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Vent Christmas Day 2017

Idk what I just did or what just happened but everything just got dark and down. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t feel. I just saw my hand and felt tears running down my face. I felt alone ,helpless,saddens a sadness I haven’t felt since I lost her . A sadness I haven’t felt since I was left alone. A sadness I haven’t felt since I realized who I am and what I am. Y am I so sad now. Y can’t u stop crying. A day like today usually means nun to me. I do this same thing every day what makes today so different. Is it cause I’ve been nulling my pain with DRUGZ sex and alcohol surrounding myself with ppl being “busy” and now that I’m alone and realizing I truly have no one. I had one before and I have someone now but neither of them are enough and I just don’t know what I need. I... don’t need to be here anymore not physically or mentally on this planet . I need my soul to be set free and just leave. I am trapped here on this earth living this sad lonely life. I need to cheer up tho it’s Christmas . Should be sad on Christmas . Shouldn’t let ppl see you sad. You have ppl to encourage. But at same time if I wasn’t here would their lives truly change . My family barley notices me or talks to me unless they need me . My friends are all so far away and only come to me when they need me or are bored.

I’m dust on their shoulder and need to be brushed off. I’m dust . I’m dumb. I’m K.R.D.H❌. I hate those words so much they were all given to me by ppl who don’t care about me . That last name is so trash and attached to so much pain . Y do I keep it! I should throw it and myself away I shouldn’t carry it on. I should let it die with me.