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You may be aware that Stephen King suffered near-fatal injuries in 1999 after being struck by a car whose driver had become distracted by the driver’s dog.

You may also know that Stephen King’s Dark Tower series involves a fair amount of dimension-hopping at various points.

If you’re not a reader of Stephen King’s work, but you’re aware of the memes about his stuff, you may even know that, in the course of the aforementioned dimension-hopping shenanigans, the protagonists of the Dark Tower series at one point venture into our own world, where they encounter Stephen King – the man writing the book in which they appear – and that this self-insertion proves to be a critical plot point.

What you may not have picked up as a non-reader is that the 1999 hit-and-run plays a role in this event, in which the driver of the car is depicted as an unwitting servant of the Crimson King.

Like, imagine being that guy. You nearly kill a famous horror writer by accident, then five years later the guy publishes a book about a magic cowboy where one of the plot’s critical junctures hinges on you, personally, being a pawn of Cthulhu Santa Claus.

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people who don’t read stephen king guess which dark tower plotlines are real

A) women throw plates recreationally for a while

B) roland has a kid, but whoops! the kid is a spider

C) they adopt a different kid whose drawings literally alter reality, but in the grand scheme of things it’s not a huge deal

D) they visit the wizard of oz. this is never mentioned again.

E) they try to get through TSA with a shit ton of cocaine

F) humanity’s harry potter obsession was so strong we literally made bombs that look like the golden snitch

G) they fuck an invisible demon. This action will have consequences.

H) They see dead people? 

I) Diversity win! The priest is bisexual!

J) the Other kid in the group writes some crazy shit for his English final and somehow doesn’t tank his grades

K) speaking of which, we have to read about the kid’s english final for entirely too much of a long while

L) Robot bears?

M) the Token Woman of the group regrows her legs

N) the cowboy fights an accountant. this goes on for some time.

O) the wizard fucked the cowboy’s mom but never once makes a your mom joke

P) Aslan shows up

Q) a raven knows how to sing beans beans the magical fruit

R) literally the fate of the world rests on one man’s ability to do woodcarving

S) the wizard dances someone back to life

T) the main antagonist of the series doesn’t show up for a book. like at all. 

U) there’s evil anthropomorphic animals

V) vampires try to kill them

W) one of the characters is afraid of dinosaurs. this is a major plot point Once and solely once and is never mentioned again.

X) how many times is too many times to run a boy over with a car?

Y) murder hobo train

Z) everyone is canonically fictional

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but he has the thicc behind of a badger to boot!

i don’t CARE how many times King describes Oy as a magic-raccoon-dog-thing, he is Wrong, Oy is a Ring Tailed Lemur and That is Final

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there aren't enough Dark Tower memes, so I'm fixing that, one meme at a time.

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100%

no bc I cannot b the only person who very vividly visualizes the tick tock man as like. Hulk Hogan

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How to know that this book is by Stephen King:

1: The premise is technically plausible, but insane.

2: The naming of concepts/plot elements is even weirder.

3: The ending comes completley out of left field and is hands-down batshit.

4: There’s a bad guy somewhere with the intitals R.F. He doesn’t fit into this story’s world at all. But he is here, he’s smiling too much, and he’s making everything way worse. 

5: Dicks. So many dicks. There are penises every 20 pages or so. 

6: Women’s bodies are doing things that women’s bodies do not actually ever do, but this is painted as totally normal and absolutely what every woman’s body does regularly. The weird female body stuff actually distracts you from the story. 

7: Why is there a cowboy here? There should not be a cowboy here…

8: Someone is fat. They’re painted as obscenely, grotesquely obese. They might actually only be a few pounds overweight, but it is apparently disgusting. They’re also probably a horrible person.

9: Weasels. If you’ve read enough of King’s books, you know where I’m going here.

10: Somehow, through all of this weird crap I just described, you adore this book and can’t remember the last time you got this invested in a novel. You might cry at the end. You will likely be scouring the library for another book by Stephen King. There are plenty to choose from, at least. 

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Ah yes the first book of the Dark Tower series by Stephen King, the Gunslinger.

Or as I like to call it: Where's Wally?

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Artist unknown

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If you like pagan shit and folklore and you don’t know the Mari Llwyd, check it out. A rap battling alcoholic horse ghost comin’ to fuck up your night.

