keepcopinghoe

[keepcopinghoe]

This year is going by so insanely fast. Even though I’ve accomplished fuck all since 16 years old, I feel like I’ve somehow accomplished even less in this year than any other. I sort of quit whoring but now it looks like I’m gonna have to go back into it in order to pay for my living. I quit three different Access courses (computing, law, science). Haven’t made any real progress really on learning Solidity and about finance in general, haven’t made any new friends, haven’t undergone any surgery, barely practiced my art skills, etc. So I have to ask - WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

When I first became close with Omer about a year ago, I thought that it was a new start. My first friend for 7 years! Being with him, the joy of having someone to talk to and have fun with, the inadequacy that accompanied knowing that he loved another better younger girl, it propelled me forward and caused me to accept a new and better vision of the future. But I’ve done NOTHING to put it into reality. I’m starting to feel like pissing my life away has in some way fried my brain, I’m so close to taking the neuroplasticity black pill. But there has to be light at the tunnel, right? Does there have to be? Some people never get their shit together, they remain losers their whole life. Am I a born loser? I never had a chance, I’ve never been able to feel community. That’s a fatalistic way to see things but maybe in a way I’m giving myself a way out. By convincing myself that I never had a chance, I cope with my reality by framing it as a kind of biological predestination. I was born to an older mother, born with my synapses maligned which meant I never “got” things with other people. At my age, I’ve never had a “proper” relationship, never been to a house party, never been to a concert with someone. Omer helped to introduce me to a lot of these new experiences. He was like someone throwing me a life ring when I was drowning in confusion and loneliness. It seems like divine intervention to me sometimes but I still wasn’t able to take advantage, I just attached myself to him pathetically like a little dog or something. I made my whole world and life about him.

Omer said himself that the only reason he asked me out was because he thought I was like a helpless animal who needed to be taken care of, not because he genuinely desires me. What is there to desire in me? I’m a whore, I’m uneducated, I’m awkward around others, no skills, no real job, bad relationship with family. I’m totally worthless.

The first step to intervention and recovery is acknowledging you have a problem. I have a problem - I AM the problem. My lack of self discipline, my low self esteem. Simone de Beauvoir said that to exist is to cast oneself into the world. In that sense, I essentially don’t exist. I live a totally passive and reactive life, I don’t attempt to make an impression on anyone or anything. I always push things back another year - this year I’ll quit whoring, I’ll get enough surgery so that I’m not fugly, I’ll go out into the world and find my tribe, I’ll find a vocation that doesn’t involve selling pussy, I’ll become the type of person that my parents can be proud of. But it just never happens because I’m fundamentally a weak-willed piece of shit who’d rather retreat into myself, into my imagination and through this imagination, try to experience how things will be different. Every day I start over and every day it ends the same. I make goals - sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, sometimes monthly - and then on a very good day, I’ll do maybe 5% of what I plan for myself. What else do I do with my time? I don’t even consume things really, I don’t watch films too often or read books. I spend hours staring at a screen, just thinking, talking and ranting to myself. It’s not a life.

 Kaczynski wrote about the power process in his manifesto. The power process involves having a goal, making an effort towards that goal, attaining that goal and doing so with autonomy. Failure to undergo the power process results in depression, low self-esteem and defeatism. This is essentially where I’m at - my power process is always aborted at the goal-making stage. I have no autonomy or agency.

I HAVE to change this. I can’t continue on like this because it’s hardly a life at all when you have nothing and do nothing.

[keepcopinghoe]

no stevie nicks, i CAN’T sail through the changing ocean tides and i CAN’T handle the seasons of my life

[keepcopinghoe]

akira 「アキラ」 (1988) dir. otomo katsuhiro

[keepcopinghoe]

“The Bat and the Cat. It’s got a nice ring to it.” — The Batman

[keepcopinghoe]

catch-up since december

it's been SO LONG since i updated :( i'm sorry. i've decided that i will try to write new entries every week from now on.

