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Book 2

I wonder what having friends are like. Someone to eat with, hang out with, or be there for you. I made “friends” before, but it all eventually failed. And I never know why. I am the problem, since this happens to every friend I made. I remember one girl told me that “friends never last.” And now I see why. She was special too, I wanted to prove her wrong, but she never wanted to do anything with me. And finally I know what she meant. Friendships never last and I am a problem to society. There are many times I want to kill myself, but I want to at least contribute to society, the same society that does not care about me anymore, before I neck myself.

During high school, I was sentenced to 10 years of prison, but was released after 6 months due to good behavior. When I came out, I found it to be so difficult to assimilate back to society. I had a hard time having friends before going to jail, but managed to make a few everlasting friends, but they passed away now. 

I’m in college now. And I think I have reformed and have changed. But did I really? Sure I go to a four year university, and majoring in a difficult major, physics, and have fortunate opportunities to do research at NASA Ames, NASA JPL, Stanford’s SLAC, Lawrence Livermore Lab, Argonne Lab, UC Berkeley, University of Cambridge, Caltech, and MIT. Although being able to go to those places made me happy, I still felt alone. I feel like I am a burden to everyone around me. I made no friends when I researched at those places, but I wanted to but I did not know how. People think I’m smart for going to those places as an undergraduate student, but my GPA does not represent it. I struggle with classes. I sleep 1 to 3 hours a day practicing problems and reading multiple textbooks, but it seems of no use. I forget it the next day. I tried sleeping more and feeling better, but that is of no use either. 

I just hope one day a natural disaster or shooting will happen, so I can just die already. I think this is what loneliness does to people. I never had a loving family because I ran away from my abusive household early in high school. When I die, will anybody even care for me? 

If I were to continue living, I just hope one day people will recognize me as a human being, and treat me like one. I wish to assimilate back to society and not be lonely anymore.

Currently, I spend my days studying for my courses by doing practice problems and reading multiple textbooks, doing physics research, and program/code. I wish just for 30 minutes or so every day in which I can talk to someone, even if it’s something little, like asking someone how their day is and having them honestly answer me instead of saying “It’s good” or “it’s fine.”

Maybe one day. Hopefully. Funny is it not? that I still have hope.

[keir-00-blog]

Sometimes I want a girlfriend. I want a  girl who genuine cares and will not judge me, yet will be able to clown on me for my past in a jokingly way. A sense of humor would be nice, but being genuinely nice, kind, and caring towards me is more important than anything else. I want a girl who can eat whatever food with me even though the food will make us have diarrhea. I want a girl who would do anything with me. Walk around the park and talking about stuff we see or just random stuff in general. I want a girl who has a mind that is not concentrated when we are having fun. She needs to know when to concentrate, such as studying, and when to accidentally go off topic in a relaxing conversation. I want a girl’s mind to accept my dreams, but is also able to help me improve those dreams. I want her to make me a better person. I want her to teach me why people are nice to each other and why people fight each other. I want a girl that could get fights and arguments with me, but will forgive me the next morning. I want a girl who is not afraid of me and my past. I want a girl who will smile at the dumbest things I will do. I want a girl to hold me when I sleep. I want a girl to let me sleep on her lap while she cradles my head telling me it will be okay. I want a girl to not judge the scars on my body. I want a girl who will not be embarrassed of who I am to her parents, friends, and the public. She does not need to have a big butt or boobs. But I would prefer her to have dark or light brownish hair, which has to be soft of course, so I could play with it. Oh and she must be comfortable with me playing with her hair. I do not care if she has bony and veiny hands as long as she holds mine. I do not care if she dresses nice, but preferably someone who dresses casually, such as tennis shoes (my favorites are white high top converse), regular or designed T-shirt, and jeans (does not have to be skinny jeans). These clothes and accessories just makes me think you are more down to earth and comfortable with yourself. The uglier the girl dresses, the better I will like her because it shows that you are confident with yourself. And of course it makes you stand out. And I get to clown on you, jokingly of course, unless you bite my dick, then I will stop. I would prefer her to be a non STEM major, since I am one. I would prefer her to have a career in the arts, such as drawing, photography, interior design, graphic design, or music, because I like all of those. Of course, she does not have to have those types of careers. But if she majors in biology, I get to make fun of her. If she majors in chemistry, I get to make fun of her. If she majors in physics, then we both get to call each other losers! She has to be comfortable holding me when I sleep. She has to kiss me and say good night to me before she goes to sleep, it does not matter if I am already asleep, same will go for her. She has to have a love for humanity and society, since I do not. She must be able to cook and mess around with me in the kitchen. She must know that I am comfortable with her farting around me. It would be kind of fun if we have farting contests, but it would be funner to if she partake in the contests and calls me disgusting and not her. She must know that when we argue and when I smile during the argument is because I think it is cute when she is riled up. She has to be comfortable with lying on a bed of flowers in Maine or somewhere. She basically just needs to love me.

