kidungg

[kidungg]

I do enjoy this karma.

I finally experiencing the moment of jamming with the sad songs. Again. Sydney is not giving me a good start at the moment, and it is upsetting. This tarot reader was bullshitting me. It is said I will be happy here, but I am not. I do not cook, Mama. I am alone here. I got rejected by many subjects. I look ugly when I'm crying. But I cry in the train. I cry at the bus stop. I cry while choosing food to eat. I am alone. Am I too naive? People talk nicely. I am sucked in their words, and they dumped me. I am too afraid to ask why because I am not ready for the reality. They left me speechless. Is this karma starting already? I am not even settle down here. Can you give me a moment to take breath?

[kidungg]

I thank to B212. All the secrets remain there. And you.. you are my sweetest guilty pleasure. I do not wanna lose you, but universe says otherwise. I can't find my soulmate if I am around you. Hence, step away from you was the bravest idea ever. Perhaps actually you are my soulmate.. or I just lost in translation. I am not your soulmate. Meanwhile, naked truth is not always pretty.

[kidungg]

You're nothing more than his wife~~~

[kidungg]

Thank you

This is big. The second it's over, you finally miss him but you are just a stranger.. You are nothing compare to his first love I concluded.

I finally ended the last chapter. I called myself a hero here. Yep. I know I will never be chosen. All things considered... I stepped out immediately.

It is exhausting.

I do not have a single selfie with you. And you keep your pre-wed pict as favourite one.

You said that you will miss me. Well, I thank you for being polite.

Fucking Christ. My ex is now laughing reading this journal. Let me enjoy this karma.

I am still counting many more to come.

A messed up girl in a crisis is fighting alone.

[kidungg]

Sad Girl

Where have you gone?

The old one.

Who always fine during the day and night?

Who always clean the room during the day and night?

Who always daydreaming?

Nightmares come over almost every day.

And now she realise, most of her writing only talk about sadness.

The sad girl.

What’s wrong about being a sad girl?

She likes to manipulate herself and hurt her own feelings.

Pretty sure that ain’t healthy.

However, she lost the spark.

She lost appetite.

It lingers when they are done.

Years.

Here it comes again.

She does recall.

Every chapter remains.

And will heal after years.

She gone playin.

And ended up can’t tell her feelings.

If her absence also doesn’t bother at all, why should she speak?

Somehow she loves those wicked games.

Keeping her feelings for her own good and at least… there will be something to remember later when her hair turns to gray.

People come and go.

She says that in her mind.

Again,

And again.

Her feeling is numbing now.

At least it has been fun then.

She has beautiful smile.

That sad girl,

Never been chosen.

That is why she becomes a sad girl.

[kidungg]

Why Do People Harm Others

Go ahead, if it gets your pleasure.

Or, you can simply avoid it if you don't want karma haunts you.

But, you did it. Because we are humans.

And boy, now you figured I am weak. You're welcome.

I manifested myself to quit this island soon. However, I'm not sure but perhaps I don't pray that hard to make it happen. I am selfish, I agreed.

But so is he.

Why are you giving me that attitude?

Why am I mirroring myself now?

Why did you hurting me effortlessly and pretend like you care but you never.

I am worthy my bestfriend said. She looked so upset seeing me crying, telling the story about you, unfortunately I never be in the picture.

If I am worthy then why I never get flowers?

Oh Laura, you cry for flowers?

Coz I want to feel special.

Am I not that special?

[kidungg]

Sun kissed :*

[kidungg]

Flowers I said.

How was life treating you last year?

Thinking you wouldn't care.. so, I can say my life was not the best in 2023. Thank God I survived.

It's funny, isn't it? Our sweaty skin touched in the bed but he never surprised you with a gift or two.. and.. surprisingly.. you didn't feel surprise either.

The guy who I accompanied at a fancy rooftop restaurant with a great dishes last month, treating me like I do deserve this treatment.

He even gave me a gift. And I am surprised.

I closed my awful 2023 chapter with mix feelings. I am glad my ex moved on. I am glad my dumb sister escaped but she is still dumb.