a. i went back to working for a bit on the second and third week of january, first in birmingham then in bristol. i stressed so much about the possibility of being identified on ukp (which would ruin my relationship with O) that i made a whole new AW profile and moved to a different region of the uk. birmingham was super slow and i hardly made any money, just enough to recuperate the hotel and advertising costs, but i was fairly busy in bristol. it only took a week in bristol for someone to link my old account to this new diana account...that's fucking insane considering it took twice as long for me to be identified in kingston where i initially worked and gained much of my notoriety. i think this is the worst betrayal i have ever subject a person to; even though O is not my bf, he still expects sexual exclusivity i think and sees me in the light of a gf even though he doesnt like me enough to commit. i doubt he'll ever go on ukp and find out that i'm back to my old ways, but it could happen. if it happens then our friendship will be over forever. i still need to go back to work anyway though due to my large tax bill (and the tax i'll have to pay 01/23) and additional cosmetic surgeries.

b. it was O's birthday recently and i gave him a versace dressing gown. i think some of my desire to spend a lot of money on him for his birthday is due to that aforementioned betrayal and wanting to compensate for that in a subtle manner. i went to the harrods store in knightsbridge and being surrounded by all that luxury was an experience. i would love to be able to reach a level of wealth where i can just walk into that kind of shop and buy a shit tonne of tasteful well-made clothes without having to worry about the pricetag. i'm thinking of taking trips to that area of london every now and then in order to bolster my motivation, maybe having lunch or a drink at the pink cafe nearby (decorated nicely for valentine's day when i went there).

c. i'm having a lot of worries about my course lol...i have a feeling i won't be able to get into university this year because i have a shit tonne of work to do between now and the last week of may. i've had replies from bristol, ucl and brighton, conditional offers for the last two and i need to have an interview with bristol. i'm glad that i have some answers but the only uni that i really gaf about is manchester and they STILLLL havent gotten back to me. i really want them to soon so that i can move to manchester and attempt to make friends before uni starts (if i get in) but that's looking less and less likely the more they drag their feet.

d. i've figured out the answer to my ageing back lol...i'm gonna lie and say that i'm 20 (born in 2002, maybe 14th june instead of 07th january) instead of 23. when i find someone that i wanna get married, i will insist on going to like portugal or something where you don't have to write your age on the marriage certificate.

[keepcopinghoe]

03.12.21

a. the passport fiasco was solved although now i have only a one year passport :( this is the punishment that has been ordained for not taking care ig...

b. i was supposed to be back to my own ways by now but i still havent really lost any kind of weight. its retarded cus i dont have any distractions so it should be easy. i've just completed a 40 hr fast and broke it with two slices of bread and two frankfurts with sauce. im gonna work it off with my yoga session at 8pm and perhaps more exercise. it was way easier to lose weight in the summer when i was obsessed with ramo and j**** but now im mostly over it, i dont have that stress and desperation pushing me forward anymore. i also have to do this access course, which obv requires concentration. well, im hoping to drop my weight to 52kg by wednesday even though this will mostly be water weight

c. speaking of the access course, im speedrunning my course lol ive already completed the developmental modules and im hoping to be finished with introduction to text analysis and language to persuade by sunday next week. a bit optimistic but i want this to be out of the way as soon as possible without compromising my grades. also i think i've decided that i wont be staying in london next year. theres no reason to

d. i bought luna almost a month ago and this is the first crypto that ive purchased of my own initiative and volition that's done pretty well! well other than eth to start with. im hoping im not jinxing this. i hope i can maybe double my investment. ive also resolved to pay attention to crypto more and to take full opportunity of the exploding market!

e. helen got back into contact w/ me, we should be meeting soon. she's going independent so im hoping to be able to advise her. we'll see, should be fun.

f. kind of a bad note to leave things on but recently all i can think about is how old i am and how much ive wasted my life so far. i think id do anything to go back to being 16 again, start it all over. i know its retarded cus my mindset back then was so different and i genuinely hated other people back then. but man. these anxieties and the feeling of despondence even crops up in my dreams so i cant escape even when i sleep. all i can do is try to make up for the lost time but maybe thats the wrong way to look at it. no amount of work in the present will compensate for my wasted youth.

next entry will be more cheerful i swear!

