katyasdump

[katyasdump]

03/29/2025

I think im going insane.

I thought I had it in order but March got me fucked all the way up. I was exercising and running everyday and then I got sick... got better...and then suddenly got sick again and the 2nd time around it was so bad I had to take 3 medications.

Now it's 2am and I'm crying because I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel so out of track. Sadly I dont feel any support from my boyfriend and I don't want to confront him about it in fear of him pulling away.

i dont know.

is it normal to be so stressed that my stomach starts to turn and I feel like I want to throw up? I also feel like a rock is on top of my chest.

I feel alone

[katyasdump]

01/31/2025

End of the month review!

I hit my lowest weight sometime this week "59.15kg" but after that, i proceeded to eat a whole box of brownies and probably 10 cookies. they weren't phenomenal and I expected more to be honest.

I feel a little bad because I haven't been weight training, but going to the gym is a little bit too much right now. I have spanish classes until February 14. Maybe once that is done, I can go back to the gym.

I do own a walking pad now so Im getting better at walking and jogging, I definitely have a higher average step count now.

My Goal is to lose fat as fast as possible and then get some muscle back once im done cutting.

It's hard, because I have so many cravings.

I feel unaccomplished when I slack off on my diet and exercise, but I hardly have any time lately. Work has been soul crushing. I don't know why I can't seem to finish anything on time.

Sleep - this has also been one of the areas where I struggle. Im going to review my sleep app later and see how bad it is getting. I have too much work to do and I tend to compensate by not sleeping.

I'm also working on my financial goals. I want to save a certain amount by half of this year and then once I accomplish that, im going to reward myself with a white steam deck. Im still deciding between steam deck or a lenovo legion, but I have time.

Anyway, I still have so many plans and goals and I just realized that now because I started writing about it. I thought I was lost in track and honestly I was getting demotivated. But it's only the first month of the year! I've done relatively good money wise and... i did okay with weight loss, I lost 1kg probably LOL, at least all the holiday weight is off already!

Time to go harder this february.

[katyasdump]

01/06/2025

Today I worked an extra shift. I was so headstrong at the start of this year, but really all I did was bury my head under work. I hardly slept just to finish my deliverables.

For the next five days it's going to be the same drill. Wake up at 5, be sleepy for the first 3 hours and only do actual work towards the end of my shift.

I need to be better at this, I want to give myself a break. When the clock hits 1pm, just stop working. Be disciplined with my time.

Tomorrow is going to be another busy day. I have my dad doing an errand for me at the Land Transportation Office. I hate dealing with car things. I also have to go to my old company to return my work equipment. Which consists of a laptop and a monitor and some extra accessories. It's going to be heavy and bothersome to do the process, I just know - but I have to do it. I want to get it over with so I never have to return and finally my mind can rest.

-

I always feel like I have to write these thigs down, when I know a day is going to be busy, I type it down and try to schedule everything that day, so when it comes, Im not super overwhelmed.

-K.R

[katyasdump]

10/22/24

Last week, October 15, we checked in to Aureo Hotel in La Union. My Tita gifted us an overnight stay. It was a lovely room, overlooking the beach and the sun was about to set. The water glistening just right to blind your eyes.

I set my things down and started looking around the room. Plugged my gadgets in, connected to the wifi and sat on the sofa that is staring right at this big door window to the balcony.

I noticed my boyfriend was not around! I called his name and he yelled back that he's just checking out the balcony and the view.

After a few minutes, he went inside, sweating profusely, his eyes squinted because of the bright sun. It must have been 3pm at that time. The sun was angry, and the AC was just starting to cool the room.

He called my attention and knelt in front of me. "Kat, will you marry me?"

No long speech, no cameras. Just him and his sweaty old self. To be fair I was also sweating and super tired from the drive so at first I was confused and in disbelief.

The first word out of my mouth was "Really?!"

Really? He must have been in that balcony talking himself through it, shaking out the nerves.. "Just do it already." Really?! Right now, when we are both so uncomfortable in this 30-degree Celsius room. Really? You want me to be your wife, just this random girl you met on the internet?!

and then I said yes.

