kaorinessislove - Tumblr blog

[kaorinessislove]

20210711

hi tumblr, it’s been a while since i last opened you. 

well here i am again because i think i needed to vent out my emotions. because if not, i know for sure that it will gonna eat me inside. 

you know what, since i started dating my entire life, i had no idea that i’ll become this girl who would be just an option for someone i am interested with. you wanna know the reason why my first boyfriend and i broke up? he broke up with me with a very vague reason the moment my bestfriend in highschool became single again. i didn’t know the real reason behind the breakup not until the day i was hanging out with my other friend in her house and she told me the real reason because she thought i deserved to know. it was very embarrasing because i literally cried hard that day (oh well because it was my first heartbreak) and what’s more hard was my bestfriend was also in love with that guy i used to date and to be honest with you it took me time to heal but eventually i accepted it because i felt that they were both sincere (well, they’re not together know, they are both happy with their own love lives) and even until today i remained friends with the girl and i am very close to her family.

fast forward to college.

so i met this guy on the 3rd term of my 1st year college days. we dated for almost 5 months. i really thought he was sincere, to him, i lost my virginity and made me believe that i was the first. ignoring all the red flags that came my way i continued to the relationship until we both decided to end things between us, little did i know that i was once again encountering something similar with my first. a month after our breakup , i don’t know why but we were starting to talk again  BUT there was a caring friend of mine who told me the whole story the time we broke up. they were in a club drinking with my girl friend, my friend who told me everything, my ex and other people. though my friend was tipsy, he was sure of what he saw, that my friend and my ex were kissing. at first i am not bothered since we were not dating that time. but there was a day of confrontation where i learned everything. that the time and moment we were dating,my ex was thinking of my friend the whole time right from the start  wishing that he was with her instead of me. like WHAT THE FUCK like why did u bother yourself and most especially bother me and waste my time lol. oh because he cant be with that girl because his friend is dating that girl. so i was a total wreck but with the help of my college friends, i surpassed that time of my life.

fast forward today. 

I was a dating a guy who has a very high libido. and u know what i am really doing my best to catch up with that libido of him because he said that sexual relationship is important to him. though there are plenty of times that i would get into trouble because of that. so the other day, he said he was reflecting on about his life and the next step we would make for our relationship to grow until we came on a certain topic about sexual fantasy. i know what’s his sexual fantasy is, it’s threesome with me and of course with other woman. and i asked who’s the other woman in his fantasy aside from me, though i already have a clue of who she is. IT’S NON OTHER THAN MY BESTFRIEND IN COLLEGE. idk why but though i already  expected it there’s something heavy inside me i carry since the first day i found out. I was ok the night i found out but the day after, it drove me crazy until now. the reasons as to why she’s in his fantasy was we three have the common things, like we are living alone in other countries, that SHE IS HIS TYPE. mind you that was the exact word of his. that she has a beautiful face (because she is half british and almost of the guys in college are dying to date her) that she is intelligent (undeniably intelligent) that she is kind (indeed) and last but not the least she has a nice body. like what the fuck hahahahahahaha though prior to telling me this honestly. he told me that i should not be angry. i know i am not this beautiful, nor intelligent (i am average but i am more streetwise lol) and it suddenly became my source of insecurity. BECAUSE I remember the time before my man asked me to change his ig and twitter pw, that friend of mine was the last person he searched lol and he liked whatever she tweeted. 

i still wasnt able to tell him about what bothers me now but since that day i don’t reply to his messages properly and as of the moment i am on my nightshift and i cant seem to focus well so i did make use of our internet here to vent out (my boss told me that it’s ok to use the internet and study lol) tbh my fingers hurt right now lol. 

my real thought right now; i am tired to be an option. tired to be someone who’s always available. if they dont like me from the start i really hope that they would just let me live my simple life, because to begin with i didnt need and want them. i think i deserve more. i deserve the freedom that i long ever since. and because of this, despite my age (turning 24 in a few days) i no longer want a commitment because of this trauma. lol 3 times and i thought i was enough but was never enough. because of this, i aspire to be a strong, independent woman that no man can reach me because i am afraid i might be an option again. i dream to be the crazy rich  person who smokes and drinks a lot, may be alone, but free. totally different from the real me because i was told that im boring then. u really dont know what you’re capable of when you’re hurt.