kentkennyradcliffe

[kentkennyradcliffe]

Suppose and then suppose and then suppose

The wires on the far away telephone poles

Zapped up t billion flooded words they heard

Each night all night and saved the sense and meaning of it all

Ten jigsaws put together in tired words like moon children

Mindless beats all treasure of vowels and consonants

Saves up a miracle of bad advice

And lets it filter, whispers of heartbeats out

One lisping murmur at a time

So, one night soon someone sits up

Hears sharp bells ringing lifts phone

And hears a voice like holy ghosts

That beat upon the wire

[kentkennyradcliffe]

I was a teenage anarchist – against me

Eating me alive  - alkaline trio

Do better – say anything

Less cute – say anything

The reflecting god – Marilyn Manson

Sorry seems to be the hardest word – Elton john

Space bound – Eminem

No love – Eminem

Summer man – taking back Sunday

Dao – death of auto tune – jay z

Russian roulette – Rihanna

Power – Kanye west

[kentkennyradcliffe]

The dialogue inside my head

This is hard to put into words, but the poems written here is the dialogue I have inside my head with myself and whatever else is in here with me. This is what I “think” and say back in thought. It’s a silent war inside my mind…

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?! What are you talking about?!!!

I do not think I want to know

You say you are making a point but you are making no sense

Just keep your mouth shut

No one cares about what you have to say

You’re acting like such a bitch

Whining about how you cannot let your opinions out

Well sorry no one cares anyway

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?! What are you talking about?!!!

I don’t really care to know

Your round about speech is so lame

You are not got nothing to say                                        

I used to think so highly of you

Made all that noise

I hate you

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me me me

Oh selfish me

Look at me

Talk about me

Always and forever me me me

About me and that is because I choose to be

Babied

You cannot help me

But say maybe choose a side and be proud and mean

If you do not you will fall in between

This could be paradise for you and me

But there is always an alternative underneath

The gray clouds the maniac inside my head

And you wonder why I can’t go to bed

Don’t say sorry

Oh please don’t mistake my charming man stance

If Adam ant were right

My prince charming will come

But then I remember I’m not as glam

So I relate myself to Morrissey and write about my terminal illness

Whatever that means

I know I am fake because I do not know what I mean

I write from my heart but my heart is unclean

And my head is full of mercenary machines

Constant contradictions of the obscene

And ye tall you wanted in this life was change

To be a good Christian boy

The manhood proved too much to take in

I gave into you and got you sick

Now my body is rejecting our last sin

And it is hurts more than you know you see me smile and walk around like I am fine

But underneath I am dying

My masks are getting stronger all the time

Ad my organs are decaying

Fast food – over do it – over due on my all my fines

And the car trouble oh well oh never mind

If I could it be your best friend for all time

I never wanted to hurt you

I never wanted to hurt you

Play mean again

This is goodbye

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you believe in what you cannot see?

Does the unknown scare your heart on your sleeve?

I knew you once or twice before I lost it

Still cannot find it

So lost without it

Are you mine forever

And ever

And ever

You said never

Have I ever

No never

There comes the stain in the bed

And all the the little lies

I cherish them

How can you say we lost it all?

When we never had it anyway

I hold true to you even if you leave me

The final goodbye

I never saw it coming like a gun to my head from the one you trusted

I see now I was wrong

And you were never mine.

All you said it was not something to remember

Still I find my heart in your hands

Pulling my mood string daily, constantly

Will you release me?

Though your words fell on easy ears

I remember you told me to stay strong

Just like the song we shared

When the sun was coming down in twilight

And you reached for a star and said these are ours forever

I loved you once or twice because of the weather

I was so blind to myself I was just blind

You opened my eyes

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We are not looking for someone like you

You call this entertainment, but to some it is so much more

We find comfort in these songs

And all you do is come up with clever rhymes

Nobody will care in a week

This is a call to arms

Come rush into my arms and let me give you something real

For once in your life carry my words in your heart

But you say:

Why should I care you have nothing for me

Come stand in my shoes

Come be my small muse

This is a call to arms

We need more people like you

Listen to your heart stop being so closed and stuck in your gender role

Just like the same beat over and over again

Rock is dead, punk is dead, but soul is not

I just don’t understand why some choose to bury it

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tell me what you do it

The bible is not a weapon unless you know how to use it

It seems like every Christian

Wants to knock me down and make me grovel

Jesus did not preach hostility

Jesus was hardly angry

on fire for the holy ghost I just do not understand

it frightens me

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I used to live on the other side

Took a long time for me to realize

That there was never enough time

To stay inside my mind.at

I used to say that I liked both sides

Until I found out there was no compromise

All I want to do is be me

All I want to do is make you see

That I am not a king or a queen

I am free to be whatever I want to be

I do not have to choose a team

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for proving to me that I am something to be laughed at

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes things are meant to be hidden. Things is such a catch all phrase. I am looking down at my legs so full of hair so disgusting. I tried to hide it tried to keep a perfect frame, a perfect body, obsessing over every detail. Tragic beauty.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s dark outside the empty sky makes me worry. I made my friend scream out for me. He was my only love. I became so confused and shoved the desire out of my head and replaced it with the lord’s forgiveness.

