kelainerrr-blog

[kelainerrr-blog]

Attitude

Evaluate evaluate evaluate... 

Was in the shower and what I felt exactly finally strung into constructive thoughts and so here I am, going to type them down word for word.

So this week, I made a terrible mistake.

I’m not sure though, some people might brush it off and say it’s fine, but no. After much careful thought, I’m glad that the people around me and what I’ve been taught these years have made me realised otherwise.

1)  Lack of punctuality -> irresponsibility 

Improper time management.. late, irresponsible, no excuses.

2) Lack of accountability

No excuses as well. 

The person irritated with my attitude could’ve just kept silent, holding in their frustration and holding a grudge. But no. I literally got lashed out. Full blown volume with absolute anger in their voice. There weren’t verbal abuse, yet I felt it was like the truth spoken out. “You are not serious.” That kinda finally was a wake up call for me.

Honestly, I was obviously pretty traumatised, by the voice, by the volume, after all I’ve never been yelled at like that. But, I wasn’t one bit upset. Not because I didn’t care, but because I knew it wasn’t personal, and the words were addressing my bad attitude - as clear as day, an attitude I’ve disregarded for far too long. 

Those words, they kept repeating in my mind, until they’ve finally sunk deep into my conscience.

That day - I finally knew a little better by what it meant to “not fear men, but fear God.” 

My actions, may have upset men, but they have definitely disappointed God, broken His heart. 

To think that what I do, how I behave or what I am as a person is just only about me and will only concern me would be too inward-looking. It is not expected otherwise merely because I’ve lived for 23 years, after all age is just a number, instead, it is because of what I’ve been taught, what has been sown, what has been imparted... who I am now represents not only myself, but also my upbringing, the people who have loved me and invested in me, and most importantly, Christ. 

My family, especially dad, R & basically everyone are people who always understood what it means to respect people’s time. But for me, somehow, along the way, I just started picking up this bad habit and now it became something I find it hard to rid of. It’s only absurdly unfair what I represent is contrary. 

And also thankfully for K.. someone who has experienced it for the longest time and did actually show her honest displeasure about it. I’m glad though, that she hadn’t just responded with politeness and indifference. Even after sharing about the incident this time, she didn’t reply with a “see, I told you”, but genuinely cared about me while assuring me that it is only right to take up full responsibility. Truth in love. 

Also for S. Shared with her about what happened, not out of indignation but remorse. She was always gentle in words, but likewise, she didn’t overlook my flaws, but encouraged me that I could change and do better. 

This mistake could’ve costed me my full time job if it were to happen later in my life. Or even something else more significant. 

To put it into perspective, I know I can’t preach who I am not. 

I know that as a leader, unless I can fully understand what it means to be responsible and accountable stewards,  my sheep are never going to be able to grasp how it matters. 

Only when I take the responsibility to change myself and want a breakthrough in my attitude for them, then I can say that I am a steward who takes ownership of God’s people.

Only when I raise my benchmark, then they can raise theirs too.

(1 Corinthians 13:11) (NLT)

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.

(Galatians 6:8) (ESV)

For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

[kelainerrr-blog]

4th day of the year and it’s been great so far. Last week’s meeting with M and also yesterday’s with M, Y, W & S has really lifted my mindset and stirred something inside of me to just... hunger for more, push myself more & look forward to what’s right ahead. 

I believe that I will start typing down whatever thoughts that I had in the shower and not simply brush them out once I’m out.. because somehow or another those thoughts always seem to be the deepest, and most ‘visionary’ haha.

These are just random thoughts, so I’m gonna just start typing down whatever that came into my mind just awhile ago. 

1) Thoughts to words, words to plans, plans to actions 

Writing down really helps me to get the ball rolling to the start of becoming a thinker everywhere I go. “Their minds never shut off even when they go home.” PH and PL are indeed an inspiration me. Their thinking capacity is just above and beyond, & I want to grow to become like that as well. 

2) My prayer 

Lately, (I wouldn’t say it’s my prayer because honestly, I don’t pray for it as much as I let it constantly run through my mind & eventually overwhelm me, but) I’ve been thinking on how I can grow in my heart for others. Prior to this, I have been thinking, how can I think for all the people all at the same time? And while I guess it was good that I managed to but was able to only merely figure out that fact that thinking for others comes after having a heart for them.. this was all head knowledge. “You must have a heart for them”, this is what I concluded and replayed in my head. But. Who was I to think that I could conjure that sort of selfless love from within myself? Who was I to think that I could do it all on my own strength?

