keyhearts

[keyhearts]

✴️ We also feel pretty sick today. I think it's connected with stress.

Very occasionally, when we talk too much about something Big we end up with this weird throat thing. It's really painful and it takes ages for us to get over.

[keyhearts]

✴️ I've noticed some younger people like to add those userboxes to their profiles or posts.

Taking notice of it really brought me back to our deviantart days. We used to love collecting stamps and putting them on our profile.

Good memories.

It's nice to know that some things more or less live on, even if it's kind of different now.

[keyhearts]

😈 So we were trying to get to sleep. Jake was here and he's not used to having to be here when we go to sleep. It's kinda triggering for him, I think.

It eventually resulted in me being here. And I just had the weirdest experience.

I was in my blissful, floaty, dissociated feeling. I was relaxed and felt nice. But then I shifted, something fell onto the ground from our bed.

It sounded like knocking.

And immediately, a wave of panic washed over me. My heart started beating really fast. I felt real fear and danger. Like something bad was going to happen. I scrambled to turn on the light.

I definitely didn't feel floaty anymore. It's like I'd been ripped out of my 'good' trauma feelings, and was forced to face the reality, the fear, that I'd tried to forget.

And now I'm still sitting with that. I feel too scared to turn the light back off. It feels safer with the light on, when I can see everything. The pitch black is scary and unsafe.

And to top it all off, something else has been nagging at our thoughts all day, and it's decided to come back to the surface right now.

Someone else was thinking about Jake and his introjects. Our brain thought, "hmm, he definitely has a 'type' when it comes to the type of characters he relates to". We thought back to when Jake and Zach watched Trigun Stampede, and thought, "man, isn't it lucky he never ended introjecting Vash? It was so likely, considering his personality, and the themes in that show".

We thought "ah, but it probably didn't happen due to how triggered Jake got by the last episode, huh?"

Huh.

But now... we just keep thinking about it. Instead of the passing thought it was, it's become something nagging at our mind.

It feels weird. I feel like I'm in a different place now. With Jake's first few introjects, there was a lot of embarrassment and shame we had to deal with, as well as the constant blurriness with his subsystem. It made it impossible to tell any of them apart.

And I think a lot of it has to do with Jake's lack of acceptance. He didn't want to accept his subsystem. He didn't want to confront it. He wanted to keep repressing it and pretending that it wasn't there. Because getting closer to that would mean getting closer to the trauma.

But Jake's matured now. Maybe he's ready to confront it.

[keyhearts]

Someone went back and read through the last week's worth of posts, it made me realise a few things.

First, that we honestly don't sound as bad or 'crazy' as our brain tells us we are. Like, in the moment, our trauma alters think that we're absolutely horrible, that the things we say make us look bad, and that people are judging us. Sometimes they make us think we're being completely unreasonable and that we have no right to be posting about anything.

But reading back after I've gained some distance from the feelings, and some time has passed, has helped me see that the things they think aren't true at all! Instead of feeling shame, the alter reading was thinking that the things we had to say were actually quite interesting!

Looking with fresh eyes definitely helps me read posts in a different light, as well as see the broader picture and what those alters were trying to accomplish. Our persecutatory thoughts always, always have a purpose. Sometimes it's in anticipation of some sort of threat, it's a deep fear stemming from the past. Trauma parts use fear and shame to control us, because that's genuinely all they know.

Mark did say it made us realise a few things, but I switched in to explain, and so I have no idea what the other thing he was thinking about was. 😅

So instead I'll say that it's been really nice working on our pinned post and picrew icons. It's been really helpful for us to just let ourselves have fun. It sounds so obvious, but sometimes we get so caught up in our own head that it isn't.

Andrew actually worked on some of the picrew icons too, and it really helped him to unwind and relax, if just for a little bit.

It's been a collaborative effort working on the descriptions too. How to describe certain alters comes more naturally to some of us. Some of us have deeper insights due to our outside perspective or closer relationship with those alters. I also just think it's good that it's something we're all slowly working on together, instead of trying to rush it out asap.

(Mark, Robin and Jake)

[keyhearts]

✨️🌙 Meet the crew! ☀️☁️

(...Or some of us at least 😅)

We're keyhearts, an adult complex system on a recovery journey.

