kayleeann7 - Tumblr blog

[kayleeann7]

[kayleeann7]

do I wanna marry that man? yes

but do I also want to die? yes

I can’t trust my judgment

[kayleeann7]

they take and take and take until there’s nothing left of me. “but not all of them”. boys i mean. ‘you’ll find a good one. one that will treat you right.’ my father tells me, and i listen as he gives the speech. he was right, i found love when i was sixteen. he was tall and silly and everything i wanted him to be. i found love when i was sixteen and i watched as my life slowly drained out of me. its not their fault, i tell myself, i mean my father is a good man, he was just a hurt kid. and my cousin wanted to change but his mind was messy and he didn’t know how to deal with it. i know they were all just desperate to feel something. i was sixteen when i learned they just wanted one thing. my first love stared through me and my terrified eyes as he pushed my head further and further down. is this what i wanted? i guess it had to be. my cousin when i was ten told me that’s just how it is. he grabbed me by the hands, i didn’t have the courage to fight with him. “not all men” but wait who then? i wept when i found out my father did this to my mother, my brother did this to his lover, i hear stories from my sister, my best friend, tell me when does it all end? i confused loving with fixing. all i wanted was for them to be happy. i open my mouth to scream to show them all the hurt they’ve caused but nothing escapes me. they sob as they tell me how sorry they are and i feel bad for them. i feel bad for all the pain they’ve caused and i feel bad that they’ll have to live with it. like a soldier who has flashbacks of all the lives he took in the name of his own country. but they are not soldiers and we are not at war. for they are just men, and i am just a girl

[kayleeann7]

i think i found comfort in the hurt a bit. i think i found joy in the way the smoke felt while burning my lungs and in the fear i felt while growing up. i think what i mean is, i found myself in the midst of becoming undone.

for who i am, if not a tradegy?

tell me, can you truly know joy if you have never known misery?

[kayleeann7]

he was just himself whenever he spoke to me

[kayleeann7]

oh misery!

my innate desire to destroy myself. this feeling i get to fall into self destruction. how i dread waking up, how i dread going to bed! doesn’t this life mean more to anyone or in their head? is it just me that feels so deeply… when you look to the trees and their mindless elegance what do you see?! do you let your mind wander or is it just that, a tree?! to me i see something that from it springs all sorts of life. every leaf a work of art every branch cutting through like a knife. did you know that the trees in the forests interact with each other and share resources to defend against threats? or that willow bark is made up of silican acid that is also found in medicines? oh lets! tell me are you mindful of the minuscule things ? you’re asking me about the weather and i’m asking you about the last time you cried. you see i crave to know things and know them fully. i read books i consume art i practice poetry and yet a i still find myself longing for more knowledge. a wisdom that can only comes from experience, a brain that only develops overtime. why can’t books teach me what i’ll know on my deathbed? why can’t i read on what i learned last year? the years go on and i only grow more and more unimpressed. why must the weight of it all press so heavy on my chest? maybe if i was a little less curious? oh how my mind is so intense!. i obsess i obsess i obsess

[kayleeann7]

i’ve made more playlists for people who won’t even remember my first name than i can count! i’ve lost myself in streetlights and front seats of cars that belonged to nobody special, just someone to spend time with, a warm body to make me forget the blood running through my veins turned ice cold a long time ago.. nobody has broken my heart worse than i have and i think that’s why its so easy to admit i’ve never really been in love, no, just wanting to feel like i belonged to someone who belonged to me. wanting to feel like there was someone in this lifetime who understood me. i think i have too much love in my heart but not enough heart to do anything with it. i’ve never met anyone i wanted to share the night sky with, or anyone i wanted to be alone in the world with. i just know there’s this empty longing feeling that wants to know the love and touch of someone permanent. i think part of me is afraid to love someone like my father. someone is who is happy but angry. someone who will point out what i am doing wrong more often times than they’ll say that they love me. i think part of me is afraid to love someone like my mother. someone who is far too codependent to live on their own, but far too fed up to live with me. someone who is kindhearted but cold. and i don’t want to build my home inside of someone who is good at running away because i will never be able to run fast enough to catch up. i need someone who feels as strange and alone as i do, i need someone who knows what its like to be connected with someone but knows the difference between that and love.

[kayleeann7]

You lay your head on my lap and i run my fingers through your hair pretending as if i don’t feel this ending before its even had a chance to begin. I can see the way you look at me. All hunger and no thirst. All want and no desire or patience or interest for any connection deeper than physical. It’s nights like these when i remember us and who we used to be and i can feel my world falling apart because of it. You’re singing along to the Beatles as i lay my head on your chest and i can feel you wanting to take me home. Can you tell that i want more than sloppy kisses? More than hanging alone in your car at night? I’m naive and you’re dangerous but i love the excitement and i never want it to end but i can tell i push you further and further away every time i ask you to stay a little longer. And so you drive me home and the streetlights are lit for us and only us and you kiss me before i leave your car. I keep telling myself you wouldn’t drive this far if there wasn’t something there. Maybe I’m too young to know that heartbreak can leave even the softest people rock hard.