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Idealism II

What is life? Is life to give others happiness, a form of life?

I define life as one individual devoting his or her time to better one of other. This is such an idealistic mindset. Why? Because humans are naturally selfish. Humans are born selfish. For example, babies. Babies cry when they do not get it their way. To break the selfish habits, humans must spend years to atone their mindset. But people give up. Like the majority of student. Like me. Like how I gave up on devoting my life for human peace. But in doing so, I managed to spark a new dream, a dream of world peace. Again, human peace is a part of world peace, but is not needed.

There is rape, murders, and other human actions that affects others. And people who hurt others is saved by the system. Why? Because they think it is inhumane to punish people who hurt others. But, of course, there is discrimination and money. The people behind the system is governed by money, in which they confuse money with power. Money is not power. Money will never gain you power, but power can gain you money. 

An example would be my friends and me. If the system was actually working, my friends and I would have never did what we did. We would have never stole, terrorize, or murder. The system is flawed and I will correct it. I do not give a fuck about the human race; if necessary, I will fucking kill every single one of them to attain a perfect system. Even if it leads me to be the only human on Earth.

I fucking hate everyone I meet. There are a few, but the negative outweighs the positive. These spoiled pieces of shit. They always got what they wanted. They do not know the fucking value of things. It irritates me to the point where I am almost seeing red. I do not know how long I can take it. It pisses me off. It truly angers me so. 

I hear these fucking garbage that self praise themselves to be the best or to be better than others. How fucking dare you. And you should be better than some of us. You grew up in a fucking home. You grew up with a family. You grew up with a bed to sleep on. You grew up with people who loved and care about you. You grew up with food. And you grew up with fucking opportunities. Yet, are you really better than all of us? Did you care cancer or some shit? No, you have not. So, shut the fuck up, you mindless fucking cock sucking ape. You are nothing. Why? Because given the opportunity to kill your loved ones? Would you do it? No you would not because you are a little fucking bitch, who deserves nothing but a bullet to their head. I take that back, that was a bit harsh do you not think so? Yes, it was too harsh. Death is too good for a piece of shit. I will fucking vanquish you to my own hell and make you suffer in your own afterlife.

I swear to fucking god. If I am unable to attain my dreams, the human race will witness something great, something beautiful. I will paint the color red, with human blood, all across the world. I will show all of you true beauty, true dreams, and true hatred. I will show you what is reality. A reality of hatred that is pass down from our ancestors, our country, and our culture. Hatred. That is who I am. It is what I will never run away from because hatred is strong. We were all born with hatred. But true hatred lies within me. And I will share it with the rest of the world, with the color red. Is this wrong? Fuck no, it is not. Why? Because I am giving back to the world. Giving back what they gave to me.

[keir-00-blog]

Mhm

Pulled an all nighter because I was afraid I was going to oversleep for a flight at 10:40 AM. I went at 6:00 AM because of fear of LA traffic and long lines at TSA. After I passed TSA, I got an email at 7:44 AM saying that my flight was canceled. Now, I feel dead. This is such a good representation that whatever you do will never be good enough. It is like the world wants you to give in to becoming a failure, and allowing you to assimilate to our worthless society. They just keep poking at you, even if you tell them to stop, they continue. They are testing your limits. They want you to crack.  Despite of the world trying to make me go back to my high school roots, I am going to persevere. I need it. I want it. And I will kill for it.

