents even bring it up to me on occasion. I say how I'm saving up to buy my own house. I already have a realtor. I know where I want to be. What school districts I want our kid to grow up in. I have my own plan, thank you.

It's none of my business. So why do I want to feel hurt? I'm the one out here throwing down boundaries so I DON'T get hurt. Make it make sense.

What am I even doing?

[kaes-confessions]

That last chapter closed amicably. And then this one opened. My best friend and I made a new best friend.

[kaes-confessions]

Progression.

Helping me move. Meeting my friends. He's so close now. I've made us dinner. Movie nights. He has a tag now so his truck doesn't get towed since my lot is private. I haven't let him stay, but the possibility is there. He loves my cats, and my pillow smells like man.

This is either gonna go really well, or I'm gonna be really sad.

[kaes-confessions]

Driving away from his house. 10 mins out the thought hits me. So I call. "I can't believe I forgot to give you a birthday peck. If you want one, I can turn around."

He went on about how he hugged me for a long time. Twice. Back rubs and all. And I didn't take the bait. He screams on the phone how I choked. I tell him how he is stalling and hasn't answered my questions.

Aren't you past the mall? You left because you were tired. Don't get into an accident for me.

I won't. I already turned you around. See you in 10 mins. Meet me on the porch.

He met me in the drive. Peck to the left cheek, right cheek, right on the kisser. Boy got the nervous giggles. I stood there telling him not to read into it. He said the silence said everything it needed to. I said no. It doesn't. But you're welcome. He got the giggles again. Boy was stumbling around nervous laughing like a school boy. Coming in for hugs. Backing off. Hug. Backing off. Just shut up and kiss me, you fool.

Instead I touched his cheek while pointing out I could see him blush in the moonlight. He commented on my haircut. How it likes it down and hates that I shave an undercut. Even went as far as to reach over and brush my hair behind my ear to look at it.

I got in my car and left him smiling.

Keep 'em on the line. Keep em craving. Don't give it all away.

[kaes-confessions]

When you have to make a run for work and he goes with just to spend time with you?

Yeah. I like that ish.

[kaes-confessions]

He was on the phone with me for an hour so I just said, "You have 2 options. Either we can hang up so I can focus on cleaning out my closet, or I can come over there and we can talk more."

I made the drive. He made me tea. Actual tea. Leaves, roots, flowers. Then, since I was in front of his truck, he drove my car for us to go get drinks. We stood out in his vast yard and stared at the stars. Tried to find constellations. Talked about how beautiful but terrifying it all is.

We went inside and I found my corner in his bed. He put on a reggae Playlist and was drumming on my thigh while I sat there, cross-legged, eyes closed, just basking in it.

He brought out his memory box. Things I don't have. Baby hair. Hand prints. Foot prints. His newborn band. Newborn hat. Baby shoes. Onesies. He told me how he wants his son to wear some of them and I told him, "Maybe someday." But I kept my chin down because I know if I saw the smile I heard him crack... I'd have melted.

He brought out a tenor saxophone. He's learning. I told him I used to play the clarinet. One octave has the same fingerings. So he found reeds and I played for him. I played for him. I played for him and it felt so good to have the wind in my hands again. He just sat on the floor next to me, his baby things around him, smiling. I could tell he loved seeing that part of me.

We finally went to bed and he said, "You know... it felt as if you friend zoned yourself. Like you didn't want me to like you. It was confusing."

A part of my heart cracked. I couldn't even turn to face him as he placed a hand on my hip. I explained to him how it's not that I don't want him to like me. I just didn't understand how he could. I want him to. I do. I just don't know how to handle it when he shows me proper affection.

I passed out shortly after that- just a little broken. At some point I must have rolled over and cuddled up into his chest. All I remember is waking up to him.

He pulled me close, grabbed my chin, tilted it up, and licked my lips. Primitive. Carnal. Steamy. We were both too tired. But he passed back out and I had to go get a different pair of sleep shorts out of my car.

When we woke up he liked them. He liked them a lot. Like spankies, but with the strings up the sides. The ones that make the booty pop and really show the curve of a woman's hip. Forest green. Contrast to my paleness. I straddled him and buried my face in his chest. He just played with the knots and rubbed up and down my sides.

I was 14 minutes late to work because I left 5 minutes late and there was an accident on the way into the city. But I like to think it was worth it.

I like to think one day I might see those onesies again.

[kaes-confessions]

"Sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable." You're fine. It's just what I want to do is dangerous. "We can do whatever we want. Just no-"

"It's so soft."

"I love a smooth-"

"I would paint those walls."

And then I sent him off to mass while I left to go have lunch with some girlfriends.

He already told me the song he wants to play in his head while I walk down the aisle. And the plan post sacrament and pre reception.

This man will be mine. I'm damn determined.

