kathryncalls - Tumblr blog

[kathryncalls]

You know its bad when she takes to Tumblr.

My head is all over the place. I can’t concentrate. I’m saying stupid things to her and to basically everyone. I’m obsessing and it’s not fun. I don’t have this relationship or friendship with her and now it’s awkward. I can’t gauge her. I don’t her know. I’m projecting hugely. But at the same time all I want to do is be in the same room as her literally all the time. I wanna get to know her. But it’s weird. I’ve over done this whole joke scenario. She’s not replied to me and it’s fucking me up. 

She's basically fucking me up and she doesn’t even know.

I think I’m making up scenarios in my head and then getting disappointed when it doesn’t happen or play out that way. 

I’m just so sick of feeling like this already and I actually cannot do it anymore. 

Why do I actually obsess so much over things that don’t even exist. 

This is the same as therapy right?

[kathryncalls]

I can’t make any fucking sense of this and its driving me insane.

I’m sat here on my sofa, watching TV he won’t like, doing things that wouldn’t interest him but all I can think about is how full my heart would feel if he was here. This in no way has anything to do with sex and thats what I can’t work out. I want to just sit next to him and do dates and emails and admin whilst he does the same and then I’d go to bed and once he was done with his stuff, he’d follow. I keep thinking about

Him

I keep thinking about him.

It’s a life that I want now, but i know he’s not at that point.

It really doesn’t help that I watching 2 of my favourite characters fall in love for the first time at the beginning of one of the worlds greatest love stories. Torture? Perhaps.

[kathryncalls]

Somehow feel like I’ve been here before...

I only ever use this platform to talk about one thing. So I’m back again.

More specifically, he’s back again.

For nearly a year now things have been so normal. We’ve talked about new partners, as well as normal life things like work and family but now we’re having conversations like we used to 3 years ago. I know why. Or at least I think I do.

The last time I saw you you’d made your mind up about her, and you spoke about me and us like it was something you’d missed, or at least looked back on fondly. Problem is, I do miss parts of us and I do look back on our memories fondly, more so that you do, or so I thought anyway,

This is dangerous territory I think. Or it’s not, I dont know yet. And I think the only way I’ll know is once it’s too late. I’m completely in 2 minds here. Do I do what we both want impulsively and deal with the mess and the emotions afterwards? Do I play the game essentially and risk losing the chance to have you once more.

God I hate this game.

[kathryncalls]

I don't have any reason to feel like this

I seem to be really struggling with something that essentially doesn't concern me. I feel like I'm constantly letting you down, constantly a burden to you, like that little kid that hangs off your leg. I really hate this feeling. I don't know what to do about this, literally, no idea. You're struggling, massively, and that's ok, but you're so up and down that I can't seem to gauge it. When I'm with you, it sometimes feels like you want one thing, and that helps you which I get, but at the same time I feel like sometimes that's all I'm good for. Every time I suggest we do something, you're uninterested. And I know you need to just chill, 'your days off are your days off' but I just feel like I'm just annoying at the moment. I feel completely helpless as well. The thing is. I can't tell you any of this. It'll get blown out of proportion because of the mental state you're in at the moment. Which is another thing, you're in a bad way, that's true. But what can we do about it? I want to help you, but there's nothing I can do. Anyone can do essentially!? I feel like your turning to other people instead of me and that's killing me a little bit. I wish you'd just sit me down and talk to me, and tell me stuff. And maybe you just need someone to tell you to get your shit together but I feel like I'm so so in the dark here. And I know you're in the dark about pretty much everything but I just feel so on the edge! And I've tried being there, and that doesn't seem to be working. And I've tried keeping my distance and that hasn't seemed to bothered you either so I'm just in a bit of a state really. I'm trying not to think about it because I don't want to lose you, especially not now. But help me out here. And now I'm angry and I shouldn't be. But I felt like I really pissed you off earlier and I feel like I'm constantly making your life harder so I'm trying harder and making it worse and this is new, I don't get it. I don't want space from you, I'd actually quite like the opposite, but I feel like you just need me gone a little bit. But again, I am absolutely petrified of the answer. I think I know that you're wobbling when it comes to us, but again, I'm so afraid to ask you. I don't want to have any of these conversations with you because I can't lose you. But something has got to change. You need to tell me how I can help you. Or just tell me what I'm doing wrong. Maybe that's the way around this. Maybe I need to know what's going wrong in terms of how I am towards you at the moment. I just feel like an after thought nowadays. I set aside today for you like I always do and you planned to go into school and see her and go out. Fair enough, some things you can't change, but it would've been nice if you'd have told me before I arrived, cutting one thing short and missing out on another thing. Just to essentially, well that's a bit like what it felt like, serve a purpose. And I know you came over this afternoon and that was great. But things have changed so drastically. But then you're in the most horrendous way ever. so how can I expect you to think of me as soon as you land, I can't anymore. I never expected it anyway. It was just always so nice to know you were thinking of me. Now I'm just getting replies to messages. This is too complicated.