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Idealism I

I was on youtube and suddenly ended up watching a video made by a freshman at my uni. I knew she was a freshman by how much she cares for the world. The system did not fuck her yet. Oh and when it does it is going to fuck her had. So she probably grew up sheltered and most likely better than my friends and me. She was sharing her opinion of Trump winning presidency and how our fellow students terrorizing other students with racist intentions. She was shocked and saddened. But I do not understand why? Maybe I am just a negative nancy. Or maybe the world has not manifest her soul with hatred and anger yet. I fucking know I use manifest, anger, and hatred a lot. If you do not like it get the fuck out of here. Anyways it seems like she wanted this idealistic world. There is no such thing as an idealistic world. Never. Even if I destroyed the human race, there will never be an idealistic world because of the natural selfish human thoughts and perspective. An idealistic world. I gave up on that. I want world peace, which may be a form of an idealistic world. Another being truly alone forever. I want everybody to experience it. If only technology is advanced enough to put everybody in their own virtual world, where they can share and know each other's pain and lives. Not to be arrogant, but my friends and I suffered more than the majority of the world. Poverty, hatred, and, more importantly, the lack of love destroyed our hearts and souls. It destroyed our own trust to even ourself. If only people knew why. But if they knew, they will either be scared of you or think you are crazy. Either options will still make you be alone. Once in a blue moon, there will be a few or even one person(s) that will understand you. Accept you. And love you. This ended for me. My friends are gone. And my loml is gone. I've met so many people in college, yet I am still alone. No one cares. They ask you what is wrong. You tell them. They leave because they do not want to deal with your bullshit. So I fake it. I hide my hatred and anger behind my smiles. But some see through it, especially through my malicious filled eyes. My professor even said it. Yet he was not afraid. He believed in me. Never scared.

[keir-00-blog]

Her

I always liked doing things on my own, especially walks and hikes. I did a lot of those activities when I returned to high school. I started school later than everybody else because my first and second period was a home period (basically no school). Before and after school I would walk around my neighborhood and pictured myself back then. A couple of times I would see a girl walking around a park. I seen her before. She was in my period 3 and I sat behind her. Let us call her Sar. Sar saw me a couple of times and smiled occasionally. Sar knew of my past, a lot of people did in my high school. Words spread like wildfire. I hated this, but this is another topic. A few months into class, Sar gave me a letter saying she always liked me since middle school and gave me her social media and phone number. I texted her saying why she always walked around the park when there is school. Sar told me she sometimes ditches school for the heck of it. Sar was skinny. Skinnier than the typicsl teenager. She was Asian. She had dark eyes. She had cute vampire like teeth. Two cute moles on her neck, which I told her that it looked like a snake bite. Dark brownish hair, I think she dyed it. Her eyes were different. It always seemed like she was never in the present and is daydreaming. She drew good though. She drew anything varying from cats with fur and dicks with veins, which made me want to be her friend. Hold up, I wanted to be her friend because I think she felt comfortable with me and my past, not the pictures of veiny cumming penises. I am straight. As time passed, we got closer, but never to the point where I trusted her because I know humans are humans. I know she would never hurt me, so I was worry free. I took Sar to stargaze a lot during winter break. Not a good idea because it is freezing in the deserts. I liked the cold, but I know she hated it yet she still came. She was my second time. It did not feel as good as my first time (7th grade), but I loved it when she held me after. She would kiss my forehead before she slept too. One night she told me if it was okay to talk about my past to her. At the moment I was hesitant, but I did it anyways. I still do not regret it now. I told her a lot, but she was okay with it. She asked me how and why I was so manifestated with anger, hate, and evil. I did not know how to reply and said I guess I was stupid. She also asked me how I changed. I told her it is because some people shared their love with me. Which made me thought that they also believed in me, so I changed in order to preserve that goodness. She told me she still sees a little bit of hate and evil behind my eyes. Later that night she told me her story. She told me she had a rare blood disease that made her skinny and pale. She told me sometimes she has to go to the hospital to get medicine to prolong her life. She told me that if she were to be gone, I would have to promise her that I would never kill a person again. She told me I could accomplish great things. She told me I was smarter than a lot of our peers for scoring high on the standardized tests with very little educational background. She told me I was good enough for her. She wanted me to continue my dream for world peace. A world with no war or hate. She told me she loved me. This was the first time I felt a heavy heart. It was my first time crying. A few weeks after our birthday she passed. Her birthday was three days after mine. It was my second time celebrating my birthday and it was with her. My first was with the two who took me in. I went to the hospital to see her. I had trouble getting a visitor pass because of my past, but Sar's elder sister helped me get in. I brought flowers. Her favorite was tulips. Ironic. White flowers. Asians usually depict the color white to be death from what I hear. I saw her. Her parents, elder sister and younger brother cried. I lost her. I see why my friend beheaded another person. Losing someone you cared about was .... yeah that. I loved her. She was my panda bear and I was her grizzly bear. A few weeks later her sister invited me to her funeral. I went. I brought tulips again. Her sister gave me Sar's diary and a letter from her. After the funeral, they invited me to dinner. I left early and paid for their meals becausr I knew if I stayed then they would not allow me to pay. I read her diary. She wrote in it once a day. I read her letter too. One of the last things she wrote was "you promise?" That destroyed me. I skipped school for a few weeks to stay in bed. I promised. I loved her. I wish we could have done more. Travel like we dreamt to. Try stupid costumes like we talked about. Having picnics we always delayed. I would have given up my past for her. I wish I paid attention to people around me. I wish I knew her in middle school. I wish we met then. I wish I would have had more times to love her. I loved my panda bear. And I promised.

