kaleidoskop-augen

[kaleidoskop-augen]

madness & love

madness is obsession, chaos, greed, jealousy and possessiveness. it makes you have an ongoing desire to be chosen and creates this messy dynamic where you feel paradoxically unsafe and unsatisfied without any form of conflict and pain. madness is often created through trauma bonding, where conflict and pain only feel safe and satisfying because this was the only type of affection that you knew at some point in your life and it therefore feels familiar. we rather tend to choose what feels familiar instead of what is actually good for us.

love on the other hand, brings you peace and contentment. it makes you feel inspired and makes you want to strive to be a better person, not only for the person you love, but also for yourself and the people around you. love makes you appreciate the beauty in everything and makes you grow as a person, because you can be your true, emotionally naked self around one other. it is not tied to any conditions, it is selfless, kind, patient and teaches you respect.

i think with a lot of work, madness can turn into love, as well as the other way around, but it is important to differentiate these two from one another, because sometimes we think we love someone, when in reality we are just mad about them and this feeling often stems from a madness for ourselves when we project our own insecurities on another person that we mistakenly think to love.

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moving on doesn’t mean that it stops hurting. it hurts a little less every day, but that doesn’t mean it completely vanishes.

today I was sitting in the sun, smoking a spliff and as I fell so much in love with the ocean-blue sky, the song I was listening to, reminded me of your ocean-blue soul.

i really missed you that moment and started crying. my tears for you have transformed from oceans into raindrops over a year, but I guess rain always keeps coming back after a while.

our love was so pure but it wasn’t meant to last.

i can still feel all your love in all the beauty of the world and yes, this hurts in a bittersweet way.

[kaleidoskop-augen]

I keep rolling this dice

And sometimes I hope

You do vice

Versa, keep this envelope

Closed

Hoping for luck

I keep trying to get to know

how to crack the code

To hold on to luck

But all I’ve been holding on

To was a crumbling rack

Full of memories

I was hoping to forget.

So all I wanna do is

let it crumble apart

Let go of my guards

Fall into memories

Of acidly sorrow

So I can finally stop

Borrowing luck from someone else.

I’ll stay there, until I dissolve between

My shadows and my light.

I’ll meet you on the other side.

[kaleidoskop-augen]

22.

16 days until I turn 22.

feels pretty unexciting, if ya ask me.

For the first time I unpack

22 years of unhealed trauma,

too long I’ve been fist-fighting

all this drama

My soul has been carrying.

Someone told me

I’m at the start of a journey,

and isn’t it ironic because

Before you take a trip

You should always check your bags.

I’ve been avoiding my bags, I’ve been too ashamed and afraid to see what’s inside.

Turning 22 and it’s the first time I don’t think about death as the answer no more.

I love myself, I love myself so much I could scream it into the world just like when I’m in love with somebody else, because I finally understood that only love can beat the cold in my soul.

You can’t take that away from me.

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Caramel Eyes

I see you

And you see me

I’m lost inside this wondrous gaze

Your eyes are like a mirror

Invisible sparks fly

From face to face

Until your kisses,

Softly burst

Into galaxies inside my veins.

I am you.

And you are me.

I nearly drown inside your sight

If I could paint this scene

And just stop time

We’d fell into infinite lakes

In which caramel and honey

Tenderly melt into

A softly, loving hug.

I feel you

And you feel me

I fade into your landscape

As you fade slowly into mine.

I like to be inside your mind.

I wish I could’ve stayed a longer time.

[kaleidoskop-augen]

„love is only a feeling“

Es fühlte sich seltsam an, an dem Ort vorbeizulaufen, an dem du mich das erste mal geküsst hast.