[kathryncalls]

springboarding out of the friend zone

Yes, terrible title I know, but theres something I need to type out, something I need to air. Now I write this, it’s so horrendously typical but I’m still typing so lets see whether I can answer my own questions by writing it out. I feel like everyone else on the internet writes stuff that no one ever reads and it helps, so now its my turn.

I am so confused but so happy but so worried about getting my hopes up. Earlier I said that I’m so excited that I’m almost scared, and I know it’s because it’s too good to be true! You’re you and I still don’t know what that means. But you’ve been this ideal thing that I’ve always pushed aside in my mind, wanted to text because I just love speaking to you but have forced myself not to because we’re too good friends. Never in my life have I suppressed feelings because I genuinely couldn’t lose someone. If this weekend would never have happened then I don’t think I would’ve ever said anything. I know I’ve said 100 times that I don’t like her, but at the end of the day, if she was making you happy then I’m ok with that. It made me happy to hear you say that you were cutting the strings with her, I feel like you really do want me, which is so cool, honestly, it’s so surreal, and it’s stupid to say it’s surreal because surely surreal is going into freaking space, I don’t know it feels stupid to call it that either way. You told me how attractive you found me last night, which was adorable, I like that side of you, and I want to see more of it, but I’m still finding it weird. I want you be with you so much, and its something that Ive known would make me happy for a long time but it’s truly something that I’ve suppressed for years which feels weird to say, but I think that’s why I’m finding it weird to call you something less personal and stuff like that, and also to tell you how attractive I find you and what exactly I love about you. Ok, another thing, this is weird because at this point, we should be finding out about each other and getting to know one another, not telling you what I love about you, but because I’ve classed you as my friend for at least 18 months, I feel like we’ve jumped ahead 3 months… Its weird, I want you to take me on a date, but I don’t because its you, its us, but our first date would be so funny, so much fun, you make me laugh, you bring out the worst in me and your bring out the best, you make me happy to be me which is quite something. With him I felt like I was being someone that I was telling myself I wanted to be a little bit. He didn’t treat me like I wanted to be, but I held on and Im not sure why to be honest. I like to be treated like a princess, lets not lie, but I don’t like to be pandered too, I like to be strong in myself, I don’t want to be a house wife (that wasn’t a proposal, hypothetically) but at the same time, I want to cook you a nice meal for when you finish work, or iron your uniform whilst youre in the shower so you don’t have too. Im not a chocolates and flowers girl, Im a leave a note somewhere kind of girl, send me something that reminds me of us. I like to be a real unit with whoever I dedicate myself too, and I really do, when I dedicate myself to someone, now I know that you don’t do clingy, and I might end up coming across that way, its linked to the whole, me sounding pessimistic thing. I’m really really not feeling negative about any of this. I just do not want to screw it up, I can’t, for so many reasons! I can’t lose you as a friend regardless of what happens romantically between so I need to be careful how I tread here because I’m not prepared to lose you. See as I write that and think about it, maybe this is a bad idea because youre not as worried about our friendship as I am, you don’t seem to have these worries which could be such a bad sign, but at the same time, maybe its because you know exactly what you want? Another thing, you’ve told me multiple times that you’ve cheated before, never anything too serious but still, I cant cope with anyone doing that to me, let alone you, how am I supposed to maintain a friendship post breakup if you do that to me, I almost don’t want to give you the chance too…

