keeleem-blog

[keeleem-blog]

It’s just a rock shaped like ancient turtle…but something tells me there’s more than what meets the eye. He looks like he knows things. He’s got secrets and wisdom.

I stare at his face… waiting for him to share his wisdom. “What do you have to say?” I whisper.

We both just stare out at the view. Nothing but the sounds of water dripping and snow falling from the trees. An occasional passerby on the trail below. Mostly just silence…

These moments of silence really puts life into perspective. When you zoom out and realize we’re just a tiny spec in this giant world. Why do we waste so much time taking life so seriously?

I say thank you to my friend for holding space for me. Maybe next time he’ll share his secrets with me…

[keeleem-blog]

Through this lens, all time stops. Stillness for a moment. Can you hear the sound of silence?

Questions…. So many questions. Who would I be without this fear? This fear and judgement that has become my friend… has become my protection… my armor…

Change and transformation…. These are the messages I receive. But where are these changes that are suppose to be given to me?

[keeleem-blog]

Show up for yourself and everything will fall into place… an answer to a question that I didn’t even know I was asking.

You can’t hold space for anyone else if you can’t hold space for yourself…

Who told you your feelings are not valid? Who told you you’re not enough, or you’re too much?

Search the truth and you shall find it…

Surrender and I will guide you.

What will it take for you to stop doubting yourself?…

[keeleem-blog]

As I sit here in the glow of Christmas tree magic, I realize I’m no longer suffering. I’m seeing and feeling the progress of my healing. I’ve clawed, climbed, cried, and sweat my way to where I am now. To place where I feel completely safe for the first time. Building a life that is truly mine. One where there is peace, love and harmony, instead of chaos, pain, and destruction. It’s uncomfortable to say the least, but I heard something a while back that stuck with me. It said, “you have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable to be successful, but success isn’t comfortable.” I’m trying new things. I’m learning to love myself and my mistakes.

Learning to love yourself takes a lot. It takes time and effort to get to know yourself as well as, dismantling the falsities that have been put there by others and yourself. Dismantling that conditioning is painful at times, but it’s all worth it for that freedom and peace.

I look at my little girl as she leaves to go with her dad. She’s fully herself with no apologies. I pray that I continue to help nourish that light in her. I pray that my insecurities and short comings don’t effect her too much.

[keeleem-blog]

I love mornings like this. Where you just surrender without any resistance, and everything just falls into place perfectly. The smells… the sounds… the beauty. These are the moments that keeps us alive.

The clarity and creativeness that comes a long with it. The freedom and peace. Peace… that is what felt today. Peace…

I decided to end my day with a hike. Even though it was raining. Even though it was cold. It called to me anyway.

I’m so glad I did. It was so magical, and exactly what I needed.

Mother sure knows what she’s doing. Every moment. Every step, was breath taking.

I get to witness her gifts. Her beauty. Her love.

I stopped often to smell the air, feel the trees, and listen to the rain while watching leaves fall.

I can’t even describe the vibe and energy that was presented there. Calm… quiet… peaceful…restful.

[keeleem-blog]

How is this my life? I never would have guessed that this is where my life would lead to. I’m not complaining. I just can’t believe that I’m here. Doing something that I love.

I get to enjoy this beauty, because I made a choice to. It was scary, and painful, and filled with all sorts of lessons.

But in this journey I found mother. I leaned in to her and felt her love. She holds me when the world seems heavy.

Her beauty heals. I get to sit on my rock and write about her beauty as the sound of the water heals my sorrows. Reminding me that everything is perfect. Just be, Keelee��� just be. It whispers.

I will be still. I will be silent. I will be grateful.

[keeleem-blog]

The trail of events that led me to this hike today is  quite comical.



It was worth it. It was so interesting being back here almost a year later, and how different it felt walking it again.

I smiled when I got to one of the most memorable spots. Well pretty much my only memory of that hike.

It feels like a dream. Like none of it was real. I feel peace where I once had anxiety. Happy that those lessons are over.

I saw multiple feathers along the way… the universe talking to me again. It symbolizes trust, honor, strength, wisdom, power, and freedom…

Freedom… I’ve been begging for it lately. Pleading… But freedom comes from within. As I face my demons, the escape to freedom becomes more clear.

The thought of you would give me such anxiety. Sometimes I would have full on panic attacks if the thought of running into you came. Now… now it doesn’t bother me.

I don’t know what I would say, or if my feelings would change. I would want to hug you. Tell you how grateful I am that I met you, even though sometimes I hate you.

I hope you found peace my friend. Thank you. You really are like the gift that keeps on giving, even after your gone.

[keeleem-blog]

I’ve been lost at sea. The waves we’re throwing me around. I kept swimming. I kept fighting. I would get to the surface and gasp for air. Feel that sweet release of holding my breath just enough to go under again. Going around in circles. I would have so many moments of thinking I had it under control. Thinking I was finally safe, just to have another wave crash over me from behind…. Now… now I think I see the shoreline. The waves are not as strong. I’m gaining my composure. I’m swimming with the waves, instead of fighting against them. I feel… stronger. I feel… a little more confident. The fear still lingers… of when the next wave is going to hit. But the longer it doesn’t, the fear dissipates. The closer I get to shore, the stronger, more pumped I get. I can’t wait to see what’s waiting for me.

[keeleem-blog]

There’s something about this place. It’s magic. I’ve probably taken this picture a hundred times. It takes my breath away every time I walk into it. The feeling I get is indescribable. This place is healing magic. My serenity.

How fitting to come back here when I’m back living where it all started. Where I went searching for comfort and found you… Andy Grammer - Wish You Pain plays while I write this and the clock displays 11:11

Ironic? Coincidence? Synchronicity? Or, the universe talking to me again? 