[kaes-confessions]

This is our theme song right now. ❤

[kaes-confessions]

We cleaned our shotguns. Cleaned and oiled up the boots he helped me pick out. Talked about Nashville for a bit. Got into talking about past relationships. Some political stuff. How we'd wanna raise kids. He talked me through the Rachel situation saying he cut it off cuz she's too leftist. I'm middle ground. And easy to talk with. And chill.

We open up about experiences. We talk about my miscarriages. Both of us have been raped. Then awkward teen stuff. "No hot showers." He says.

I remark, "Unacceptable."

"You faint in bath tubs. You'd faint in a hot shower. Warm water only."

"Well I like hot showers. Except you'd never be able to catch me. You'd just chuck me over the edge."

"Nah. You need a real man *flexes* I was trained to handle 300 pound men for football."

"Well I don't weight 300 pounds."

"That's why we could do it."

"Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"You're teasing me. This is me setting a hard boundary."

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me."

"Yeah. Sure you are."

My turn to go "What?!"

"I'm just mocking you. You're gonna go home and use a toy."

"His name is Bob. It stands for battery operated boyfriend."

Lordy. That was awkward. Standing there wanting to pounce him. But I wouldn't. My will is stronger, good sir.

I tried to leave 5 times. I would unlock my car. We would keep talking. It would lock itself. 5 times. I got a hug each time. Good hugs today. Tight hugs. Lingering hugs. Back rubs. His chin nestled into my neck. He even popped my back twice because he's concerned about how it's gonna feel during my drive.

"What are you gonna do without me?"

"Fuckin die."

Because I'm such an eloquent romantic. That was my response. Fuckin die.

I just wanna FaceTime with him while I'm with my friends so they can see how stupidly handsome he is. And so he can see me truly happy in my true Midwestern element.

I told him to call me during my 18 hour drive so that I don't fall asleep.

I want him to go with me so badly. So fucking badly. I wanna show this boy to the world. But he isn't mine to show. So I guess I'll just have to wait until we can plan another roadtrip. There's already a Playlist started.

It's like everything but the title, and I'm holding out. But I can't wait for the day he crashes into me again.

[kaes-confessions]

We had such a good day yesterday. To save gas I picked him up in my little car and he went boot shopping with me. My Ariats are so worn down the work grip is slick as a dress shoe. They can't be re-soled. And with the Rodeo coming up this weekend I needed a new pair. He's a boot champ. So he went. First store. First pair. Fell in love with them. He insisted I try another pair to make sure. Even insisted on a certain pair of socks for it all.

"Take a walk. A long stroll. Make sure." He talked me through what I liked and disliked about each pair. A girl he went to high school with was working, so he went to chat with her and get help with a couple things. I was in my section, walking, squatting, getting up on my toes. I went to change boots and he came walking back.

"Nope. No. Sit your ass down. I'm doing this. I'm doing this for you."

Sir. Yes, sir.

I bought my pair and then he went looking for himself. He found a shirt he liked, but with the move coming up it was too expensive. Shame. It would have looked good. I'm going back to get it for him for his birthday. He doesn't need to know that though.

And since he was dilly-dallying I found myself in hats.

"No, no. You have to put it on right. You look like a fake cowgirl."

"I've been elbow deep in a cow. Don't call me a fake cowgirl."

"No, no. Let me do it."

I've never had someone putting a hat on me feel so intimate. Forehead first, then let it sit. It's too big. Get the size down.

No. The size down hurt my head.

We argued. I won. Then, walking out to my car, the wind blew it off my head.

See? Told you needed the size down.

After I chased it down I told him, "Boy, we are about to go rounds today."

"One round and I'd win for the day." He smiled. "You'd only last half a round with me anyway."

When I tell you I've never wanted to punch someone while simultaneously thinking about jumping their bones SO DEEPLY.

We got burgers and then went to his house and I opted to hang out for a bit to sit out a storm in my part of the city. We sat on his covered porch watching the horses, talking about trees, sharing memories. Basic conversation. It was a good night. And I went home in a great mood.

Today I almost ruined it. I asked if it would be crossing a line to have him rub out cramps. Yay womanhood. He said it's too intimate and he doesn't want to... get things all mixed up. Because it's not a good recipe.

My response was that he's a liar. We make great friends. Like peas and carrots. I've been doing well at not caving to his sleeping advances and only spending the night when it's literally not safe for me to drive home. He agreed. We do well chilling together. Then I told him to get it while he can since he's moving. But, on the same token, where he's moving is actually 10 minutes closer to my house. Just in the other direction.

I told him I have a girlfriend that lives in that town. Warned him about her. And he said "Where would I meet her?" I immediately told him I'd set them up if he wanted, but she came with a warning. He said he just wanted to know so he could avoid her. And then it got weird.

"Wait. What do you mean? You'd really set me up with someone? I thought you liked me."

