kcikim

[kcikim]

LOVE MYSELF

[kcikim]

[kcikim]

texts; kib

KAI: hey are you busy?

KAI: i have some food here if you want some too

KAI: i miss your face

[kcikim]

[kcikim]

small

[kcikim]

✨

[kcikim]

hqkibum‌:

.・゜-: ✧ :- 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐖𝐎 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐀𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐄𝐃 to not ask questions. it’s not like kibum does not trust kai, nor does he hate the other guy. it’s obvious with how the two interact with one another that he is rather fond of the opposite idol. simply, the agreement followed an understanding that the two were tired. the two were heartbroken. the two simply wanted an escape, the comfort that not everything is falling apart. their time together is sweet & calming. to discuss about the troubles in their mind would taint the quality time, plague the moments with depressing thoughts. he does not want any of their time spent together to be of blues. 

shifting about in position, kibum’s chocolate orbs settle to fixate on the boy with mint green mane. there are seconds filled with silence, the vocalist deep in thought debating whether or not he should speak. soon, he finds himself with a thumb caressing kai’s cheek, gentle his touch as a soft smile lingers. “i know i can, & thank you for that, kai,��� he takes a deep breath, “but i would rather not think too much about what happened. is that okay with you ? ” sitting up a bit, he places a kiss on kai’s lips with a smile then curving thin lips. “i’m not sad right now, right here.”

    HE KNOWS HE’S AGREED TO THAT, to not ask questions. KNOWS that he shouldn’t want too, but he’d found himself growing more and more fond of kibum the more time they spent together.  he of course knows he probably shouldn’t be as FOUND as he’s become. because he knows the feelings aren’t mutual, it’s just a comfort for the other. or at least that’s what he felt like it was. he still plays with kibum’s hair and he says nothing for quite a few moments because what can he say ? he enjoys this. them. a lot more than he should. but he’d never ever say anything. the time he spends with kib gives him freedom, much more than he’s used too. 

he watches as kib shifts and he raises an eyebrow. the leader smiles softly at him, he doesn’t know what it is but his touch has kai’s eyes fluttering and he closes them briefly for a moment and then he opens them again after a moment and he nods. “ you don’t need to thank me. “ he says playing with kib’s hair and he nods. “ you don’t need to it’s just an option. it’s just an option. it’s there if you want it. “ he breathes out. “ you’re not ? “ he smiles a little more. “ i’m glad. “ he breathes out and he kisses the top of his head, a tender motion he reserves for those he cares about , those that they’re close too. 

[kcikim]

cfcasis‌:

                 ʜɪꜱ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ꜱᴋɪᴘꜱ ᴀ ʙᴇᴀᴛ ᴡʜᴇɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴏᴏʀ ꜰʟᴜɴɢꜱ ᴏᴘᴇɴ. min knows he’s right —— between the two, kai always had more sense than him. sense of everything, of their surroundings and even of min’s feelings. but right now it seemed like none of them knew what was really going on in the storming insides of taemin’s head. copying the other, he leans against the door frame as well, eyes dropping as he takes in everything that is being said; some of them sting, large tears finally leaving his closed eyes. he knew that this day would come, that eventually all the nights they spent together would be the last, but he didn’t know that specific night had been their last. if he did, he would’ve clung harder, he would’ve asked for him to repeat those three words more often, he would enjoyed those lips over his sensitive skin more intensely. now, everything was crashing, his heart was sinking and breaking into pieces and he could only observe. because kai was right. and yet, everything was still so new to him “ —— yeah, i know. and i know you know … and i’m sorry. but did i really move on from anything if i keep coming back. ” he was devastated, his voice no more than a gentle mumble as his arms kept crossed, still feeling cold “ —— but it’s not fair to you, i know, but every time i try to push back is like you’re ripping by heart out in the process and … i-i can’t. i’m sorry. ” he’s confused, he’s lost, he can’t seem to find his ground and yet, he knows he needs to try “ —— i came to see how you were because … you only drink when something upsets you and i wanted to see you. but if my presence is unwanted, i’ll very painfully leave. but i will. ”

