katar-1-na

[katar-1-na]

[katar-1-na]

how to understand what fascism looks like ^

sound familiar?

[katar-1-na]

hello im gonna post my poetry here and then i am not gonna take it down because deep down i am proud of it and i think it sounds beautiful.

i would love to hear feedback about any of them. positive or negative.

evangelical:

how i long for that burgundy padded pew

every sunday

mrs.conner beating on those ivory keys

the sun spilling through those cheap plastic blinds

sitting quietly listening to the word

deep breaths in and out when something didnt feel right

wiping the tears from the alter while i was still on my tippy toes

that’s just how my daddy raised me

there was comfort within those four walls

a community stronger than anything else i was ever apart of

hands up, praising

humming until the chandeliers shook

reading the bible, feeling safe

secure in death and all

a certain stillness to it

that’s just how my mama raised me

that was before i messed everything up

eight years old and crying out

begging for god to pull him off of me

to possess him with some goodness

turn him away

away from that burgundy padded pew

taking deep breaths in and put because in that moment, nothing felt right

and i told mama

and she said, “child he would never he’s a man of god.”

and i told daddy

and he said, “ accusations like that can cost someone everything. go to your room an ask forgiveness for the lies you have told”

after that, daddy said a great malice had grown in my heart, reflected it’s evil in my eyes.

so every day for two years i scrubbed my whole body down with a bar of lye soap

trying desperately to wash him off

was out the malice too

praying to god to make that impurity leave

“what did i do wrong”

i knew that it had happened

my dress must’ve been far too short that easter

taking deep breaths in and out over and over and over and over

i sat on the edge of my grandmothers quilt

squeaking back and forth

i sang for forgiveness until i fell asleep

come thou fount of every blessing

tune my heart to sing thy grace

streams of mercy never ceasing

call for songs of loudest praise

i was hanging onto that cross for dear life

it wasn’t one day, it wasn’t some snap of the fingers

no.

it was a long descent, one i still haven’t found the finish line to.

does it end in the worms having their way? i would be fine with that

ultimate peace as the grass sways above me

the gift of not knowing

or does it end in some pearly gate?

that’s good too

seeing the people that i miss so desperately

how i long for that burgundy padded pew, the way it was before.

warmth:

my body longs for the warmth of summer;

my body longs for the warmth of another,

this makes the lonely winter treacherous my skin prickles at the feeling of the cold air against my skin,

instead of the dew that should cause it.

summer is safe.

i guarantee myself life just to know i can live another summer;

a summer in which i live with another.

that is my reassurance.

peaches:

men laugh at peaches.

their vulgar minds picturing reproductive organs and nothing more.

but this comparison to women and peaches is not invalid.

peach pits are poisonous.

girlhood is growing fruit around cyanide.

this is very difficult for men to swallow.

critical differences:

There is a difference between you and I.

I travel in a pack, even to the bathroom.

You think it’s weird.

I never wear shorts in public.

You think I’m a prude.

I don’t touch a bottle. It opens a gateway of blame.

Well she was drunk, what was she expecting?

You don’t glance twice when you grab for yours. If anything it’ll excuse your actions.

He couldn’t help it, he was drunk!

I ask a question. It is assumed I know nothing or that I’m nosy.

Ignorant.

You ask a question and are praised for your curiosity or your attention to detail.

Inquisitive

I raise my voice because from birth my cries have not been heard.

Please, just listen to me!

You raise your voice because someone dares to not obey your every command.

Please, just listen to me!

I cry sometimes when I’m sad. That makes me crazy.

You never cry, it’s not allowed. Instead, you break your knuckles. That’s more normal.

I mourn that for you, maybe you could’ve been good…

I like primping, my nails, my hair, my outfit. I am so selfish. Or maybe I’m another whore.

You do not worry about ridicule, dressed up or not. Neither will cause a ripple in your workplace.

I walk faster in the dark.

Yea, just stay on the phone with me until I get back to my car.

You get offended that I suggest my reality exists.

She thinks she’s gonna get raped walking back to her car. These goddamn feminazis.

My friends and I talk about our terrifying encounters. Cry about it in unison.

You suggest that your friend “must’ve liked it” You all laugh at him.

I know the difference between Yes and No.

You think that those lines can be blurred.

Well, she didn’t say no…

Do you see the difference?

I am every woman. Even if they are hiding behind some facade. Even then it is them attempting to protect themselves from you.

You are a piece of trash.

We should change our rhetoric from

“No boy will want you if you continue spouting that feminist bullshit” to “No girl will want you if you keep being a misogynistic asshole.”

Stop policing women’s reality to make men more comfortable.

[katar-1-na]

i just wanted you to know that this is me trying

they told me all of my cages were mental

so i got wasted like all of my potential🎶

[katar-1-na]

the little videos of the wet baby chickens make me so happy.

guess who jumped in the pool without permission? 😔 🐔

makes me laugh so hard

[katar-1-na]

pov i just got hospitalized for 12 days now im more triggered than ever and ready to lose all the shit they fed me while i was there.

is this psychotic? maybe.

am i just diving head first into my worst triggers? absolutely.

[katar-1-na]

as a pastor’s daughter, things are hard, any other preacher’s kids out there?

[katar-1-na]

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL OF MY PRECIOUS PEOPLES!

[katar-1-na]

the only thing that keeps me going is the promise of summer <3

[katar-1-na]

The French really don’t fuck around.

[katar-1-na]

how did they know?

Real

[katar-1-na]

watching bikini hauls = best th1nspo ever

[katar-1-na]

[katar-1-na]

mood

I want a slutty little waist

[katar-1-na]

i love to see it

"Eat Cops"

Garfield graffiti seen in Indianapolis, Indiana

[katar-1-na]

smart

Vidcund Curious

[katar-1-na]

my breakfast this morning + a bottle of water