This blog functions as a journal for all of us. We vent, and write about our experiences and daily life.

Word of warning that this blog may be potentially triggering! Most posts are untagged.

There's a lot of us. Only a small number of our alters are pictured.

Intros below:

Disclaimer: while we choose to share information about our alters, it's in no way a requirement or always safe to do so! Do what's best for you.

Alters aren't listed in the order they're pictured.

Andrew ⚔️ – one of the head gatekeepers of our system. Prickly and standoffish. Maintains a composed facade, and often speaks in a monotone. Always tired. Works himself too hard. The main driving force behind our recovery.

Jake 🎭 – another gatekeeper figure in our system. Friendly, fun-loving, and adventureous, and yet far from an open book. Like Andrew, he has a lot on his shoulders. But he's a lot more easily stressed. For a year or two he was the alter who was around most of the time.

Avery 🐲 – Andrew's significant other. If Andrew were a king, then he'd be his knight. As his role took more and more of a toll on him, Andrew needed someone to lean on, resulting in Avery's presence. Very level-headed, easygoing, and has protective, caring energy. Non-human.

(WIP)

[keyhearts]

Sometimes one (or maybe more) of our alters give us the strong urge to check the cringe site. We actually use a website blocker on our phone to stop us from going on reddit at all. But if alters really want to look they end up opening a different browser instead. Ugh. 😓

It really depresses me when I see threads on there of people looking for advice as to whether someone they know is faking. First because it's generally a terrible place to even consider going to for advice. And second because the people they're asking aren't even that well informed about DID.

Like why do you even feel the need to ask these random people who are mostly just interested in making fun of people? Do you really expect them to give good advice? Why do you want random strangers online to tell you how you should handle your real life relationships, instead of figuring it out yourself and actually doing some research on the disorder before deciding they're faking?

Sometimes the reason they think someone they know is faking is just.... denial. They think that person couldn't possibly have gone through that type of trauma. They think it has to be impossible because their brain simply doesn't want to face that reality.

Or they're misinformed and think they're not traumatised enough (and that's not even taking into account that DID hides trauma from you and that they might not yet know all their trauma). Or they expect the disorder to look a certain way, and when it doesn't, it's fake (even if the way they're presenting is actually totally normal, and someone well informed would know that).

It felt good to get that off my chest. I was feeling pretty frustrated. I think next time, I'll question my littles more,or firmly tell them it isn't helpful to look at those spaces.

[keyhearts]

I go into the kitchen to get a snack. I open the pantry and think 'what's that smell?'

I look down, and sitting on the lower shelf is this huge bag of popcorn. Like ridiculously large.

It genuinely made me crack up laughing and say "omg, why did we buy that?"

Like it's too much popcorn to even fit into a container. I'd need five containers. Lmao. I hope it doesn't all go stale before we manage to eat it.

Man. Just weird system things, amirite?

Maybe a couple of movie nights are in order. 😉

(Avery+June)

[keyhearts]

I really like listening to music from mid 00s to early 10s. Music from back then just hits different. It feels like it's where I belong.

I mean, I do listen to modern music too. But I really do have a preference for that time period.

(Mark 🏜)

[keyhearts]

And... that's actually part of the problem. 🫤

Telling me that I have to remember and that I have to recall and recount my trauma to you does not give me a lot of agency here.

Maybe that's something I should do on my own terms, not something I should have forced out of me. 🙄

(Mark 🏜)

[keyhearts]

I hate when people say things and it's clear they don't really know what they're saying. The whole "you don't have to remember your trauma" is WRONG and it irks me. You absolutely DO have to remember your trauma eventually if you want to fully heal. As long as the trauma stays unaddressed, it will continue to affect you and it will affect your physical health too.

Why is being valid considered more important than actually healing from the trauma that caused your system in the first place???

Until I renember every fucking second of the trauma, then I am worthless. I will NEVER just keep my trauma dissociated forever and justify it as okay, or tell myself that I'm "not able to remember". Because that would be a fucking lie. It's a lie your telling yourself so you can feel like it's okay to avoid the trauma.