[keepcopinghoe]

11.11.21

been way too long since i updated and lots have happened 

a. lost my passport and ordered a replacement - apparently this is one time too many and i was called in to have an interview to verify my identity. i was extremely stressed about this, i think a result from the traumatic experience at  the us border that happened two years ago. anyway i had david (long time customer) serve as my countersignature which is something that worried me cus i would prefer to ensure that no ties to my history of prostitution is present on my application but it had to be done. i was nervous during the interview - it went a bit pear shaped as i wasn’t prepared for the interview to ask about where i had lost my various passports and when. he also asked me about my travel history concerning the us but was respectful when i told him that i didnt want to disclose to him the reason why i went. in any case, i hope that it will be ok and that i will be granted a passport. from now on, im gonna be 100% more careful as to where i keep my passport as this process is just way too stressful to go through again.

b. i dropped out of doing the computing course after like three works - now im doing an online access to he law course. currently deciding as to whether or not i should stay in london or go up north to a different city. decisions, decisions.

c. me and ramo’s relationship became very tumultuous once i told him that i was back to whoring myself out. we ended up fighting over text multiple times, when i would then block him and end up unblocking him (usually cus he apologied). i honestly didnt realise he’d react quite in this way and at one point (15.10), we came very close to cutting contact for good. i have had to suspend all activities as an escort until a bit later - i do intend to still whore myself out but i will have to do it behind his back under a new profile and with deceptive photos. i dont really have any reason to cease my whoring ways, especially because ramo is planning to move to portugal fairly soon. i still have feelings for him btw.

d. bought a bunch of crypto over the past couple of weeks - eth, ftm, luna and mark. i’ve been reading the bitcoin standard and am starting to understand just how retarded it is to keep all my capital sitting in the bank where its value is being inflated away at increasingly absurd levels. it’s actually fucking crazy how governments were able to coerce populations into adopting fiat (and surrending their gold to central banks) and then begin to essentially inflate away the value of local currencies by expanding supply entirely at their behest. i think i’m going to continue studying crypro, investing in general and economics with more vigour because i find this kind of thing absolutely fascinating. i have also been reading more in general - the unabomber manifesto, technopoly, confessions of a mask and sex, time and power.

5. recently compiled a list of goals that i want to accomplish over november and its almost two weeks into the month and i still havent completely given up on it all which is good. but i havent gone to the gym and church, participated in meetup groups or interacted consistently on discord so i’ll probably fail all of these.

6. j****’s twitter account was deleted. felt almost liberating to not be able to check it every day lol (multiple times a day), but she remade so the obsession continues! 

[keepcopinghoe]

hey if you died right now whats your ghost outfit you cant change it be honest

[keepcopinghoe]

is that………..what i think it is

[keepcopinghoe]

[keepcopinghoe]

forgot how corny tumblr humour is lol

[keepcopinghoe]

[keepcopinghoe]

12.08.21

a. just saw that gender forking released another episode :') also the new FDS episode seems like it's gonna be good

b. i underwent my malar implant surgery yeaterday. i was admitted at 7am and didn't actually have the surgery until 7 hours later cus one of the screw that are used to drill the implant in place was lost and so a new one had to be delivered. that was honestly really annoying cus there was nothing to do inside the little room i was in. the operation itself went smoothly - morphine, antibiotics and saline given. i was administered a local anaesthetic whilst under so i'm still numb and i'm dutifully taking both my painkillers and antibiotics. i'm concerned that because i was not able to resolve my oral thrush infection beforehand and i have mild gum disease that the implant may become infected which will be shit. for this reason, i'm really trying to follow the aftercare as good as possible. my face is super swollen but i can already see results in terms of structure under the eyes, which also seem narrow and more 'hunter'-like. fingers cross that the recovery is smooth as well.

c. i've joined a multitude of discord servers, i think on monday. some of them i joined and then left promptly cus they were shit and/or inactive. there's one that i'm currently part of called the kitten sanctuary - i made an account and got bullied for having an aspie chan pfp. i then got kind of embarassed cus i admitted that i'm autistic and was mocked for it a little by cougar. i then rejoined under a new account LOL learnt my lesson - it's a shame tho cus i think i build up a little rapport and was quite likeable under that alias. i've also joined the minecraft server that elois invited me to as well as vapor chill x which both seem fun. i really wanna vc bc that seems to be the best way to actually bond w people but i'm too shy without drinking a little and i can't drink when taking the antibiotics and painkillers :( now that i think about it, this is the worst time to have joined discord servers...

d. once again i feel tormented by ramo and j**** sigh

[keepcopinghoe]

09.08.21

1. started going on night walks whilst listening to music which was fun and atmospheric. i strolled around the industrial urban wasteland that is near ramo’s building two nights in a row. i haven’t since bc at 1am on tuesday i saw a man staring and smiling (almost baring his teeth at me) in a menacing way, i assume to scare me. it scared the shit out of me and i haven’t been back since.

