kalki-is-going-insane

[kalki-is-going-insane]

TED Talks for the New Year

Here are TED Talks that will give you a guide to a successful year

How to learn anything

Power food for the brain

Secret to self-control

Don't be a jerk to yourself

Building your identity capital

Improving your body language

What your future self wants

Saying Yes

Habits of original thinkers

Become the person you can't imagine

Designing the life you want

Be your own life coach

How to talk so that people listen

Curiosity over ambition

Life is your biggest project

How to achieve your most ambitious goals

[kalki-is-going-insane]

26/01/2023 - 06:29 am

Dear Diary

It really has been a year since i fucked up enough to warrant a blog post on this sub blog but i did.

[kalki-is-going-insane]

not being able to speak your native language is really just a whole different kind of pain

[kalki-is-going-insane]

it was sad, strange even. we didn't fall apart raging, it would hurt less if we did i believe. we withered away soundlessly. my heart still pins down the screams echoing in it's chambers. if only we fell apart raging, my heart would've been quieter.

[kalki-is-going-insane]

Life keeps giving me chances and i keep fucking up.

[kalki-is-going-insane]

24/07/2022 - 1:37 am

Dear Diary

Mom woke me up and then i went to the gym. I told everyone i got 92%. If only. I had a body analysis test done. In which I found out i lost only 200g

My trainer told me that now that he would guide me i would loose weight. And i am glad i ended up with him as my new trainer. He does make me exercise more.

I came home with dad after picking fruits. In the middle we enquired about the driving school. We also asked a badminton academy. Then we came home after some driving practice.

Mom got a job at Orchids Internation as a primary english teacher. Good for her. I would love to have some alone time to myself at home.

I was thinking about sugar waxing and a diy manicure. Then we went to the academy for the intermediate batch. It was tough. Playing with the others. I also have to buy gum ball shoes.

I talked to dadda and daddi ma and i get that they are trying to be supportive, i just want to be left alone you know?

Talked to sanskriti and she got fucking 96.7% and since moms been refreshing school facebook i dont know how she’ll react when someone gets good marks you know ?

Made scrambled eggs for dinner. Watched random yt videos. Really waiting for NCR days episode 2. Which reminds me to subscribe sarthak, timeliners and all from my main account. Also need to buy underwear and some shorts.

Also heard sabrinas new album really happy for her and wanted to update my pfp and blog

Good night

[kalki-is-going-insane]

22/07/2022 - 4:00 pm

Dear Diary Today has been stressful and yet i feel nothing. I woke up late and went to the bathroom pretty tired. As i was scrolling through my tumblr dash, I realised that Cbse Results were out. I immediately googled the news and seconds later, Mom came banging the door that the results are out.

I quietly washed my face and got my laptop out to check the results. I was able to get my results in seconds, unlike 10th the site did not crash. I pretended it did because I wasn't ready to tell my parents about the results just yet. My started getting calls from the schools she had applied to and people started calling about my results.

After calculating my result, I got 83.2%. At first I was relieved it wasn't below 75 because I for sure was convinced that I am going to fail. Dad started calling and asking for my Admit Card. Then I told my mom the result, she was weirdly supportive. I thought she was going to tear me limb from limb.

Though I agree with her there is no way i got so low marks in Biology. I don't know the marks of other kids, but Pari and Devansh got good marks. I am happy for them. A little jealous but happy for them. They worked hard and got what they deserved.

Dad came back home, and they both were reassuring me that 'we will figure it out' I agree with them when they said I messed up too because I did. I don't know why I never told them before, maybe I am just afraid of disappointing them.

Its ironic isn't it? I feared failure and yet I carry it on my chest all the time now. Mom said, 'Its remarkable that I even got so many marks with the pandemic, Aakash, Neet and everything else going on.' And I still don't know how to tell this woman that I never picked a book up in the past 2 years and walked in the exams completely unprepared.

Why? To be very honest, I am not sure. I do want to study 11th and 12th Physics and Chemistry one day, maybe just to prove it to myself that I am still worth. That I haven't changed much. Maybe the same way I felt about Neet. It feels like running away. Feels like I am being a coward.

And if bravery is just knowing when to quit sometimes, I don't think I am brave. I don't know why I wanted to be a doctor or hell still do. Maybe because most my life it has been the only option. It is hell. Yes but it is my hell. It feels familiar, and somehow i believe my brain has made this Neet + Mbbs hell my own fucked up comfort zone that it won't let me leave.

Maybe I am scared of change, no matter how much I applaud myself for being able to adapt to new environments. Maybe this is why I latch onto tv shows, characters, books and people.

I was just watching Keyona Fasli's new YouTube video when I realised, this is what I want. I want to live in a foreign country, where there is a better quality of life. I want to study abroad, get a good job, have close friends, party, make memories, get a job, fall in love, buy a house. etc.

My main motivation was to be happy, that was my passion. And somehow I had forgotten that, in this pandemic. For a long time it felt, as if time just went by as I worked on auto pilot.

I tried, I really did in the beginning but after that, I was just done. So I left. And that is where it got me today. made me the person with no motivation, low self-esteem and suicidal, antisocial person.

I had dreams, ambitions, drive once. Maybe I was something real real once. It feels like someone took me out of my own body during 2020 and then just put me back into this sad husk of a human that I have become.

I always wake up with dread filling my veins, wanting to sleep all day and having no energy. I know I joke about my mental health but I genuinely want to kill myself and that scares me. And I don't want to live that way.

My self-esteem and social skills have taken such a big hit that i can't do anything without questioning myself every 2 minutes. Am i stupid? Am I making a mistake?

But Now I feel like I am ready you know? To just take psychology and study that. In England or Australia. Anywhere. I just need to get out of here.

I hope that I get selected in the September intake but if not then the January at least. I want to go to dancing, I want to write weirdly specific fanfiction. I just want to be happy.

I think if money was never the problem, I would just open a bakery and learn random things you know? Do a history major. Become a dancer or something like that.

Leaving science feels a lot like leaving and betraying my past self but it needs to be done.

I don't know where I was going with this, I had a point. But I pray to god, things turn out fine. Also my relatives and friends won't leave me alone.

[kalki-is-going-insane]

Honestly, this is just going to be a diary blog. I am just use this as a personal vent blog for whenever i want.