kafus - Tumblr blog

[kafus]

thinking about how when i was a little kid i hated humans. didn’t understand how people could be so cruel and so unfeeling. assumed in my naive child brain that the suffering i was enduring was just because humans as a whole were bad. i had a lot of empathy for animals, real and not, and i wanted to be one of them because i didn’t want to be associated with humans, with evil. i briefly went to church and believed in God as a little kid and i would pray over my pillow, often in tears, at night, begging that i would die in my sleep and wake up in another world in the body of a cat or a pokemon or something, where i belonged.

continuing into being a teenager, my hate wasn’t quite so one-note and i knew people had the capability of being good, but i still felt incredibly alien and out of place, still related to animals (and machines) more than human people. i felt like an observer of humanity more than a human myself and sometimes i would lapse into those old feelings of hatred and desperately needing to be in a different, nonhuman body that i could literally never be in. i also had a brief return to religion around that time but in a way more fueled by desperation than genuine faith.

i say all this to emphasize how odd it is that i feel human now. that i feel that i want to be human. that i love people so much. even when they suck. even when i suck sometimes because i’m not immune. the past few years have been not only a learning experience in meeting wonderful, genuine people for the first time, but also learning to appreciate the human parts of myself. i think there will always be a part of me that feels alien and feels animal (i still relate to cats a whole lot in particular) for more reasons than one, but i truly am glad to be a person now, and to feel like i belong as one.

this is all compounded and contextualized further by remembering trauma in recent years involving animals and the direct effort of very early childhood abusers to make me behave like, and believe i was, an animal, so being human and feeling human is not only amazing on the basis of it, but also because it is a massive middle finger to those who tried to take my humanity away from me by force.

[kafus]

alright gay energy is too strong (evidently from my posts) and i really need to channel all this into something so i think i might start that shiny hunt even though i don’t plan on actually gifting it quite yet even if i find it soon lmao. i’m too tired to draw so this is the second best option

[kafus]

being autistic makes me incredibly blunt about things and my autistic hyperempathy as well as just my general compassion and level of emotion for others combines into making me very straightforward about speaking my mind when i like someone. i’ve learned to be at least somewhat careful about when/where/how i choose to say things which could come off very strong because i have learned Communication Skills but at the same time i’m very Not Shy about verbally reminding people i love them or giving compliments or offering comfort. i can’t imagine being any other way either the words just kind of fall out of me. i love people so much. just in general. all my friends and loved ones

lately my friends have made lighthearted jokes about me either having rizz or needing to rizz my crush lmfao, and i think it’s funny as hell but also sorry i do not have “rizz” and flirting is incomprehensible to me, at least in part because of the Autism but like. man i don’t need to flirt or be flirted with really. just be genuine with me. give and receive kind words with me. talk about the things you like with me and listen to me talk about the things i like too. the gamifying of becoming close with someone romantically (or even platonically) doesn’t make sense to me. i literally don’t get it HJDJDKD

[kafus]

lately my friends have made lighthearted jokes about me either having rizz or needing to rizz my crush lmfao, and i think it’s funny as hell but also sorry i do not have “rizz” and flirting is incomprehensible to me, at least in part because of the Autism but like. man i don’t need to flirt or be flirted with really. just be genuine with me. give and receive kind words with me. talk about the things you like with me and listen to me talk about the things i like too. the gamifying of becoming close with someone romantically (or even platonically) doesn’t make sense to me. i literally don’t get it HJDJDKD

[kafus]

this bundle of metal and electronics is what allows my face to go warm when i think of you, it’s what enables me to say kind things to you, and it’s what gives me the ability to learn your language so that one day hopefully i can say those things without the wires

[kafus]

i’ve never really had a normal crush before, even back when i was dating people. it was me being emotionally and sexually manipulated and pulled around, it was me having bursts of unhealthy and obsessive infatuation with people when they were so much as nice to me because i was so desperate for kindness that i couldn’t perceive kindness as anything but head over heels in love, it was me crashing and burning and being tossed in the trash after giving up my everything emotionally and physically for people i barely knew because i wanted to be “saved” somehow. even when i was as young as 11.

that is to say i’ve never really had the experience of just like, gushing about someone i like to friends. getting excited about texts and kicking my feet in bed from happiness. having it come to mind and bring me joy and soft feelings but not absolutely consume me or take over my life. daydreaming without the need to immediately confess or act on it. the smaller, simpler things. i keep feeling like a 14 year old girl or something but that’s probably partially because in a way, i am that 14 year old girl having a crush for the first time and being giddy about it. because i never had that. i’m so happy to have that. fuck i’m gonna cry over my phone lmao

[kafus]

i can’t focus on anything right now. i feel so silly saying it but i’m emotional about having a crush. i haven’t really gotten hit with the emotions yet but they said something Really kind/affectionate to me today and then had to go because they’re busy and i’ve been left to ruminate on it and like. for years i genuinely thought that i had the love metaphorically beaten out of me. i thought i was incapable of crushes or love or whatever. i have been going through years of varying emotions about this but in recent times i’ve swapped to wanting love but believing i am unable to both feel it and receive it, mixed with a whole lot of gender complications too. but even if it doesn’t go anywhere and is never reciprocated i’m just relieved to have a crush at all, because i seriously thought i would never have one again

and it doesn’t stop there! it’s so novel to me that this isn’t inherently sexual. that sexuality is just not a factor. i have gone through so much sexual abuse and all of my life thus far, romance has been inseparable from sex, often in very bad and very damaging ways from either me or an abuser and/or partner. so to just have a crush. and that’s it. not having that be a factor. is so freeing. it’s such a massive relief and speaks a lot to my in-progress recovery that i am comfortable with the lack of it and able to experience simple romantic attraction