Do I regret this? Was he my perfect other?

I feel confronted by all the world. Like I should open my closet and show them everything

No, I am not in dept to them I am not a product of theme not a god-fearing man

I want him back. 

I’m sleeping with my friend tonight and nothing can stop me.

Now I am back from thought. His cry is finally heard. I am back to sin. You sins into me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[kentkennyradcliffe]

It isn’t my place to hurt the girl. She doesn’t know you like I do. And the fact that you didn’t want to tell her about me hurts more than I thought it would. I am just a complication for you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a club and met a girl and we went to my house and we talked until three then she kissed me and I knew it was happening. Next morning I woke up and saw her but she wasn’t the same then I remembered she was a man and I was a man and I swear I was drunk but the silence was too much and he said well don’t worry I had fun. And how could I not see it was right there the obvious sign of sexuality? All I could think was it’s a sin. So I fell to my knees after he left and wept and cried for god to forgive me. The lord didn’t hear me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[kentkennyradcliffe]

Occasionally we get a rare chance to prove to ourselves that we could be friends then I go and ruin it

This whole summer had been a great time until you took out your knife and plunged it in my back. I gave into your every word and suggestion, you said I make you happy then I met this girl you cheated on me with and she said the same thing that she makes you happy

So is the lie we tell ourselves is this the line you use to get to our hearts?

And so now you hate me for telling her the truth well she deserves it

She deserves to know your game so I told her everything it’s such a shame

And she will cry oh my god she will cry her poor sad heart out. Like throwing up those butterflies.

Heartbreak might not be the biggest pain in our lives but it sure does hurt

It’s like I’m crazy always letting others use me

I just want to be loved

[kentkennyradcliffe]

But you don’t care

You never did

So I’ll stay alone

And that were older

Who knew if your alive

I kept it all this pain inside

To be left out in the cold again

But when we were kids

We would stay over at Taylors house

And sleep together on the floor

I remember

You said you really liked me

Lies all lies

You admitted those feelings were still true

That they never left and I believed you

But I still feel the pain

I want to believe you again

I don’t want to lose you

But do you even care?

I don’t want to be alone

[kentkennyradcliffe]

I’m not allowed to state my side of the book that we wrote together at one point now it’; s a joke. And I am the joke that you believed in. I never wanted  to be put on this pedestal but you placed me so high from the fuckers down below who used to feel that good. I was in a good place then you destroyed it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The new model inspired by pain, mm, and the words of friends who tell me to grow up, move on, and forget and distract and eat and stop drugs. Lets hope this one dies quickly. I hate being out of my element.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[kentkennyradcliffe]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m sitting on the floor in front of my closet with the left door open cleaning out the closet and I picked up a spiderman action figure, the a dog figure, and I simply place spiderman on top of the dog. This instantly brought back memories of me playing with millions of action figures. I remembering sitting in my room for hours imagining that they were under my control and creating a fantasy world where they were alive and I was their god.

I am listening to Franz Ferdinand bite hard.

This memory will be a great scene in a movie about a boy growing up alone on his choice of innocence.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[kentkennyradcliffe]

Face me like a man and scream out everything

I am not any better off then you

Yet you turn away and suffer the abusive boys

Those murderous boys

In the long run there was a man

Waiting for me to accept god’s plan

In the short run

There was a boy

Who told me “just you wait and see love can happen suddenly.”

I turn away for a good reason

I turn away

 In the bathrooms

I sat all alone

Crying out to someone

Anyone

But no one showed

I found my answer

In the solitude of damning my own soul

I was alone

And no one came to save me

No prince

Or sweet young lady

I served the sentence

And gave up all hope

No knight in shinning armor

I could not accept

No heroin or darling gold angel

I could not accept

I needed a savior, not just a friend

I needed a soulmate

Not just sex

[kentkennyradcliffe]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So my friends have all died and I’m left alone

But I guess it’s not that bad

Because I never saw any of them when they were alive

Despite all the lies about how much they missed me

And about how they respect me

I see they have no sense

So what different does it make anyway?

I’m standing tall over the city skyline

What good is it if no one can see me though?

I will just to eventually die to make them notice

Jump off 3… 2… 1…

The first feelings

The first moments

The first encounter

The first sign of hope

Soon to be take away

[kentkennyradcliffe]

Confession to god

Don’t let me fall for the world and all it’s self made perceptions of love. Don’t let me get caught up in a scandal of drugs. Don’t let me go on my own and forget you. Don’t let me give into sin and let it infest me. Don’t let the shadows consume me. Don’t let the demons possess me. Don’t let the witches haunt me. Do not let the memories haunt me Just save me from myself and what I want. Give me what I need instead.

[kentkennyradcliffe]

It is the root of the pain but no one wants to claim any part of it so they throw their life away to gain wealth and live happily ever after.