   KAI KNOWS THE LAST THING HE SHOULD DO, is open the door but he’s done it anyway. his heart hurts. “ you’re … breaking my heart minmin. “ he whispers and he turns leaning against the doorframe a bit more and he bites his lip. “ i want to fight for you but i know it’s not me anymore. i know it’s not me. and i’m sorry. “ he breathes against the wood of the door and he closes his eyes over. he can’t take it, doesn’t want to. at the fact that he’d lost him, but yet he still felt strung along. he opens his eyes again and he shakes his head. “your presence is always wanted. always. “ he says through slurred speech but he means that at least. “ but i need to get over you minnie. “ he sighs. “ having sex when you have a boyfriend now … can’t happen. i want to love you like i always do but i know that i can’t. because it’ll only hurt you more in the long run. hurt me. “ he breathes and he gnaws on his lower lip. “ and i don’t want that. “ he says shaking his head so much he makes himself dizzy and he moves forward taking min’s cheeks into both of his hands. squeezing them gently so he doesn’t hurt him. “ i know i can love you better than he can because i won’t hurt you. i don’t want too. “ he says softly, voice quiet. “ but you’re always wanted. i always want you. not just like that but in general. “ he smiles and he kisses min’s head and he pulls his zip hoodie off and puts it on min’s shoulders. “ you’re cold. “

[kcikim]

cfcasis‌:

                    ᴋᴀɪ ᴀɴᴅ ᴍɪɴ ʜᴀᴅ ᴡᴏʀᴋᴇᴅ and he remembers why too. they worked for each other; while kai tried to release min from his demons, he attempted to do the same. and it had worked, at least for a while. and remembers fondly happy memories with kai as he presses his body against the door, tears reaching his eyes. why was he even crying for ? maybe it was because he was feeling the thick but fragile bond he had with kai falling apart, all because he gave himself to taesong. was it worth it ? like kai had done before, taesong made him forget his demons. it was like they weren’t there. trying to maintain his voice soothing, he mumbles back “ —— i know it’s not fair … you’re always going to be my baby. ” he swallows in dry, feeling disgusting; he was doing this to them all over again, it had happened the same with moon “ —— you need me, please open the door. ” he repeats himself, knocking gently again, feeling his lip quivering gently “ —— please kai, don’t do this. i can’t be happy if you aren’t. ”

      HIS HEAD IS SWIRLING AND HE'S TRYING TO STAY UPRIGHT, kai stays slumped against the door frame.he can hear him crying so as soon as he does the door gets flung open and he stares at him through a drunken haze and he frowns. kai KNEW he shouldn’t be doing this, there shouldn’t be anything left anymore, and there was. there was always going to be these feelings he knows he shouldn’t have. and he’s jealous and he shouldn’t be. “ that’s not fair. “ he mumbles. “ i shouldn’t be. you have someone else.  you should be with him, and not here. “ he tells him, he’s still leaning against the door. “ you can’t be happy if i’m not ? ! “ he asks. “ you get to move on. and i’m STUCK where i am. in a constant loop “ he breathes out. “ and i know i can make you happy. you KNOW i can. but you USE me at every given oppertunity because you know i’ll come running. and he HURTS YOU all the time, yet it’s him you want to be with, only ... for it to be ME when lee taesong fucks up and says something you don’t like. . for you to have sex with me behind his back when you’re hurting. how do i get to watch you move on, and i’m still here hanging on to everything we had in hope that you still WANT me  and you act like you do. when you DON’T. becuase you’re not in love with me anymore. how am i gonna be happy with that ?? “ 