 2. i met up w roma on wednesday cus one of the apprenticeships that i had applied to for him had gotten back to me with the possibility of an interview, and i wanted to help him practice any questions that they may potentially ask him. it’s been about five days since then and they still haven’t gotten back which is a shame but i ended up staying over at his. we ate chinese and watched twilight - it was all going well and i felt that we had reconciled since falling out the last time we met until the subject of me going back to work came up and he became like completely unresponsive. i ended up leaving but i dropped by again on saturday and we chilled w/o issue. i’ve been meeting up w him a bit too much, mostly because i’m undergoing two cosmetic surgeries this month and will likely be in too much pain to see him all of this week.

3. i was gonna meet up w yelena this weekend but when i asked her which days she’d like to meet up, she didn’t respond. this was on friday and she hasn’t responded since. it’s not unusual for her to take a while to text back but it’s getting a little worrisome. i wouldn't be surprised if she just doesn't talk to me again tbh.

4. i’m looking forward to my custom malar implant surgery on wednesday but worried because i haven’t resolved my oral thrush infection like i was hoping l o l i’m worried that it’s gonna potentially increase the likelihood of infection or postpone the surgery

5. finally going to my appointment to get new retainers so my teeth don’t get even more crooked

6. today i had the worst dream, kind of a nightmare really but it wasn’t scary. in the dream, ramo met up with j**** and i was there. she was kind of plain looking, with brown hair and a large nose but still had this youthful vitality about her. we were walking along a road that looks like the one that comes to the pelican from ramo’s house and i remember the two of them trailing behind me whilst i walked ahead. obviously it was my jealosy and insecurity of ramo’s interest and friendship w her reflected in my dream. perhaps this was my subconscious giving me a kick out of depression that is sorely needed cus i then resolved when i woke at noon to actually commit to reinventing myself and making all of my ambitions come true. i wrote a to do list and stuck to it for the most part and i’m motivated to keep on working in order to make up for all these wasted years.

songs: melody by plus two and a company by human tetris

[keepcopinghoe]

02.08.21

a. me and roma met up on saturday evening to go watch the new suicide squad film - it was much better than the 2016 version though i remember being shocked at how violent it was. the rock’s character was great. i ended up getting trapped in the fire exit when i was trying to find the toilet so i missed the last 10 mins of the film. 

b. the next morning roma really pissed me off - we started watching a baked alaska livestream and i remember saying something flippant about male behaviour to which roma said some retarded shit. i tend to cope with negative feelings like anger or disgust through becoming unresponsive so there was a good 20-30 mins of awkwardness wherein me and ramo were just on our phones and not talking to each other. i eventually kind of lifted my shitty mood but the day was spoiled imo. i was once again reminded of my retarded unrequited feelings and due to a combination of this and my earlier behaviour, i felt borderline suicidal when i arrived at home. my feelings towards ramo are so conflicted - i don’t know if i love him, like him, resent or hate him. i think it’s a combination thereof. it makes my head hurt and sometimes i wish i had the guts to just block him and never think about him again - alas, i’m too emotionally invested at this point.

c. since last entry, me and ramo also met up a few times before. we’ve been watching the x files recently. he also introduced me to this channel called all gas no brakes which is very funny, would recommend. also he made me breakfast. our times together have been peak comfy recently which is why our weird fallout last time has been so shit. oh well, we’ll probably meet again soon.

d. i was very productive today, to break the routine over the past few days of me being very depressed and not able to even get out of bed. despite my resentment, i applied to some apprenticeships and jobs on ramo’s behalf, practiced in my sketchbook, applied to remaining access courses, completed a 24 hour fast (which i broke with like 800 calories u_u), walked a lot and did a bunch of other admin. i’ve officially paid about £8000 of my facial implant surgery which i’m looking forward to. it’s in less than two weeks time even which is so weird to think about. since the implants are being inserted intraorally, i need to sort out this oral thrush that i’ve had for over two years now so as to decrease risk of infection. ramo texted me if he could come over later today as he’s gonna be out with friends and i said no lol.