Das Schaufenster neben dem Späti mit dem Spiegel an der Skalitzer Straße, es war eine unglaublich kalte Nacht, du hattest nur eine dünne Bomberjacke an trotzdem saßen wir stundenlang dort und haben uns die Graffiti auf den vorbeifahrenden U-Bahnen angesehen. Eine Baustelle verdrängte mittlerweile die Sicht auf den Club, in dem wir zuvor gewesen waren und die gelben U-Bahnen fuhren nicht mehr über die Gleise. Schienenersatzverkehr. Die Magie der Nacht war verflogen, deine funkelnden Augen, deren Blicke sich in meine gruben und zwischen sich verschmelzenden Küssen in meine verliebten - sie waren nicht mehr da, aber jedes Mal wenn ich dort noch einmal vorbeilief, musste ich an deine funkelnden karamellfarbenen Augen denken und es fühlte sich ein bisschen magisch an, auch wenn es mit jedem Mal weniger wurde. „Liebe ist nur ein Gefühl“ hast du in unserem letzten Telefonat gesagt. Ich weiß nicht, ob ich es so recht verstanden habe, denn obwohl ich wusste, dass mir nichts anderes übrig blieb, als von dir loszulassen, fragte ich mich, ob ich jemals aufhören würde, nach deinen Tags auf den Hauswänden im Samariterkiez zu suchen.

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how to make the heart and mind fall

“I want connection, I want protection, I want to dig my roots in another heart, so deeply that we form a tree. I wanna calmly rest by its side and find my peace of mind, in a gray-painted world this cruel.”, the heart sighed longingly.

“I wanna grow wings, I wanna fly, experience heights and skies I could’ve never dreamt of, be free and let my spirit float into adventures on this quest of spirituality.”, the mind screamed, driven by hunger for the unexplored. “There has to be more than this numbing boredom in a world this freezing cold.”

So the soul, mediator of this constant bickering, had to master the act of balancing, two longings that belong with each other, but can never agree with one another, they can’t be with but not without the other - The explosive heart and the fluttering mind. Both sensitive, sometimes naive, but with an unstoppable sense of what is wrong and right. The heart wanted love, the mind wanted wisdom, the only way to bring them together was, if the soul made them kiss in a soft, subtle way - so the heart learns to let loose and the mind, how to dive deep. Eventually, they’ll fall into one another.

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Time is running through my hands, I keep holding on to these little pieces of what they call luck. Sometimes I don’t even mind letting go, I forget too many things that I once considered important, too many feelings that were significant once. But too many times I have trouble finding my peace of mind, either because I can’t let go or I’m just wandering around feeling half alive. Time is terrifying me and time keeps running away. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time or stop it for a few seconds just to breathe in the moment, just to remind myself that I’m not just existing, not to forget that I’m here and I am alive and I am feeling all these little pieces of infinity, pieces of fleeting ecstasy. “Sometimes I look up and I see stars that cut through the sky and fade quickly nothingness and I pray that you aren’t as fleeting.” Sometimes I spend too much time in my head while time is passing by, I spend too much time worrying, forgetting what it feels like to be alive, sometimes time just - stops. Time is my enemy, time is my friend, life is short as fuck but sometimes I like to pretend that I have all the time in the world - just go with the flow, don’t hold onto things I can’t control. Time is hollow, sometimes consists of shadows, sometimes time is the light and a bag full of kisses on the cheek. Maybe in the end, I should see time as my friend.

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Violet Dreams and yellow feels

You used to make me feel yellow, now it’s fading away into a violet dream.

Sometimes I almost forget about you

Until you rush back into my fantasy.

I make up schemes about what could’ve been

It’s easier than to feel the pain

Until too many thoughts

And too many daydreams make the pain come back

And the only thing that’s left is just a blurry memory

That barely fills up a hole and leaves a mark.

Tears running down, I ache for you

Your touch, your laugh

Your voice, your look - a gaze into the stars.

Goddammit, boy, you broke my heart

By gluing it together.

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Alice / Rabbit

Alice, the girl with kaleidoscope eyes

I followed her into a cave at midnight

When the white rabbit left his hole

To be company for my trip

slip away all my doubts

Flow down the magic lil stream.