I can't stand anyone. I can't stand myself. You have to EARN the right to live life like everyone else. It isn't good enough to simply to just know about the system. You have to remember. Trauma is not meant to stay dissociated!!!

I will tear myself apart to remember. I will destroy myself. I will punish myself and I'll never fully rest until it's been done. I DON'T DESERVE A GOOD LIFE UNLESS I FUCKING REMEMBER

It's all my fault. Remembering is a moral obligation. If I'm a GOOD PERSON then I will dig up every last bit of it. If I stop before remembering, then I will have failed as a survivor. I'm fucking worthless if I don't remember.

[keyhearts]

Went to sleep late again. Thoughts racing. Others were making us think that I'm a manipulator and a programmed alter who's secretly working against us. And that Andrew is secretly working against us too and only pretending to help.

My hip hurts, and it's hard to keep my eyes open. Now I have to wait until the day ends to get a good night's rest.

[keyhearts]

I deleted Mark's post that he put in the tag.

No hard feelings, Mark, but you really need to shut up.

Going off in the main tags draws too much attention towards us. We don't want malicious people taking notice of us.

I don't even disagree with what you said. But learn to tell when it's worth arguing and when it's just going to fall on deaf ears.

(Jason)

[keyhearts]

So. Weird thing happened. We watched the Steven Universe episodes Catch And Release and When It Rains. They were both about Peridot. And it felt like the episodes mirrored real life.

There was the scene where Peridot is scared of the storm. She's never heard thunder or seen rain before, and she's convinced they're all going to die. But Steven explains to her that it's alright. And he goes out into the rain to show her that. And it shows her hesitantly reaching her hand out to touch the rain, then fully going out herself.

And inbetween episodes, a little came out. She spoke aloud, saying "don't hurt me" over and over. I talked to her. I helped her see no-one was here to hurt us. Then she actually fronted and looked through our eyes ourself. I explained to her that this is our house, that I'm Avery, that we're big now and have grown up, and kept reassuring her that we're safe. It actually worked this time, because she looked around and saw things for herself. It was confusing for her, but she gradually accepted it.

After that happened, we got really dizzy. The another child came out, and I did the same process all over again.

Then, we thought about how our therapist said that having alters front themselves, even if for just a short time, can be a positive and beneficial experience for them, and helps with orienting them or something like that. Then another alter thought that our therapist must've hypnotised us.

I personally thought it was Andrew that made this happen. He's always listening after all. He said he thought the time was right for that to happen. Then I asked him to confirm that it was him and not hypnosis.

He said "you'll have to figure that out yourself".

It's annoying that he has to be so cryptic, but I know he wouldn't just be doing it to fuck with me. Maybe there's a reason he can't say it directly.

He says there is. I believe him.

[keyhearts]

Andrew questioned why I'm doing this. But why wouldn't I?

Right now, it seems pretty clear to me that he's doing badly and that he's the most in need. I know you're a gatekeeper and like to act strong. As much as you like to pretend otherwise, you do have needs just like any other alter does.

⚔️: I think your time would be better spent elsewhere.

Oh yeah? I can't say I really believe that.

⚔️: I'm not comfortable having this conversation where anyone can read it. I'm not an example for others to learn from.

⚔️: But, I do think your time would be better spent on other things. It's a waste to spend it taking care of me. Nothing you do will make much of a difference anyway.

You wouldn't say that about anyone else in the system, would you? So why say it about yourself? Now are you going to hang out with me and have a night off or what?

⚔️: I'm not like everyone else in the system. You know that.

You're not a machine, Andrew. I promise you that you're deserving of rest just like everyone else.

⚔️: If you insist on it, then fine. We will have a night off together. But don't go convincing yourself that you're capable of fixing me.

⚔️: Everything I experience is deserved. It is what I've earned. I'm not a regular person and I never will be. It's better to accept it than to fight it.

I don't believe that Andrew. You've done so much for us, and you sacrifice so much for the sake of the system. What I'm doing for you is my way of giving back.

⚔️: If that is how you see it.

I went back and actually read Andrew's posts from the last several days. I don't think I realised how badly he was actually doing. A lot of the things he said concerned me.