When I look in the mirror I see a face that is getting older

In my full figure frame of mind where there once was nothing now resides only shame.

I have a small disease of the brain

I strive for perfection Greek beauty the ideal image of how to look

Even though I’m decent I want to be more

My flat chest and skinny arms look good in a tight black shirt,

But w/o muscle I am perceived as weak and frail and small

I want to cut their throats those speakers of the past

In the future I hope to be built like the gods

And still my words have no value

Except to be laughed at

No one wants to believe that I could be strong and attractive

His face engrained in my head

Laughing and shoving me around

Like a small cat clawing and scratching

Just to get away for a day

Form those hideous eyes

In high school all I did was cry

Now I am 18 and wiser

When I am 25 I wont commit suicide all the young dudes

I’ll be straight and content and married

No wonder people question me

I cant deny the past

But at least please try and avert your eyes and look towards the sun

Look at me now and see what I see

Don’t dwell on the past versions of me

Those small identities were not real

I became a product, a toy, a rumor, a boy looking for love, indifferent to sex drugs and god

I gave up my heart and let you stomp through it like grass

I gave up my mind to escape the past

Yet people like him and her and you and he and she and them and you, they try to..

No no no, they try to make me be what I am not meant to be

I cannot be

I cannot be

I wont allow It to be so

I will keep fighting and stay clean

Celibate

I wont give into sex and boys and pot and coke and beer and girls and beauty and technology and fun and scary things.

I could never behave

But ill try to

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear god if you care listen to my simple prayer and remember I am aware of your miracles and I’m not asking for one, I just need to know am I allowed to love the way I want. Am I allowed to hold the hand of another man who loves me? Is it okay? I need to know now or I will stray.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[kentkennyradcliffe]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything turns away from disaster

The man may have heard something splash

A forsaken cry

But something amazing

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[kentkennyradcliffe]

Sometime 2008-2009

Cory and Katy are having a setback.

I think katy is texting too much and cory is getting bored or tired.

He seems to go through phases where he wants a gf then he just wants to be single then he wants to be flirty with everyone. He is such a case.

Then I found out Elden and Allison were doing stuff in my car with a seatbelt to choke her and I was not okay with that.

I was hoping to see Logan again but that ship has sailed.

So instead I went to Eldens. We watched rent and robin Williams and Michael hempen and some new music by green day taking back Sunday. He said cool and was happy I exposed him to new kinds of music. New York dolls and David bowie and Iggy pop and t. rex. I think he knew I was into looking like a girl. The whole time I was there I wanted to mess around but I knew that wouldn’t happen.

I just can’t help it. I have a man crush on him. He is strong and good looking and sometimes flirtatious. Plus whenever he drinks monsters he gets hyper and frisky and horny. God he looks good in athletic shorts. Idk why but girls just do not do  it for me right now. It’s a phase I guess. Plus I’m trying to stay away from situations that could hurt me.

[kentkennyradcliffe]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel so bad for cory. He told me once that people ask him all the time if he is bi. But I didn’t know it was still going on. I mean cory must be suffering silently because of the rumors. But why do people ask him these things anyway? Is it because of me? Does me being friends with him make other people think he is bi? And why do they care to find out? Is it some rule that a bisexual person can’t be just friends with someone because they are all fucking each other all the time? How ridiculous.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ George Orwell – Shooting an Elephant Oscar Wilde – Intentions, the importance of being earnest Jam – That’s Entertainment

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[kentkennyradcliffe]

For mom

You have the same defense

Denial

All you want

Is nothing I can give you

I can see your tears but

You have the same regrets

I can feel your pain

It burns into my heart

You must learn to cope

But I must be free to live my life

You must learn to move on

But keep the memory alive

You aren’t the only one with hidden pain

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am alone to face the truth

And die alone with my lies exposed

In a song that’s never been sung

It’s not a fair world

This is how we all fall apart

We bury our bodies but not our lives

We burn the hearts to purify you

And god will accept me as I fly to his gate

He will not deny me

He will absolve all my sins

By confessing it’s not a sin

Love always wins

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All my life I’ve been fighting the stereotype

Fighting the rumors and their ignorant minds

If I wasn’t sane I’d probably have killed them

But I’m not another columbine

Al I’ve still got my sensible mind

Revenge is not mine but gods

[kentkennyradcliffe]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Julie is a case. She must think there is something going on between me and her. Every time I talk to her, she changes her status to “if only I could hold you” and “missing him”. It’s kinda getting on my nerves. But I let it go because I know she is just lonely. And I told her about my cocaine problem. She isn’t responding well to that.

I haven’t spoken to anyone else from college, how quickly they all forget. I will still see Margie since she is in my ad 2 class. I like her but she doesn’t know it. She has neat style and wants to be more dark, but she is afraid of being called emo. Poor child, emo is not a bad thing.

Well I need to go to bed. I’ve been up since 9 am and I don’t get to bed till 3 am. I need to get more sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------