kennys-confessional

[kennys-confessional]

01/02/25

I genuinely don't know if I'm depressed, but it only makes since since all I do is be on my phone and lay in bed, it gotten so bad that I'm not posting anything on social media unless I get out of bed 😔. God I don't understand how I allowed myself to get like this over ending of relationships. I don't mean just a simple relationship a boyfriend cuz I never had one lol but the end of a friendship that was doomed to failed from the beginning a friendship of a little bit over a month for me more sad that the ending of a friendship that lasted 3 years.

[kennys-confessional]

God I hate being poor

[kennys-confessional]

08/12/24

Today was a pretty good day at the studio. I really like the days I spend with Pau we talk about so many things I really love her, I hope I don't ruin this friendship either.

I been thinking about that a lot lately. Am I really the person that fucks up the relationships or is it just that I won't stand for the way that people treat me?

I been missing one of my friends a lot lately. He was really a person that I wanted in my life for as long as I could have them I keep having wishful thinking that I run into them and they don't think I am the person people talk about. I know he probably thinks the worst of me especially since he doesn't owe me anything. No loyalty is given to me. I always meet people shortly after they meet someone else and that makes them side with the other person more. Maybe if I was a better person a cooler person a person that could offer more or give more they would chose to be loyal to me. They would believe me or at least give me the benefit of a doubt.

But maybe I am just a real big piece of shit.

Anyways there is nothing else for me to do than to become better than them in every possible way.

[kennys-confessional]

power lines

Okay, now that I've got introductions over, I wanna talk bout something. I have an odd fascination with Powerlines, not to the extent of knowing absolutely everything about them (although I should definitely read the Wiki page of Powerlines). Still, they are one of those things I really do occasionally stop and admire. To me, they are like that cloud that you would stop to see if you were to notice it, or at night, when the moon is so big, you can't help but look up and stare at it for a minute. I really like powerlines.

Firstly, I really like them because of an odd dream I continue to have. The dream always starts with me at my current age (remember, I have had this dream since middle school), so I am at the age I am now. I am standing underneath a light post, but those are made out of wood like the ones from Powerlines yk, so I'm standing in the middle of a desert. There is nothing around me at all, just sand and sand and sand. But it isn't like a supper hot day where the sun burns, and I am sweating, and I feel like I will pass out any second now. No, it is a nice day. Like a young kid, I enjoy the sun, hugging, and playing around with the post. But the sun starts going down, and I keep waiting or sit down to wait. The thing is that I always stay on the light post or the power line. I continue to wait. Then days go by or months, and I feel the seasons change on my skin, but I never leave the post. I continue to be there, waiting for something to happen. And then the dream ends; however, every time I wake up, I feel so sad, and I think, who was I waiting for? Was anyone looking for me when I was waiting underneath there?

That is the odd dream I have been having for a while.

[kennys-confessional]

08/11/2024

It has been a few days since I realized I wanted to write more. However, I need help bringing myself together to make it happen. It has been on the back of my head that it is something I want to do and things I want to write about, but I just need to figure out how to start or what is appropriate for me to write about.

It's been an eventful couple of days since Kat came back. I don't know if it's the passing away of my coworker or the conversation I had with Kat, where I have been slowly realizing that I need to experience life a little bit more. So, I have been trying to live my life to the fullest. I'm not being reckless, but I am being more open to conversations or day-to-day events.

It's best if I do a weekly recap. Monday the 5th was pretty uneventful. I went to work and covered for my friend during the afternoon shift, which was pretty chill. I watered plants and took out the trash. I got to be on my bench most of the day, and I felt that art block that happens when I am bored. My friend, Vel, had classes for the first time she was teaching, and she did a pretty good job. She is an excellent teacher, and she looked very excited. I was excited to see her work as well.

Now, Tuesday is the day I will see my Kat again since San Diego. (For context, we went to a conference in San Diego back in June, and she has traveled ever since; she is the owner of the studio I work at, the one who hired me for the summer internship; I worked for her once before in a winter event before she expanded the studio, and I meet her trough my professor soon to be another boss JT.) Yeah, so I got to the studio, I wanna say, towards the afternoon. I wake up pretty late in the summer, so I always get there late. And I saw her car. She was running up and down all day, and I was on my bench trying to figure out what to do and talking to Kat every little bit. I discovered that an old friend I didn't want to see anymore would be working there during the September mark. Anyway, around 5 or 6, my friend Pau got there with her mom (her mom will be taking classes for the next month in the studio), and while I and Pau were in the back, Kat told me that I should show her the research I had done during the time she was traveling. I did, and we had a very long conversation where I couldn't really find the words to express myself, and that's when Kat told me to start writing. We stayed in the studio until 9 or 10 and left. It was an odd day.

now, Wednesday was a very interesting day. I had written my first blog entry last night, and I had very fresh thoughts in my head. Anyway, I got to the studio, and Val was on her way out; there was also another visiting artist who is friends with Kat there working, so I was kind of left on watch-out duty for a while. and he came up to talk to me about the things I was working on, and we just started a nice, normal chatter. this conversation went on and on for 3 hours; it was a little insane that I talked with someone who I thought was very pretentious, haha. it was a very weird conversation, tho I don't really know why I was entertaining it, but it was really weird, and now I don't know how to feel about it. I don't mean it was a bad conversation or I felt uncomfortable but it was a very unprofessional conversation and a conversation I shouldn't have with someone I nearly even knew. anyway, I left a little early that day since my friends Gwen, Fernando, and Isaac wanted to go out to dance, and since I wanna live every day without regrets, I didn't say no, haha. well it was pretty boring I really hate when I go out at places like that cuz I really feel like I am such a normal person. I feel like I look like such a plain person that no one ever comes up to talk to me. It's a little awful. well, I was bored the whole time and my friends kinda annoy me since they wanted to go out to "emo night" but they never listened to emo music so they always wanna be outside and I really like the music but I also don't want to be the only one that's inside cuz that is just lonely. Anyway, that's going into too many personal things. so we went home, and I went to sleep and didn't write for the first time since starting.

