kelleythinksso

[kelleythinksso]

Teaching Aurelia about the finer things in life, like Sunday morning porch hangs. https://instagr.am/p/CEg7QlnjFnzbche1qJign__qDNbCKQju90I7Zw0/

[kelleythinksso]

Cheeky 💛 https://instagr.am/p/CEM8Cifj1ttZS-f8uHLR-moNTFvzxQBUPiRR_s0/

[kelleythinksso]

First album cover https://instagr.am/p/CD9HvCBjapw1dZXSNHGlcwK38GIOQEtoSvygRs0/

[kelleythinksso]

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day 💛 https://instagr.am/p/CD1vedODQqFNw0ifOfqNNBfvLepS7T-j9RgY080/

[kelleythinksso]

She may be Mauricio’s mini, but she is also definitely my daughter 💕 https://instagr.am/p/CDrvUQTjvr8RSUYSx4jqRmlhxUo6u8LPocx2Rw0/

[kelleythinksso]

Don't want you thinking I'm unhappy What is closer to the truth Is that if I lived till I was a hundred and two I just don't think I'll ever get over you ♥️ https://instagr.am/p/CDnE780j8nWP3eJ_Zj7tSI4kHkphSECK7B1aYM0/

[kelleythinksso]

And a happy casual Friday to you! https://instagr.am/p/CDmSQ7BDhfGkSlbwvrXzGaYfs9yclIRykQr9Cc0/

[kelleythinksso]

Normally I’d be insulted if my lunch date fell asleep but this one’s cute enough to get away with just about anything 🥰 https://instagr.am/p/CDhQsMaDqxCrYcTHwCQIbqm_gNgj6A8xdn3iTM0/

[kelleythinksso]

One of the hardest things about losing Canelo has been trying to decide whether I will be more sad to see his things around the house or to not see them. Today I decided to empty his treat jars. I cried hard and remembered how he used to scratch at the base of the cabinet where they were stored until we would give in. After he got sick, it was hard to find low sodium treats that he liked, and once I finally did, I never said no when he asked, even when he wouldn’t let up until he was given so many I lost count. He always took them from my hand and bounded off like he was afraid I’d change my mind. I had just refilled one of the bowls a few days before he died with his favorites. Just like I’d refilled all of his prescriptions a couple weeks before, afraid that we wouldn’t have easy access to them during the pandemic. I need to figure out who to give them to, whether it’s a shelter or a person with the same unfortunate circumstances. When we returned from dropping his body off at the emergency clinic to have him cremated the night that he died, I immediately took every single item that had anything even remotely to do with his heart disease and angrily tossed it all into a box. It’s still sitting downstairs, and I feel guilty thinking about how much it could help someone who is either just entering the dizzying and overwhelming fight to help their pup, or is having trouble affording the medication.

But the rest of his things have sat pretty much where he left them and I still can’t bear the thought of putting them or giving them away. I decided I’d rather eventually bring another dog home and let them use all of it than any alternative. I’m so grateful that my minimalist husband hasn’t said a word about wanting to do anything else. I hope he feels the same as I do. I talk about Canelo often, and still cry every day, and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t do that. Like I should be more quiet in my grief and find ways to remember him alone. But one of the most difficult transitions has been going from Canelo being a daily topic of conversation and pretty much the center of attention for a chunk of each day to a passing remark or trying to get a memory out despite a lump in my throat. I wonder if time will change the frequency with which I feel the need to keep him alive via conversation. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me, but most of the time I don’t even really care if there is. I love him. I miss him. I will wish he were here every time he crosses my mind for the rest of my life. Time helps with sadness and pain, but it doesn’t diminish love. If anything, it reaffirms it. He may no longer be a living member of our family, but he will always be a loved one.

[kelleythinksso]

Isn’t it just so pretty to think All along there was some Invisible string Tying you to me 💖 https://instagr.am/p/CDW-2PADhzBc6LjJ3cx5Nu3rcmvRvZvY8ViWHc0/

[kelleythinksso]

♥️ #wordstoliveby #maryoliver https://instagr.am/p/CDIdrgpj00GpnaHReQNJKCNTkYdoDPZ3d8fpOQ0/

[kelleythinksso]

Sunday funday 💛 https://instagr.am/p/CC14U9GjBxUb_lvK3dCFABJ26KKT67bmHQSJyA0/

[kelleythinksso]

I’ve always considered a baby falling asleep on you to be one of the best feelings in the world. But when it’s your own baby...💘 https://instagr.am/p/CCy1UWiDriVL15W7n6BnHBowGhmlBkQMThENlY0/

[kelleythinksso]

Benjamin, Who Came From  Who Knows Where

By Mary Oliver

What shall I do?

When I pick up the broom

he leaves the room.

When I fuss with kindling he

runs for the yard.

Then he’s back, and we

hug for a long time.

In his low-to-the-ground chest

I can hear his heart slowing down.

Then I rub his shoulders and

kiss his feet

and fondle his long hound ears.

Benny, I say,

don’t worry. I also know the way

the old life haunts the new.

[kelleythinksso]

Look who’s already taking after her Auntie @deebotvision’s flair for the dramatic 💛 https://instagr.am/p/CCbjY8hjm3PXPqGbDZSQltUDm_oMo2e1pp0Ync0/

[kelleythinksso]

To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go. -Mary Oliver I have so many beautiful candid photos of Mauricio and Canelo because I am the one who thinks to take photos in our family and I whipped out my phone to capture moments I wanted to save as they occurred, but it’s kind of hard to capture candid moments of yourself. I snapped this one a couple years ago after a long day at work, when I finally got home and wanted to remember how good it felt, how grateful I was to come home to him and his happy dance and his ability to make me feel better just by existing. Canelo was not a fan of my less than sneaky tactics, the result of which used to make me a little sad, but now photos like these make me laugh right when I need to most and I treasure them just as much if not more than the ones where he’s doing his best Blue Steel. I miss these moments. I miss his face, his weight on my lap and in my arms, how soft his fur felt as I absentmindedly ran my fingers through it, the sound of his footsteps trotting behind me everywhere I went. I miss how our house felt with him in it. I just miss him ♥️ https://instagr.am/p/CCR7v5YDibV-iptMDFUMiXqGoC60-hme8SEjxI0/

[kelleythinksso]

It’s a beautiful Sunday, and Canelo and I always spent a good portion of those sitting outside, him people watching and me reading while listening to music. Since he’s been gone, the beautiful parts of life are still just that but are also infused with the pain of missing him. Sometimes it’s a dull ache. Sometimes it’s sharp and so overwhelming that I can barely stand it. Today I am sitting out on the porch with my book and music playing and his outdoor bed and empty water bowl sitting in front of me because I still can’t bear to move any of his things from the spots where he left them, wishing so much that he was here. I started to feel that overwhelming pain when this song came on, written about a beloved dog. It’s a happy song. Canelo was the happiest boy. And he brought me so much happiness. And he’s not with me, not in the way I wish, but he also is with me.