So I told him of course I do. Why else would I have to look away every time he smiles at me? I told him if he asked me on an actual date next week I would drop everything to go buy a whole new outfit for it.

It got deep. About how we just want to see each other happy. But he's gotta move, he's gonna need a new job, things are gonna be rough. I have my new job but have to move. It's also rough. But we're getting each other through it. And we need that uplifting support.

He said he's never had a friend buy him anything for his birthday. I'm getting him that shirt.

[kaes-confessions]

"I love how you just walk into my house now" with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Me running past him screaming "But I gotta pee!"

He's mad I'm meeting up with Nashville when I drive across the country. "Worst case scenario? Things go well, you move out there, live there for 3 months, and come back."

"Are you just waiting for him to profess his love?"

"Is it worth it?"

Quit prying into my love life. Call me cute in a cowgirl hat while we go shopping for Rodeo clothes.

I love the kid. Yeah. But it's never gonna work. Doesn't mean I can't have dinner and drinks with the only person that knows literally everything about me. Don't be jealous.

[kaes-confessions]

He goes... "I remember taking with girls in high-school about how they should be patient. Their body will change. They mature faster, but your tits are still growing and they'll be way different by the time you're 30."

" ... But mine have been the same since I was 18. And I still wish they were bigger."

"They're fine. And women like that get blessed in other areas."

"Look. No woman is ever gonna be completely happy with her body."

He then put his head down, looked away, and said, "Even if they're perfect. "

I still can't decide if that was a generalization or a pointed comment.

All I know is I got 2 hugs before I left his house, and on the second one I had to let go first. And I remember his fingers tickling my spine. I remember the spark when I drug my fingertips across his shoulders. And the hot feeling of his eyes on me from the porch while I walked out to my car.

Fack. Why do I do this to myself? This is hard.

[kaes-confessions]

"I just came to drop this off. Ima go now."

"Oh.... you're not gonna stay?"

"Well you gave me shit last time I was over for always staying."

"You can stay."

5 hours later...

"*laughing* You always worm your way into my bed."

"You're the one that said I could stay."

I got one booty rub and then pulled the blanket and rolled further over.

I'm not gonna see you for 2 weeks cuz of my obligations. Stfu and let me enjoy your calves keeping my feet warm, mister.

Woke up 4 hours later, got up silently, and left. No hug. No waking him. Just. Left.

Got a "have a good day" text the second I pulled into my driveway.

Fack. This is hard.

[kaes-confessions]

"Is a sleepover a good idea? It can't be like before. Strictly platonic."

I tell him how I live in the friend zone.

"Your words not mine."

We played a video game until 5am, fell asleep back to back... I still woke up with a swift smack to the ass. Then some booty rubs to apologize. Soft pats. Squeeze or two. More booty rubs. Then more up my back. He came over and put his lips to my ear. I passed back tf out.

You want platonic, you get platonic. Bro-zoned.

Then when I woke up I said how I didn't know platonic included booty rubs. He said he didn't do it consciously.

Fuck outta here. You're gonna stay in your lane. Homeboy.

[kaes-confessions]

But.... but.... can you blame me tho?

[kaes-confessions]

We had the connection. He got jealous I was still getting taken out. So I canceled the date with the other man. Then I find out he hooked up with someone else? No. Don't come at me "I see a future with you. She was just there." Oh, so now you're gonna disrespect me while devaluing another woman? No. No fucking way.

But when his face popped up on a call knowing it was my normal shift 2 weeks later I answered. I held him as I confirmed his pet was dead. I got tissues and a trash can. I spent way more time in there than I've spent with any regular client. Offered the pet be under my name so cremation and keepsakes were free.

I went through the science while he cried. Stood in my corner and let him feel it. Then the apologies came and I said, "I just came in clutch for (pet) as much as I could." And then he said, "Yeah, don't do it for me." I cracked a smile and said a little bit was for him too.

I just lost my dog last week. He knew. He apologized more and asked what happened. I told him and he felt like shit for not being there for me. I'm a strong girl. My dog was ancient. I was prepared. He wasn't prepared for this.

The texts afterwards had me clock out, ask if he needed a shoulder. We just talked for about 30 minutes. Him tearing himself and me giving tough love. Telling him to remember all the times he told me to stop tearing myself down. Stop it. Swallow your own pill. He got silent and I said, "Got eem." He laughed. "See? Now... Im gonna go inside my house. You tear yourself apart all you want. But don't forget to use the glue to piece it all back together when you're done. Call me if you need anything."

I'm laying here in bed telling myself not to fall for it all again, while simultaneously wishing to feel his hand on my waist while I pass out.

And I can't help watching this thinking... With my hourglass figure and face shape, and his build and hair.... we could totally pull off being these 2 for Halloween.

Fack. My brain.

Proud of myself for being in my own bed alone though.