The next day I also went to the studio, and late as always, so it was Thursday, which meant open studio hours, and more than likely, there was also a bunch of people coming in and out. Well, this Thursday was a special day since we had a visiting artist, Flaco had invited to have an informal talk with us, but I am getting a little ahead of myself. When I first got to the studio, it had a very awkward, tense vibe in it; having Kat back in the studio was a little hard. You always feel like you might do something wrong at any moment. Me and Pau slowly were able to get comfortable as time went on. Anyway, as 5 started to roll around, the artist Da'von (the only real name I am using) came to the studio, and we talked for a little while. The conversation we had with him made me feel a little more confident about what I am doing, and maybe when I am around the age he is right now, I could be in the same place as he is. After he left the open studio and so many people were there, I was talking so much this day. Another friend of Kat stopped by, and I talked with this man so much, too. I talk too much professional yapper.

Friday was pretty simple. I worked on some copper nails that will be turned into earrings soon, and Da'von was there again to finish working on some things. I was pleasantly surprised and happy he returned to work briefly before leaving for Dallas. I got to talk to him briefly, and he gave me a demo on casting. Seeing people like him working so hard and being successful makes me feel a little more happy with my life. I finished working and headed home.

Alright, Saturday, I decided to take an off day. I had been in the studio so many days I needed to get out. I went out with my best friend and her cousin to a lake, where I spent all day burning my skin and getting my clothes wet, but it was a lovely little recipe I needed. I didn't think of anything or have projects in my head that were everything I needed.

And now, I was supposed to go to church on Sunday, but I would much rather sleep all day. Haha, what a sinner.

I glazed over many things I was thinking about or nearly even touched on the topic, but these are things I need to explore on a deeper level when the thoughts come across without trying to force them.

[kennys-confessional]

I have to write more

Today is August 7th, 2024, and I realized I must write more. It only became more apparent as I talked to one of my mentors today that I had heard before from professors that reading was fundamental to the working process. I have also seen the value of research when making artwork. I don't really understand why tho. Is it possible for me to make art for the sake of art, just because it looks good? What is the big deal about me having to research or look deeper into things? I first started doing this because I wanted to express my experiences with objects, images, or things. I have plans but need to learn how to execute them. I also need a more extensive idea to make those works of art something worth making but isn't it just because I want to make it that makes it a worthy thing to make.

Anyway, after talking to my mentor boss, who we will call "Kat," we concluded that I need to go out there and have more experiences by living them and not just working on them. The other thing is that I need to write more. I need to give myself exercises to understand what the things that call my attention are and what the constants are in those things I seek. Seeing the constants won't be a tough one; however, I really need to understand and unpack the things I see; what I find complicated is the idea that I will have to write or, in this case, type.

Could you tell me what I am supposed to write about, though? My day? What did I eat? What did I do?

I could start by explaining the reason why I started this blog. I began this because although it is anonymous enough that no one I know will read this, I also have those who don't know me and have the possibility of running into this blog. Both the no one knowing and the whole world to know, but with Tumblr being the dead site it is nowadays, it's like a public diary to see. Although I like being mysterious and fantastic, I also want to have strangers take a peek into my life. After all, as an artist, I am a junkie for attention.

Should I introduce myself to this blog? Or slowly reveal information as I go? Okay, the least I could do is give you my "name." I say it like that since, in reality, it is my nickname, but if you know me, you would know exactly who I am. My name is Kenny, and my favorite color is green. I hope you enjoy my yapping and nonsensical thoughts. Please be patient with me.

[kennys-confessional]

I am scared I don't know how to grieve.

Recently I got news that someone i once saw everyday passed away. I couldn't cry I haven't cried. I was left with the responsibility of telling someone else and as soon as I told them they broke down crying. I couldn't bring myself to even feel like crying. I feel bad but I still don't feel like I should cry. I'll be going to the funeral tomorrow but I don't think I'll cry.

[kennys-confessional]

My bed is full of ants.

It stings when they walk all over me but I don't have the energy to kill them.

I haven't been able to sleep properly since I came back and the ants have been around since then.

[kennys-confessional]

I remember kneeling. I remember kneeling on beautiful pews. I remember kneeling on the red leather; I remember how sticky they got after 5 minutes on the summer days. I remember kneeling on the easter day mass; I had those beautiful puffy dresses with all the tooling and how that would pierce into my skin the longer I stayed on my knees. Sometimes, I would fold my dress over to the soft polyester and kneel on that, or I would lift my dress to kneel on the red leather. Sometimes, when there was no leather, we would kneel on the polished wood; when there was no wood, we kneeled on the floor. My dad would remove his jacket and place it on the floor so we could kneel on it. My dad would kneel on the concrete floor, although he disliked attending church. I remember the smell of the humidity of the swollen wood mixed with the incense and the old books. I remember church.