kaythnksbye

[kaythnksbye]

4:52am 5/21/19

I can't stand that I still think something is wrong w/ me. You left me almost a year ago now and I'm still dealing w/ this mess. Some days I don't even know who I am, other days I have an idea of what I want to be. Unfortunately, most of the time I just feel so lost and alone.

I've got so much to be thankful for, sometimes I forget that. I get so caught up in trying to do everything at once and I fall flat on my face.

Some nights are still so hard; nights like tonight. I don't miss you, don't think that. I miss what I thought I had. I created this, this fantasy world for us.. and it just blew up in my face. Everything I thought I had was gone, crumbled up and tossed to the side so you could go play house with her. Sometimes I wonder what she has that I lacked.

Sometimes I wonder if someone will ever come along and all the pain will drift away. Someone who actually cares and shows it, appreciates all of my efforts and except me, for me.

It's so hard for me to just worry about me. I'm always worrying about someone else. I'm always helping someone. Thing is I enjoy helping others. I guess that's just me, I worry about others. That should be a good quality for someone to have.

Maybe one day when I get my shit together someone will come along and peak my interest.

Here recently life has just been, hard for me, for whatever reason. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm thinking too much.

Who knows...

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It's ironic how my past and future are in the same photo.

I loved that boy w/ all my heart, but he just didn't see it. I know I was hard to handle, but there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for him. Contrary to what my friends believe, I do wish him well. Just because he wasn't happy w/ me doesn't mean that he shouldn't be happy w/ someone else. But I've spent enough time talking about him..

To the guy in the foreground, he's something. I'm so glad that night happened. I can't wait to see him. He ran off to go play G.I.Joe. Regardless of that, I am proud of him. I miss him like crazy, but I am proud of what he's doing and what he will be doing in the future. I hope that we make it. I really care for this one; not the same way I did the last one. These past two Saturday nights have been fun, but they just aren't the same w/o him. No matter how many times I look back at those dog tags pinned to the board, it still reminds me that hes gone. Though I know he'll be back soon, 13 weeks is a long time. 3 down and 10 to go. I always swore I'd never date someone in the military, but look at me now. I also thought I'd never find someone that my parents and my pops liked, but here he is. I can't wait to get a letter back from him. I hope that'll bring my mind at ease. On the flipside, I've got a great support system of friends & family by my side. Lord knows I've needed them these past few days especially. I fell way too hard for this dude, but honestly i don't really mind it. I feel like he might be different. I hope so ❤

3/17/19

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“You’re told that you’re in your head too much, a phrase that’s often deployed against the quiet and cerebral. Or maybe there’s another word for such people: thinkers.”

— Susan Cain

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For most of human history, vehicles had automatic collision avoidance and could even take you home when you were drunk or sleeping. Then, we got rid of the horse. (source)

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WHEN I THINK I’VE FINALLY ESCAPED MY FAILING PROJECT

credit: Almet

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“I have acid rain in my brain and it’s killing the flowers in my heart.”

— Marianna Paige 

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“Socializing is as exhausting as giving blood. People assume we loners are misanthropes just sitting thinking, ‘Oh, people are such a bunch of as*holes,’ but it’s really not like that. We just have a smaller tolerance for what it takes to be with others. It means having to perform. I get so tired of communicating.”

— Anneli Rufus

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“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.”

—

Gilda Radner

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“Everything changes. Everything is temporary, except for the sky. When you find yourself caught up in the horrors or heroes of a lifetime, look up. Don’t look down. That which is beneath our feet is liquid, but the sky, the sky is solid, constant, ever ready and ever hopeful that the sun will rise in the morning and the moon will rise at night. They don’t really set, you know. They’re always rising, just rising for someone else.”

— Amber Kizer

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12/11/18

Cyril,

I don’t understand & I probably never will when it comes to this “playing hard to get” bullshit.

Why not just be upfront with someone?

Why not leave if you’re not happy with someone?

Why lead someone on?

Why does anyone do anything?

Like, seriously, I just don’t understand why you cant be honest w/ me and have a serious conversation w/ me. I ask questions, they either get side stepped or you ask another question in return. That’s not how this works.

All you ever tell me is “just wait”, “you’ll see”, “be patient”. Bud, that’s all I’ve been learning about for the past 6months is patience. I’m sick of it & I’m over it. I get that its apart of life, but what you’re doing has nothing to do w/ “being patient”. Nah, what YOU’RE doing is pacifying me, keeping me close for when she leaves again, I’ll be here. No, no, no, no, nooo. That’s not how this is gonna go down. I did that for 4years. I’m moving forward in my life; not backwards.

