keavr - Tumblr blog

[keavr]

doing tasks and work takes up so much energy, more than it ever did before. i want to just die or not feel anything anymore but i don’t want to let anyone down and it just sucks so much more than i feel dying would

[keavr]

btw started dune (aka read the first ch and haven’t made it that far because i’m lazy. but finishing it is on my to do list)

[keavr]

i need to write down stuff i need to do and stuff i need to stop doing so here goes

i need to: get out of this slump i’ve been stuck in for a while

it’s probably gonna be hard bc of quarantine and shit and it’ll probably be a wip even after that’s there to worry about so we’ll see if we can slowly but surely make progress on that

i need to stop: putting myself down

this one sounds easy i guess but it’s just a habit to chip away at myself and i need to stop until i can look back and laugh at how i would treat myself poorly

i need to: find healthier ways to express myself

music. art. writing. i need to embrace these more like i have in the past but simultaneously not push myself to exhaustion in the process. this is hard

i need to stop: putting things off

all it does is stress me out. i need to hold myself responsible and be proactive so i have less to worry about later

i need to: move out

asap. hopefully by this summer, i need a new environment to grow in

i need to stop: jerking off

or at least less often. with so much free time it’s basically just a way to waste time. it’s not worth the time i waste when i could be writing something great, working out, biking and enjoying nature, etc

i can’t think of any right now. maybe i’ll post some later on. anyways life update: i feel unstable. trying to find hope in games and people i care about but what i really need to do is find that hope in myself, and learn to worry and care for me before anyone else.

[keavr]

i feel like i won’t be here 3 years from now. i don’t know what to say to anyone or how to explain how i feel it doesn’t make sense when the words leave my mouth. i feel alone, i have friends and an s/o but i can’t say or do anything without feeling like i don’t deserve to be here and wasting air that someone else could use better. someone with better words to write or say or better ideas to express and put out there

[keavr]

i would like to be remembered i think that’d be nice

[keavr]

i feel like i will never be more than a message on the screen to so many people. that’s not how i want to be remembered but i didn’t even think i would live this long to begin with. i wish i could do more to make this pitiful life of mine worth something but i feel like it’s better to be forgotten sooner even though that’s not what i wanted at all. it never will be but it feels like the only option for me

[keavr]

annoyed about a lot of stuff right now. or well i’m just worried bc my bf is into weird stuff or supports it idk and that’s a little worrying but they’re really good. also there’s drama going on in my friend group and everyone involved just seems to be acting like a child. it feels like high school drama and some of these people are older than me like wtf man

[keavr]

on the first of this month we watched cmbyn. i cried a little towards the end but i’m really happy with the person i’m talking to. they’re super sweet and i’d really like to go see them, they care a lot and so do i

[keavr]

so long since ive done an update. multiple ppl told me they liked me, i liked one back and they’ve been super great. we’re not dating because it’s long distance but they’re a good fit for me in more ways than one and it makes me happy to know them, even though it’s hard to express feeling sometimes. i hope when we see each other in person the feelings will still be mutual because they’re just fantastic

[keavr]

i just started looking for a psychiatrist but it feels like nobody can help w everything i have to deal with but i guess i won’t know until i try. my stomach and head hurt and recently i’ve been heavily considering dropping out seriously. but i also would feel awful wasting my family’s money for me not to put any of it basically to good use, plus i would miss out on the college experience i guess. even though nobody can even go through it w covid and all.

[keavr]

stayed up until 3 am watching tiny cooking videos with a friend, it was pretty relaxing. hopefully i can meet them in person w other friends bc they’re honestly super chill. besides that i’ve been going through the motions every day of feeling unmotivated and feeling like i’m always behind which sucks but hopefully i can get some therapy soon or some meds to help

[keavr]

i feel like everything would continue the same without me. i can’t bring myself to talk about how i feel with friends or family it just feels like i have to hold myself back, i don’t want to be a burden but i feel like being me dead would be a burden to them and i just feel stuck in an endless cycle of wanting to k*ll myself

[keavr]

first day of classes and by the end of today i still want to drop dead of a brain aneurism or something. online classes are either very disorganized, or packed full of stuff that seems super hard to manage when i add it all up in my head. hopefully as the semester goes on i can survive and figure things out to stay proactive and not procrastinate. goodnight to no one in particular except the girl i started talking to a couple days ago and a handful of friends i feel sort of appreciate me

[keavr]

i finally finished norweigian wood! i was reading it on and off since last semester, and recently since i’ve had free time and whatnot i picked it up again. it was a pretty sad book, and it had an ending i have a feeling could be interpreted many different ways. although it did make me sad, it also filled me with the fresh feeling of seeing a new point of view. i don’t really feel a sense of belonging or purpose, but i do feel like there’s so much i still haven’t even begun to feel, even though there’s been a lot of feeling, mostly negative, in these past months. hopefully this feeling stays and i can use it to fuel my writing and motivation for getting things done this upcoming semester.

[keavr]

no updates in a while, still feeling pretty awful but i’ve just been playing games with friends. also might have a job in september since i had an interview today and it went well! i really hope all my friends are doing okay since they have seemed to just be more sad lately but how can i expect them to open up if i can’t even open up about my own feelings sometimes :(

[keavr]

i feel like nothing is working with me, i can never find the motivation to do anything and sometimes i just want to disappear but i know it’s only because for some reason i just want to feel important or like i’m making a difference and i want to be gone to see how different it would be but deep down i feel like i’d know that everything would be the same without me, as unfortunate as it is. i will be forgotten soon i feel like it

[keavr]

anyways summary: i have been doing eh these past couple days, just wasting away playing games and feeling bad but i also saw some friends in person for the 2nd time this entire summer and spent some time with others online i hadn’t spent time with in a while :)