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[karlasblog31]

Tuesday 8th December

I got out of the clinic on the 6th. I had ECT while I was in there and I think it may have been a mistake. I think it has made the derealisation feeling worse.

[karlasblog31]

Friday 27th November

So at the moment I'm in New Farm. I'm having both TMS and ECT. I couldnt bear waiting the 10+ days it takes for TMS to start working alone.

Lyse has started talking to me like she did in the past. I was really disconnected before I came in and was having trouble with my memory and staying on track with conversations and she would say "for fuck sake Raj you're so fucking slow". Like Jane said "did she ever ask if I was ok?" NOPE!

Honestly, if she goes off one more time about anything I'm ready to walk away. I can't go through this again.

I came in to the clinic on the 21st and will be in until the 5th.

I realised how much Mum really did influence me about weight. I went out for lunch with her and Kaitlin the other week and she said "you girls get what you want, I'm not allowed to eat so please please dont get me anything". Then last night she was saying how she has lost 6kg. Makes sense.

I applied for Palliative Care and Mental Health last week. So fingers crossed.

[karlasblog31]

Wednesday 30th September

I hope everything went well with the birth of your new bubba. I sent you a thought during the Covid insanity hoping you were able to have everything go smoothly and not have to be alone.

So 2020 sucks and can f*ck right off. I think we all know that. Ha!

Yes, I'm still working in CAM 🤦‍♀️. We didn't have any Covid cases in our ward thankfully - luckily we're a locked ward. We've been at pretty much full capacity the whole time though because

A) other wards shut down

B) families put off finding facilities because they knew they wouldn't be able to visit them whereas most of the time our patients could have 1 visitor (with the 2nd spike that has changed)

I emailed mental health and they only have casual positions and I'd rather do private mental health because it would really just be the same shit show I do now - trying and being abused by people who don't want my help. And Palliative Care said to message next year and see if they have positions. I have become more assertive at work, being able to tell patients to speak to me with respect/not swear at me/not to physically harm me (if they're not too cognitively impaired and KNOW what they're doing/saying). There's so many moments I wonder "if I wasn't a nurse what the hell would I do because I'm not good at things" but as Jane reminded me not all nursing is like this.

The CN (Jake) called me in on my last day before holidays and said he had gotten 2 comments about me "not coping". I, not helping my case, burst in to tears. I was coping, only just, but I realised I couldn't even fake it hard enough to please and thats what upset me. Despite the tears, I told him I was fine.

Yet only a few days before Jake had called me in to tell me there was a position for the Workplace Health and Safety Representative and they wanted me to take it. There was a vote but he told me all the management were voting for me. I got the call to say I got the position but completely freaked out that I wasn't capable and gave it away. Of course.

But I was confused how I suddenly went from being voted for a new position to "not coping" 🤷‍♀️

After that, I had (scheduled rec leave) 3 weeks off which was a saviour. I realised how bad shape I was in. I had a blood test and I was deficient in pretty much everything that gives energy. I stayed in the clinic for a week and a half - probably needed a little bit more but I wanted some of my holiday at home. So afterwards I went back to work for 2 days and fell over (not at work unfortunately) and ended up having to take another week off in a moonboot. So 4 weeks off was great. I was more patient and resilient when I came back. (But it looked ridiculous because Anabelle and I were in a moon boot and Lyse was in a cast - all separate incidences at basically the same time).

Our CNC/NUM (Wendy) told me I was finally being put up to .9 because the person I was "taking over for" finally got pension and it would take 5 weeks for the paperwork to come through. She also retired the day before I went on holidays. When I came back there was no paperwork. She popped in randomly and I asked her and she said she forgot to do the paperwork and Jake was now on it. I went and saw Jake and it is no longer happening and I MIGHT go up when someone retires later this year. Basically he's given the hours to his friend he employed. They're just screwing me around and at certain points its like "what's the point?"

Lyse and I have had our moments. I think the last big fight was about the money and her finding out I had a savings account that I wasn't giving her money out of. But I think that was before you left. She has a go at me or says things and I just let it go. I've written things that I want to say to her but never sent it.

I started contact with Mum again on Mothers Day. I found some photos and one fell out of her holding me and it said "my beautiful baby girl" on it and it changed my perspective sort of? I caught up with her and Kaitlin (I wanted it just Mum and I but for some reason Kaitlin was insistent) a couple of weeks ago. It was actually good, and our conversations have been good. Her anxiety is +++++++. She couldn't even order her own lunch and almost can't drive at all anymore.