I continue listening… I walk to one of my rocks in the middle of the creek. I turn off my music, and take in the sun and sounds of nature. As I sit there enjoying and take it all in… a humming bird flies right in front of me and lands on a near by tree… Mmmmm here’s my bliss.

Listen. Trust. Surrender. These are the themes of this journey I’ve been on. I get reminded almost every time I’m here. And every time I do these things… I’m rewarded greatly with love, peace, and gratitude!

Gratitude… there’s no words for the love and gratitude I have for this place. This place that found me and held me. This very rock I sat on that very first day. My tears falling in unison with the water as I journaled my heartache. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For that space that heals and loves. 🙏🏻❤️

[keeleem-blog]

6/7/21

It was one of those days where getting out of bed was a challenge. Even though it was, I still tried my best to make it as positive as I could.

I set my intention even though I didn’t feel it. Tried to do as much of my morning ritual as I could, and get to work.

This undertone of anxiety was hovering. Instead of observing, I’m fighting it. I’m avoiding it.

I put on one of my favorite podcasts, and it sort of keeps the anxiety at a low hum.

I find my rock and stare out at the city. The thoughts racing. Mostly negative self talk as usual… but Mother… Mother whispers in the wind her love for me. Holding me.

I cry and can’t stop. When’s the last time you just allowed yourself to cry like this? I think to myself.

I hear others coming up the trail and I stop. I wipe my tears and continue starring out.

This is how it’s been for the last 10 months. Moments of release that are short lived.

I walk my way back to my car and thank Mother for her beauty and love.

Each step closer I feel my armor coming back on so I can continue my battle. At least I had a moment of reprieve.

[keeleem-blog]

I started out hiking when I asked my now ex husband for a divorce. I found a random beginners hike and fell in love. That hike helped get me through the hardest part of my life. Now, here I am 9 months later still hiking random hikes.

Nature has a way of silencing the mind. It’s seriously my safe heaven. My church. My only thought on this hike was finding a rock. I needed a rock to meditate on. To clear that crap that had been causing chaos for days. I sat atop it and felt the anxiety just wash away.

I sat, listening to the River roaring across the way. A cricket chirping to my left and a bird singing to my right. Feeling grounded and connected to everything. This... this is the moment I crave. That peace and connection. How do I keep it with me? I know it’s me. I’ve been there before. Has it just been too long? I hear “trust” whisper in my mind. Trust... trust myself. Trust the universe has my back. Trust everything will work out as it’s suppose to. Trust...

I smile and open my eyes. Starring at the giant mountain in front of me. Knowing that I also am that mountain. I am that bird singing. I am that river roaring. I am this rock I’m sitting on. I am...

Nature silences the mind, and connects you to mother. Mother... I needed you to cradle me today, and you did! I cried for you, and you said come to me. So I did. You held me and filled me with your love.

[keeleem-blog]

I’ve been writing about this for 2 years. All along I knew without really knowing. I knew we were going to end. I knew before we got married, I was just in denial. I had been told by the universe time, and time again. We had a beautiful journey though. And that beautiful life we created! She is the most amazing thing to ever happen. We helped each other grow. Now we’re starting own stories. It’s going to be beautiful too. We’ll always be a part of each other’s life. I can’t believe after all this time... the moment is here. It’s weird to think back on all that we have experienced together. I don’t regret any of it. I’m fucking thankful for all of it. I hope you find that as well. I will always have a deep love for you. You are forever imprinted in my heart. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[keeleem-blog]

I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry I turned all our lives upside down. It’s killing me to watch you in pain. I wish it could have been different. I wish I could have changed the way I feel. Watching you with our daughter is tearing me apart. I don’t know if I’m making a mistake or not. All I know is that I need to find out. I know that this isn’t working and I tried everything I can. I hope you find someone who fills your cup the way I couldn’t. I hope one day you understand.

[keeleem-blog]

I’ve been leaving in my mind, and didn’t even realize it. How did we get here? So much has changed... It’s like the girl I use to be was never real. I’m laying here next to you and you have no clue how I’m feeling.. do you even care?... do I? Hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I did say this is the year of stepping into my fears. How will it end? The visions in my mind, all I can see is pain in your eyes.... I’ll be the one who put it there. But what about all the pain of the last 2 years...? Did you care? Not until I was already gone. I still tried though. I still tried... I thought eventually that I would feel differently. Something broke though this last time. I warned you. I told you. You can keep forgetting to water the plant, and revive it back to life, but one of these times you’ll go too long. It was too long. I’m not blaming you. I have my faults too. It is what it is. I don’t hate you. I actually have a deep love for you. It’s just not the same as it once was. I hope you understand... I have a feeling you won’t at first... You truly are a great guy. A fabulous father. I couldn’t ask for a better father to our daughter. You will find love again. One that you never could have imagined. I wish I didn’t have to do this. It hurts so much and I haven’t even done it yet. God please give me clarity and strength to speak my truth, and do what’s right.....

[keeleem-blog]

You don’t have to believe the same things I believe, or be into the things I’m into. I just need you to want to grow as a person. Actually, consciously work on your growth. Think about and work towards something that will shape you into something bigger then what you were yesterday. Find something to work towards. That’s what I need in a partner and a relationship.

[keeleem-blog]

“Meditation is the discovery that the point of life is always arrived at in the immediate moment. And therefore, if you meditate for an ulterior motive — that is to say, to improve your mind, to improve your character, to be more efficient in life — you’ve got your eye on the future and you are not meditating!”

— Alan Watts