But I thank God. I honestly thank God for meeting me where I’m at, to meet me amidst my frustration, to pull me out of my dissatisfaction, and to give me perspective and show me the real way, even though I wasn’t the most faithful in my prayers and cries out to Him. As I read Max Lucado’s Cast of Characters, I couldn’t be more grateful to know that I was absolutely, outrageously wrong, yet God is still there, and He answers. It spoke right into my Spirit, and it felt as though I was finally freed from the burdens that I weighed upon myself.

“But if we haven’t received these things ourselves, how can we give them to others? Apart from God, “the heart is deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9 NIV). A marriage-saving love is not within us. A friendship-preserving devotion cannot be found in our hearts. We need help from an outside source. A transfusion. Would we love as God loves. Then we start by receiving God’s love.” 

How I can think for others, how I can care for them, how I can know their needs.... I’ve learnt that God is able to give us the right answers, give us the direct plans, yet that’s not the way God works. Because everything stems from loving God and knowing what’s on His heart, what His character is like. And everything else will fall into place. 

“The friends of the young mother objected. ‘Do you know what those people teach?’ they contested. ‘Here is what I know,’ she told them. ‘They held my baby.’”

“They held my baby.” Just 4 words, yet they were so powerful. I want to be that Christian neighbour. To serve, to love others, and to simply live a life just like how Jesus did so that my actions, my service, can simply convince or even inspire others to know that my God is so good, and He can be theirs if they choose to as well.

So I really need to start praying more. Not because it is a ritual, but because I know that I can’t do this on my own. How amazing it is to know that my God and I are hand in hand; and we can change the world together. I used to think that ‘God, I have a plan, so now come in, fit yourself in and make this work.’ But truth be told, it is the exact opposite. God leads the way, and I do exactly what He says. 

(2 Chronicles 26:5 NASB) “[Uzziah] continued to seek God in the days of Zechariah, who had understanding through the vision of God; and as long as he sought the Lord, God prospered him.”

“Without God, they forfeit their destiny and the destinies of those who follow them.” - Phil Pringle, You the Leader.

3) Carrier of faith 

On to the 3rd point. Wow, never knew I had so much in my head hahaha.

But yes, this is definitely something in which I have so much to grow in. I want to be a carrier of faith, I want to be someone who can bring, if not add on to an atmosphere of faith. I don’t want to be a taker, I want to propel people towards faith. 

I guess the key is consistency: this year I want to build on my faith. (Am going to listen to the Faith sermon again***) I want it to be one of my convictions that no matter what I’m feeling, my faith is constant and my emotions will not limit other people’s perception of how great and mighty God is. 

I have either lost my train of thoughts or have typed down everything that went through my mind. Let me recall them and refine these thoughts, or until my mindset’s been lifted or have a revelation. 

Thinking, thinking, thinking!

[kelainerrr-blog]

2017

Haha, every beginning of the year, I attempt to write. This year is no different, but I shall still attempt to do so.

I know that I’m such a bad communicator. Most of the times, I can’t seem to articulate exactly, or should I say, close to what I feel or think inside of me. And honestly, that is a pretty huge disadvantage to myself. I should also quickly overcome my appalling fear of judgment, which paralyses me to end up saying nothing at all. I’m too quiet for good. So hopefully by penning down my thoughts more often, it helps me to more effectively organise my thoughts.

Also, another weakness that I’ve noticed is losing perspective. And that’s a scary thing. Most of the time, I have so much going through my head and I simply just brush them aside unaddressed. I hope that by penning down what goes through my mind day by day, I can at least give myself a heads up when I start to go off track.

Most important of all... I seem to always have great plans, big dreams, but can never follow through. 

So in 2017, I wish to improve, even if it’s just by a little bit. When Y asked, “Are you attractive as a person?” It got me thinking so much. In all honesty, my answer was no. This year, my goal is to be a progressive person. I don’t aim to be the best amongst other people, but I just simply want to be who I can be, who God wants me to be. 

“You’re either King of all, or not my king at all.” Just a simple line, yet it struck deep within me. I know I haven’t given God my best, what He deserves, haven’t put Him the centre of my life. But this year, I want His hands to be on the helm of my life, I want Him to be in the driver’s seat in the car of my life.