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An Unexpected Home

When I was playing video games, I met two people, whom were a couple, who were always nice to me. The wife knew there was something wrong with me and told her husband to send me a message to talk with me. Let us call the wife Abi and the guy Kev. I was close to both Abi and Kev, so when Kev asked what was going wrong I told him. They understood and asked if I could meet them in person, so I accepted. We did not live that far apart. We met at a Starbucks and they brought their baby boy with them. We talked and bonded like we have been long lost friends, even though this was the first time we met in person. And it is unusual to meet people in real life in a video game. After Starbucks, we went to the Huntington Library and park. After that, they offered me to live with them, but I declined because I did not want them worrying about me because they had a baby boy to take care of. Although I declined, they knew which park I slept at, so they would bring food for me, despite them driving 1 to 2 hours to where I am. They fed me whenever they can until I started to live with my great uncle and great aunt in law. I lost contact with them because I did not have a phone back then. They stopped playing video games, and I got my account banned and did not have a facebook account. This all happened from my freshman to junior year of college. Some of you wondered how I played video games when I was homeless, I had an old laptop and I always went to the library or free wifi spots. I found out they moved out of CA on October 14, 2016. They were gone and I never thanked them. What a piece of shit I am right? It is people like this that prevents me from killing myself and deciding to change. When I be successful, I will stalk them down some how and give back what they gave me. I will give them my income, since I do not like living like a baller.

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Mornings and Nights

Most mornings and nights I think about killing myself.

I feel like I will never be good enough because trash will always be trash no matter where you pick it up.  But then again, there is some saying about one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.  But could that apply to me? Would that mean I might be trash and garbage in one particular thing or life, but is a treasure in another thing or life? Then again, I feel that trash that does not even know it is trash deserves to death.  But even then, death would be to good for them.  So should death be the solution for them or should they suffer in this false reality, in which we call life?

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Enough

Will I ever be good enough? This is a question that I always think of.

I feel like if I say yes, then it would just make me think I am arrogant and will try less.  This may also drive me to strive for less because I will think my knowledge is superior to others.  This is similar to privileged people.  They were born with a silver spoon in their mouths; therefore, they expected to be continuously spoon fed with anything and everything they wanted.  This is a void that I wish to stray away from for I hate these privileged little cunts.

I feel like if I say no, then it would made think of suicide because I will never be good enough.  This is a dilemma of morality that I have been facing for quite awhile and I feel that time will not cease this dilemma.

In my opinion, suicide will make me feel truly that I will not be good enough because I have given up and took the short way out.  Similar to how I have to live life without any drugs to relieve stress.  If I were to do drugs, then I know I would relieve the stress, but the consequences are severe.  The consequences consists of my giving up, not caring anymore, and truly dissipated my life away.

I gave up on drugs a long time ago, well the second semester of my third year in high school.  It might not seem long for others, but in my eyes I feel it was a long battle and I persevered through it and I continue to persevere through it till this day.  Hopefully one day I will be free from this battle of wanting drugs and gain a sense of life back.

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A Wildcard

I think I am truly a wildcard.

People always think of me doing extreme things on both sides of the spectrum.