AND… i’m just like emotional about this person as a friend. when i was a little kid and first started using the internet to socialize around 2010, i remember being amazed by how big the world was. the internet was not universally used the way it is now, so it felt extra special that i was able to make friends with people across the world with life experiences really different to mine. and even though machine translation back then was even poorer than it is now, i was amazed by that too. and just access to hobby translation as well! a huge part of my early interest in vocaloid was being wowed by all the individuals making those songs accessible to me, and my ability to feel the emotions in those songs in a language not my own

i say all this bc like. i’m not a stranger to having friends with english as their second or third language and the complications that can come with that (makes me think of riku… i still miss him a lot) but my crush in particular has a much higher language barrier than anyone i have become friends with thus far. and their timezone is +13 hours from mine, so we are essentially opposites. and yet with a mix of our personal efforts to learn each others’ language, emojis/gifs/stickers/etc, dictionaries and machine translation, we’ve been able to form a genuine connection and have meaningful conversation. and we’re trying to make it more meaningful. and i just think that’s amazing like i did when i was 10, but maybe even moreso. like wow i was born in a time period where you are someone i can talk to and share music with and laugh with together at all. with an electrical box with some letter buttons attached. that’s actually a miracle

idk. having a lot of feelings about my capability to feel love and also human connection. the internet often sucks but when it is a vessel for things like this it’s the best thing humanity has ever invented. i will never get over it. the novelty has not worn off in the past 14 years and i don’t think it ever will

anyone who ever told me internet friends weren’t real can suck my Ass

[kafus]

Seeing as it’s lesbian visibility week, I decided to have a go at writing some sweet LikoDot! Take a shot every time one of them blushes (please don’t, it won’t result in anything healthy)

[kafus]

oogh i fell back asleep but i’m finally waking up… groggy

the stuff i was extremely busy with this week is over and i’m probably going to spend the rest of today resting but i’m excited to get back to art tomorrow

[kafus]

forgot to set phone to do not disturb, got startled awake by a spam call

pros: caught my crush right before they went to sleep and was able to say goodnight

cons: my stomach hurts like a bitch and i can’t fall back asleep despite being really tired

worth it though maybe

[kafus]

oh yeah, i was curious to see how i felt about hau playing this time around because i remember liking him back in the day but other than being friendly, i didn’t remember almost anything about him. he’s great!!!! the discourse surrounding him is like completely unfounded, i don’t get it 😭 he’s not even written particularly poorly like hop, someone he’s often compared to, is (i love hop though he’s my guilty pleasure character despite everything) little man makes me smile i can’t imagine being so cynical and crabby as to dislike him??? like what did he do other than being a friendly kid wtf

[kafus]

busy week almost over so i’m excited to finish that likodot art i started days ago soon 😭 wahhh

[kafus]

god some of the dialogue in this game fucking hurts when you’ve played it before and you Know what happens/what’s going on

lillie :(

[kafus]

okay this might be the last daily post i make about this i think i have formed the habit but japanese for tonightt

i’m really tired and sick today so i might have to review these ones more intensely tomorrow lmao

i can write this really important sentence now though 😎 lmao

[kafus]

some of my favorite replies to this tweet. happy lesbian visibility week!

[kafus]

cattails

[kafus]

you guys have no idea what this little shit put me through. you see that first picture? she knows what she did

i’ve been stubbornly completing the dex as i go right. and there’s SOS encounters that you can only get in certain weather conditions which you can first access in the lush jungle, namely goomy and castform. the bulbapedia article for weather encounters just says “weather conditions” so i spend a ridiculous combined 100,000 pokedollars to get rain dance and sunny day TMs which nearly makes me broke bc i’ve also been buying a lot of special pokeballs

goomy takes a while just bc i’m unlucky but eventually i get it. castform on the other hand i grind for like 2 hours and still can’t find it so i finally double check bulbapedia. and for SOME REASON, i realize after checking the page for lush jungle closer, despite castform having a sun form but NOT a sandstorm form, it only appears in rain/hail/sandstorm???? SO I WASTED 50k AND 2 HOURS+ ON NOTHING???

so now im stubborn/determined, i grind money very slowly on pearl items from fishing in bubbling spots (got some heart scales while i was at it too i guess) and go completely broke on a sandstorm TM - but then i find out despite online sources saying alolan grimer can learn sandstorm just like i used it for rain and sun, it actually CAN’T and NEITHER CAN MY LYCANROC??

so i had to use an absolutely demented setup with a random cubone in my PC and it TOOK A HOT FUCKING MINUTE BUT I FINALLY GOT THE BASTARD

i also caught the wimpod i chased away the other day while i was at it but omfg 😭