Come little rabbit, into our own lucid dream.

I met Alice, she showed me

The wide and blue sea

And suddenly all the waves

They turned green and then pink

I could draw fish in the water

Without using ink.

The sky was purple

and the clouds made of dust,

So fine, they could taste

the smell of flowers in grass.

I was the sun and the moon

And my rabbit the stars.

He was not mine but he deeply

Belonged to my heart.

So deeply like it never did ever before.

Come, little rabbit let’s see the world and explore.

Flying on wings made of gold

I could feel love on my skin

The purest form of all,

No ego, no romance, no sin.

For a moment all emotion

Was suddenly clear

There was neither curtain nor shadow

My soul did not know any fear.

When I got back to the ground

I told dear Alice goodbye

Left little rabbit behind

But still kept his spirit in mine.

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my moon

I ran away from myself

Trying to find my place

In a fucked up world

Trying to press me into

A fucked up shape.

My feelings too feely

My dreams were too dreamy

So I had to be careful

To not let my thoughts run too deeply.

I’ve always been that misfit

That came from the moon

An alien, that belongs to no one

Somehow always out of tune.

I’ve loved and been kissed

But missed a soul to call home

So I searched for a soul

To find a home in my own.

I like it here inside my mind.

Please let me sit here for a while.

[kaleidoskop-augen]

A love letter I’ve never sent

I miss you. I miss you so much, my chest aches and my head feels dizzy. I forget things because my mind is constantly full of you, only you. I still see your face, when I close my eyes and I still hear your voice through all the music I listen to and it makes me all messed up inside. Your smell is lingering on my sheets and I can still feel your hands in mine and your lips on mine. I can’t decide if I want to sleep or not, cause in my dreams I can touch you and see you, but can only hear you or talk to you awake.

You are a landscape, I wanna get lost in, while still knowing exactly where I am. I wanna climb your mountains, dive into your rivers and lakes, drift on your oceans on a warm, sunny day and explore all your dark caves and deep valleys with all their cracks and fallen rocks.

When I talk about you, I can’t help but smile and thinking about you makes me feel so electrified.

Staring at you and drowning in those softly-glowing eyes makes me feel so complete and charged. I want to fall asleep in your arms and look at you until afternoon and the day after. Oh god, I could look at you forever. I could kiss you forever and the day after.

Your kisses taste like home and feel like galaxies inside my veins and sparkle like small shooting stars on my skin.

I can feel you, I can still feel you and goddammit it hurts.

Still I can’t help but bathe in all those memories from time to time. Your memory feels like the sun shining on a mid-summer afternoon spending on a flowery meadow.

I struggle hard to focus on myself, but fail because all my thoughts always somehow lead back to you. But I still hope you’re trying too.

You opened a part of me, I thought I’d never feel again. You pulled up all these emotions I used to bottle up inside for such a long time.

I fell in love with Berlin, but I even more fell in love with you. It’s gonna be hard coming back, seeing you in every corner and searching for you in every sprayed-on face on every wall.

I hope you don’t become a ghost in the back of my head, I’ll never meet again. If it’s meant to be, maybe time will bring us back together someday.

When you left, you took a part of me with you. Please take care of it. I will always take care of yours too. I’ve loved you.

[kaleidoskop-augen]

Karamell und Bernstein

Ich such nach dir auf jeder Wand, hab mich verloren in dieser Stadt und gefunden, als ich mich in dir verlief.

Ich denke noch oft an dich, eigentlich ständig, habe Angst, dass meine Erinnerung an dich verblasst und endet als ein Geist vergangener Tage.

In meinen Träumen such ich dich, doch find dich nirgendwo, deswegen wühle ich in Wäldern meiner Phantasie.

Mir ist kalt und meine Brust ist leer, als hättest du einen Teil von mir mit dir genommen, als du gegangen bist.