I'm going to try and talk to him. Maybe do something fun with him once I've gotten the important stuff out of the way.

He's telling me "Don't bother" and "I don't want you to bother". But right now I'm here, my job is to take care of others, and right now it feels that you need is a friend and some time to decompress. I wouldn't be doing my job very well if I just ignored you and let you repress everything and pretend everything is fine.

"Do what you want". Why is it so hard for you to accept help Andrew? You're deserving of support just as much as anyone else is.

⚔️: Fine. Have it your way.

[keyhearts]

I went back and actually read Andrew's posts from the last several days. I don't think I realised how badly he was actually doing. A lot of the things he said concerned me.

I'm going to try and talk to him. Maybe do something fun with him once I've gotten the important stuff out of the way.

He's telling me "Don't bother" and "I don't want you to bother". But right now I'm here, my job is to take care of others, and right now it feels that you need is a friend and some time to decompress. I wouldn't be doing my job very well if I just ignored you and let you repress everything and pretend everything is fine.

"Do what you want". Why is it so hard for you to accept help Andrew? You're deserving of support just as much as anyone else is.

⚔️: Fine. Have it your way.

[keyhearts]

Was Mark overreacting and feeding the trolls? I mean probably.

But it's honestly a shitty move to use tags like that alongside survivor tags. If you want to promote communities like pro-paraphilia, maybe do it well away from people who are sexual abuse victims and are trying to recover from it. I'm saying this gently, but you need to know your place and get out of places where you don't actually belong.

It also concerns me because it could affect the algorithim and the quality of the tags. We don't want the algorithim to start thinking there's an association between those two tags and start recommending posts from that tag to people. And it also does not reflect well on the DID community as a whole.

Imagine being a newly diagnosed person with DID. You search up communities online, looking for resources and others sharing their experiences, only to find it full of people like that. It's wrong. Its near impossible to find actual useful information anymore. The lack of access to good resources and pollution of the tags is no doubt slowing down other people's recovery processes.

[keyhearts]

Mildly frustrating. We got a reply from our therapist to an email others sent. We only sent it a week ago, but I've already forgotten the session they were referring to and what exactly the therapist said in session that concerned them. All I have to go by is the email we sent, and that isn't enough for me to tell if it's a good response. It reads as evasive or not actually addressing the problem they had, but it's hard for me to really say for sure since I lack any memory of the session. We really need to get better at properly documenting our sessions so we don't have this problem again.

I know it was that other alters were worried about the language she used, and whether she was trying to prompt programmed parts to do certain things. I mean, they could easily have been misinterpreting something she said, but I have no way of knowing now. 🫠

They were very minor things. But one of them is that we were doing a tapping and visualisation exercise in session. We were meant to visualise a safe space to help comfort triggered parts. She talked us through it, and when we were starting she gave a few examples, a forest being one of them.

And to some alters it felt strange that she'd use that as an example, since the forest is a place that contains trauma parts, and from my understanding isn't necessarily a good place? It made some parts think she was trying to prompt the forest gatekeeper to put alters away in the forest. But I honestly don't know if this is another one of those cases of them twisting things to turn us against our therapist, or if it's an actual concern. 😓

Then, there was another session where we were talking about June and Avery's possible fusion. She explained some stuff about it, and she described it something along the lines of alters being drawn to each other, and being like siblings.

Again, it was a minor thing, but the wording felt off due to us having recently talked about Andrew and ✴️. Andrew had spoken about how his brother, ✴️, had forced him into a sexual situation with him that he didn't want to be in. So it felt odd to use that turn of phrase knowing that. It again made parts think she was trying to draw out ✴️ or set him off? And he did in fact end up bothering Andrew again that night after the session.

But I don't know if ✴️'s actions had nothing to do with what the therapist said, and was instead actually related to something else. I don't think those offhand comments alone would be enough to prompt alters to do anything.

They do still have their own thoughts and control over their own actions. It's not like they can't think for themselves and choose what they want to do.

I don't know. It really feels like we're just nitpicking and taking things out of context. And that alters are just trying to convince us that our therapist is doing harm because they know she's helping us and want to stop us from getting any closer to the trauma.