-do i look like her ?

[kayleeann7]

I think i am going mad again my dearest. I am starting to see things in my dreams. I can remember a time when things were good, pleasant even. Now all faded to some shade of grey. How do you draw the line between here and reality? How do you tell the morning light from the night? Something strange is happening and I can’t quite get it right. Why do i crave to do the things i ought not to? I know who i am and who i want to be but i am running in the opposite direction and I can’t get free. I long for something that no longer is and I can’t seem to rid the grip from my fingertips. I’m holding onto things I shouldn’t be.

How do you know when you’re the monster in your own story?

[kayleeann7]

when you're younger you make fun of it because it seems boring but one of the best parts of getting older and maturing is recognizing how simply lovely all that cliche shit is. sunsets really are so endlessly satisfying. the hint of lilacs in the breeze really is soft and delicate and sweet. sometimes it feels good just to successfully clean the sink, to find an affordable appliance in the color you've been wanting, to try a new recipe, to finally get through that one television series like how you've been meaning.

it seemed stupid because they tell you - it'll feel quick - but it does feel quick. when i was younger it was like time was molasses. i couldn't get out of there fast enough. all the eras of my life stretched out into taffy. but then you are 29 on a walk with a friend and you both just stop to smell the lily of the valley at your feet. you are both standing there, quiet, enjoying the simple moment of peace.

they say it gets better a lot, which used to have no meaning to me. better for me was undefined and daunting. but here is one way it got better without me trying - a few days ago i was walking my dog and stopped to stand in a sunbeam, turning my cheeks up at the shaft of golden fairylights, the dustmotes in the wood all shivering their little dancing bodies. a stranger stopped and kind of cocked her head and said basking? and i laughed nervously, already moving to get out of her way. instead, she said can i bask with you? and we stood there, full adults, a soundless hum in our chest. when the clouds came back over the sun, we made that awkward small talk - yeah i didn't expect it to be this chilly! and haha spring allergies are comin'.

and you pour yourself a cup of tea and are delighted when you measure the sugar ratio perfectly and you manage to parallel park correctly on the first time (probably because nobody was looking) and yoga really did help your lower back mobility and brown paper packages really do tug on your heartstrings and you love sweaters and furry blankets and watching your little potted plants grow one new and shining leaf and you want to find your younger self and say. yes, i am nostalgic for summers that bent like wheat and were buzzing with low energy and sleep. but darling. adulthood gets better because the time condenses into a prayerbook of your own psalms, these tender beautiful memories. it gets better because things become prettier, gentler, kinder to you - somehow. without you even noticing. you just get to the top of the hill and you realize - oh, this is the thing i've been missing.

[kayleeann7]

you died in the summer. how do you understand that? there are ways that make sense, a car crash, a cliff dive, a wildfire, a spark, a flame, a blaze. a blaze of glory. knowing you'll die and doing it anyway because it's beautiful. but that's not what you did, is it?

i don't understand that. how you can look at the sky in the summertime and still want to die. the sun doesn't set. literally, the sun does not set. the summer i was eighteen i went on midnight bike rides, two a.m. bike rides, four a.m. bike rides. didn't you want to go bike riding more than you wanted to die? i do. i do, i do.

[kayleeann7]

I think part of the reason why we feel so sad is that we’re too far away from raw, numinous experiences. Like you know that post with a picture of the unpolluted night sky where people are reacting in terrified awe not realizing that’s what the stars really look like? I think it’s like. You need vivid experiences that can’t be easily repeated. You need elemental things. I don’t mean this in a crunchy hippie just-try-yoga way I mean this in a way that’s like…we’re inside all the time and most things we experience are scheduled ahead of time. When there are sidewalks, we follow them, and there’s always some boring place to go. You need things that no one has any control over and that no one can sell for money. You need to be outside in a storm and see lightning strike very close to you. You need to meet a wild creature and have to stand very still and almost not even breathe and watch before it vanishes. You need to be alone somewhere very big. You need to go to a place because it looks interesting and be at the wrong place at the wrong time. You need to climb over a fence instead of going in by the gate. You need to hear the exploding sound of a huge flock of birds flying. You need to watch live theater performed by kids on a low budget. You need to be lost somewhere. You need to be barefoot somewhere. You need to sing with other people who are singing. You need to get soaking wet with all of your clothes on and come inside shivering.

[kayleeann7]

Wtf is hook up culture? write me poems then die in a war

[kayleeann7]

“I came to a point where I needed solitude and just stop the machine of thinking and enjoying what they call living, I just wanted to lie in the grass and look at the clouds.”

— Jack Kerouac

[kayleeann7]

[kayleeann7]

140522, S.T.

[kayleeann7]

i like a boy and it’s ruining my life goodnight