Its coming up to 1 year on the 30th September since Dad did what he did last year (I still always put it that way when I talk about it...). And I'm finding it much harder than I thought I would; he survived, so why am I still finding it so fricking hard? He seems like a new man since moving to this new company. He's out doing things and whenever he facetimes us (he's working away) he seems so happy. I still wonder though.

Jane and I have been keen for your return. I think Jane has asked me when every appt I've had 🤣. But I said to her what am I actually meant to be working on???? I know I'm not right but I dont know where to start and how do I actually change THIS after 28 years of it. She said how the sensory group made a big difference with the dissociation stuff so that kind of thing. And self esteem etc etc.

In general I've been just very flat and vague these past few months. It seems like this is just my baseline now... forgetting time and questioning whether things happened.

Anyway... I hope you and your lil' family are happy and healthy. I have no idea what the rules will be re appointments or the world in general by the time you come back. But please look after yourself! I think its this month you're coming back so thought I would post an update. Sorry it's so long 🤦‍♀️

[karlasblog31]

7th March

... I just sent it. I changed minor things. But I've blocked her number and her on fb messenger so she cant respond bevause I know it will be absolute poison. I even said that to Janeen and she agreed because of how shes been before

So as you said, we both needed to do some thinking. And I have done so.

If someone who I thought was my best friend who we had been through hell and back together put me in the group of people who she needs to even assess their position in their life I can't allow myself to be put through that. To think that one would make someone ("important" to them) have to twiddle their thumbs at home waiting to find out if they have a best friend anymore or not in my eyes is just... torturing someone! And I can't allow that to be done to me any longer. Let alone someone who feels ok to do it to someone with even half the respect I thought our friendship deserved shows a lot of things. But hey thats just my priorities I guess; and we've established that we have different priorities. Yes you're doing it with others but I had thought our friendship was beyond even questioning it. I'll save you the time, you do not have to think about it for a bit. I'm not gonna be the one who has to wait around to see if I'm going to make the cut and see if I'm still going to have a best friend or not depending on their decision like I have had to do on multiple occasion. So I've made it. I'm stepping back.

My phone wont receive messages for a period until we both calm down because we're gonna go round in circles like the other day.

[karlasblog31]

7th March

Janeen came to mine after Lyses. I left it for hours and didn't bring it up but then told her exactly what happened and she even said "I've been told a whole different story".

Apparently I never see them- I see them more than my frickin family.

And all this other bullshit.

I have this written to send to her. I said to Janeen/Kaitlin I would give her till my shift ends today at 3.30pm to give me an answer as to whether I deserve to be in her life then I'm going to send it. But Kaitlin now said maybe wait till Monday. So my mind may change.

But this is what I have ready:

"So as you said, we both needed to do some thinking. And I have done so.

If someone who I thought was my best friend who we had been to hell and back together put me in the group of people who she needs to even assess their position in their life I can't allow myself to be put through that. To think that one would make someone ("important" to them) have to twiddle their thumbs at home waiting to find out if they have a best friend anymore or not in my eyes is just... torturing someone! And I can't allow that to be done to me. Let alone someone feeling ok to do it to someone with even half the respect I thought our friendship deserved shows a lot of things. But hey thats just my priorities I guess; and we've established that we have different priorities. Yes you're doing it with others but I had thought our friendship was beyond even questioning it. I'll save you the time, you do not have to think about it. I'm not gonna be the one who has to wait to see if I'm still going to have a best friend or not depending on their decision like I have had to do on multiple occasion. So I've made it. I'm stepping back.

For reasons of previous experiences, from here on in my phone is not receiving messages and my social media will not be receiving messages for a period."

[karlasblog31]

6th March

Yesterday she cancelled our massage we had today because she "didnt want ti see anyone" but is now at coffee with Janeen who she has been talking about HORRIBLY the past 6 months. IM SO FUCKING ANGRY. I keep texting Kaitlin what I want to say but she keeps saying to leave it for now.