I would’ve loved for this to work out. I really thought it would for a little while. What makes me so much more angry at the situation though, is the fact that I’ll probably continue to wait b/c I’m an idiot 🙃. I dont know what it is about this dumb ass that I like so much. He isn’t my type at all. But he does appeal more to my creative side. I guess that’s what it is. I honestly dont know what it is. I haven’t tried to figure it out. I dont see much point considering that you play too many fuckboy games.

Maybe I’m trying to move on too fast and fill some “void” that I’m consciously not aware of. I dunno. Either way that sounds a little, depressing. I think I still might be a little depressed. I think that if I fill this “void” I’ll be happy again. Thing is, I am happy. I may be a little lonely at times, may have a little too much time on my hands now, but I all in all I am happy. I’ve got great family & friends; wonderful support system, I graduate in April, I’m not where I would like to be, but what I try to keep reminding myself is that, I’m in a better place. A much better place.

Wayne,

You hardly ever cross my mind now. Maybe like, once a day. Things have gotten a little easier. I’ve started drawing again. I dont listen to sad music as often anymore (though it is my favorite). With each day that passes I’ve slowly been, replenishing myself. I guess that’s a good word to describe it. I dunno. I still have my hard days (like now).

I’ve noticed I have this pattern now, which I blame on you. I can talk to as many guys as I want. But after a few days I stop replying. I try to find something wrong with them.

Like, for example this guy comes into work a couple weeks ago and I overhear this salesman talking to him about me. He introduced us and I just kind of blew it off. I thought my current situation w/ “chinstrap” was going to go somewhere; boy, was I wrong. Any who, I find him on Facebook and he messages me a day or so later. I couldn’t find anything wrong with him; other than the fact that he knows a very shady & questionable person. Hes got his own house, car, hardly any debt. He seems like a nice guy. We talk for, maybe a couple weeks and I ended it (again, thinking chinstrap was genuine). Last night he comes into the dealership (something to do w/ a warranty) and I was actually in a good mood saying “hey, hi, hello” to whoever came through the doors. I guess he thought I was being a smart ass when I said hi, but I didn’t really look at him when I said it (too busy drawing). After he was done talking to someone in finance he comes and talks to me, asks how I’ve been doing; basic stuff. By this point I had all day to think about “chinstrap” and how he pissed me off earlier and I decided that I was done with it. I was washing my hands of the very confusing situation. Then he walks in. I couldn’t help thinking that it was a sign. I dunno if anyone believes in those anymore. I’d like to think I still do. But any who, once he walks back up to showroom from finance and were catching up I ask “what’re you doing in 2 1/2hrs”. He tells me that he shouldn’t be doing anything and asked why. So I take it upon myself to basically ask him out, lol.

I’m totally in unknown territory. I don't ask guys out, I’m the one that receives the invitation,  not the other way around. I don’t play hard to get, or any of this nonsense. This is all, it’s just weird to me.

Any who, (I have too many side stories to tell one big story) after I got off work we wind up meeting at IHOP (the waffle was not very good) and we just sat and talked for like 3 hours. It was really nice. I didn’t think I would’ve had a good time, but to my surprise I did. Hes a very sweet guy. But again, I cant help but thing that there is something wrong with him. Hell, I even told him that I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him, all he did was laugh and tell me he was a serial killer, but only 6 months out of the year lol.

Regardless, you are the main reason why I’ve pushed every guy that has tried to talk to me away. You’re the reason I’ll probably do it again w/ this guy. Another reason I’ll probably do it again is b/c of who introduced us. Honestly,  I don’t see that big of a problem with it. My pops is part of the second reason. He really doesn’t like him, and I dont think hes ever talked to him. I understand hes looking out for me and he doesn’t want me to get hurt, or make some obvious mistake that I should avoid. & I do appreciate it. So, so, so, so very much.

I just dont know what to do right now.

I dont want to wait around and continue to look like a desperate idiot. I’m nobodies second choice. I’m a princess and I’ll be damned if I continue to belittle myself to make these guys feel like more of a man. Fuck that bullshit.

I’m still so confused ..

[kaythnksbye]

Lone Moose Lodge | Montana

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