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GIVE IT UP FOR GAY SEX SUNDAY

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Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead (1991)

Look at this cover. Doesn’t it just give you a chill? Doesn’t that give you Weekend at Bernie’s vibes? Think for a minute how you feel looking at that cover.

Okay, let’s move on. Because this cover has virtually nothing to do with this romantic dramedy.

The film focuses on Sue Ellen (or Swell for short?) who is looking forward to her mom’s trip to… wherever. Swell’s friends are going to Europe. This has nothing to do with the movie pretty much! Just an “oh no, not only did the babysitter die and we have no money but I have no friends to help us” plot point I guess. Which, by the way, the babysitter is in like the first five minutes of the film. They drop her off at the morgue ten minutes in and she is barely mentioned again until the end. That’s my issue. This film has nothing to do with the babysitter and everything to do with Swell becoming a “well-paid” businesswoman and her brother Kenny growing out of getting stoned and into cooking. And Swell embezzling and falling in love, I guess. Also, Danielle Harris from The Last Boy Scout is in this film, and she likes to fry bugs, so that struck me as an important plot point.

Swell’s boss is Rose. Rose assumes Swell is like 30 and believes her fake resume. Rose treats Swell like she’s her favorite niece. She’s probably my favorite character in the movie, overcoming a one-sided romance with an office skeezball who hits on Swell nonstop.

Possibly my biggest issue with this film is the idea that college is the only road to success. No, maybe it’s the fact that Cathy, who did all the work for Swell, is never given a promotion. No no, maybe it’s the scene where Swell is washing a lard bucket. No! It must be the lack of consequence! NO WAY, it’s the fact David Duchovny plays a minor role as an antagonist!!

Or maybe it’s how the awesome runway scene was cut short. The best part of the film.

12/21 stars. Better than I expected, but worse than I hoped.

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Gremlins (1984)

I want to preface this with the obvious: this movie is a bit controversial. Not only does it feed into some Chinese stereotypes, but the theme of the entire film revolves around xenophobia. The commercialization of foreign culture being evil is not a very subtle sort of propaganda. The neighbor is unapologetically xenophobic. “Goddamn foreign cars.”

Okay! I’m moving on. First of all, this is a Christmas film. Get that straight, don’t doubt it for a moment. Like Die Hard, the setting of this film is relevant to several key moments in the film. I want to first and foremost touch on what an exquisite soundtrack this film has, from the holiday tunes chosen (god, Baby Please Come Home always makes me think of this movie) to the film’s score by Jerry Goldsmith. The score is just magical and so full of appropriate emotions for each scene. Another Christmas-relevant plot point, as well as just an actor commendation, is the fact that Corey Feldman’s character works at a Christmas Tree farm. This was probably my first time ever seeing Corey Feldman. And boy, not only was he the most surprising antagonist (of sorts), but 8 year old me sure had a crush on him. 

Onto other holiday-relevant plot points, Phoebe Cates, who was probably my first woman crush, wouldn’t be able to tell her creepy Christmas story (while Billy didn’t even listen to her) without the power of Santa. And don’t you dare forget the caroling gremlins or the Do You Hear What I Hear scene! Honestly, this is a Christmas film, head to toe, and I don’t respect anyone who believes differently because they are incorrect.

Gizmo is adorable. Something minor fans may not realize is that the Gizmo on most Gremlins film covers and posters is actually the doll from the sequel, when they made cute improvements to him, like his nose. Another interesting thing that sets this film apart from the sequel is how different his offspring are. In this film, Gizmo’s offspring are almost identical to him. Except for Stripe, the only difference between the other Mogwai and Gizmo is their desire to eat after midnight and cause a ruckus. Even then, they seem less evil than in the sequel.

Gremlins in this film are notably more murderous than in the sequel. If you’ve ever read the original script, you’ll discover it was originally going to be a much more frightening film. Almost everyone was scripted to die. Thankfully, the plot was completely changed around. The most silly scene with gremlins in this film is the caroling scene, and even then they do send a woman to her death. Which I would like to talk about! Mrs. Deagle, the evil bitch, is someone you hate throughout the film, yet the scene before and during her death I personally felt compassionate for her. She loves her cats, she was not ready to die, and my best guess is that she didn’t have any family to take care of her. This does not forgive her hatred of Barney, Billy’s dog, or her horribleness to the tenants of her building. I still think it explains her attitude, even as it doesn’t excuse it.

Something awesome about the monsters in this film is the fact that Stripe straight up shoots a gun. Something ironic about this film is the fact that the theme, the evils of commercialization, is exploited through Gremlins merchandise in real life. And something important about this film is the fact that the sequel was so much fucking better in a lot of different ways, and it was already a pretty excellent film.

I will be writing about the sequel, my favorite film of all time, in a matter of days.

15/21 stars:

•Corey Feldman •Phoebe Cates •Good Christmas Film •Cute, Fresh Monsters •The Prelude To The Peak In Cinema

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The Cat in the Hat (2003)

I decided to watch this film on a whim. It was on Netflix, and I’m a huge fan of the live-action Grinch film.

I remember my mom renting this film on DVD from our local deli. When my mom was upstair sleeping and my dad was at work, my brother and I put it to use. We stuck the film in, hit play, and ran around the house carelessly. We probably watched the DVD introduction about a million times, definitely more than we watched the actual film. It couldn’t hold our attention for more than five minutes at a time.

Rewatching it was like déja vu.

I wanted to like this film. A girl I have a crush on, and our mutual friend, gave this film a pretty excellent review. Our friend in particular was a huge fan of the scene where he holds up the mom’s dress and says “Look! I’m a giiiirl.” They said it was the best movie to watch with friends and laugh about. I asked some other friends about this comment, but they said you don’t really need friends to watch it with because it stands for itself as a good movie. Another told me to watch it stoned, but I’m not really the type. God, after watching it, I wish I was.

This film made me lose my trust in these friends.

I definitely want to clarify that it wasn’t completely without its moments. I really loved the “fired” gag, and Alec Baldwin did an awesome job playing an evil almost-stepdad. When it came down to it, a lot of the things I didn’t enjoy about it had to do with the flavor of humor used. I wasn’t a fan of the cooking show scene. Or the contract scene. And come on, I know I’m not the intended audience as a college student in my early 20s, but a Good Film™ should account for more than middle schoolers. And you can tell they tried. Dirty Hoe. 

I give this film one gold star out of 21, and it’s completely in honor of Alec Baldwin and the “fired” gag. Great job, guys.