[karlasblog31]

6th March

E is driving me nuts. She elected to cover Janeen for green and went out and bought more and then invited me over (after everything had been bought and I wasn't consulted). I put in $30 but she then found out I have a savings account and is upset I didn't put more in from there. I told her I dont use my savings for green anymore and she started going on that obviously we have different priorities because she would have helped me out but "obviously (I'm) more self focussed". I said to her I give you money all the time and this one time I didnt and I'm getting in trouble! And how dare I bring that up.

She was saying she was taking a step back from "alot of people" over the past month and last night she told that invluded me and she has some real thinking to do about who her friends are 😐 WHAT THE FUCK. So I've been thrown in the "to be assessed basket" just like all the other bastards who let her down every day? Nice.

[karlasblog31]

6th February

I'm in NFC at the moment, I came in on the 2nd and am leaving on the 8th.

I ended up taking 2 days off instead of the 1 I was going to allow myself 🙈 it was just too much.

Being in an autistic patients room who's hysterically screaming and crawling on the floor while we try to get her up, while having another patient at the door yelling at us that we're c*nts and to shove 2 d!cks up you, while ANOTHER patient yells at HER from the loungeroom that shes a "rude bitch" and to "shut the fuck up" 😂 I lost my patience a bit.

BUT hopefully things will be better when I go back Monday and I'll be more equipped to cope.

I have a referral for an ultrasound for my stomach. Jane thinks it's the pot because my levels were really high this time... but I'm in here/not smoking and it's still happening. So I don't see the connection. I'm still going to get the ultrasound.

Jane walked in yesterday with Dads psychiatrist! Hes come back to NFC as Jane's registrar so apparently Dad is seeing a lady. I hope she's nice. It sounds stupid but I got a bit emotional after seeing him. It just reminded me of everything. Not that I can forget.

[karlasblog31]

12 January

I've been feeling kinda off lately. Just really tearful and getting really anxious.

Work is absolutely draining me in every way possible. We're full capacity and every person we have is so physically and emotionally full on. I swear I was called a c*nt about 20 times today. And I know it's the disease and it's part of the job but eventually it just gets to you. Well it has to me anyway. I shouldn't let it. Every morning as I get ready I get really anxious and contemplate calling in sick because I don't feel I will be able to physically/mentally be able to handle it. When I'm there I'm ok - I can tell I'm not myself though (well my usual "work self").

Lyse has gone back to her old habits. I dont know if getting a job has brought with it some kind of feeling of entitlement but it's driving me nuts.

[karlasblog31]

8th January 2020

All I've really been doing is working. I worked Christmas and Boxing Day for the first time. They offered me more hours at work starting the 13th of this month and my roster is crazy (in my mind).. I'm really anxious whether I'll cope. But normal people do this all the time so I need to just suck it up.

Dad and Audrey went to bali for Christmas again as planned. I was worried about Dad, and maybe this was a "goodbye" thing.. like in the days before he did what he did he got Audrey down to Ballina to have a last few days with her? I dont know if that makes sense... but I was worried this would be the same thing. They're home now though...

[karlasblog31]

18th November

I had my meeting at work where they see how you're going. She said she had only heard really good things about me and my work but my head won't let that stand true. I wish I could just accept compliments. Just occasionally.

Work is really getting hard. Not just being emotionally ""stable"" for it. But because of the HUGE accreditation next week we have lost a lot of our safety measures (restraints). And it's kind of a scary place.

I applied for the adolescent mental health facility they're building behind my place but they said something about not needing ENs.

I still don't really know what's going on with my head. I still feel so yuck.

I was talking to audrey and asked about our suicide notes. She Dad now said he doesn't want any of us to have them (including her) and it will just "add to the trauma". But that his boss said the gist of it was that we knew he was struggling with work for the past few years and he felt he was letting us down by not being able to cope with it.

I'm still thinking about all of this far too much. And it's still impacting me more than it should by now.

[karlasblog31]

13th November

Why am I finding it is only getting harder every day?

I called in sick Tuesday because I just... couldn't? Then had a day off today and now I'm scared of whether I'll make it through tomorrows shift? I don't know what makes me think I won't. I just don't feel good, at all.

I honestly was thinking of somewhere I could run away to for a little while. But disappearing wouldn't look very good with work and losing my job would be even worse...

[karlasblog31]

4th November

I ended up going in to the clinic for 3 nights - it was good to not be on my own.