[kcikim]

he…

[kcikim]

svlarmerqutio‌:

                   typical ,  it  was  always  the  juniors  who  liked  to  torment  dongwoon ,  showed  him  no  respect  whatsoever ,  and  he  was  tired  of  it .  it  was  not  necessarily  this  young  man’s  fault ,  but  maybe  donggu  had  some  misplaced  anger .   ‘    doesn’t  surprise  me .   ’  he  spat  under  his  breath ,  rubbing  his  temples  to  release  some  tension .   ‘   excuse  me  ?   watch  the  way  you  are  speaking  to  me , kid .  i  will  not  tolerate  being  talked  down  to ,  especially  someone  who  does  not  respect  booking  times .  ’  now ,  donggu  was  obviously  making  a  mountain  out  of  a  molehill ,  but  the  other  was  getting  under  his  skin .  ‘     you  were  supposed  to  be  out  of  here  30  minutes  ago .   ’

       IT WASN’T LIKE HE DISRESPECTED HIS ELDERS, he had a lot of respect for them. but he’d been caught in a bad mood. and whether someone was older or not, they annoyed him. “ i’m hardly talking down to you, i’d think i’d be a bit more obvious than this. and ACTUALLY i’m always on time for my meetings. scheudl “ he asks and then he frowns looking at his watch. “ i’m not scheduled for another 30 minutes. that’s why i’m out here and not in there. you’ve got me confused with someone else“ 

[kcikim]

cfcasis‌:

                 ᴡʜʏ ᴡᴀꜱ ɪᴛ ꜱᴏ ᴄᴏʟᴅ? maybe it was more of a rhetorical cold because he was literally standing alone, in the cold. or maybe because he was cold. he could tell apart from the frozen heart he suddenly developed or if was because kai was shutting the door again. min hated when this happened, but he couldn’t really blame him; after all, he was with taesong now, he couldn’t ask anything from kai that wouldn’t sound selfish. and yet concern replaced anger so quickly, nails gently scratching the door as he pressed his cheek against it, almost like he was a cat wanting to come back “ —— please kai … baby … please let me in. ” he whimpers, still a bit hurt from the message he had sent. suck my dick. at one moment in life, he would’ve considered that an invitation, would even press back, but he knew it wasn’t a good intention now. it never had been. the worst was still feeling his digits pressed against his skin, his scent on him still ——he was surprised taesong hadn’t felt it. once more he would scratch the door gently, another gentle whimper leaving his lips “ —— let me in … please. you need me. ”

         HIS VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE DOOR, has every hair on kai’s body standing on end. he tries to ignores it. WANTS to ignore it but how can he ? he stands leaning against his doorframe still, not sure he can quite make a move to open the door yet. he doesn’t remember even texting taemin, his phone is long forgotton about and he can’t remember what he’s done with it  let along what he actually said to him. he’s drank so much he’s not going to remember any of this either, and he knows it. “ baby. “ he mumbles. “ you can’t call me that anymore. “ he sighs heavily, almost dramatically. “ you should go be with your boyfriend. “ he snorts at the mere thought of it and he shifts back from the door and throws it open anyway. “ isn’t that where you’re most content ?! “ 

[kcikim]

          THERE WAS ONE THING THAT NUMBED HIM, was alcohol. he had a bad habit of drinking when things were going his way. but tonight wasn’t going his way, his studio had become a mess with all the work he was trying to do. running his fingers through his dyed mint green hair and he sat on his bedroom floor. he watches the phone ring, over and over and over again. what was the point in answering ? he didn’t have taemin anymore and he knew he needed to get over it. get over the while thing, it was in the past wasn’t it ? he kicks his phone away from him. he sits back against his bed until he hears the door being knocked relentlessly and he snorts loudly. “ go away. “ he breathes shaking his head. he’s imagining it, that’s all. he’s not really THERE. why would he be ? he pushes himself over and he lays on his stomach until he hears him shoult and he groans pushing himself up and stumbles towards the door. “ what are you even doing here ?! “ he slurs leaning against the door frame. 

closed starter for @kcikim​ !