Ich weiß, dass ich nichts tun kann und es quält mich, dabei würde ich so gerne weinen um deine Wärme noch einmal auf meiner Haut zu spüren. Ich vermisse deine Blicke, deine Augen, gottverdammt, diese wunderschönen Augen, in denen Karamell und Bernstein liebevoll in einem unendlich scheinenden See miteinander verschmelzen.

[kaleidoskop-augen]

Blau

Am Rande einer weit entfernten Klippe

Erstreckt sich ein blauer Ozean.

Sein Rauschen

schreit nach unbekannter Lust.

Er hat

Beißend-bittersüße Sehnsucht

nach unschuldiger Frühlingsluft.

Doch der blumige Frühlingsduft

Verfliegt im spätsommerlichen Wind

Zerschellt mit tausend tosenden Wellen

Im tief-graublauen Meeresgrund.

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Molly, Pt. 2

Wo liegt das Limit?

Da liegt sie so stumm

Und lächelt mich an

Funkelnde Kristalle

und ich verlier den Verstand

Bin kurz davor zu schweben

Glaub, ich hab mich verliebt

Denn wenn ich sie spür, vergess ich

Dass es mehr als uns beide gibt.

Ich will maximales Glück

Am besten unverpackt

Vielleicht mit Schleife

Wie sie Dinge zu sehen vermag.

Mit ihr bin ich alles auf einmal

Doch gleichzeitig verbaut

Denn wenn ich sie spür, vergess ich

Dass es mehr als uns beide braucht.

Dissonanz von Traum und Realität

Verschwimmen in einem Fluss

Ihrer flüchtigen Zärtlichkeit...

Sky is the limit

Doch hast du mal gekostet

Einen Ausflug ins All?

[kaleidoskop-augen]

half a person

I’m so sick of all this cheap beer, the shabby smoke-smelling bars and the loud club music that lately all sounds the same to me.

Waking up with a sour taste in your mouth because you were too drunk or high to brush your teeth last night and not being sure, whether you wanted to go out yesterday or whether you just did it, because you weirdly felt like you had to.

I’m so sick of filling this void inside of me with all these drugs, meaningless sex and lovers who are just as half a person as I am but can’t complete me.

You somehow realise that you don’t need to be completed by another person, because you are indeed a whole person. But you don’t feel whole, and even though you know that this feeling will fade away someday, there’s still something empty in your soul and heart but you can’t quite tell what it is and what could fill this void, so you continue doing the same shit you’ve been doing since months, continuing to feel like half a person.

[kaleidoskop-augen]

Erwachsen werden?

Wir stürzen uns ins Ungewisse

Auf der Suche nach uns selbst

Dachten immer wir hätten uns gefunden

Doch allein auf sich gestellt

Dreht sich nichts mehr nur um uns

Kleines Ich

Große Welt

Wer bist du gewesen, Kind

Wo führen deine Wege hin

Die Narben auf den Knien sind noch immer nicht verheilt

Früher dachten wir, man könnte greifen nach Unendlichkeit

Heute nur ein trüber Traum

Zurechtgemeißelt, doch beinahe abgehauen.

Wir tanzen länger, um nicht gehen zu müssen

Verdrücken

Uns vor uns selbst um nicht sehen zu müssen

Dass es zu einfach ist,

fliegen zu vergessen

Sich zufriedenzugeben

Mit Resten

Der der trüben Träume

Die nicht mal uns gehören.

Gemeinsam einsam

Doch sich binden will keiner

Zu viel zu verlieren?

Nur Verliebtsein ist heiter.

Wir verlieben uns zu schnell

Meistens in Fremde

Weil man nicht weiß, was Liebe ist

Immer tänzelnd auf einem Seil

Zwischen Sehnsucht und Geborgenheit.

Wir kriegen von nichts genug

aber wollen auch nicht zu viel

Weil wir die Grenzen erst austesten

Und suchen nach dem Maximum

Obwohl wir das Minimum gerade erst mal kennen.