Of course I'll say yes to him. He is my man.

Within a year of dating, he has told me that we will get married. I told him he needs to ask me properly. I've always wanted a traditional proposal. He gave me what I want and even asked for my Dad's blessing.

No man has ever made me feel so happy and so heard. Sometimes I forget that it happened and then I look at my ring and say oh my goodness, I AM a fiancee now. I AM engaged. To the kindest, gentlest, softest man I know who I genuinely adore and love.

My heart is so happy.

[katyasdump]

07/25/2024

Im on the 3rd day of my 5-day work week. I don't hate this job as much and 5 hours isn't that bad. This coming weekend though, I took some extra hours to cover for a workmate. I feel like this is too much work even though I know it is not at all. I also slowed down and slacked on a lot of house chores and it feels like im living onside a dirt pile.

Anyway, that's okay. I can continue ignoring it and pretending everything is okay. I think it's very boring that all I think about is work and chores. What the heck is that?!

I started taking Tirz last tuesday. So far all of my snack cravings have gone. I don't have any strong side effects but i did get a little muscle soreness and sleepiness. When I sleep, it feels like I am so deprived and I also get these vivid dreams. It's kinda nice.

Ive been stepping on the scale nonstop though which I know is wrong. I only want to lose about 10kg and then I will maintain naturally from there. I need to lose this extra fat and try to replace it with muscle. That is my goal!

ugh I sound so boring!

I think now, the only other thing that's happening in my life is my Spanish Class! I learned a lot tonight and I am really enjoying it. It's like unlocking a whole new world when you start to understand a different language. It brings me back to when I was a kid, learning english in school.

[katyasdump]

7/17/24

I tried to quit my job.

Back in June I said I was quitting, and my boss tried to make me stay. I stayed doing payroll for a month.

I adjusted my life (at least tried to) to losing around 80% of my monthly income. This job is my highest paying job ever but the stress was too much and after such a long deliberation, I finally had the courage to finally say I quit.

Now it's mid July and Im back on the schedule baby!

Money is just too good.

I don't know. The freedom it gives me when I don't have to think about my purchases. It feels so nice.

I'm about to buy ozempic and be super skinny by the end of the year.

[katyasdump]

02/10/2024

You fester in my mind like a virus that won't go away.

I think it's time to reach out.

I also think it's not time to reach out and we should leave each other alone. But I've got to find a way to stop you from visiting my brain almost every day.

It's not fair.

I always thought it should be you that's haunted but now I cant get rid of your ghost. I have to live with you as a constant after-thought and maybe it's because of my own doing.

I ended things badly with you. I wasn't mature. I was young and I was angry.

I like to think I'm better now. That maybe I can shoot you a quick hello and thank you. I wish you're well. What we had, what we had was great, but I wasn't happy.

I probably would have never been happy with you.

but thank you for teaching me that.

I wish you are well and I don't hate you

but I think I would feel better off if you left my head

[katyasdump]

1/16/2024

My mom's moving away next month. I'm going to be stuck with my dad and my brother. They both have addiction problems. They are not good roommates. They don't really help out and are just always spending money, my money.

My brother uses my car everyday.

He wants to buy coffee. Uses my car.

He wants to withdraw some money. Uses it again.

Same day, he feels like buying an energy drink. He uses it again.

I don't like him using my stuff and adding mileage to my car like it's nothing.

I think I'd rather do my own thing alone than to deal with them stressing me out.

I want to cry because I don't know what to do and I can't tell anyone my problems because they seem repetitive, and the answer is plain. My mom has blocked me out as well because she's tired of hearing problems about my brother. I also don't want to keep bothering her about my problems because she cant do anything about it and it stresses her out as well.

I'm just tired of having to answer to his problems. I'm tired.

Im tired.