Kaitlin and I took turns staying with Dad last week when Audrey went away. He seems ok? He keeps saying he's ok? But I don't know what to believe.

He wasnt able to get a position at a new company so he is going back to where he was 🤦‍♀️. He has 1 more week off...

Honestly, things really haven't picked back up. I don't know how to.

I feel like I'm just surviving. I saw Jane the other day and she thought I had taken my meds wrong or something!

I feel so flat and exhausted.

Work is so awful right now. Just the mixture of patients is making it so violent and physically/emotionally exhausting. I had to break a promise to a man the other day which I was always brought up never to do so I never have.

[karlasblog31]

6th October

All I can do is stare and think and cry.

I found out Dad planned this for days before he did it. He invited audrey to Ballina for the weekend and that was his goodbye to her. I spoke to him Sunday night and it breaks my fucking heart to know that he knew that was our last phone call 😭

Kaitlin and I are still at Dads place. Hes been joking around and trying to act like nothing has happened. Except when he sees me crying he hugs me tighter than he ever has.

It's 12.26am Sunday and Kaitlin and I are too scared to go to sleep because dad is still sitting outside by himself. We tried to stay down there but he realised what we were doing and told us 'sweetie I'm not going nowhere and not doing nothing. I promised you I would never do that again and I'm not going to start breaking promises now'. So we came inside but still have the door open so we can hear him.

I'm scared to go home. I know audrey is here but I'm so terrified of leaving him. He disappeared inside today for only a few minutes and I lost the plot.

I'm scared to go to work. I'm so fake there and I dont think I have it in me to be even more fake and push through this to put on a even bigger front.

Today I felt a way I haven't felt in a very long time.

He invited his best mate over for dinner and I couldnt understand why we were all sitting around the table and everyone was laughing and chatting... it feels wrong.

This is so fucked up. I came so close to losing him 😭. I never thought this was even a possibility of happening. I dont know what to do.

[karlasblog31]

5th October

Kaitlin and I were asked to meet Audrey at mine after work yesterday and we were told that dad had attempted suicide 😭

Hes been working on this huge job in Ballina in nsw for months and has been really really stressed. He didnt turn up for work so they called Audrey. Someone went around to his motel and found suicide notes to me, Kaitlin and and Audrey. The police were called, him and his truck were gone. There was 2 hours where they couldnt find him and they thought he was dead. The police tracked him and found him unconscious in his truck after he had OD'ed, slit his wrist and gassed himself with the car exhaust/monoxide poisoning, and other stuff but when audrey got to "and when he drove to the top of the mountain.." I yelled at her to stop cause I couldnt handle hearing what else he tried but she said he tried "every way". He was rushed to the hospital and had stitches etc and by that time audrey had driven to him in Lismore Hospital. He was discharged in to her care and she brought him home.

When we got to his he just hugged Kaitlin and i while we all cried. He promised he would never do it again and he regretted it... he has a massive bandage on his wrist and his car was taken because he did it all in the car.

He had text Kaitlin and I a few days ago asking what Audrey's birthday was but we thought he was just being forgetful but he was changing everything over to her name for when he died... so this was planned.

I don't even know what to do or say - I've just been crying. He promised he would never ever do it again. But thats what everyone else said 😭

[karlasblog31]

21st September

Things have been alright with work :) I had 1 week as buddy shifts so this week was my first by myself and it went fine as far as I know - I made a few mistakes the other day that I was really embarrassed about.

Everyone there has been so lovely.

I'm very tired though

[karlasblog31]

3rd September

I received my official employment package yesterday so everything must have finally gone through. As soon as I got the email though my stomach dropped and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest and I didn't want it anymore and I was thinking of everything that could possibly go wrong.

I just have a heap of forms to get back to them asap.

I had a bit of a fight with Liv. Honestly I was just over it, sitting for hours with her in the ER, organising to visit her at home and she cancels, being the only one who looks for her when she disappears and getting worried sick. Then she posts all over the internet how she has "no one", "no one cares" and she "hasn't had a visitor in 7 months". I just basically said to her I'm sick of being the "no one" who cares and her saying no one is visiting her when I try all the time and she has never once been to my house so why am I the only one making effort. She went off how I'm just like Elyse and put the blame on her and she's had agoraphobia and I don't always reply to her texts etc. It's a bit awkward now but we're talking again.

I think I was in a bad mood but I was just so angry.