                    ɪꜰ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡᴀꜱ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴍɪɴ ʜᴀᴛᴇᴅ, ᴡᴀꜱ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ɪɢɴᴏʀᴇᴅ. well, there was a lot that min seem to hate, especially in behaviours, but he seemed to be blind when it came to kai. right now, wasn’t one of those times. anger ran through his veins as he clumsily left the company car parked sideways on the sidewalk, as he ran into the building without covering his face or distinctive blonde hair. he was being careless, but he didn’t care at that moment. there was still a bubble of concern rising in his chest as he caught the elevator to the right floor —— he knew it by heart, he had spent so many nights there, he knew the place by memory. his tiny hand curled into a fist but he held it as once more he dialled his number in his phone —— another thing he knew by heart. for the fifty-six time, the other rejected his call and the permanent frown in his features aggravated, before he heavily knocked on the door. right now, he was cold; having nothing but a thin sweater, he crossed his arms in an attempt to keep himself warm “ —— kai, i swear to god, if you don’t open this door, i will spend the next half an hour screaming. ” he shouts, volume not as loud as he plans to be if the other doesn’t open the door.

[kcikim]

texts:  minmin

MINNIE: i-- okay.

MINNIE: i'm not talking to you like this.

KAI: [ READ ]

[kcikim]

texts:  minmin

MINNIE: oh, you gotta be kidding

MINNIE: so you ignored me for 8 hours to get drunk?

MINNIE: do i really wanna know why?

KAI [READ ONE HOUR LATER ]: so ? ! scku my dcik

KAI[ TWENTY MINUTES AFTER ]: yeAH and ?

[kcikim]

texts:  minmin

MINNIE [ MESSAGE READ SIX HOURS LATER ]: sorry, my phone died

KAI [ MESSAGE READ EIGHT HOURS LATER ]: mklmdofo whTver

[kcikim]

hqkibum‌:

.・゜-: ✧ :- 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐀 𝐒𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐖𝐎 𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐒 𝐀𝐆𝐎, he has not made the effort to date. his last partner was sydney, as hectic as that relationship was. it was meant to be kept secret, for she was best friends with his previous partner, fei. it was an awful thing to do; he should have never gotten involved with his ex’s best friend, but once upon a time kibum was a hopeless romantic. he thought that perhaps sydney was the one; to not experience the relationship to see whether or not she was the one would be sad. he regrets it, though. but, it does not seem as if he learned his lesson. here he is again ruining dynamics by interfering. he’s been sleeping with someone his best friend fancied. on one hand, he can’t be too hard on himself. he did not know about the two, but kibum worries too much. he still feels as if he fucked up. 

there is warmth that radiates from kai. kibum wonders, however, when kai will have enough of the vocalist. he wonders when he’ll leave as well. pessimistic he has become, but it’s a fear that has become bothersome. he wishes that kai will stay, for he has gotten accustomed to his presence. he has grown to adore kai, finding his persona to be comforting. the two looked after each other. kibum knows that no matter what, he’ll be supportive of the other. he only wished the best for kai, as well. upon hearing the question, kibum glanced over to study kai, a sigh following. he only leaned, though, looking down as he intertwined fingers, needing the comfort of holding his hand. “do i not look okay ? ” still looking down, a bit embarrassed to look over. “you don’t need to worry about me, kai …” 

        IT'S NOT LIKE DATING, is something kai's never done. he dated taemin for so long and LOVED him for so long that he didn’t  think he’d ever need anyone else. he still doesn’t. it’s not something he’s ever moved past, and doubts he’ll ever most past it either. but he knows he should at least try. he stays quiet for a moment because his thoughts drift to his night with taemin just nights before, when he was upset, he feels like he was used but at the same time he KNOWS he didn’t do anything to stop it. couldn’t even try because taemin was all he could see.

   there’s something that draws him straight to kibum. it’s the mutual feelings of loss and maybe that’s why they found each other. he breathes out and he holds him as close as he can. he knows at some point that everyone’s going to leave him. he knows at some point, kibum will too. knows that he’ll get sick of him. but he HOPES that it isn’t soon, not right now anyway. he looks down at him with a raised eyebrow and he smiles nonetheless. “ it’s not that, you just .... you seem sadder than usual. “ he says. “ you know you can be honest with me, no matter what. “ he says and then he smiles. “