Never have I ever found myself stuck in a “maybe” decision or hesitated in my actions.

I am proud of most of my actions, even if they were immoral in the eyes of the retarded human race.

I could save this planet, but I could also destroy it.

But then again, I do not need to destroy it because the natural stupidity of humans are slow destroying this planet.

Stupid builds on stupid, similar to how stupid parents will make stupid children.

But there were always be exceptions, such as my friends and I.

Luckily, we were probably chosen by God or even the Devil to inherit a powerful trait of being open minded and genius.

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To Save or to Destroy

This is a dilemma that will always rattle and wander in my mind.

Currently, I am leaning to the ladder, but, of course, there is always certainty that it might not be so.  This will solely depend on how the world treats me.

Of course, I do not think the world would treat me nicer because of the sheer stupidity.  Therefore, I do not see my choice being changed anytime soon or even never.

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The Color Red

During my mischievous high school days, I had a close friend who saw the color red for the very first time.

He had a sister one year younger than him and was desirable but other men.  He was of the white trash specimen because of his parents being meth heads and was placed below immigrants in the ranking system.

His name was James, not James Franco, his name was James and I am not going to disclose his last name, so he will just be James.

My friends, including James, and I came back to James’ broken family house from a day of doing stuff. We all heard someone screaming.  Immediately, James barged into his house, pulled his gun out of his pants, and pulled his butterfly knife from his sock.

He went to the room where the screaming came from and we followed him.

He kicked down the door and pointed the gun at the guy.

He saw a rival member raping his younger sister.

Her younger sister had her arms tied behind her back and had her mouth taped.

When the rival member saw the gun being pointed at him, he pulled at his gun and shot James’ younger sister.

My friends and I had the “what the fuck is happening” look, whereas James shot the rival member in the chest.

The rival member was still breathing and the rest of us pinned him down because after James shot him, James ran off.  A few seconds later, James had a Chinese butcher knife and decapitated him.

We did not stop him because we respected his decision, even if it was immoral in the eyes of others.  It might have been moral to James, and that is more important to him than any other person’s opinion.

James told us to leave and we did.

James left a note at our meetup spot saying he put the head in a white bag and threw it in the front lawn of the gang’s hangout spot and knew that he was going to be arrested. He also said he called the cops on himself and confessed to everything he did and what the rapist did. Finally, he told us to not visit him at jail, so none of us did.

Later, one of us received a letter from the guards at the jail saying that James hung himself.  The guards said James had no problems with other jail mates because he gained respect from them for what he did.

My friends, including James, and I always shared a cynical view of humanity and life.  We were all suicidal.  We all wanted to be dead.

This was the first time I have ever seen someone who saw red and acted upon it.

I do not condone his actions, but I do condone his motives behind his actions.

Red, red, and red.

[keir-00-blog]

Human Cruelty

Is it cruel that I know I will not feel anything when I see someone being tortured in front of me? Even if it was one of my friends, I feel like I would not care. Is this cruelty? Should I react to this? Or should I just live and move on with my life?

People die everyday, so should I feel bad for someone who died or is suffering that is not in the same place as me?

I feel my own cruelty for life has been birthed and stemmed by the death of my girlfriend.

She committed suicide and I reacted to this.  I felt like this incident and event has changed me and drained all my emotions and sense of morality for life.

Her, my friends, and I tried our best, but in the end it did not even matter anymore.

We will all die anyways.

So what is the point of being in the cruel world?

[keir-00-blog]

Complex Systems: Humans

Humans are a perfect example of complex systems.  It is difficult to understand one another and not matter how hard we try, trying would never be enough to understand human stupidity. Or maybe it is as simple as we think it is.  Maybe it is as simple as stupid people understand stupid people, but of course, this out of my realm.

Why do we lie to one another? Why do we trust?  Why do we feel what we feel? Why is most of the people in the world are born as ignorant autistic retards?

This is the suffering of life.  The suffering is to see the infinite human stupidity from a mind of a genius.

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Human Relationship to the Chaos

The human world was created by chaos.  Two rocks collided against each other to make Earth.  Pretty destructive, is it not?  This is no different from humans too.  For example, we clash against each other to make another human.

This is chaos.  This is madness.  This is a complex system.  This is a nonlinear system.

Maybe this chaos is the reason why humans are humans and how geniuses are separated from humans.