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[kbl-la]

Why I am terrified to share my writing but am doing it anyways

Because I write things like this:

"This lovely doctor is teaching a smaller guy how to do an ultra-sound (he points out my spleen and I almost faint. I tell him I feel pregnant because there is ultra-sound gel on my stomach and a screen in front of me, he does not laugh). I am on edge, I am tense. I want to get the hell out of here, really. But don’t worry! Andy Grammer Pandora will keep you calm and optimistic, and your mom is a phone call away.”

-Me 4 years ago

Then I look back 4 years later and cringe and think, ehhhhfdklajfdka;, who was I? Andy Grammer pandora? Oh, Katya!

Andy Grammer isn’t bad though, and you know what, his Pandora station brings back the fondest memories of lifeguarding at Bruin Woods. So, touché. I should share my writing. I shouldn’t cringe at my old self. What’s the good in that? 

I’m sharing my writing now for two reasons.

1) I need a way to procrastinate when I don’t want to calculate rate laws or memorize cell structures.

2) I love to write, and I write a lot. If one sentence i write can reach, move, inspire, frustrate, teach, or spark something in someone else, I’ll be happy. 

[kbl-la]

Lookin’ Up

On Thursday I packed up my last 2.5 years and drove down to LA, where I’ll spend the next year doing prereqs for medical school - a dream I’ve had for a long time and effectively suppressed until now. There was the fear of failure (what if I’m not smart enough?), the logistical fear (how the hell will I afford this?), and the fear of sacrificing stability (why would I give up my awesome job?). Then was the very real fear of leaving the home I came to love - my friends and family in San Francisco.

I like quotes. They make me think in new ways. Like in the movie Dead Poets Society when Robin Williams stands up on his table to show the students how simple it is to change your perspective. That’s how I feel about quotes. There’s a quote from one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott, that's stuck with me the past few months since I’ve began down this new path.

“Oh my God,” she wrote. “What if you wake up someday and you’re 65. Or 75. And you never got your memoir or novel written. Or you didn't go swimming in the warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy. And you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It's going to break your heart. Don't let this happen."

We’re so scared of failing. We’re so scared of speaking our minds. We play it so safe. What a privilege to be able to take risks - to swim, to write, to be creative, to be funny. It took me two years with a chronic illness to realize what a joy it is to live. We choose these stagnant lives because we’re taught that success and happiness go hand in hand, that money and security and stability is what will get us there.

Anne Lamott lived on donations from friends in her church, as a single mom, so she could write. Now she’s one of the most influential writers in the country.

Most people I share my plans with have expressed a similar desire - not necessarily a postbac, but something new. Going back to school. Finding a new job. Taking a class. And I’m biased, but I just say do it. We think ourselves to death. There is the sweetest relief when you surrender to just doing.

If it feels terrifying, it might just be the best thing. Or at least that’s what I tell myself every time I open my Chem textbook.

Cheers to new adventures. 🎉  (And low interest loans, and being able to drink iced coffee again.)