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I know it’s not the 25th just yet but this lousy year deserves an early Christmas. So grab some coffee, wine or snacks and sit around the fireplace with me.

By now we all know that TTB is a bit angry. She doesn’t know who to be angry at, and she’s definitely not going going to be angry at herself, so she’s doing the next best thing: writing angry emails to people she doesn’t like.

Unfortunately I’m not one of those lucky recipients 🤷‍♀️ She knows that the best way to truly hurt me is to pretend I do not exist, and that is my curse. But I still managed to get my little goblin hands on one of these emails, and just call me Inez because you bet your ass I’m going to tell you all about it.

I propose a personal goal for all of us in 2021: to develop the level of self-confidence that allows you to write an email referring to yourself in the 3rd person.

I’m particularly a fan of the last line “your posts continue to be monitored”. I know she means it as a threat of sorts, but since I’m an attention whore I’d just be thrilled knowing there’s at least one person who will always read my nonsense.

At this point, I’m sure we’re all thinking the same thing: “well that’s an impressive resumé” - but ALSO “a death threat?! HOW? WHEN?”

You might even be wondering if you missed something - you always suspected that silly job of yours was distracting you from what’s really important.

Don’t you worry, TTB has receipts. So, if you’re feeling raunchy, let’s take a look at this ~unlawful behaviour~.

TTB, sweetheart, where’s the spoiler alert? I was only half a chapter away from that bit!

I’m going through an overload of thoughts, let me bring back my always helpful bullet points.

It’s quite wholesome that the “embarrassing efforts to delve into [TTB’s] personal life” turned out to be just someone saying “I heard she’s straight and married” and then making a Harry Potter reference.

It’s quite cute that TTB thinks she can threaten legal action on people who told her to “fuck off” on the internet.

You guys know I’m not the nitpicky kinda gal but... for the sake of the argument, okay? Technically Bellatrix was never mention in that ~death threat~. For all we know, going “full Molly Weasley” could mean “settling down and having 7 kids with a handsome ginger lad”, “help an unaccompanied orphan walk through a wall” or “knit very nice Christmas jumpers that her children won’t appreciate.” Molly Weasley did a lot more than killing Bellatrix. Justice for Molly, is what I’m saying.

It is now when TTB starts getting her (what I can only imagine) perfectly manicured claws out, “you’ve been a bad Jew and I’m going to report you to the Jew police”.

Guys, a little bit of a PSA here: right now TTB is feeling cornered, so she’s at her most dangerous. She’s doing her best to find ‘dirt’ on people who have criticised her, and then is using that dirt to humiliate them somehow – or maybe even get them fired? So, if you think you could be one of these people and there’s an embarrassing fanfic you wouldn’t like your postman to see, it might be a good idea to do something about it.

OOF! The last line is magnificently evil. Big fan, TTB, seriously. It reminds me of those times when nudes are leaked online and people start saying “wEll iF sHE DidN’t wANt thOsE pICtuREs tO Be SeEN shE sHOulDn’T hAVe TAkEn ThEM”... but that’s a straw man argument on my part, and I can recognise that.

However. There is something poetic about TTB calling out someone for “attempting to delve into her personal life” and then going through a lot of trouble to find out where and for whom that person works. Some people would call that hypocritical. I call it poetic because I’m a romantic.

TTB threatening someone to take them to “the proper law enforcement authorities” for “wrecking TTB’s shit” is the equivalent of me buying a cheap ‘sexy police officer’ Halloween costume, and going around telling people to compliment my hair or they’ll be taken to polyester jail.

(Spoiler alert: this email is from the 17th of this month, this person hasn’t taken down a single thing, and nothing has happened.)

I bet you thought this email couldn’t get any better. But that’s what you get when you underestimate TTB. You get Taylor Doe.

Anyway, TTB babe, I extend my hand to you once again. Would you consider taking me to the proper law enforcement authorities? I’ve been a very unlawful girl. I can be behaviourally out of control, if that’s what you’re into. If you’re having trouble getting my contact details, don’t sweat it! Have Theprologues DM me and I’ll give you my email address. I can even give you my mum’s email, maybe you’ll have better luck than me explaining to her why I spend so much time staring at my phone. You tell me whose email you need and I can even find you some drunk pictures of me and a list of people I’ve hooked up with - let’s go big, TTB, we can do this!

Sincerely,

Karlie Incognito

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Foxnhound: @marcjacobs FW20

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Karlie Kloss backstage at Marc Jacobs FW 2020

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Karlie Kloss and Bella Hadid at Marc Jacobs FW 2020 backstage

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Karlie Kloss backstage at Marc Jacobs FW 2020

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Bella Hadid at the Marc Jacobs fashion show in NYC tonight, with a photobomb by her mom, Yolanda, and Karlie Kloss

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This slow mo right here nothing else

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Karlie Kloss x Marc Jacobs FW 2020

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Karlie Kloss for Marc Jacobs FW 2020

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Karlie Kloss walking Marc Jacobs FW NYFW 2020

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Karlie Kloss for Jean Paul Gaultier Final Paris Haute Couture Show

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In honor of Jean-Paul Gaultier’s announcement that he is stepping down from his label after 50 years, a small collection of the most epic Karlie walks 💥

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Karlie x Carolina Herrera Fantastic Pink

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“Well, listen, I was honored to be the first memes of the decade…But honestly the real tragedy of this whole thing is that no one is talking how terrible that dress was. That’s why he went home! And no, I would not wear that dress to any dinner.”

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Karlie and Josh in NYC today

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Karlie for Carolina Herrera

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Karlie for Project Runway tonight