I found out about Mari Lwyd not so long time ago - and I fell in love with the concept. Here are some of my Lwyd arts I drew recently! UPD - drew a new Lwyd scene!

UPD - added new art

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The Adventures of Big Dog the Clown, 24th Jan 22

LET’S GET YOU IN THE MOOD, KIDS, IT’S A WILD ONE!!! Background music for your enjoyment. If you’re on mobile, here’s a Spotify option. Want to really set the scene? Grab some snacks! Snacks such as, for example, popcorn, like this popcorn given out to passers-by by Butterkist today in front of Downing Street.

OKAY so. Last update we had just learned that Will Wragg MP was accusing the Tory party of blackmail! News that came just as I was writing the damn update even. So, let’s pick up from there!

Well, naturally, as the rats are running from the sinking ship, Boris Johnson is cutting an increasingly lonely figure. But hey, you can always count on your true friends to defend you! Up until now, that’s been the job of Nadine Dorres (the galaxy-brained genius behind Operation Red Meat, more on that in a moment) and Jacob Rees-Mogg (a time travelling Victorian dandy too stupid to spot he’s landed 150 years in the future); but now, Tumblrs, in steps your new favourite clown character in this saga: Michael Fabricant.

Now Michael Fabricant is a terrible man who last year described Palestinian activists as “primitives” who are “trying to bring to London what they do in the Middle East”, which is frankly the mere tip of the iceberg, if an iceburg were made of frozen liquid shit and melted slugs. He is also, and I swear to god I am not shitting you Tumblrs, I swear this is genuine, he is a real man who has made these real choices - he is a man who appears to very literally be cosplaying Boris Johnson. Look at this:

SAME CLOWN WIG!!!!

He’s also spotted his sycophantic chance to worm his way into the mouldering and collapsing bodily cavity where Big Dog once had a heart, so he stepped up to the plate when he heard this TERRIBLE accusation of blackmail. Oh yes! The hour came and Fabricant was not found wanting! Let’s see his defence!

Keep reading

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Ohh boy...

Well guys, I’m currently standing at some 66k followers. I don’t think anything on here is flagged, but I don’t know how to tell (I have tagged rocks as “sexy” and “this looks like a penis” after all). I imagine after purge night many of you could disappear. For the bots, meh, but for all you real people I’m so sorry tumblr has not acted maturely and hired mods like basically every other website and is now resorting to killing their business model.

Anyway, here’s a neat looking rock.

Acanthite, Pearceite Uchucchacua Mine, Oyon Province, Lima, Peru

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Bill Skarsgard is my Eddie Dean, I had no idea.

Castle Rock

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Pet Sematary Directed by Kevin Kölsch and Dennis Widmyer (2019)

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is it normal that whenever i sneeze i think about Shardik? (that’s only when i’m sick - when i’m not i just remember that Irish folk story about “bless you”. Sch. says i inceptioned him with that story and now he can’t ever not say bless you when someone sneezes.) and i can’t stop thinking about Shardik for the past hour i feel like my head is going to explode any second now

you know, that cyberbear from The Dark Tower, one of the guardians of the beams

i mean, it’s always such a vivid image, like with all the disgusting details like parasites etc ugh

like this

The bear would have had him just the same, would have left Eddie Dean’s guts hanging in gaudy strings from the lowest branches of the pine, if another of those sneezing fits had not come on it at that moment. It kicked the ashy remains of the campfire into a black cloud and then stood almost doubled over, huge front paws on its huge thighs, looking for a moment like an old man in a fur coat, an old man with a cold. It sneezed again and again—AH-CHOW! AH-CHOW! AH-CHOW!—and clouds of parasites blew out of its muzzle. Hot urine flowed in a stream between its legs and hissed out the campfire’s scattered embers.

or this

“Missed me, you hairy motherf—”Eddie began, and then the bear, its head still cocked back to look at him, sneezed. Eddie was immediately drenched in hot snot that was filled with thousands of small white worms. They wriggled frantically on his shirt, his forearms, his throat and face.

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“You needn’t die happy when your time comes, but you must die satisfied, for you have lived your life from the beginning to the end …”

—Stephen King, The Dark Tower