Another thing. Distance. Realistically, we’ve both done long distance, and you say that the reason you cheated on her was because she wasn’t right, but you didn’t know that to start with, but now youre so sure, which is amazing, and I love that you think I’m right and that this is right, I agree so much, but again, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. ah shit I hate this feeling. And I keep having this argument with myself about whether its perfect or awful timing so here, pros and cons.

Great timing: You’re about to come home from spending 18 months in Spain, you’re not gonna be living at home, you’re probably going to be in London, you’ve got a job, you’re basically set

Awful timing: youre about to start your career, I’m about to move away from London, I’m about to go back into training, you might be miles away from London, our timetables might not match up

If you haven’t already got the jist, I am not letting this end sourly.

ah shit.

Anyway, finally, why I think you’re great: very intelligent, mature but immature, sociable, lovable, loved by mother, confident, amazing sense of humour, understands my love for the arts, cheeky, emotional, genuine, incredible gentleman and so so sexy, I don’t care how cringe it is, no ones gonna read this

we’re apart for valentines day too, which is weird because thatd be a great first date for us.. so do I send a card as a cute little joke, a serious card, or do I not even mention it? You know how much I want you to make all the first moves, I want to be asked out on date, I wanted to be kissed first, I want to be told I’m loved first ( a long way down the line)

Basically I just want to be excited about this and not have a million reasons why we cant do this cross my mind

we can do this,

no one is stopping us

theres no one to look over our shoulders when its just us, we live in the same town so visiting family together and Christmas wouldn’t be an issue

ahh stop taking everything so seriously, I try and run before I can walk, I think that’s where all the making the first move thing comes from, I don’t know

right now the best thing I could think to be doing is just isolating ourselves, running off to a city somewhere and submerging ourselves, without people watching, like you said, without people wondering why we look so happy, why I laugh at everything you say, why we lock eyes and pause for a little too long, (that’s another thing, when we went for lunch that time at Christmas, we kept locking eyes for just a few seconds too long, and please, I put a fucking dress on for you, you wore a suit, could’ve been taken as signs but I genuinely think we both, well I know for me this is the case, but I reckon we’ve deeply suppressed stuff for so long)

Ok ok, you wanna know when it really hit me that I wanted you for real… when you told me about A. Honestly. You’ve always been the one I’ve thought about when I felt shit in a relationship or when I’m alone, I mean please, ask K, he was sick of hearing about you no doubt, but I did love being with K before things got really hard, but that night when you told me about A in the pub, you know me so well, that ive no idea how you didn’t literally hear my heart sink. but again, supressed to and opted for ‘tell me more’.

I wish I could talk to you about all this, but its been a week since we kissed, that’s all, and 2 weeks ago you wanted to be single for a few years and now you want to be with me, easy for you to say when youre alone in a room in spain, homesick, will you say that when you move in with the boys and meet all the air hostesses, why the fuck do I think I can trust you? do I really think I can change you? like really? I want to think that youll dedicate yourself to me but I CANT LOSE YOU, I hope you understand how much this is paining me

you really don’t know this side of me, ive kept it from you on purpose

if I lose you I have no one

look who I turned too when I split up with H, and again with J and with K. you.

Who do I turn to when its you I split up with? Also, a huge part of my just wants a nice house out of the city where we can live together, with a puppy just us, but that's in the future...

Just come home Ben

(if anyone is still reading this, please, do share your thoughts - a very confused 20yo)