[katyasdump]

5/14/19

So, I’m lying on the bed with my laptop this is how u know it’s gonna be a good blog post, 

i have 2 days left in the united states did i have a good time? hell yes. will I do it again? Hmm ask me again in a year.

the stress level I got from this whole peregrination is off the charts. 

was it worth it? yes. I made memories enough for a life time so even if i just stayed home for the rest of 2019, I think I will be fine. I mean, I would prefer not to. but if that’s the case then I will be ok with it

WHAT THE HELL

My anxiety level is so high. I’ve been staying up late this past week because I’m stressing out over my pasalubongs and my baggage allowance. 

Why can’t I just bring a whole entire Walmart with me? I bet that would make my family happy. 

I just read my last post on this blog. It was exactly 3 months ago. How perfect. That was the time I was crying over getting yelled at bc of a fork and I was feeling super homesick. 

I love my bf though, I mean yes that night was harsh but he never did it again and he invited me over to his house again and paid for EVERYTHING. I mean, I did try to pay for myself from time to time but dude, I’ve been unemployed for 5 months now and I have exactly 6 dollars in my wallet. my pride and self respect is almost nonexistent. I hate spending money, especially money that is not mine. My guilt eats me up 99% of the time. 

Now I’m getting flood thoughts about my relationship with MT(this is his initials, i dont want to keep calling him “my bf” anymore). The time we spent with each other was intense. We spent weeks just chilling at his house. Whole entire days just being with each other. I mean, it takes some level of intimacy to be able to do that with a person. Especially with both of us being introverts. It wasn’t easy. The first time we did it, I was so overwhelmed that I was crying almost the whole time during the first week. I’m talking about crying at the grocery store because I’m being fucking difficult and we just couldn’t get on the same level. It got better over time though. The second week was so much easier. I got to know him on a different level and started respecting even the parts that I couldn’t understand. And he started doing the same. He doesn’t get why I cry when he raises his voice but he stopped doing it anyway, or at least he has gotten more careful around me. I like that.

Sometimes when he gets upset over stupid things I do, I just don’t talk back. IDK if this is the healthiest thing to do but I just do not like fighting fire with fire. I’ll let him talk and talk and at some point he’ll stop anyway and reach out to hold my hand. 

fuck, I miss him so much. 

This blog post just turned to a post about MT and it’s all going downhill from here. 

He’s just such a highlight of this whole United States thing and I’m so lucky I got to meet him. I can confidently say I’ve never been in a relationship as deep and sincere as this and I am in a point of my life where I can just laugh at the petty relationship posts online cos they no longer apply to me and I feel so happy that I have this.

[katyasdump]

2/14/19

I’m in this half a hundred year old house, it’s so old that it has troubles breathing. I’m here with a man I claim to love, who will without hesitation yell at me over utensils. 

I’m here. 

I wonder if I should be here... I could’ve made better choices, but I didn’t. I followed my heart. It might be the wrong way but at least in the end I could say I was just following my whim. Maybe one day I’ll stop doing so. Until then, I’m here. I’ll be in cold sad unforgiving states that will kill me in a heartbeat maybe two. 

I wish to be home soon. 

I want the familiar sunrise and the old shacks surrounding my family’s own shack. I miss my mongrel dog. I miss the unpaved streets and the sound of the bell from the man on a bike selling bread in the morning. 

I’ve been away too long and I wish I learned a lot of lessons. I wish I gained knowledge. I know of some but I hope someday it will prove to be more than this.

[katyasdump]

1/31/19

haha hello its me its taking all of me to just stay sane did you know im running almost everyday because i just want to direct all my anger and energy towards running? im so sad and tired and i just want to end this all haha

[katyasdump]

1/31/2019

So here I am. Crying as I stare blankly at my computer. I always thought I would have it figured out by now but as it turns out, I completely don’t know. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I feel stuck. I feel like no matter what choice I make, I’m not going to make anyone happy and everyone is going to ridicule me for every little thing that I failed to do. 

I want to run away and leave everything behind. 

I am tired of carrying around all these luggage wherever I go.

[katyasdump]

1/10/19

I’m going to California today. For some stupid first world problem reason, I’m not excited. I just want to rest. I am so weary of being away.