karmasthoughts-blog - Tumblr blog

[karmasthoughts-blog]

Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself.

[karmasthoughts-blog]

My boyfriend told me about a conversation he had with someone long ago. The man had asked him this... "Why does no one pray for the Devil? Doesnt he need prayer the most?"

Anonymous

[karmasthoughts-blog]

How would you look at me.

What would you think if i said i was supposed to be dead at 16.

How would you look at me?

If i told you about the time my father sat me down at 12, poured a glass of bleach and threatened to drink it in front of me.

How would you look at me?

If you knew about the day my dad threw a knife at my head but stuck in the wall 3 inches away.

How would you look at me?

If you knew about all the days and nights i locked myself in my dark closet and cried while collecting bloody tissues from my self inflicted wounds.

How would you look at me?

I was supppsed to be dead at 16.

How would you look at me, if i told you about the night i swallowed 98 pills and woke up the next morning with my dad and close friend crying next to my hospital bed.

How would you look at me?

Now, ill be 26 in 3 days. And still fighting my demons that haunt me from my past.

I have a 3 year old. And i fear for him.

Having a mother thats batteling mental health since birth herself. Contiplating suicide every other day.

I had my son for all the wrong reasons. I was alone and felt so unloved. I knew my son would love me. Now i fear he'll hate me when hes old enough to see on his own.

How would you look at me if you knew this.

Learning to cope. Learning to better my unhealthy mind. Learning to be me while learning to be a mother. Learning how not to poison my sons healthy mind, while batteling mine daily.

All i want to do is end my life. But how selfish would that be. To bring my son into this life when he didnt ask to be. Just to learn that mommy wasnt strong enough for this life, leaving him behind to fight it for himself. Leaving him with unanswered questions. Leaving him with the same amount of hurt and betrayal i was left with.

How would you look at me?

They say that "truth will set you free".

I hope they're right.

How would you look at me?

[karmasthoughts-blog]

[karmasthoughts-blog]

Sarcasim and compassion of mom life.

Mom: *works long hard days, runs errands, struggles to pays bills, deals with shitty people on a daily, crowded grocery stores, etc.*

-walks into home with 3 year old son.

-son is cranky and emotional. Having a bad day as we all do.

Son: i want juice mom.

Mom: no. Youve had plenty of juice baby. Drink a cup of water before you can have more juice.

-son cries.

~mom looks at son and thinks to herself;

"Your having a bad day? Really! YOU! a 3 year old who played at daycare all day while i just did enough in one day that should have lasted a week and have to repeat today tomorrow....and your having a bad day!?"

...........

Lol. My sarcastic thoughts about toddlers having bad days. We all have them. Understandable. But if only i too could cry about the little things.

But in those moments or bad days, hugging my son and cuddeling with him makes both of our evening much better. Because in the end, despite the bullshit we go through, we have eachother.

And thats all anyone ever needs for a bad day. Someone to hold onto. Someone who understands. Hes too young to understand but its ok, because mommy understand all too well. And that, he will grow up knowing!!

sarcasim and compassion of mom life

-Mercedes A. Erbert

[karmasthoughts-blog]

What the world expects from me vs how i feel inside. Yet stuck in the middle.

[karmasthoughts-blog]

Trying to freehand my sons face. Next one will be better for sure.

[karmasthoughts-blog]

Embrace the rainy days. I LOVE standing in the rain.

[karmasthoughts-blog]

[karmasthoughts-blog]

Just because my spirit is trapped in this body, doesnt mean my conscious is trapped within my head.

Mercedes A Erbert

[karmasthoughts-blog]

I wish I could show the world, the world in my eyes.

Mercedes A Erbert

[karmasthoughts-blog]

[karmasthoughts-blog]

#thejourney #dreads #mind #body #soul #selflove #awarness #awake #universe

[karmasthoughts-blog]

Practicing my sketches of elephants.

[karmasthoughts-blog]

In Tune

I feel like I can change the dimensions of which I am in.

I can feel the energy of the other worlds that are within these other dimensions.

Where I as a human, am only aware of one world, one dimension.

But I as my spirit, can visit these other dimensions, other worlds.

Reality isn't exactly what we think.

I dont like the energy of a typical human.

Unaware of their spirit.

Never asking what drives their body.

Not just food or water. Not just a heart and a brain.

Are they even aware?? Are they even greatful?? Are they even the slightest bit curious???

I couldn't explain these dimensions or how I can switch between them.

But I can say the energy is different.

Each dimension is different.

Some good. Some bad. My human body is stuck in the dimension that is both.

My energy is in tune.

In tune with my universe. Beauty. Light. Faith. Understanding. And clarity. But I am still left with so many questions.

The desire to see it, smell it. The urge to touch it with the human body I am renting.

I was givin this human body for an experience, and to learn certain lessons.

I often wonder what I've learned from my past life vs what I'm learning in this life, and what my next lesson will be in the next life.

Although the events in my current life is a mess right now.

I feel at peace. My emotions are trying to go haywire and my mind is trying to panic.

But my spirit and heart is at peace. Very calm.

With that, a thought comes to mind...

"I AM ALIVE"

And I breathe.

[karmasthoughts-blog]

Fear Controls Me

I sit still panicing.

Trying to decide which path is best for my future.

But fear paralyzes me.

Terrified of making the wrong choice.

I'd rather sit still panicing,

Than to risk taking the wrong path.

FEAR IS MY WEAKNESS.