e. i’ve been trying to establish a social group online (as well as work on developing an IRL one) and i have like 30 twitter mutuals. it’s been easier than i thought and i would never have done it if i hadn’t met ramo. he’s been good for me in so many ways even though i kind of dislike right now. i know it sounds retarded to feel happy about just having mutuals but it’s the first step i think. i actually got invited to a minecraft discord today and there’s a few other servers which i’m thinking of joining from 4chan. i’m also gonna infiltrate some of the UCL student society discord servers lol.

f. me and yelena are gonna meet up this weekend i think, which should be a lot of fun. i wish we could meet more often since we only meet like once a month but ig she’s busy and i think has less social motivation even than me. it’s a shame but i cherish the time that we have anyway.

planning on writing entries every other day if not every day. i hope i can keep this up for all of auguest,

[keepcopinghoe]

BIBHU MOHAPATRA Resort 2022 if you want to support this blog consider donating to: ko-fi.com/fashionrunways

[keepcopinghoe]

18/07

1. i know it’s not immediately relevant to today but me and yelena met up on sunday (the night that england played in the finals) and walked around kingston. it was fun because of the rain, we had trouble trying to find somewhere to sit. we walked around a bit and sat under various shelter outdoors throughout kingston, talking about life and the troubles of whoring and sharing some cans of vodka/whisky and a bottle of red wine. we also tried to go several indoor venues but it was way too loud especially because of the game going on. i told her about the feelings i have towards my friend and she was really reassuring about it. it’s so nice to be able to talk to another girl about these things :) we’re probably gonna meet up at some point to go to slimelight. i’m really looking forward to it cause it’ll be my first time going clubbing.

2. i met ramo on 10/07 - we started watching saw and i ended up falling asleep, which i felt so depressed about that i went home at like 02.00. i always fall asleep with him :( the fact that i drink alcohol is probably a massive contributing factor but it wouldn’t be half as fun otherwise. more troubling is that i’ve been semi-skinwalking the e-girl he’s been orbiting which is fucking pathetic since i’m 22 and she’s 16 - i’ve done this through practicing certain hobbies more, trying to get more into irony/racist/i**** twitter memes and incorporating this into my interactions with him, listening more to i****c***, etc. i showed him a picture of art i had recently done of a personified version of england football team as a cute girl, which had the caption of ‘you want me to kneel?’ i got the idea of writing captions from the girl in question. idk how incriminating that is but I AM DUMB AND RETARDED and immediately started questioning him on the name of the girl he was orbiting (more on that in the catch up). i know the name of the person he orbits but he’s rescinded what he said before and denies that he orbits anyone on discord - he just says that he ‘ironically simps’. there’s no way this is true so i feel that he suspects the depth of my feelings and has therefore ammended his position. that doesn’t bother me that much except i’m super worried he suspects my weird e-stalking of the girl he likes and the subsequent skinwalking that followed. if he knew, it would literally kill me, honestly. the thought that i had given myself away too much bothered me so much that i was bedridden for most of sunday (11/07) in a dreadful combination of embrassment, shame and depression. seeing yelena really helped with this though and i’m kind of over it.

3. me and him met up again on tuesday (13/07) - we finished watching saw, watched one episode of evanglion, ordered chinese (and i apparently ate a massive packet of crisps) and i fell asleep again. i got super drunk before coming over to see him to the point where i straight up do not remember most of the night, which is different. i don’t mind that much but i’m scared that i may have said something dumb and even more revealing about me that i don’t remember but i’m just trying not to think about that lol.

4. the next day we chatted and it was comfy up until i told him that i attend to resume escorting and his reaction was surprisingly bad. he rolled over and didn’t engage with me for a while and got a bit passive aggressive.  he also said that because of my intention to resume whoring, he was gonna accelerate his plan to move back to pakistan instead of wage-slaving. it kind of made me feel like part of the reason why he was initially planning on staying in the country for a few years is because of wanting to be with me. as much as i hate upsetting him, it weirdly pleased me that he was emotionally invested in me enough for it to make a difference. i shouldn’t feel happy about that but i do. he got over it and the rest of the day was fun. i was supposed to go to flat viewing at like 11.30 but it got cancelled because the resident hadn’t granted permission to enter so i ended up staying until 19.00. i ate leftover chinese from yesterday, we listened to music, watched lost highway and some oblivion npc compilations which was funny. took a bit of a detour around 16.00 when i went to get the pill and he got some o’cuoppo which turned out shit so we didn’t eat. overall, a good time.