I manifest myself in somewhere around America continent and marry with a guy from royal family. Funny, isn't it? Comeeeee onnnn; this young lady is tired of begging for flowers for 29 years. At least universe has a plan more than flowers this year. So the guys who dumped me can be proud that they slept with this princess on the news. And their daughter wishes to be like me in the future.

[kidungg]

Girl just wanna have fun

[kidungg]

Please.

I prepared the condom just in case.

Ugh, my friends gonna kill me.

I know I should stop.

Your silent treatment was damn clear.

But somehow... I'm lost.

My mind will just recall when you throw your smile at me.

If I go to gym these days.. I just want to distract myself.

I shouldn't reply your text.

I shouldn't smile at you.

I was just playing with your feelings, and now I am waiting your message pop up.. which never happened.

I end up hurting myself because I decided to love someone else more than myself when he doesn't even love me back.

Aha! Love is a strong word, mate.

However I want to be loved too.

I am not angry anymore, though I still remember.

You shared a beautiful poem, I assumed.

It was beautiful line and you made me smiled even after you treated me like a rubbish.

I love being treated like a rubbish. If that role make 'em over the moon.

I missed the way you mock me.

Please..

You do not need to avoid me.

I am still trying to find other place.

"Maybe you weren't the one for me. But deep down I wanted you to be" - Khalid.

[kidungg]

Today.

It’s 8pm. I just woke up from a nap. I started collecting my soul slowly, and moving my ass out from the bed. I clean my room. Typical lonely person. That was what I read from an article. I am.

That guy who I wrote earlier.. yeah. He dumped me, I concluded. He asked my blog, but I refused to share. He didn’t put enough effort I assumed. He couldn’t find it until now.

I need to quit this place. My best friend knew the reason pretty well. Scars haunt me and take time to heal.

My fridge was not working last night. I pushed one and only button in it and I had no idea how to adjust it back. My magnum melted and tasted different. Same feeling, it tastes different when you ignored things and finally realised it is a missing piece.

I checked my luggage one more time, to be sure if sooner I have enough room to pack my stuff.

I finally over my ex. Though we still talk, but I don’t look for his presence no more. My Bali crush apologised a week before my birthday for how he treated me back on 2015. I even don’t remember which part. But he is forgiven. I was a third wheel, what I supposed to do? I was never be an option on that scenario. So, I let it be with tears on my face.

[kidungg]

July Summary.

I am overthinking again. My roomie moved out without saying a proper statement. I was wondering.. did I say something that make her uncomfortable? Well. I don't give a fuck. See? How I can change my opinion in one blink. What a pro. I feel hurt again by another guy that even ain't mine. I always get hurt by someone who gave me a bare minimum effort. Well. Men. Loser. I believe there is an idiot is still checking on me, you better stop right now and mind your own business. You've lost control of your feelings about me. Thank you for being my number one fan. Not you, Daniel. But this mf Esrail. I feel bad for you. I met a new person few days back. A kind hearted guy with a tie. Very charming. Hope I can visit him again in the near future. I took four shots of tequila and I had a very nice sleep afterwards. My new roomie snores like a bajaj. Nice tip but I won't act like Indian.

[kidungg]

Quick stop.

[kidungg]

May dump <3

[kidungg]

Time.

Pandemic united us. Our ego, separated us. We were wild like nothing else matter. I may not experience much, but I hope you will miss our memories like I do. I kept wondering, either I miss you or I miss the memories. It is not my loss, not your loss. Is just the matter of time. It was really hard in the beginning to remove you from my contact, i swear… But your words made me to. It was hard to accept that you are finally moved on. It was unfair, heard I can reach whenever I need you, when you don’t need me no more. But.. is just the matter of time. I may not the reason you smile anymore. So, I was planning to climb to the heaven again, but you cut the ladder at one time. It hurts. But.. is just the matter of time. We discussed earlier.. if we are seperated, how long does it take for you to finally over me. “It will take some time”. And yes.. Your time is coming. Either the time gives us an experience, or gives us fear. Is just the matter of time.